So much blood.
I rub my hand over my face, trying to block out all of the images that won’t go away, but at the same time, trying hard to remember something about that dream that was important. It tickles the edge of my memory, but I can’t force myself to remember no matter how hard I try. The only thing I can focus on is Cole witnessing my nightmare, getting a front row seat to how messed up my head is.
His hands wrap around mine and he moves them away from my face, staring into my eyes. This is what I wanted, right? I wanted him to see everything. I wanted him to know what happened, even if it killed me to come right out and tell him. I thought that sleeping with him would make me forget, but all it did was bring everything right to the forefront of my mind.
“I’m sorry I didn’t leave when you fell asleep.”
I look over at the chair next to the couch, a blanket tossed haphazardly on the floor in front of it, where Cole must have been sleeping before I woke him up with my screams. Looking back up at him, I slide my hand along his arm and squeeze his bicep. He’s so solid and real… and he stayed. I can’t believe he stayed after the way I practically attacked him, telling him I just wanted to have sex with him to forget, not because I actually wanted him and needed him.
“I just… I couldn’t leave you. After you fell asleep and I covered you up, I grabbed my crutches and I was halfway to the door. I know you probably don’t want me here, but I don’t give a fuck. I’m not leaving, Olivia. I don’t care if you hate me, I don’t care if you scream and throw things at me, I’m not leaving . You’re stuck with me whether you like it or not because I can’t just NOT be with you. I can’t be in the same room with you and not want to touch you, I can’t look at you and not want to be inside you. I will make this right again because I love you. I love you, Olivia.”
I quickly move my hand up and press my fingers over his lips. The words are everything I longed to hear for a year, everything I thought I wanted, but I realize I don’t need them anymore. I just need Cole.
“Stop. You don’t have to make anything right again. It’s been right since the moment you came back to me,” I whisper.
I can’t fight this anymore; there’s no point. He brought the nightmares back with him, but none of that matters because he’s the only one who can take them away.
He sighs contentedly, kissing the tips of my fingers before moving my hand away.
“Smart woman. You must have realized that even with a bum knee I can still be a stubborn ass. Really, there’s no use arguing with me. I’ll always win,” he tells me with a smirk.
I shake my head and roll my eyes at him.
“Now that that’s settled, how about you tell me about that dream you were having. You scared the shit out of me.”
I think about the water, the blood and the child and a chill comes over me. Cole rubs his hands up and down my arms and it soothes me. I know he won’t let this go. I woke up screaming like I was dying and I can’t just shrug it off as no big deal.
“I know a thing or two about nightmares, Liv, believe me. Do you remember that night right before I left when you woke up and found me on the bathroom floor?”
I nodded. How could I forget? It was the third night in a row I’d woken up and he wasn’t next to me in bed. He’d been restless in his sleep for over a week, tossing and turning and mumbling names I’d never heard before. He would be covered in sweat, breathing heavily, and, even in sleep, his voice was filled with so much pain that it stole the breath from my lungs. The first night it happened, I wrapped my arms around him and spoke softly in his ear, telling him I loved him and that everything was okay. He’d never told me about the things he’d seen or done on missions and I let him keep it to himself. I couldn’t imagine how hard it was on him and I didn’t want to make it harder by questioning him, so I did what I could to soothe him without waking him up.
“I was dreaming about Dragon and King. I’d been doing fine since the day I met you. Not one bad dream, not one awful memory. I slept like a fucking baby every single night I was next to you until my commander called and told me they knew who was responsible for killing them. I didn’t want to burden you with my problems and I realize now how selfish that was of me.”
Tucking the blanket under my arms to hold it in place, I grab both of his hands and pull them into my lap, holding on tightly and remaining silent. He needs to get this out and I’m not about to stop him.
“It was always the same dream. They’re both standing in front of me one minute, laughing and joking about some stupid shit and then suddenly they’re both on the ground at my feet with matching bullet wounds between the eyes. In my dream, I get down on my knees between them and Dragon opens his eyes and tells me it’s all my fault.”
“Oh, Cole,” I speak softly.
He shakes his head roughly like he’s trying to clear the vision from his mind.
“I know it was just a dream. I know it wasn’t really my fault, I get that now. But Jesus Christ, that fucking dream haunted me every night until I thought I would lose my mind. I knew I was keeping you awake with my tossing and turning so it was just easier to get out of bed instead of trying to explain everything. That damn dream fucked me up, Liv. I thought it would go away once I took care of the man responsible for killing them. I pushed everything we had aside because I thought it was the only way to make the nightmares stop.”
He looks up at me, reaching out and swiping a tear that I didn’t even realize had fallen off of my cheek.
“I’m not telling you this so you’ll feel bad about what happened or feel sorry for me. I just need you to know that you’re not alone. Never again, Liv. Whatever nightmares you’re having, you share those fuckers, do you hear me? I will take them from you and I will kick their sorry asses.”
I can’t help but laugh and a smile lights up his face. He moves his body behind mine on the couch, wrapping his arms around me and pulling my back against his chest. I pull one of his hands away from my waist and slide my fingers through his, staring at our joined hands.
“I was really scared the day I found out I was pregnant,” I start softly.
Cole kisses the top of my head and I continue.
“I tried to find out where you were. I was pissed and upset that you left, but I wanted you to know. Garrett did everything he could to get the information from your commander, but the guy wouldn’t budge. After a few weeks, I finally told Garrett to stop trying. You left for a reason and, if you found out I was pregnant, I was afraid you might come home for the wrong ones. God, I was so sick. I didn’t have morning sickness, I had 24-7 sickness. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep and I just missed you so much. I threw myself into my work. I took on extra shifts, worked overtime. I did too much. The doctor told me to slow down, but I didn’t listen. I tried to pretend like it wasn’t real, that I wasn’t really pregnant and alone.”
Cole’s arms squeeze me tight and I let my head fall back against his chest.
“I’m going to keep saying this over and over until you finally believe it. It wasn’t your fault.”
I close my eyes and let the warmth of his body soothe me.
“By the time I realized just how wonderful and amazing the blessing that I’d been given was, it was too late. The baby was gone before I ever got a chance to tell him how much I wanted him, how much I loved him.”
Cole runs his hand down the top of my head before resting it on my shoulder, gently kneading the muscles.
“The dream is always the same. He’s right there, just beyond my reach and I can’t get to him. I can’t save him,” I mutter with a hitch in my voice.
“That baby was saved the moment it was conceived because of YOU. Just because he’s not here anymore doesn’t mean he wasn’t the luckiest kid in the world because he had you for a mother, even for a just a little while.”
He kisses the top of my head again and I wish I didn’t have to say anymore, but I do. There’s one last piece to my nightmare that no one will ever be able to heal, not
even Cole, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
“I can’t have any more children, Cole. That was my one shot and it’s gone. You deserve to be a father. You need to be with someone who can give that to you, and it’s not me.”
Cole moves his hand to my face and turns it so he can look at me. “Do you think any of that matters to me if you’re not there? Do you actually think I could find someone else and love her as much as I love you just because she could give me a child? Don’t you get it yet, Liv? YOU are all I need. We can adopt if that’s what you want. Shit, we can adopt fifty kids if it makes you happy.”
I smile up at him. “Fifty?”
“Okay, maybe not fifty. How about eleven? Then we’ll have our own football team,” he says with a laugh.
“You’re insane,” I tell him with a shake of my head.
“No, YOU’RE insane for thinking something like this would push me away. I already told you, you can’t get rid of me that easily,” Cole reassures me.
I turn my body to the side and rest my cheek against his chest, listening to his heartbeat thump against my ear. Cole scoots both of us down on the couch and rests his head against the armrest and I snuggle into him and close my eyes, feeling lighter and happier than I have in a long time.
I was so afraid of telling him the truth, but I should have known better. We still have things to work out, but I don’t fear them as much as I did. I’m still afraid of how Cole’s going to react once he learns of his family’s role in our loss, and I wish I could convince him to let it go, but I know he won’t stop until he finds out the truth. For right now, I’m going to spend every moment we have together showing him exactly how much he means to me. When the time comes and he finds out just how badly his family betrayed him, hopefully my love will be enough.
THE NEXT WEEK flies by and Cole’s knee is responding well to rehabilitation. He isn’t cursing at me nearly as much when I put him through the rigorous physical therapy exercises. He still swears, but at least it’s under his breath and not aimed right at me, so it’s an improvement.
“I really can’t believe how well you’re doing. I’ve never seen anyone with this much knee damage able to bounce back so quickly,” I tell him, holding his leg in my hand and helping him slowly bend and stretch it out as he lies on his back, going through the cool down exercises,
“Too bad it will never fully heal. My career as a bad ass Navy SEAL is a thing of the past now,” he says with a laugh.
His smile doesn’t make it to his eyes and I know it must be killing him to realize everything he worked so hard for all his life is finished. He’ll never go on another mission, he’ll never take out another bad guy and he’ll never work side by side with the men he calls brothers. I know he was semi-retired those two years we were together, but at least he still had the option of going back to work.
“It’s hard when your choices are taken from you and you don’t get a say in the matter,” I tell him quietly as I set his leg down on the mat and start massaging his knee.
“It really fucking sucks,” he agrees.
I smile as I work my fingers softly into the scarred skin all around his knee.
“Say it,” he tells me.
My hands stop moving and I pull my head up to look at him.
“We’re both feeling like less than we are because of circumstances out of our control. I can never be a SEAL again because of this damn knee and you…”
I swallow thickly as his voice softens.
“You can never have more children. Everything inside of me hurts just saying those words out loud because I know, more than anything, that any child would be lucky to have you as a mom.”
He sits up, holding my face in his hands and pressing a kiss to my lips.
“It fucking sucks. Say it.”
I sigh against his lips and whisper the words.
“Nope. Not gonna work. You have to say it and mean it.”
I can’t help but smile at him. I pull my head back and stare into his brown eyes.
“It. Fucking. Sucks,” I say loudly, with conviction in my voice.
A smile lights up his face and he nods his head, urging me to do it again. I throw my head back and scream the words as loud as I can and he shouts right along with me. We end up shouting until we laugh so hard our sides hurt.
“Alright, get back down on the ground, mister. I’m not finished with your massage,” I tell him after our laughter finally dies down.
He rolls away from me and lies down on his stomach, tucking his hands under his chin while I get to work rubbing down the back of his leg. After a few quiet minutes, he breaks the silence.
“Hey, do you remember that piece of land we found that day we were driving around? The one on the cliff overlooking the ocean?”
My heart starts beating faster as I think about the spot he’s referring to. At one time, that half-acre of land represented hope and a perfect future that I thought was right within my reach.
“Um, yeah. I guess so,” I tell him nonchalantly, rolling my eyes at how stupid I sound.
“Everything was so perfect that day. Not a cloud in the sky, driving along the coast with the windows down and then you saw that For Sale sign and your scream made my ears bleed,” he jokes with a laugh.
Reaching up, I give him a nice, firm swat on the ass.
“I did not scream that loud.”
“Are you kidding me, dogs ten miles away started howling,” he chuckles.
I remember every single thing about that day. I remember dragging him out of the car and making him walk every inch of the half-acre property. I remember standing right on the edge of the cliff, looking out at the sun setting over the ocean and talking about how perfect it would be to build a house there, raise a family, wake up every morning with that view outside our living room window.
“Someone bought it,” I tell him softly.
He cranes his neck over his shoulder and looks at me. “What?”
“I said, someone bought it. I drove by there a few weeks ago and they’ve already started building on it.”
I don’t tell him how much it hurt to see someone else’s dreams coming true in the spot where I thought all mine would finally be realized. I parked my car in front of the temporary gravel driveway they put in, watched the construction workers frame the house and cried harder than I had in a long time.
“Huh.”
That’s all Cole says before he turns around and puts his head back on the tops of his hands while I finish his massage.
A little while later, I shake out my hands and let him know I’m done. He rolls over, grabbing my hands and yanking me down on top of his body.
“I don’t think you’re quite finished yet,” he tells me with a smirk.
I straddle his hips and rest my palms on his chest while he rubs his hands up and down the outside of my thighs.
“Oh really? Is there something else that’s in need of a massage, Mr. Vargas?” I ask him with a cheeky grin.
He bucks his hips up against me and I let out a gasp when I feel how hard he is for me.
“I’m definitely having some trouble with a very, very large muscle in my pants,” he tells me, trying unsuccessfully to be serious.
My body shakes with laughter as I lean forward, pressing my hands into the mat on either side of his head. “You really need to work on these charming lines of yours.”
His hands slide into the back of my scrub pants, cupping my ass and rocking the lower half of my body against his hardness until I moan.
“You love my charm, admit it,” he tells me softly, leaning up to kiss me.
I hear the hint of a southern twang in his voice and my body warms. Even though he grew up in California, his time in the military was spent mostly in the South and he picked up a slight accent that comes out on occasion when he’s half asleep or trying to get into my pants.
I forget about the house that isn’t ours, being built on the land where we dreamed about the future. I forget a
bout everything but the man beneath me and everything he means to me.
“I just love you, Cole. Everything about you.”
His lips make their way across my cheek and down my neck as he inches my pants down.
“Say it again,” he whispers against my neck.
“I love you,” I whisper right back.
“Don’t ever stop,” he demands softly as I lift my hips and help him get my pants the rest of the way down.
I shake my head and smile down at him. “Never.”
He quickly rolls me over on the mat until he’s hovering over top of me, his brown eyes boring into me with all of the love and passion I’ve missed in the last year.
He rolls his hips, every hard inch of him sliding against the lace of my underwear until I moan his name.
“Your knee,” I mumble distractedly as he continues to push and slide between my legs.
He leans down, resting more of his weight on top of me and I wrap my legs around his hips, pulling him harder against me.
“My knee is fine. Don’t worry about my knee.”
He kisses his way down my body, his tongue swirling around my lace-covered nipple before he continues on, licking and kissing the skin of my stomach and around my belly button until my hips arch up to meet his mouth.
I’m worried about the weight he’s putting on his knee. I’m afraid he’s going to injure himself and set our therapy back, but right now, I can’t bring myself to stop him. All I can think about is how good it feels to have his hands slide my panties down my legs, his mouth hovering right over my clit so I can feel his warm breath whisper against me.
His hands run up the inside of my thighs until his thumbs glide through my center, spreading me open for him. I want to squeeze my eyes closed in anticipation of what he’s about to do to me, but I won’t let myself. I push up on my elbows and watch him as he dips down, his tongue making the lightest of contact as it slides through me. I whimper when he pulls back, my hips arching forward, begging for more. I need this. I need him. I need the pleasure only Cole can bring me. The sight of his head between my legs is almost enough to push me right over the edge, but I need more. I need everything.