Coffee in hand, Cali locked her apartment and turned for the elevator, dropping her keys into her purse as she walked. The sound of a lock turning ahead had her pulse kicking up. Could they actually run into each other this early? Could she talk him into starting his morning twenty minutes late?
Her body responded to the quiet creak of his opening door like melting butter, with a rich, warm spread of pleasure through her center. A smile slid across her face as her steps quickened, and her head angled as she sought to get a glimpse of the man who made her ache. Was he leaving for work too, sexy in a shirt and tie? Or headed to the gym, sexier still, with a bed-head and clothing he could get sweaty in?
She ran a hand over her hips in a quick check of her clothing. Her makeup was polished, she’d finished it only minutes ago, and she hadn’t had more than a sip off coffee so her mouth still held a hint of mint.
Jake’s door cracked further and then pulled fully open.
What—?
A woman stood at the threshold. Fumbling with the topmost button of her blouse in a way that revealed the scarlet lace mounding her breasts below.
Blood rushed to Cali’s head. Her breath ceased to pull through her lungs and her gut hollowed.
Maybe there was an explanation. Maybe—
The woman was beautiful. Petite, with china-doll-delicate features—blue, blue eyes, and honeyed hair that fell into a soft curl at her breast. She was stylish, in silk French cuffs and low-cut, narrow-hipped charcoal trousers that flared over stilettos. And she was buttoning up her freaking blouse while she stood halfway in the hall. On her way out of Jake’s place at barely six in the morning.
Oh, God. Really what kind of explanation could there be?
She was going to be sick.
As Cali managed to put one foot in front of the other and pass the door a new panic set in. This woman’s walk of shame was coinciding with Cali’s trip to the office. They were going to have to share the elevator to the lobby. Heat crept up her neck, bringing with it a sickening sheen of anxious sweat.
The stairs were at the other end of the hall. It might be worth backtracking. Her breath was coming faster, she realized. No good to hyperventilate in the hall. Someone might call a doctor to assist, and then she’d bludgeon him to death and end up in the clink for the rest of her life.
Get a grip. Get a grip.
Okay. Forget the stairs, forget the elevator, just get out of the hall. She’d hurry back to her own apartment.
From Jake’s door behind her, a lilting voice murmured something, and Cali’s tension increased tenfold. Jake was awake. If she walked back past his door she’d have to see him.
The only choice was to move forward. The quiet murmur of voices continued.
“…wonderful…felt so good…bed….”
Her chest ached with a flesh-rending kind of pain that ripped through the center of her. While she’d been thrashing in her sheets, frustrated by the idea of having to wait another night to be with him, Jake had been burning up his sheets, screwing another woman three walls away. Blood rushed past her ears, and her stomach seized in on itself, threatening imminent revolt.
Her fist knotted against her side as her breath came in ragged, fitful bursts. Damn him. Damn herself for trusting him! Her vision narrowed with her erratic gasps, swamping her in muted sensation. The buzzing hum within her head intensified like a raging swarm of bees until all other sound was drowned out.
Moving toward the elevator, she forced herself forward as an icy calm seeped into her chest, dousing the hot rage and hurt. She’d known better than to get involved, to open her heart again. She didn’t have time for feelings. She didn’t have time for heartbreak. Chicago was about work, about reaching that next rung on the ladder of success. This was just a painful but blessedly private reminder that she needed to realign her priorities.
Silently, the elevator doors opened. She stepped into the car and turned back to face the hall. The sight of the woman pulling out of an embrace burned into her retinas. The doors slid closed and Cali’s reflection stared back at her. Still. Silent. Unblinking.
Her senses returned with the gentle ding as the car stopped at the lobby. With the exception of her hands—her fingers felt as though the tendons had shortened within them and every flex and motion strained—she was coolly numb.
Cali curled her thumb over the lid of her mug and pushed the sip-flap back. Took a swallow of what might have been blistering coffee and sedately crossed the lobby.
She’d known better. But at least this time her stupidity hadn’t cost her a career.
Outside, she flagged a cab at the corner and arranged herself into the backseat, work gear piled around her. Punching in the office number, she got her assistant’s voice-mail and began dictating a memo regarding the vendor she’d met with the day before.
There was plenty to keep her busy. Nothing that mattered had changed. And so, refusing to acknowledge the emotion weighing heavy in her chest, she swore to herself she was fine.
Tuesday night, Jake hung one hand from the frame above Cali’s door and knocked again. She hadn’t phoned him back this afternoon, and he was trying to ignore the slight, chalking up his irritation to a day that had been terrible from the get-go. The get-go having shot off shortly after midnight, with the arrival of a woman he hadn’t been able to turn away and had spent the better part of the day trying to forget.
Pam. Arriving in a flurry of hugs and kisses and thank-yous for rescuing her—for always being her hero. Tossing around the ‘remember whens’, giggling on about things they’d done together. Waiting for him to laugh. Waiting for something.
Pam could reminisce all she wanted, and stare at him with those pleading eyes, but the trips down memory lane would never bear the fruit she hoped for. He didn’t miss her. Didn’t want her back. Couldn’t believe after four years of marriage to Paulo she still hadn’t quite given up.
Marrying her had been as big a mistake as he’d ever made—a disservice to them both. Which was why, no matter what Pam had done, he knew the blame was shared. He’d been so focused on school and grades and scores and residencies…and Pam had been by his side, pleasant and sweet, since they were sixteen years old. He’d loved her, but it wasn’t the kind of love you built a marriage on. Only drifting along, in that comfortable, distracted ignorance, he hadn’t realized the mistake until it was too late. Until the unsatisfied expectancy shimmering in Pam’s eyes had finally faded and she’d stopped looking to him for something she realized he wasn’t going to give her. Wasn’t capable of giving her.
And she’d found Paulo.
He hated to be reminded of it. But she was too much a part of his life to ever forget. His youth, his family, his friends, even his career. She’d been there at the start, and there wasn’t a person he worked with who didn’t know some piece of their history together. Most remembered his wife fondly. Had shared meals and celebrated his triumphs with her. Hell, she was probably having drinks with his partner’s wife while she was in town. He’d never actually be rid of her. On some mature level didn’t really want to be—had to value her for the bond they’d once shared. But there were other levels not so mature.
If Cali would just open the door he could at least forget about Pam for a while—scrub her from his mind as he lost himself in Cali’s warm, sweet body. He needed to cool off. Unwind and let go. No talk. No baggage. No history or mistakes. What he needed tonight was sex and satisfaction—at least until he could shake off the moody disposition weighing him down.
Finally the lock tumbled and the door opened. Only something wasn’t right. Cali stood cool and distant, bracing the door in front of her.
“Hey, you okay?” he asked, automatically sidestepping into the apartment and reaching for her.
Cali winced and slapped his hands away, as though the idea of him touching her was beyond repulsive.
What the hell? Jake took a step back, scanning the apartment around them for some clue as to what this was about.
“
I saw her.” Her mouth pinched shut. The lips he’d envisioned as a balm for the day he hadn’t believed could get any worse flattened into an unforgiving line.
Saw who? But then it clicked. He ought to know that disappointed glare anywhere. It spelled only one thing. Betrayal.
Of course—she’d seen Pam leaving his apartment.
He shook his head, weary from too many hours of bull. He didn’t need this. “Take it easy, Cali. It’s not what you think.”
Coughing out a laugh, she threw her head back in disgust. “Right. And where might I have heard that before? Sorry, Jake. What’s that saying? ‘Been there, done that, bought the tee-shirt’. So save it.”
His jaw clenched, teeth gritting in a series of slow pops as the resentment that had been simmering just below the surface all day threatened to erupt. “Listen. The woman you saw was Pam—”
“Pam? Perfect,” she cut in. “Wow, let me tell you that makes it even better.”
He knew where her frustration was coming from, logically, but she wasn’t giving him a chance to explain and he’d had enough.
“I can’t believe I thought you were different—”
And then he saw it. Pain too deep. Feelings too real. His eyes snapped shut, wanting to block out the sight of her emotions, but he’d already seen them. Knew what was there. A seed of resentment took root in his consciousness. She had no right berating him like this. None. She wasn’t his wife. She was barely his girlfriend!
“I thought that we had something! That there was a chance—”
“That’s enough, Cali.” His voice was harsher than he’d intended it, but the result was immediate silence.
“You assume too much about the claim you have on me,” he stated flatly, daring her to object.
Her head jerked back as though he’d slapped her. But he wasn’t done. “Have we ever discussed exclusivity? Even once?”
“That’s garbage,” she accused, her voice hoarse with betrayed emotion. “We were sleeping together. You acted as though—as if—”
“I acted as if I cared about you. And I do.”
“Funny way of showing it.”
“Actually, I think I’ve been pretty good at showing it. Specifically in coming over here—regardless of the fact that you didn’t return my call today—because we had plans for dinner. Even though I’m beat to hell after spending the better part of the night dealing with my ex-wife’s hotel crisis and acting like it didn’t bother me to have her crashing in my guestroom when, honestly, seeing Pam at all frustrates the hell out of me.”
Cali blinked back at him, her lips parted in silent understanding. After a beat, she shook her head. “I thought—”
“Yeah, I know what you thought. But don’t lump me in with the bad choices you’ve brought home in the past. I don’t screw around on the women I’m sleeping with, no matter how casually. Not while we’re together. It’s not my style. Never has been.”
“Jake, she was buttoning her blouse— I— What was I supposed to think?”
“I don’t know, Cali, have you even met me?” He was raking her over the coals about Pam, but that wasn’t what this was about. She shouldn’t have looked at him like that. Why had she let him see it? But suddenly all the things he’d been refusing to acknowledge because being with Cali felt so damn good were too hard to ignore. She’d stopped running from him to protect her career. It was what he’d wanted, but he hadn’t realized the risk she’d thought she was taking when she gave in. If she’d been right about Amanda—
She swallowed, let her gaze run the length of the room before daring to meet the challenge of his. “I’m sorry.”
Stepping forward, Cali searched his eyes, her own filling with liquid relief as she reached for him. Catching her hand an inch from his cheek, he stopped her, leveled her with a steady stare.
“Look, it’s been a hell of a day. One that I can’t wait to be done with.”
“Don’t you think we should talk about this? What you said? I know you were upset—”
He waved her off, hating that aching look in her eyes. “I’m going to call it a night, get out of here and get some rest.”
She blinked up at him, and then, as if suddenly understanding, took a step back, her cheeks running to pink. “Okay, I’m— Sure. Okay, then.”
“Tomorrow.” He leaned in and brushed her cheek with a perfunctory kiss. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
IT WAS nine-thirty the next evening before the knock came at her door. Cali had been useless all afternoon at work, and after checking her watch every minute and a half for an hour, she’d finally bolted for the door at five. She needed to feel his arms around her. Needed to hear his laugh. And all his sensible, calming, smooth talk reassuring her that everything would be okay. Only Jake wasn’t home, and as the hours had passed, she’d begun to panic. Now her nerves were shot, and as she jolted from her perch on the couch she dumped her files to the floor.
With a quick sweep, she haphazardly collected the mess and then raced to answer.
“Jake,” she sighed, when she finally set eyes on him.
Running a hand over his jaw, he cocked a smile at her. “Sorry it’s so late. Got hung up in a surgery.”
Saving lives. If a man had to keep her waiting for hours, having an excuse like that certainly took the sting out of it. “I’m just glad you came. I was worried—after last night—”
“Hey, don’t,” he soothed, drawing her under his arm. “I said I’d come.”
A pinch of warning prickled at the back of her neck, but then slipped away with the soothing stroke of Jake’s hand over her hair.
“Can I get you a glass of wine or a beer?” she offered, dodging the confrontation under the guise of good manners.
“No, but don’t let me stop you.”
She didn’t need a drink. Just a resolution of this whole messy business.
If only she knew what to say next—or if only Jake would say something. Ease the tension and put them back on track. But he didn’t say anything. Didn’t joke or laugh. He merely stepped away from her to shrug out of his suit jacket.
Knowing there wouldn’t be any smooth introduction to a subject as uncomfortable as the one she had to broach, she dove in. “Jake, I’m so sorry about yesterday.”
There. She’d begun, and it wasn’t nearly so bad as she’d expected. Now Jake would volley back, and in no time they’d have everything behind them. Her stomach would stop twisting into anxious knots, she’d be able to choke down more than a single bite of food at a time, and they’d pick up where they’d left off too many days ago with an embrace that lasted the whole night through.
Jake tossed his jacket over the arm of the couch, tugged at his tie with a series of practiced jerks that left it hanging free at his neck, then propped a shoulder against the wall. The portrait of casual comfort and relaxation. Only the edge of alertness in his eyes as he tracked her progress across the room—as if he were trying to gauge her fragility—told her it wasn’t so.
“We both said some things—we need to talk about them.”
The way he was watching her had her heart sinking slowly in her chest. “I know. We do.” She’d thought about little else all day. Trying to make sense of how something going so right could suddenly go so wrong. She crossed to the couch, trying to adjust herself so she wouldn’t appear as tense as she was. But when Jake dropped into the cushions beside her and began rubbing her shoulders with one hand it was fairly obvious she’d missed her target. And then, worse yet, he abruptly stopped, as if he hadn’t meant to touch her at all.
And just like that every one of her senses went on alert. The haze of frustrated confusion that had plagued her throughout the day vanished as she realized with sickening clarity what was about to happen.
Breakup.
No. That didn’t make sense. He couldn’t be ending it. What they had felt so right, like nothing she’d ever known before. It was new, yes, but for the first time in her life she felt as if al
l the pieces had found their proper places. What had happened because of the Pam thing was a…a blip. Certainly she’d misjudged him, and he was disappointed, let down that she hadn’t had more faith. That she’d lashed out before giving him a chance to explain the situation. But he had to consider the circumstances.
She couldn’t be the only one feeling that what they’d started was worth a bump in the road.
Forearms resting on his widespread knees, Jake let out a slow breath and dropped his gaze to the floor. “Look, Cali, I’m not going to marry you.”
“What?” She let out a stunned laugh. Maybe this was going to be easier to resolve than she’d thought. Marry her? That was ridiculous. Marriage hadn’t even crossed her mind. “I—I didn’t— I wasn’t—”
“Really?” He spoke softly, but there was an unyielding edge to his words. “Then what was it you thought there was ‘a chance’ for last night?”
Oh, well…that. Her arms crossed defensively over her chest. “I don’t know. We have a connection. Something…special. I wasn’t plotting a wedding.”
His expression said, Not yet, and before Cali could protest he went on to drive the point home. “Okay, not a ring and ceremony then, but the lasting kind of emotion that goes with it… I saw it in your face, in your eyes. I could see it tonight when you opened the door. You looked at me like you wanted forever. The way you’re searching my eyes right now— Cali, you’re looking for something in me that isn’t there.”
“That’s not true.” She leaned forward, took his hand. “Jake, I’m not looking for anything I didn’t see there before. I’m not talking about marriage. I don’t know about forever, but there’s something real between us. That’s all I want.”
“It’s not love. I told you from the start it couldn’t be. Never will be.”
Cali’s throat tightened as she met those clear blue, beautiful, unwavering eyes. What had happened between them was still so new, so completely wonderful. It was this incredible surprise she hadn’t had time to put a name to, let alone consciously examine it to determine how deeply her feelings ran. And yet with that simple, straightforward declaration she felt the brutal loss of it to the very bottom of her soul.