Josh
It has been two weeks since our trip and I still look at Star with wonder in my eyes. Last night, I fell asleep inside her and woke up with her in my arms. It’s the best feeling ever. But now I’m at work, where I can’t hold her. But damn if I don’t think about it all day.
Sam knocks me on the shoulder with his fist. “Did you get your tux yet?” he asks.
I look up from the tattoo I’m drawing. “What tux?”
His eyes narrow. “For the awards banquet tomorrow night.” He looks at Paul, and Paul shoots him a glare and gives his head a slight shake. “Never mind,” Sam murmurs.
“Oh, yeah, I remember now,” I say, trying to play it off. “The Zeroes are up for an award, right?”
“Three of them. Best new artist. Best single. Best female band.” He looks at Paul like he’s asking for guidance.
“You’re going with Peck, right?” I ask.
Sam nods. “Logan’s going too. With Emily.”
“I’ll see you there,” I tell him, although I know I won’t, because I wasn’t invited. I wonder who she’s taking with her.
“Okay,” Sam says slowly. He looks like he just stepped in a big pile of dog shit and he doesn’t know how to get it off his shoe.
I leave the shop. It’s late. I need to get home, although for the first time since Star came to stay with me, I don’t want to go home to her, because I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the gut. Sam is going with Peck, Logan is going with Emily, and Star is probably taking her fake boyfriend because she’s afraid to be seen with me in public. They’ll all have significant others with them, but apparently I’m not significant enough.
She’s on the couch when I get home, wearing my clothes like normal. She waits for me to go to her and kiss her like I normally do, but I just go and get a beer instead.
“What’s up?” she asks. She gets up and follows me. “Did you have a bad day?”
I shake my head, keeping my lips pinched tightly closed.
“What are you doing tomorrow night?” I suddenly ask her.
She avoids my eyes. “Why do you ask?”
I shrug. “I was going to see if you want to go and see a movie with me.”
“Oh, I can’t.” She coughs into her fist like she’s nervous.
“So you do have plans.”
“Just something with the Zeroes.”
I hate a fucking lie. I absolutely hate it. “Just something?”
“Yeah, it’s not a big deal. But I’ll be gone the whole evening.”
“Okay.” I go into the bathroom to take a shower and she doesn’t follow me. She usually follows me, because she likes to talk to me when I come home from work. I shower and clean up and she’s standing in the doorway to the bedroom when I come out.
“Is something bothering you?” she asks.
No. Definitely not. I’ll sit here on the couch and watch you celebrate with your family and friends while I watch it on TV. That doesn’t bother me at all. But I say nothing. “No. Why do you ask?”
“You seem a little off. You’re not coming down with something, are you?” She touches the back of her hand to my forehead. I pull it down and kiss it.
“I’m going to bed early.” I roll past her into our bedroom and she fidgets in the doorway.
“Do you want me to join you?” she asks, her voice hesitant.
“No, I’m going to sleep,” I tell her. I’m going to wallow in linens and self-pity.
“Oh, okay.” Her voice is not much more than a breath. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Positive.” I try to smile at her, but it’s forced and she knows it. I get in bed and turn off the lights, and will myself into a fitful sleep. I feel her when she comes to join me, and for a minute I forget all about the fact that she didn’t invite me to go to the awards banquet with her, and I pull her into my arms and make love to her, sinking deep inside her while she rides me, her boobs bouncing as our flesh smacks together.
When she falls off of me and lands by my side, her breaths ragged and raw, I remember that I’m supposed to be mad at her. I roll onto my side away from her and pretend to go to sleep.
“Josh,” she whispers.
I hear her, but I don’t answer. I force my breaths to appear heavy and even, and she gets still and goes to sleep. She’s not touching me, though, and I’m not used to this. And I don’t like it at all.
Star
I look down at my phone and check the time again. “Are you sure he left the tattoo shop at noon?” I ask. “He’s not answering anything.”
Sam is standing in the corridor at Marta and Emilio’s house, and he’s dressed in a tux and tails. Logan is standing right beside him and he looks just as handsome. They’re handsome in such a traditional way when they dress up like this. Barely a hint of their tattoos shows above their collars.
“Are you guys ready yet?” Sam calls into the bedroom where all the other Zeroes and Emily are getting ready.
“Come in here and I will personally chop your dick off,” Finch calls back.
Sam grabs his package and bends at the waist, and Logan looks almost as uncomfortable. “Peck, are you going to let them insult my manhood like that?” he calls through the closed door.
“I’ll cut your manhood off myself if you open that door!” she calls back.
“What did she say?” Logan says, looking confused.
“She said you should open the door.”
He does, and shoes and purses fly at his head. He slams it shut. “You stupid fucker,” he says to Sam.
I roll my eyes. I don’t have time for this.
“Where do you think Josh is?” I ask them.
They look at one another. They know something, but I have no idea what.
“What is it?” I demand.
“You probably should have told him about this event before today,” Sam says, his voice gentle, but I can still tell he’s irritated at me.
“I wanted to surprise him.” I got the tux ordered last week, and made sure he had shoes and everything else he would need.
“A surprise black tie event,” Logan says. “That’s every man’s fantasy.” He rolls his eyes and goes to sit with Emilio at the kitchen table, where he’s playing solitaire with a deck of cards. The old-fashioned way.
I texted Josh this morning and told him to come here when he was done with work, and I made sure Paul sent him home early. I planned it all down to the minute. Only, now I’m not sure where Josh is, because he’s not answering his phone and no one can find him.
I still have curlers in my hair and I’m wearing my dress and makeup, but no shoes. I wiggle my toes.
“Mija,” Marta says, “you probably should have given him some warning instead of springing this on him at the last minute.”
“But I wanted it to be special.” I’m whining, and Marta gives me a sober, pity-filled look.
“Did it work?” she asks.
Not a bit. I’m alone and now I have no date for the awards show. I told my fake boyfriend last week that from now on Josh would be attending all my events with me. He was disappointed, but he understood. But now Josh isn’t here.
“I just wish I knew where he is.”
“I’m sure he’s fine.” She goes into the room where the rest of the girls are getting ready and she starts to fuss over their makeup and their hair. She loves this stuff, and she doesn’t get to do it very often now that we’ve all moved out.
“Can you text him, Sam?” I ask. “Maybe he’ll reply to you.”
Sam reluctantly pulls out his phone and sends off a text. A reply ding goes off almost immediately. “He’s fine.” He jams his phone back into his pocket.
“So he did reply to you?”
He nods. “He’s fine,” he says again. His face is clouded, though, like a stormy night.
“Why isn’t he replying to me?”
His phone goes off again and again, and he types quick replies, avoiding my eyes. Finally, he looks up. “Can you get Peck for me?” he as
ks.
“Why?”
“I need to talk to her.”
He’s lying. It has something to do with the barrage of texts. But I go and get Peck. He pulls her into a spare bedroom and they stand there talking. I can hear them whispering fiercely. Then Peck comes out.
“Josh is not coming,” she tells me.
“Why not?”
“He went back home for the weekend. He went to visit an old friend. He’ll be back tomorrow.”
She may as well have kicked me in the gut. “He went to see Lilly?” I sink down into a chair.
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t he tell me?”
“He didn’t know you were going to ask him to go with you to the awards thing.” She tilts her head and regards me solemnly. “What were you thinking, Star?”
“I was thinking it would be a wonderful surprise,” I answer. “He thinks I didn’t want him to go, doesn’t he?”
“Yeah,” Sam says from behind us. His voice is rough as sandpaper. “If I were him, I would think you were dissing me. Seeing as how you didn’t invite him and all.”
I jump to my feet. “I wanted it to be a surprise!”
“His feelings are hurt.”
I drop back into the chair. “Oh, God,” I groan. “I messed up.” I look at Sam. “Can you tell him to call me? Please?”
Sam shakes his head. “He’s busy tonight.”
I lay a hand on my chest. “Too busy for me?”
“Too busy for anyone. He said he’d talk to all of us tomorrow.”
I hold up my phone and shake it. “He didn’t tell me he’d talk to me tomorrow!” I run over to Emilio. “Melio,” I cry, “can I borrow your car?”
He looks up from his cards. “For what?”
“Apparently, I need to go and retrieve my boyfriend.”
“From where?” he barks.
“From his hometown! Or wherever he went!” I look at Sam. “Where is he, exactly?”
“He’s with her,” Sam says.
Emilio jumps to his feet. “He’s with who?”
“His ex-girlfriend,” I reluctantly admit.
Emilio huffs. “You can’t borrow my car, but I’ll drive you there.”
“Why can’t I just borrow the car?”
“Because I have business with that boy.” He’s already cramming his keys and his wallet into his jeans. “Can you go take the fucking curlers out of your hair and get dressed?” he says to me.
I rush into the bedroom and change into a pair of jeans and a T-shirt and take down my hair. I’m wearing a shit-ton of makeup and I probably look like a high-dollar hooker, but I don’t care. “What are you doing?” Peck asks.
“I’m going to get my man,” I tell her.
She grins and helps me throw a few things into a bag. “You’re going to miss the awards show.”
“I’m sorry, but this is more important.” I can’t even stop long enough to explain. I need to go find Josh. I need to apologize.
“Good,” Peck says. “Go get him.” She grins. “What are you going to do when you find him?”
“I have no idea.” I laugh maniacally, because panic bubbles up inside me.
“You ready to go?” Emilio asks from the doorway.
Marta points a finger at him. “You behave yourself,” she warns. “If you don’t, I’ll be waiting when you come home and you will regret it.”
He grabs her and pulls her against him. “Don’t threaten me with a good time, woman,” he says. He kisses her soundly. She giggles.
We get in the car and start out of the drive. “Do you know where we’re going?” he asks.
“I know exactly where she lives.”
“Good,” he grunts. “So you like him enough to give up an awards dinner with your sisters where you could get tons of accolades, adoration, and recognition?”
I chew on my fingernail and stare out the window. “Yeah.”
“Okay then.” Emilio sets the cruise control, turns the radio up loud, and we go to where Josh is. Because I totally fucked up tonight and I need to make it right.
***
When we get there, we pull into the drive, but it’s late so the house is dark. “You want to get a hotel room for the night?” Emilio asks. He yawns loudly.
It’s not that late. I point to the kitchen window. “Her mother is up. I’ll just go ask if he’s up too.”
“Are you sure?” He looks around like someone could be waiting to jump out of the bushes at him.
“I need to see him, Melio.”
He turns off the engine and reaches over me to open my door.
I get out and walk up the ramp to the kitchen. I can see Mrs. Jameson inside puttering around and she is startled when I rap on the door. She peeks out the window, recognizes me, smiles and opens the door. “I was wondering when you might show up,” she says. She steps aside so I can come in.
“Is he here?” I ask.
She nods. “He’s with Lilly. Her boyfriend is here too.” She cups my shoulder and gives it a tender squeeze.
“Is he okay?”
“I wasn’t so sure when he got here, but I think he will be now.” She winks at me.
I go to the doorway of Lilly’s room and stop. He’s playing chess with Lilly and he’s laughing. It’s a beautiful sound and my heart lifts a little. He looks up and freezes. Lilly waves at me. “Hi Lilly,” I say. I go and give her a hug. Then I stop in front of Josh’s chair.
“What are you doing here?” he asks.
“I came to find you,” I tell him. “Can we talk?”
“Shouldn’t you be at an awards banquet with your sisters and your date?”
“My date is here!” I cry. “I can’t go to my banquet when my date is here!”
“What?” He scratches his head.
“You were my date, you idiot,” I tell him. “I got you a tux, and shoes, and I even bought you new underwear, with rhinestones, that cost a lot of money just so your junk would be bejeweled and spectacular.”
Lilly goes out of the room with her boyfriend, but before she leaves, I think she winks at me.
“You wanted my junk to be sparkly?” he asks.
“That doesn’t matter!” I cry. “What matters is that you left without telling me!”
“You were going to a banquet without telling me!” he shouts back.
“I meant to have you with me!” I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and count to ten. Then I open my eyes. “Why didn’t you just talk to me?”
“Why didn’t you just invite me like a normal person?” he snaps back, but he doesn’t sound quite so angry now.
“I was trying to surprise you. I’m sorry.” I snort. “I definitely won’t do that again.”
“I shouldn’t have left like that,” he says. He scrubs a hand down his face. “I’m really sorry.”
“I am too.” I look at him. “Why did you come here?”
He looks around. “Because it’s home.”
“Lilly is home for you.” The words hurt when they come out of my mouth. I’m jealous of a girl with a traumatic brain injury.
“Lilly and her mom and this place. This is home. It’s where I feel safe.” He goes to the window and lifts the blinds. He looks out at his own house. “I was never safe there. Not with them. Never good enough. And I’m still not. Now they’d take one look at me and they’d hate me on principle.” He looks around Lilly’s room. “But this place… This is comfort to me. This heals my heart when it’s broken.”
I lay a hand on my chest. “I broke your heart?”
He nods. “It definitely was a shock. I thought you might be taking your fake boyfriend.”
“I told him our fake relationship was over.”
His head jerks up. “You did?”
I nod. “Last week.”
“Seriously?” But he’s finally smiling.
I nod again. “You’re it for me.” I throw my hands up. “I just gave up an awards ceremony to be sure you don’t hate me.”
“I could
n’t hate you,” he says. He swallows so loudly that I can hear it. “I love you way too much for that.”
I meet his gaze. Did he just say what I think he said?
He smiles at me. “Just because I said it first doesn’t mean you have to say it back.”
I sniff. “Okay, I won’t.” I lift my nose up in the air. Then I sober. “You really love me?” I whisper. My eyes fill up with tears and I blink them back furiously. But my nose starts to run regardless.
“Yeah, Star. I do.”
He says it so bluntly.
“Will you let me? Love you, I mean?” he asks me, his voice quiet and reverent. There’s a hint of humor in his eyes, but he’s also somber.
I jerk my head in a nod and rush over to him. He pulls me down to sit on his lap and I take his face in my hands and kiss him. I kiss him like there will never be another kiss. Like there was never another before.
“I’m sorry I didn’t ask you ahead of time,” I tell him. “I wanted it to be a big surprise, but I can see how you could have thought I didn’t want you to go.”
“I should have talked to you, but my feelings were hurt.” He laughs. “God, I sound like such a girl.”
“Nah, a girl would be sobbing, too.”
He snorts into my neck. “I think I was, earlier.”
We kiss for a minute and he whispers words of love and affection to me.
“I feel so bad you’re missing the awards show,” he says.
“There will be more. You are way more important.”
Mrs. Jameson comes to the door. “Do you want to watch the show with us?” she asks, a grin on her face when she sees me in Josh’s lap. She rubs her hands together. “I want to see if Fallen from Zero wins!”
She walks out of the room. “She knows who the Zeroes are?” I whisper to Josh.
He laughs. “She’s a metal head from way back,” he tells me. “She knows all your songs by heart. She was singing them while she made cookies this afternoon.”
I smile. “I like her a lot.”
He pulls me closer. “I do too.”
I start to say the words I need to say. It’s time. Past time. “Josh, I—” But a heavy fist raps on the door. I look up and see Emilio scowling at us.