"Yeah, I'm okay. And I'm sorry, too."
"How about I make you a plate of food? I made the bacon extra crispy for you."
"That would be great."
"Coffee's ready, too. The creamer should be right there."
"Thanks," I said. I poured a cup and brought it to the dining room table, taking a seat next to London. I kissed the top of her head as she reached for her milk.
"How're you doing, sweetie? Did you have any good dreams?"
"I can't remember," she said. She took a gulp of milk, which left the trace of a milk mustache.
Vivian brought two plates to the table, with scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast, placing them in front of us. "Do you want some juice? There's some fresh-squeezed orange juice."
"Sounds great. Thanks."
Vivian brought those over as well, along with her own plate. Unlike ours, her plate had a small portion of scrambled egg whites and fruit.
I took a bite of bacon. "What time did you get up?"
"An hour ago, maybe? You must have been exhausted. I don't think you even heard me get out of bed."
"I guess I must have been," I said.
"I will say that if you hadn't gotten up, I was about to send London back there to jump on you."
I turned toward London, my mouth agape. "You wouldn't have done that, would you? If I was still sleeping?"
"Of course I would have," London said, giggling. "Guess what? Mommy is taking me to the mall to pick up her clothes, and then we're going to the pet store."
"What's at the pet store?"
"Mommy said I could get a hamster. I'm going to name her Mrs. Sprinkles."
"I didn't know you wanted a hamster."
"I've wanted a hamster for a long time, Daddy."
"How come you never told me, sweetie?"
"Because mom said you wouldn't want one."
"Well, I don't know," I said. "It's a lot of work taking care of hamsters."
"I know," she said. "But they're so cute."
"They are cute," I admitted, and for the remainder of breakfast, I listened while London tried to convince me she was old enough to take care of a hamster.
I was sipping my second cup of coffee in the kitchen while Vivian began loading the dishwasher; in the living room, London was playing with her Barbies.
"She's old enough to have a hamster, you know," Vivian commented. "Even if you'll have to clean the cage."
"Me?"
"Of course," she said. "You're the dad."
"And in your mind, helping my daughter clean a hamster cage is part of the job description, right?"
"Think of it as a good way to bond with her."
"Cleaning hamster poop?"
"Oh, hush," she said, nudging me. "It'll be good for her. She'll learn responsibility. And besides, it's a lot easier than getting her a puppy. She's also in love with the neighbor's Yorkie, you know, so consider yourself lucky. Did you see the newsletter from the country club?"
"Can't say that I did."
"They've got some good programs for kids, including tennis. It's three days a week at nine in the morning for four weeks, so it wouldn't interfere with any of her other activities. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday."
From where I was standing, I could see my daughter and noted again how much she resembled her mother. "I don't know if she'd like it," I answered. "And about London. I've been meaning to ask--what are you thinking when it comes to her?"
"What do you mean?"
"Day care," I said. "You're starting work tomorrow. Who's going to watch her?"
"I know, I know." A tinge of stress colored her response as she rinsed and loaded another plate into the dishwasher. "I meant to research some day cares last week, but I just didn't have the time. It's been all I can do to keep my head above water and I still feel like I'm not prepared for tomorrow. The last thing I want is for Walter to think I'm an idiot while we're at lunch."
"Lunch with Walter?"
"My new boss? Walter Spannerman?"
"I know who he is. I just didn't know you'd be having lunch with him tomorrow."
"I didn't either until this morning. I woke up to an email with my orientation schedule. They have me on the run all day tomorrow--human resources, the legal department, lunch, meetings with various vice presidents. I have to be there at seven thirty in the morning."
"Early," I said. I waited, wondering if she'd return to the subject of who would be watching London. She rinsed some utensils and loaded them in the dishwasher, remaining quiet. I cleared my throat. "And you said you haven't been able to find a day care center for London?"
"Not yet. I called some friends and they said the day cares they use are good, but I still want to see for myself, you know? Do a walk-through, meet the staff, discuss the kinds of programs they can offer. I want to make sure it's the right place for her."
"If you have the names, I can call and make an appointment for us."
"Well, that's the thing. I have no idea what kind of hours to expect this week."
"I'm sure I'd be able to set up an evening appointment."
"It's probably better if I do it, don't you think? I'd hate to have to cancel."
"So... what's the plan for tomorrow then? For London?"
"I wouldn't be comfortable with just dropping her off in some strange place. Would you? I want what's best for her."
"I'm sure that if you pick one of the places that your friends use, she'd be fine."
"She's already nervous enough about me going back to work and she was pretty upset this morning. That's why we had a family breakfast, and I suggested getting a hamster. I don't want her to feel like we're abandoning her this week."
"What exactly are you saying?"
Vivian closed the dishwasher door. "I was hoping that you would watch her this week. That way, London will have time to adjust."
"I can't. I have client meetings every day this week."
"I know I'm asking a lot and I hate to do this to you. But I don't know what else to do. I was thinking that you could either bring her to your office or maybe even work from home. When you have your meetings, you can drop her at your mom's. It would only be a week or two."
A week? Or two?
The words continued to reverberate in my mind, even as I answered. "I don't know. I'd have to call my mom and ask if she's okay with that."
"Would you? I'm already nervous enough about my new job, and I don't want to have to worry about London, too. Like I told you, she was really upset this morning."
I scrutinized London; she hadn't seemed upset at breakfast, and didn't appear upset now, but then Vivian knew her better than I did. "Yeah, okay. I'll call her."
Vivian smiled before moving close and slipping her arms around my neck.
"Trying to surprise me with dinner last night was very sweet. And I was thinking that I might just be in the mood for a glass of wine after London goes to bed." She kissed my neck, her breath hot on my skin. "Do you think you might be up for something like that?"
Despite myself, I suddenly wondered whether the entire morning--her appearance, her cheerful mood, breakfast--had simply been part of a plan to get what she wanted, but when she kissed my neck a second time, I forgave her.
Vivian and London were out until midafternoon. While they were gone, I finished the presentation for the chiropractor, the first of the meetings. In the meantime, I'd also tidied up the house and then called my mom. I told her about my client meetings the following week, and asked her if I could drop London off on Monday.
"Of course you can," she said.
I was hanging up the phone just as Vivian and London pulled in the drive, and I could hear London calling for me even before I made it out the door.
"Daddy, Daddy! Come here, quick!"
I trotted down the steps, watching as she held up a small clear plastic cage. From a distance, my first thought was that I was seeing double because there appeared to be two hamsters, one black and white, and the second, brown. London was grinning from
ear to ear as I approached.
"I got two of them, Daddy! Mrs. Sprinkles and Mr. Sprinkles."
"Two?
"She couldn't pick," Vivian said, "so I figured, why not? We had to get the cage anyway."
"And I got to hold Mr. Sprinkles the whole way home!" London added.
"You did, huh?"
"He's so sweet. He just sat there in my hands the whole time. I'm going to go hold Mrs. Sprinkles next."
"That's great," I said. "I like their cage."
"Oh, this is just their carrying cage. Their real cage is in the back. Mommy said you can help me put it together. It's huge!"
"She did, huh?" I said, and I was struck with visions of past Christmas Eves, when I'd spent hours assembling various... things--painter's desk, Barbie's Dreamhouse, the bicycle. Suffice it to say, I found it much more difficult than my father probably would have. Vivian must have known exactly what I was thinking because I felt her slip her arm around me.
"Don't worry," she said. "It won't be that hard. And I'll be your cheerleader."
Later that night, after we'd made love, I was lying on my side, tracing the small of Vivian's back with my finger. Her eyes were closed, her body relaxed, beautiful.
"You still haven't told me much about what your job actually entails."
"There's not much to tell. It's the same kind of work that I used to do." She sounded sleepy, the words coming out almost in a mumble.
"Do you know how much you might be traveling?"
"Not yet," she answered. "I guess I'll find out."
"That might get tricky with London."
"London will be okay. You'll be here."
For whatever reason, I'd expected her to say more: how much she'd miss London, or that she was hoping to find a way to travel less. Instead, she drew long steady breaths.
"Do you know your salary yet?"
"Why?"
"I'm trying to figure out our budget."
"No," she said. "I don't know yet."
"How can you not know?"
"There's the base salary, bonuses, and different kinds of incentives. Profit sharing. I sort of tuned out when they started to explain it to me."
"Do you even have a ballpark estimate?"
She flopped a hand onto my arm. "Do we really have to do this now? You know I hate talking about money."
"No, of course not."
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
"Thanks for watching London this week."
Or two weeks, I immediately thought, but I kept the words to myself. "You're welcome."
I couldn't fall asleep, and after staring at the ceiling for an hour, I slipped from the bed and padded toward the kitchen. I poured a small glass of milk and finished it in a single swallow, thinking that since I was up, I might as well check in on London. I entered her room and could hear the hamster wheel squeaking and whirring, a hamster party in the middle of the night.
Thankfully, London seemed not to notice. She was sound asleep, her breaths deep and steady. I kissed her on the cheek before pulling up the covers. She shifted slightly and as I stared down at her, I felt a tug at my heart, a mixture of pride and love and concern and fear, a mixture that mystified me in its intensity.
Afterward, I sat outside on the porch. The night was warm and the sound of chirping crickets filled the air; I vaguely remembered something from my childhood when my dad had told me that the frequency of chirps roughly correlated with the temperature, and I wondered whether it was true, or just something that fathers say to their sons on late summer evenings.
Pondering that question seemed to free other thoughts, and I suddenly understood why sleep seemed so elusive.
It had to do with Vivian and the fact that she hadn't told me her salary. I didn't believe her when she said she'd tuned out when it was being explained to her, and that bothered me as well.
In all the years we'd been married, I'd always shared with Vivian exactly what I'd earned. To me, sharing such information was a prerequisite of marriage; the last thing any couple should harbor was financial secrecy. Secrecy could be corrosive, and ultimately stemmed from a desire to control. Or maybe, I was being too hard on her. Maybe it was simply she hadn't wanted to hurt my feelings because she'd be earning an income while my own business was floundering.
I couldn't figure it out. Meanwhile, I'd been handed the responsibility for our daughter, and all at once, the real reason for my insomnia seemed all too obvious.
Our roles in the marriage had suddenly been reversed.
CHAPTER 6
Mr. Mom
When I was young, my parents would load the camper and bring Marge and me to the Outer Banks every summer. Early on, we stayed near Rodanthe; later we stayed farther north, near the area where the Wright brothers made aviation history. But as we grew older, Ocracoke became our spot.
Ocracoke isn't much more than a village, but compared to Rodanthe, it was a metropolis, with shops that served ice cream and pizza by the slice. Marge and I spent hours roaming the beaches and the shops, collecting seashells and lounging in the sun. In the evenings, my mom would make dinner, usually burgers or hot dogs. Afterward, we'd capture fireflies in mason jars before finally falling asleep in a tent while our parents slept in the camper, stars filling the nighttime sky.
Good times. Some of the best in my life. Of course, my dad recalls them differently.
"I hated those family trips," he confessed to me when I was in college. "You and Marge would fight like cats and dogs on the whole drive down. You'd get sunburned on the first day and you'd whine like a baby the rest of the week. Marge would spend most of the week sulking because she wasn't with her friends, and if that wasn't bad enough, as soon as your skin began to peel, you'd throw the remains at Marge to make her scream. You two were a total pain in the ass."
"Then why did you bring us every year?"
"Because your mother made me. I would have rather gone on vacation."
"We were on vacation."
"No," he said, "we were on a family trip, not a vacation."
"What's the difference?"
"You'll figure it out."
For the first three years of London's life, trips out of town required D-Day-like preparations, diapers and bottles and strollers; snacks and baby shampoo, entire bags packed with toys to amuse her. While out of town, we visited places that we thought she would enjoy--the aquarium, McDonald's playgrounds, the beach--running ourselves ragged, with little time to ourselves and even less time to relax.
Two weeks before London's fourth birthday, however, Peters sent me to Miami for a conference, and I decided to use a few vacation days after it ended. I made arrangements for my parents to take care London for four days, and while Vivian had initially been hesitant to leave our daughter, it didn't take long for both of us to understand how much we'd simply missed being... free. We read magazines and books by the pool, sipped pina coladas, and took naps in the afternoon. We got dressed up for dinner, lingered over glasses of wine, and made love every single day, sometimes more than once. One night we went to a nightclub and danced until well after midnight, sleeping in the next day. By the time we returned to Charlotte, I finally understood what my dad had meant.
Kids, he meant, changed everything.
It would have been more appropriate, I suppose, if it had been Friday the thirteenth, instead of Monday the thirteenth since everything about Vivian's first day of work seemed off somehow.
For starters, Vivian hopped in the shower first, which threw off a morning schedule that had been years in the making. Unsure what to do, I made the bed and went to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. While it brewed, I decided to make Vivian a breakfast including egg whites, along with berries and slices of cantaloupe. I made the same for myself, thinking it wouldn't hurt to drop a few pounds. My pants, I'd noticed, were beginning to nip at my waist.
While I was cooking, London joined me in the kitchen and I poured her a bowl of cereal. Her hair was puffed up and messy, an
d even I could see that she was tired.
"Did you sleep okay?" I asked.
"Mr. and Mrs. Sprinkles kept waking me up. They kept getting on the wheel and it squeaks."
"That's not good. I'll see if I can make it stop squeaking, okay?"
She nodded as I poured my first cup of coffee. It wasn't until I was on my third cup that Vivian finally made it to the kitchen. I did a double take.
"Whoa." I smiled.
"You like?"
"You look fantastic," I said, meaning it. "I made you breakfast."
"I don't know how much I can eat. I'm so nervous, I'm not hungry."
I reheated the egg whites in the microwave while Vivian sat with London, listening as London told her about the noisy wheel.
"I told her I'd see if I can make it quieter," I said, bringing the plates to the table.
Vivian began to nibble at her food while I sat. "You'll need to use the detangling spray on London's hair this morning before you brush it. It's next to the sink, in the green bottle."
"No problem," I said, vaguely remembering that I'd seen Vivian do it before. I scooped a forkful of eggs.
She turned her attention to London. "And your dad is going to sign you up for tennis camp today. You're going to love it."
I hesitated, my fork hovering just above the plate. "Wait..." I said. "What?"
"Tennis camp? We talked about this yesterday. Don't you remember?"
"I remember that you mentioned it. I don't remember any decision though."
"The sign-up for camp is today, and they're pretty sure it's going to fill up fast, so you should try to be there around eight thirty. They'll start taking names at nine. Her art class is at eleven."
"I need to go over my presentation."
"It's not going to take long to sign her up, and you can go over it while she's doing art. There's a coffee shop a couple of doors down in the same complex. She'll be fine if you don't stay--I usually just drop her off and leave for the gym. What time's your meeting?"
"Two."
"See? That's perfect. Her class ends at twelve thirty, so you can drop her at your mom's afterward. You know where the studio is, right? In that strip center just down from the mall with the TGI Fridays?"
I knew the strip mall she was talking about, but my mind was more focused on my rapidly expanding to-do list.