“Wow,” she said at last when he finished. “So you feel everything everyone else feels but in a physical way, not just inside?”
“Normally. I’m numb right now—don’t know why. But I can’t ‘feel’ you,” Reddix admitted. And hope I never do, he added silently. It was foolish to voice that hope aloud—tempting fate—so he kept it to himself.
“I guess that’s a good thing. But…what if I was feeling happy? Aren’t positive emotions—?”
“It’s all bad—fucking invasive and miserable,” he said. “And even if it wasn’t—would you want to wear somebody else’s happiness all day like a hot, itchy coat you couldn’t take off?”
“I guess not,” Nina said thoughtfully. “And so…that’s why you didn’t want me to touch you?”
“It’s not that I don’t want you to,” he said gruffly. “It’s that I can’t stand it. If the numbness wears off…when it wears off, touching makes it worse. So much fucking worse.”
“But…not to be touched, even casually, for ten years. To hide yourself away, avoiding everyone, even the people you love because you can’t stand to be around them. That’s so…”
“Sad? Pathetic?” he asked harshly.
“Lonely.” Nina cuddled closer to him, nestling against his side. “So terribly lonely. Oh, Reddix…”
There was a soft sound in the darkness, and after a moment, he realized what she was doing.
“Are you crying?” he asked uncertainly. “For me?”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I don’t mean to be emotional. It’s just late, and I’m tired, and what you’re saying…it’s so sad. I just…I can’t imagine living like that.”
“You get used to it,” he said shortly but inside he was touched. She cared. Goddess knew why after what he had put her through, but Nina actually cared about him. No one other than Minda had shed tears for his sorry plight before. Reddix remembered the way his little sister had cried when she found him in his room, the bloody blade in his hands… No. He pushed the memory away. He didn’t want to think about anything but Nina, of the way she felt pressed against him, of the sweet scent of her hair.
“You shouldn’t have to get used to never touching anyone—to being so alone.” Nina sighed and sniffed. “I’m sorry. Maybe we should try to get some sleep.”
“Good idea.” Reddix shifted, trying to get a little more comfortable. “Good night, Nina.”
She yawned. “Night, Reddix.”
From the soft sound of her breathing and the way she relaxed against him, he could tell she’d gone to sleep almost at once. But though he was tired, Reddix stayed awake. He told himself he wanted to keep watch, to listen for the sounds outside the ship and make sure they were all right. But really he was afraid that while he slept the numbness would wear off, and he wouldn’t be able to stand being near Nina anymore. He wanted to savor the feeling of her pressed against him, to memorize the scent of her hair so he would never forget after this was over.
And he wanted to win her trust. The half formed idea he’d had before came back, and this time he allowed himself to consider it. It was extreme, but they were trapped on an unknown planet with the Goddess only knew what damage done to the ship. The situation called for extreme measures. Reluctantly, Reddix decided to do it.
There was no other way.
Chapter Fourteen
“I have an idea,” Reddix said the minute she opened her eyes.
“Hmm?” Nina blinked sleepily. She’d been having a dream about someone touching her—touching all over her body. Someone with big, warm hands who smelled incredible. A dark masculine spice still invaded her senses making the place between her legs feel achy and hot. She shifted and realized it was Reddix she’d been dreaming about—dreaming about his hands on her, his mouth covering hers and then moving lower, licking…teasing…tasting… And she was still draped all over him like a coat.
“Nina?” he said. “You all right?”
“Um, sure.” She sat up quickly, feeling her cheeks get red. God, what a time for a wet dream! She wondered if she’d been making any noises in her sleep—she seemed to remember begging him to do more, to go further… God, what must he think of her?
“I said, I have an idea,” he repeated patiently.
“Oh yes? What?” She ran her fingers through her hair, trying to pull herself together. “Sorry, I was…having a weird dream.”
“I could tell.” He raised an eyebrow at her. “You were moaning in your sleep.”
“I was?” Nina felt her cheeks get even hotter.
“Uh-huh.” He looked at her more closely. “Care to tell me what you were dreaming about?”
“I…uh…I don’t remember,” she lied, looking away hurriedly. “I only know it was…weird.”
“Mmm-hmm.” He was still staring at her in a way that made her feel hot and cold at the same time. Damn it, he was the enemy. Why did he have to smell so good and look so hot?
“Your idea,” she said desperately. “You said you had an idea—what was it? And is it daytime?” The interior of the ship was still dim, but at least she could see. There seemed to be some soft, purplish light pouring in from the windshield area at the front of the ship.
“Or what passes for it on this ball of rock,” he said dismissively. “Listen to me, Nina—I need to talk to you.”
The urgency in his tone cut through her embarrassment and the lingering discomfort of her dream. “What is it?”
He took a deep breath. “I need to get out of these cuffs. If I don’t, I’ll never be able to assess the damage to the ship and see if I can fix it.”
Nina opened her mouth to protest, but he shook his head.
“Just listen. I need to get out, but you need a way to trust me—to keep me in line.” He gave her a lopsided smile. “I think I know how we can manage that.”
She frowned. “What—are you going to swear on a stack of Bibles you won’t hurt me and you’ll take me straight back to Earth?”
He shook his head, regretfully she thought. “I can’t do that. But I will swear to call a truce with you at least until I get the ship fixed. And in order for you to trust me, I’m prepared to offer you some assurance.”
Nina crossed her arms over her chest. “What kind of assurance? You’re huge. How do I know the minute I unlock the cuffs you won’t just jump me?”
“Because,” he said evenly. “I’m going to let you put the Hurkon collar on me.”
“What? No way!” she exclaimed. “You just got finished telling me how scary that thing is, and now you want me to put it on you?”
“It’s the only way,” he said. “You put it on me, and you have the controls. You can keep your finger on the pain button the entire time if you want to. When we reach some kind of agreement, you can take it off me. Until then, you’ll at least know you can trust me to walk around and get the ship fixed.” He raised an eyebrow at her. “You think that would make you feel safe?”
“Well, yes… but I still don’t like it.” Nina frowned.
“Like it or not, this is the only option. I can’t stay cuffed to the food prep counter forever,” he growled. “And I can’t promise to take you straight back to Earth—not now, anyway.”
What he was saying made a twisted kind of sense. Nina had to admit she would feel much safer and more secure about her future with the big Kindred if he was wearing the collar and she had the controls. Still, it was hard to believe Reddix, who didn’t seem like the trusting type, would be willing to put himself so completely at her mercy.
“So I’ll trust you more with the collar on,” she said. “But how do you know you can trust me? What’s to stop me from pressing the pain button just for the hell of it?” Of course, she would never do any such thing, but she was curious to hear what he would say.
He gave her a level look.
“You wouldn’t do that—you’re a healer. And you have compassion, even for your kidnapper.”
“What if I don’t, though?” Nina didn’t like the fact
that he was so sure of her, and the silver eyes trained on her face made her nervous.
“You do,” he said quietly. “You wept for me last night. No one besides my little sister ever cried for me so. I trust you, Nina—enough to wear the collar and let you hold the controls. And if that’s what it takes to help you trust me, even a little, then I’ll gladly do it.”
The sincerity in his deep, harsh voice couldn’t be faked. Nina looked at him for a long moment, holding his gaze with her own though it made her heart pound strangely in her chest. Finally, she nodded.
“All right,” she said at last. “Let me put on the gloves, and I’ll get the collar.”
Lifting the Hurkon collar off its velvet cushion, Nina once again got the feeling that the thing was aware of her. Its red, green, and blue lights began blinking faster, and she could almost feel it trembling in her fingers as she held it.
“I don’t like this thing,” she muttered bringing it carefully to Reddix.
“You’d be a fool or a sadist if you did,” he said grimly. Shaking back his hair, he lifted his chin. “All right, put it on me.”
The collar in her hands was practically vibrating now, with anticipation, Nina thought. It was almost as though it couldn’t wait to jump onto Reddix’s neck. She could tell the big Kindred wanted to get this over with but still, she hesitated.
“Wait a minute,” she objected. “How are you going to, uh, feed it? Didn’t you say it survived on strong emotions?”
He laughed harshly. “You really think I don’t have enough strong emotions to feed the collar? I’ll be a fucking all you can eat feast for the damn thing. Now come on—hurry up and put it on me. It makes me nervous to watch you holding it.”
It occurred to Nina that he was afraid the collar might twist in her hands and try to hurt her somehow. All at once she felt like she was holding a poisonous snake that might strike at any time. She still had deep misgivings about putting the thing on Reddix, but he seemed so insistent about it. It’s not forever. I can always take it off him, she told herself uneasily. Everything will be okay—won’t it? She hoped like hell it would, anyway.
Slowly, carefully, she unhooked the simple clasp at the back of the black filigreed metal collar and placed it gently around the strong column of Reddix’s throat. The moment it made contact with his skin, the lights began blinking even faster. Nina started to fasten it in the back…and found that it was already fastened. It had hooked itself in place with no help from her.
Reddix must have seen the look on her face.
“Everything all right?” he asked.
She shook her head. “I don’t know. I went to fasten it in place, but it was already on.”
He frowned. “Fucking eager , isn’t it?”
“I guess.” Nina was still shaken. She looked at him anxiously. “Are you all right? Is it hurting you?”
He shook his head. “Not a bit. And it’s so light I can barely feel it.” He jerked his head at the cabinet. “Get the controller, and I’ll show you how to work it.”
“All right.” Nina got the small keychain looking controller with its three blinking lights and brought it around to where he could see it.
“The green button is the pain button,” Reddix explained. “You press it, I’ll be in instant agony. Needless to say, don’t fucking do it unless you feel threatened. And I’m going to do everything I can to make sure you don’t.”
Nina nodded. “Okay. What does the blue button do?”
“Stops the pain. So you shouldn’t need to press it unless you press the green one first.”
“And the red one?” she asked, indicating the last blinking button.
“Be careful with that one—very fucking careful,” he growled. “That’s the kill switch.”
“The kill switch?” Nina looked at the blinking red button in horror. “You mean if I accidentally pressed it I could kill you? That’s horrible!”
“No, no—it won’t really kill me. I’ll just wish I was dead.” Reddix sounded grim. “It delivers a jolt to the central nervous system that knocks you completely off-line. You press that, I’ll be down and out of it for at least an hour. Press it too often, and it could lead to permanent nerve damage. So try to keep your pretty little fingers off it, okay?”
“Okay.” Nina nodded nervously. She was about to drop the little controller into her front scrub pocket, but it didn’t seem safe—she was afraid she might press one of the buttons by accident.
“Don’t worry,” Reddix said, clearly understanding her hesitation. “Each button has a plasti-flex shield over it. You have to slide them aside in order to press one.”
“Oh.” Nina examined the controller more closely. Sure enough, each little button was covered by a clear dome of what looked like plastic which had to be slid to one side before the button could be pressed. Feeling better about it, she dropped the controller into her scrub pocket after all.
“And now if you’re feeling safe and sound, I’d appreciate being let out of these damn restraint cuffs.” Reddix sounded impatient.
“Oh. Of course.” Nina fished the other controller out of her pocket and pressed the release button. At once, the copper-colored restraints opened, and the big Kindred’s hands were free.
“Goddess!” He rubbed his wrists and flexed his arms. Then, slowly, he got to his feet.
Nina had been about to take a step toward him, to offer to massage his shoulders again. But as he rose to his full, intimidating height, she found herself taking a step back instead. God, he was just so huge. And though she knew he didn’t mean to be threatening, when his dark hair hung in his face, shadowing his features, she couldn’t help thinking of her dreams…the dreams of the bear.
“You okay?” He took a step toward her and her hand went instinctively to the agony collar’s controls, still nestled safely in her scrub pocket. Would he try to take it from her now that he was free? Had his insistence on wearing the collar all been just a big show to get her to trust him and let him go free?
“Hey, hey…” Reddix held up both hands in a gesture of peace when he saw her fingers dip into her pocket. “No need for that, sweetheart. I’m not going to hurt you—I swear it.”
“All right.” Nina nodded but took another step back anyway. “I know you’re not. It’s just…you’re so big.”
“I’m not that big—you’re just so little,” he countered, a hint of a smile playing around his sensuous mouth.
“I’m five-ten—that’s really tall for a woman,” she protested. “I had to wear flats to the prom in high school because my date was only five-nine.”
He shrugged, his broad shoulders rolling.
“I don’t know what a ‘prom’ is, but I’ve seen your puny Earth males. I’m not surprised you were taller than the one you chose to go with.”
“They’re not all puny,” Nina objected. “My ex was six foot—well, five-eleven anyway.”
He shrugged again. “I don’t know your Earth measurement system. How tall would you say I am?”
Nina eyed him. “I was wondering that earlier. I’d say…at least six foot seven or eight, and your shoulders are really broad. It’s…a little scary.”
“Nina…” He ducked his head to look into her eyes. “I won’t hurt you—I swear it,” he rumbled softly. “Can you please just try to trust me? At least a little?”
“I’ll try.” She took a hesitant step toward him, looking up into his shadowed face. “It would be easier if you’d get a shave and a haircut. You’d look less wild…less scary.”
He sighed. “I know I need one. I just don’t enjoy wading through the inane feelings of whoever cuts my hair.”
Nina smiled eagerly. “I can cut hair. My mom was a stylist, and I practically grew up in her shop. One of the first things I learned to do was—” She stopped abruptly. “Unless…are you feeling me today?” she asked hesitantly. “My emotions, I mean?”
He shook his head, a look of relief passing over his face. “I’m still numb. Don’t know why
, but it’s nice. More than nice. Fucking amazing. To be able to be near you…to talk to you.” He took another step toward her and reached out one large hand. For a moment, Nina was sure he was going to cup her cheek. She could actually feel the heat of his palm.
“Reddix?” she asked softly, looking up at those hooded silver eyes.
“To be able to touch you,” he whispered in that deep, gravelly voice. “Goddess, if only I could…”
The lights on the Hurkon collar were suddenly blinking faster—almost as fast as Nina’s heart was pounding in her chest. It was her dream all over again. The one she’d had where he was touching her, running his hands all over her body, kissing her, tasting her…
“You can,” she murmured. “If you want to. I…I won’t try to stop you.”
“No.” He dropped his hand abruptly and moved past her, being careful not to touch her skin.
“Reddix?” she asked uncertainly.
“I have to see to the ship,” he growled. “We’ve wasted enough time already.”
And with that, he was gone, disappearing into the back of the ship and leaving her there alone, aching for his touch even though she knew she shouldn’t be.
* * * * *
Reddix jerked open the engine compartment and held up the glow rod he’d grabbed from the emergency locker he’d found. Then he stood there surveying the guts of the ship. He was staring for almost a full minute before he realized he wasn’t seeing anything but Nina’s face.
Goddess damn it, what was wrong with him? Why was he letting her affect him this way? And why had he almost touched her? That would have broken the blessed numbness for sure—would have shattered his fragile peace like a heavy boulder heaved into still waters. And yet, the urge to take her in his arms, to kiss her, touch her, to make skin-to-skin contact which was something he hadn’t voluntarily done with any female in over ten years was so strong he had to physically restrain himself from turning and going back to the main part of the ship.