tell me what he was thinking.
I asked him about Laura on the way back to the dorms. He told me that he only dated her for a week their freshman year and that she was a nice girl. By the time he walked me to my dorm room, I was so preoccupied with thoughts of him kissing me, that I stumbled over my own feet.
“Careful, Duchess,” he said, grabbing me by the elbow, “if you sprain something, I’m going to have to carry you to your door.” He laughed at the look of horror on my face.
“Most girls would be excited by that prospect, you know?”
“I’m not most girls.”
“Yes, so I see.”
He took a step toward me and I shrank back against the door, trying to press myself into the thin plywood. He was unbearably close. Placing both hands on either side of my head he was inches…inches from my face. I could feel his breath on my lips. I wanted to see his lips, watch what they were doing—but I kept my eyes locked on his. If I could just hold his eyes he might not notice that my chest was heaving from my labored breaths, and that my fingernails were curved into the door behind me. He moved his head closer his nose was practically touching mine. My lips parted. How long had we been standing there? It felt like five minutes, but I knew it was probably more like ten seconds. He moved a millimeter closer. There was nowhere for me to go. If I pressed myself further against the door, I’d melt into the wood. I was so afraid…but of what? I’d been kissed before. He spoke and he was so near to my face, I could feel his lips brush against the corner of my mouth.
“I’m not going to kiss you,” He said. I felt my heart lurch. Was it up or down? Up or down? I didn’t know if I was disappointed or relieved. He backed up. “Not today, Olivia. But, I am going to kiss you.”
I felt a swell of agitation swirl through my belly, it traveled up my chest and reached my mouth.
“No.”
It sounded so silly; a child’s word of defiance. I don’t know why I said it, except to take back some of the control he had stolen from me.
Caleb had already turned to walk away, but my “no” stopped him. He turned. His hands were in his pockets. The hallway seemed to shrink around him, his presence swallowing it up. How did he do that? I expected him to say something else, maybe flirt with me some more. Instead he grinned, looked at the ground, looked back at me…and walked away.
He won again. That little move had been stronger, left more of an impression than if he had actually pressed his lips to mine. Now, I had the impending feeling of being hunted. I barely had time to process what had just happened when the door was flung open and Cammie pulled me into our room by the waistband of my jeans.
“Tell me everything!” she demanded. She had rollers the size of Twinkies in her hair and her face was lathered in something that smelled strongly of lemon.
“There’s nothing to tell,” I said mysteriously, almost dreamily.
“I’ll let you keep the sweater I loaned you.” I considered this a moment, before nodding.
“He took me to Jaxson’s ice cream…” I began.
Chapter Five
The Present
I have to stop daydreaming. I’ve been spending too much time thinking about the past and reliving how we met. I am suddenly aware that I am seated behind my desk scribbling distractedly on a document I am supposed to be transcribing into type, and that hours had passed. I brought doughnuts into work and one of the lawyers from the firm is digging around in the box getting sugar all over his sleeve. He makes his selection and perches himself on the edge of my desk knocking over a cup of pens. I cringe, but keep my hands in my lap.
“So, how’s law school going?” he ignores the mess he made and bites into a jelly. I imagine the stack of law school applications on my dresser at home and sigh. Tonight. Tonight, I would be ambitious.
“Fine, thank you, Mr. Gould.” I can’t take it anymore. I scoop up the pens and reposition the cup.
“You know Olivia, a girl with your looks can get far in this world, if she plays her cards right.”
He is chewing with his mouth open.
“Well, I was hoping that my talent and hard work would get me far in the world, Mr. Gould, not my appearance.”
He chuckles at me. I envision myself jamming a pen into his trachea. Blood. There would be lots of blood to clean up. I better not.
“If you ever want to excel in this field, sweetheart, you let me know. I can instruct you all the way to the top.” He smiles at me, winks, and my slime-ball radar goes off. I hate being sugar lipped, especially by a bleating goat in pinstripes.
“Instruct?” I ask with false enthusiasm. Mr. Gould picks at his teeth, flashing me a view of his wedding band, which he liked to forget symbolized fidelity.
“Do I have to spell it out for you?”
“No,” I sigh boringly, “but you’ll have to spell it out for human resources when I tell them that you’re sexually harassing me.” I pull a nail file from my drawer o’crap and begin sawing at my thumb. When I look up, his face has gone from its usual tomato red to an ugly shade of scared shitless.
“I’m sorry you see my concern for your future as sexual harassment,” he says, quickly removing himself from my desk.
I size him up, all the way from his bony shoulders, which are poking out of his Armani suit like two tennis balls, down to his regrettably small feet.
“How about we stick to work-only conversations and you save your concern for your wife—Mary was her name wasn‘t it?” He turns away, his shoulders rigid. I hate men….well, most of them.
My intercom crackles.
“Olivia, can you come in here for a sec?” It’s Bernie.
Bernadette Vespa Singer is my boss and she loves me. At five feet even she has cankles, perpetually smudged peach lipstick, and wiry black hair that looks like poodle fur. She is a genius in her own right and a damn good lawyer. With a ninety-five percent prosecution rate and a stride to match any man, Bernie is my idol.
“Mr. Gould offered to help advance my career,” I say coolly, walking into her office.
“Bastard!” she slaps her palm so hard on her desk her bobble heads jump to action.
“Do you want to press charges, Olivia? Damn that cock-a-wiener bastard. I think he’s sleeping with Judge Walters.”
I shake my head “no” and sit down in a chair facing her desk.
“You’re my kind of assistant kid, tough as nails and ambitious as hell.”
I smile. That was what she said when she hired me. I’d taken the job knowing she was a little crazy but not caring since she won cases.
“What’s happening with that fellow you were telling me about?” she asks. She scratches her nose with the tip of her pen and it leaves a scribble on her face.
I blush so fiercely it is an immediate emission of guilt.
“You know he’s going to find out eventually,” she says, narrowing her already beady eyes at me. “Don’t do anything stupid, you could have one hellavah lawsuit on your hands.”
I bite the inside of my cheek.
I don’t know why I told her. I regret it now as she stares at me with her probing eyes.
“I know,” I mumble, pretending to fumble with the buttons on my blouse. “Can we just not talk about it right now?”
“What is it with this guy?” she says ignoring me. “Is he well endowed? I can never understand why pretty girls like you go chasing after men. You should get a vibrator. You’ll never go back. Here, let me write down the name of a good one for you,” she scribbled something down on a yellow post it note and hands it to me.
“Thanks.” I looked at the wall above her head and take the paper.
“Not a probby. See you later, kid.” She waved me out of her office with her chubby, ink-stained fingers.
I invited Caleb over for dinner. Same dog, same tricks. Our coffee rendezvous ended abruptly when the pimply kid behind the counter flipped the closed sign in the window and turned the lights off in the cafe. We had lifted ourselves regretfully from the tabl
e and wandered outside.
“Can I see you again?” He was standing directly in front of a street lamp and it cast an ethereal glow around his shoulders.
“What would you do if I said no?”
“Don’t say no.”
It was another one of those moments where I flirt with my conscience and pretend for once that I am going to do the right thing.
“Come over for dinner,” I blurt. “I’m not much of a cook, but hey…”
He looked surprised at first and then grinned.
“I’d love to.”
And that’s how it happened.
Bad. Bad. Bad.
Before I leave work, I make a quick call to the number at the bottom of Dobson Orchard’s wanted poster. The detective I speak to takes my name and number and thanks me for the information. He promises to call if anything comes up. Then I call my favorite Thai restaurant and order a large tray of red vegetable curry—To Go.
Pickles is waiting for me by the door when I get home. I place my packages on the counter and grab a coke from the fridge.
“You’re pathetic, Pickles,” I say, hooking the leash to her collar. “You know I don’t have time for this today.”
Our quickie turns into twenty minutes as Pickles willfully disobeys me and refuses to pee on command. By the time we get home, I have thirty minutes before Caleb is due to arrive. I place the curry I bought into a casserole dish and stick it in the oven to keep it warm. I polish two wine glasses and then polish off a glass of wine. Then I take out all of the ingredients to make a salad and line them up in alphabetical order on my counter.
Caleb arrives five minutes early.
“For you,” he says, handing me a bottle of wine and a small potted Gardenia bush. It is sprouting a single white flower and I pause to smell it.
“This is my favorite flower,” I say in half surprise.
“Really? Lucky guess.”
I grunt. If only he knew.
I distract myself by trying to calm Pickles down as she hysterically throws herself at Caleb’s leg. When he bends down to pat her on the head, she yelps and runs away.
“It’s a ‘she can touch you, but you can’t touch her’ kind of thing,” I explain.
“She’s a tease then, just like her owner.”
“You don’t know her owner well enough to make that assertion,” I smile.
“I suppose not.”
He looks around my living room, and I suddenly feel embarrassed. My home is small and there is a lot of purple. He’s been here before, of course, but he doesn’t remember that. I am about to explain why I don’t have nicer things, when his eyes light up.
“You used to have long hair,” he says sauntering over to a collage of pictures on my wall. I reach up and finger a choppy strand of what’s left of it.
“Yes, in college. I needed a change, so I took off twelve inches.” I clear my throat and duck into the kitchen.
“I kinda got a late start on dinner,” I say, picking up a knife, pausing to watch him. He is walking from knick knack, to kick knack, inspecting everything. I watch him pick up a ceramic owl from my bookshelf. He turns it over and inspects the bottom then gently places it back. He bought me that owl.
“I’d give you a tour of the apartment,” I say to him, “but you can see the entire place from where you’re standing.”
“It’s cute,” he smiles. “Girly. But definitely you.”
I cock my eyebrow. I don’t know what he means. He doesn’t know me….he did, but he doesn’t now. I am getting confused. I viciously chop the onions.
Four years ago, Caleb helped me move in. We painted together; my living room tan and my bedroom lilac. Knowing my penchant for perfection, he dabbed his roller on the ceiling above my bed to annoy me. He left a purple stain, I was furious.
“There, now you’ll think of me every night before you close your eyes,” he had said, laughing at my mortified face. I hated imperfections, hated them. A stain on the carpet, a chip in a teacup, anything that marred the way things were supposed to be. I wouldn’t even eat broken chips. After we broke up, I was grateful for that blob of paint. It was the last thing I saw before I went to sleep and the first thing I saw when I woke up. I would stare at that purple scar like Caleb’s face was hidden somewhere in it. Caleb had been my imperfection, with his slightly Americanized British accent, and the way he could play any sport and quote any philosopher. He was such a mix of class and jock, romance and jerk, it made me crazy.
“Can I help you?” It was meant as a question, but he was already nudging me out of the way as he pried the knife from my fingers and went to work on the mushrooms. I pause on my way to the stove and watch him slice the vegetables.
“So…did you remember anything this week?” I pull my staged casserole dish from the oven and set it on the stove.
“I did.”
My body becomes rigid and blood rushes to my head.
“I was paging through a magazine, one of those travel publications, and there was a picture of a campsite in Georgia. I don‘t know if I ever camped there. For all I know, I could be making it up in my head, but I felt something when I was looking at the pictures.”
I look away before my eyes can tell on me. He camped there all right, with a snake named Olivia.
“You should camp there. Maybe it will jog specific memories for you.” I realize my foolishness after the words are already out of my mouth. I am on team ‘amnesia’. His remembering would be the end of my foolish game.
He opens his mouth to say something but my doorbell cuts him off. Caleb looks at me in surprise, his hand suspended over a bell pepper.
“Are you expecting company?” he asks.
“Not unless you invited your amnesia anonymous group.” I dry my hands, dodging a mushroom he tosses at me and head over to the door. Whoever rang the doorbell was now resorting to pounding with what sounded like both of their fists.
I unlatch my bolt without bothering to look through the peephole and swing it open. A woman is standing in front of me, her fist poised midair.
“Can I help you?”
I rule out Jehovah’s Witnesses because they always come in twos and her makeup is too smudgy to be a salesperson. She is looking at me with a mixture of fear and anxiety. As I am about to say “no thank you” and close the door in her face, I notice a neat row of tears streaking down her cheeks. We stare at each other and then in a moment of horror I know.
Leah.
“Leah?” I hear Caleb’s voice behind me as I cringe. “What are you doing here?”
“I could ask you the same thing,” her voice trembles as she studies each of our faces.
“I’m having dinner with a friend. How did you—?”
“I followed you,” she says quickly, you haven’t been taking my calls and I wanted to see why.” She whispers this last part, squeezing her eyes closed as if to shut me out.
“How could you do this, Caleb?”
As if on cue, she drops her head and begins sobbing into her hands. I eye her dribbling nose and turn away disgusted. I have the worst luck in the world.
“Leah,” Caleb pushes past me and wraps his arms around her.
I watch from the outside, fear twisting in my stomach like a fist.
“Come on, I’ll take you home,” he turns back to mouth a hasty ‘I’m sorry’ to me as he steers her out the door. I watch them go. She looks childlike next to him. He never made me look that small and fragile. I swing my door closed and curse. It feels as if I am a thousand years old.
The following evening I am curled up on my sofa, getting ready for an exciting night with my law school applications, when my doorbell rings.
I groan and smother my face in a pillow. Rosebud.
I open the door without bothering to look through the peephole.
Not Rosebud. Caleb. I eye him warily.
“Well, well, well,” I say, “look what the red-headed girlfriend dragged in.”
He smiles at me sheepishly and runs a hand t
hrough his hair.
“I’m sorry, Olivia, I guess she’s having a harder time than I thought.”
“Listen, I really don’t want to get involved in your girlfriend drama…”
I hit some kind of emotional nerve because he blinks like a bug just flew into his eye.
“I understand that,” he says. “She wants me to have friends. It just came as a shock.”
“She doesn’t want you to have a friend like me, Caleb, and if she told you she was okay with it, she was lying.”
“Friends like you?” he says smiling. “Are you insinuating that you’re attractive?”
I roll my eyes. Totally off topic.
“Okay, okay,” he says holding up his hands, “but, I want you as a friend, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Does that count?”
I make him wait. I pretend to be thinking about it. I bite my lip and frown. Then I stand aside and let him back into my house. He looks pretty damn smug.
We decide that we want cake. I pull out mixing bowls and ingredients and Caleb fashions chef hats for us out of paper towels. I marvel at the fact that a few weeks ago I thought I would never see him again and here he is in my kitchen. We laugh a lot and when the batter is ready to be poured into the cake pan, Caleb sours the mood.
“Leah makes the best red velvet cake.”