Me: Don’t ask me why, but Azurdee is going to need Jessie. Make an excuse to come into town today.
I placed my phone back down onto the counter and slowly made my way back to my bedroom as I downed my second beer.
I opened the door and was instantly hit with her smell. The tears building in my eyes caused me to almost turn around and leave. Maybe if I just disappeared from her life that would be better.
She rolled over and made a noise. When I set the beer down on the side table she sat up quickly. She rubbed her eyes and whispered, “Lark?”
“Yeah, it’s me, mi amor.”
She jumped out of bed and ran to me. When she slammed into my body I cried out in pain and she jumped back.
“What’s wrong?” she asked as she turned on the side lamp. The moment I saw her beautiful face, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do this. I loved her so much and the thought of hurting her about destroyed me. When she smiled at me it hit me hard…the idea of putting her life in danger destroyed me even more.
I shook my head and said, “Nothing. I missed you so much, baby.”
She smiled bigger and pulled my T-shirt over her head and stood before me naked. “Show me how much you missed me.”
One more time. I needed to make love to her one more time. I needed her to feel my love.
I reached over and turned off the light and began taking off my clothes.
“Get back on the bed, Azurdee. Get on your hands and knees.”
She shook her head. “No. I don’t want to be fucked, Lark. I want you to make love to me.”
I closed my eyes and almost begged her to just let me have her from behind. If I was behind her she wouldn’t see the gunshot wound on my side.
“Please,” she whispered as she lay down on the bed. I quickly stripped out of my clothes and crawled on top of her. I pushed her hands above her head and said, “Hold onto the bed. Don’t touch me.”
She bit down on her lip and did as I said. I began teasing her wet entrance with my tip and I about came on the spot when I felt how wet she was.
I pushed into her and we both let out a moan. “I missed you so much, Azurdee.”
“I’ve missed you too.”
I began making love to her slowly. She kept her hands above her head and as she began softly calling out my name she wrapped her legs around me and then wrapped her arms around me.
The pain shot through me like I was getting hit with the bullet all over again. I closed my eyes tightly as she rode out her orgasm. I wasn’t sure how I was able to do it, but I came right after she did.
She held onto me and I finally had to push her legs away. She sat up quickly and looked at me. She looked down at my left side and then quickly moved to turn on the light.
“Azurdee, no.” I reached for her, but it was too late. The light was on and she had her hands up to her mouth. When her eyes met mine they were filling with tears.
She jumped up and grabbed my T-shirt and put it back on. “You’re hurt. You’re bleeding.”
I shook my head and said, “Its okay, baby. It’s gonna be okay.”
“What? What happened?”
I stood up and walked into the bathroom. Fuck, I needed to take something for the pain. I stood there and took in a few deep breaths to control the pain.
She walked in behind me and whispered, “You’ve been shot.”
I didn’t turn to look at her as I said, “It’s all a part of the job.”
She remained silent for a few seconds before she said, “Please tell me what happened. Tell me what’s going on. Lark, this is killing me not knowing.”
I opened the cabinet and looked for some pain pills. I had some in my jacket pocket but my jacket was in the kitchen.
I grabbed some Advil and swallowed four of them.
“You know I can’t tell you, Azurdee.”
“Bullshit. This whole top-secret shit is getting old. I have the right to know how in the hell you got shot.”
I closed my eyes. This was it. This was my out.
I turned to face her. “No you don’t. It’s none of your business and I told you in the beginning I wasn’t going to be able to give you what you wanted.”
She looked at me confused. “What? You give me everything I’ve ever wanted. Lark, I’m just trying to understand what is happening here. Please tell me what you’re doing? What do you do? For Christ’s sake, you’re standing here in front of me bleeding from a gunshot wound!”
I let out a gruff laugh. “You’d leave me if you ever knew what I did, Azurdee.”
She looked at me and dropped her mouth open. “Am I getting a little too close to the truth? Is that why you’re pushing me away? I won’t let you. I take the bad with the good, Lark. I love you and I’ve always told you I will love you unconditionally.”
I walked past her and said, “I’m not telling you, Azurdee, so either you drop it or you leave.”
I died when I heard the sob escape her lips. “What?”
I closed my eyes tightly and got ready to do the one thing I promised myself I would never do to her. I got ready to destroy her love for me.
I spun around and yelled out, “What do you want from me? I’ve given you everything that I can. I told you I couldn’t give you my complete self. I told you my job was not open for talking about, yet you stand here and push and push. I’m sick of this shit. I’m done. This was all a mistake and I should have known I couldn’t do this.”
I stopped and waited for her to say something back. She stood there for a few seconds before she tried to talk. Her voice cracked and my heart broke in two. She slowly shook her head and said, “Why are you pushing me away? If you don’t want to tell me…you don’t have to tell me…but please…please don’t push me away.”
I closed my eyes and said, “I can’t do it anymore. It’s too hard.”
She put her hand up to her mouth and asked, “What’s too hard?”
“You…you’re expecting too much from me, and I’m not sure I’m ready to give you all of me.”
She slowly started to sink down to the floor as she began crying. I went to reach out for her but I saw Vazquez’s brother’s face as I faced him after I killed his brother, and the pictures of her flooded my mind.
“But…you said…you said you loved me. Our letters…the bottle…our journey. What about you telling me you loved me?”
I closed my eyes and turned away from her before she could see my tears.
“I slept with someone before I left on this last mission.”
She let out a gasp and whispered, “What?”
God please forgive me.
“I saw Sherry in the elevator before I left. She started coming on to me and we ended up fucking in the elevator. I just couldn’t stop myself.”
I felt her brush past me. When I heard her crying harder I wanted to immediately tell her I was lying, but all I could see was the pictures of her. They consumed my mind.
She quickly pulled on a pair of pants and grabbed her cell phone. She walked to the door and turned to look at me as she attempted to settle down.
“Here I thought I saw what was really on the inside.” She shook her head. “I see what you’re doing and I don’t know why you’re pushing me away.” She let out a sob and wiped the tears from her face. “I’ve loved you from the very beginning and will always love you. I’ll love you for the rest of my life, Michael Williams. You’ll never begin to know how you just destroyed my whole world.”
She pulled open the door and walked out. I started to go after her. I walked out into the hall and heard her doing something in the kitchen. When I heard glass breaking I began walking faster.
As I turned on the light I saw a vase smashed on the floor. It had been filled with red roses. I heard the elevator shut and I stood there and listened as the only girl I’d ever loved...and would ever love…disappeared from my life.
I stood there frozen in place. I hadn’t felt this numb since Nikki’s death. No…I’d never in my life felt thi
s numb. Azurdee was my entire life. I’d have given my last breath for her love.
I walked over and picked up my phone and typed out a message:
Me: It’s done.
Skip: You just saved her life.
Me: I hope so, because I feel like I just destroyed both of our lives. I have nothing left to fight for.
Skip: Yes you do. To kill the bastards who are out to kill you. Get them and you can tell her the truth.
I reached for another beer as I made my way back to my room. I sent out one more text to the man we had tagging her before I downed two pain pills and another beer:
Me: I want daily reports. Where she is and who she’s been with. Every night at twenty-one hundred hours.
Intel1: Yes sir.
As soon as my head hit the pillow I could smell her. I wasn’t sure how long I tossed and turned. When I finally couldn’t keep my eyes open another minute, I drifted off into a dream. A dream of Azurdee walking along a trail with her hand on her swollen stomach.
I walked out of the elevator still dazed, confused, hurt, and angry. I wasn’t even paying attention when I ran right into someone.
“Excuse me,” I barely said as I tried to hold back my sobs.
“Azurdee?”
I stopped in my tracks and turned to see Sherry standing there.
Her smiled dropped and she said, “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Is Lark okay?”
My heart began slamming in my chest so hard it felt like I was having a hard time breathing.
“Azurdee…sweetheart. Come on.” She put her arm around me and quickly ushered me into the elevator.
Oh God. I’m with the woman who Lark cheated on me with. Oh God. Can’t breathe.
The elevator doors opened and we stepped into a small hallway. She guided me around a corner and quickly opened her door. The next thing I knew I was on her sofa and she was kneeling in front of me.
“Breathe…honey, breathe. You have to calm down.”
I shook my head and attempted to take deep breaths. I felt like I was in a haze. Nothing made sense right now. I put my hand on my chest and whispered, “Can’t breathe.”
“You’re having an anxiety attack. Darling, just close your eyes and focus on calming down.”
I did what she said. I was almost afraid to close my eyes for fear of picturing Lark and Sherry together in the elevator.
When I began getting my breathing under control, Sherry stood up and walked over to a mini bar. She opened a bottle of wine and poured two glasses. She walked back over and sat down on her coffee table and handed me the glass.
“Now, when you’re ready, tell me what happened.”
I took a sip of the wine. I took a deep breath in and closed my eyes.
“He pushed me away.”
“Fuck,” Sherry whispered.
I snapped my eyes open and looked at her.
She shook her head slowly and said, “He got scared. Maybe things were getting too real for him?”
I wasn’t sure why I did it but I just blurted out what I was thinking. “He said he fucked you when he left to go out of town. In the elevator. He said he couldn’t control himself any longer.”
Sherry stood up and I swore I almost saw steam coming from her ears. “That little fucking bastard. I can’t believe he brought me into this.”
She began pacing back and forth. She turned and looked at me. “When did he leave?”
I shrugged my shoulders. I couldn’t even think straight.
She began laughing. “I just got home last night from a four-week vacation in France.”
My stomach dropped. “He lied?”
She nodded her head. “Of course he lied. Think about it. What better way to push you away than say he cheated on you? Trust me sweetheart when I say this, that boy is head over heels in love with you and I’ve known him for a long time. I would bet my career that he hasn’t even glanced in the direction of another woman since you came into the picture.”
I took another sip of the wine. Then I downed it.
“Want another glass?” Sherry asked.
I nodded and said, “Please.”
I sat there and racked my brain trying to think if that was what Lark was doing. Was he pushing me away because things were getting too real for him?
I shook my head. No. The letters. The bottle. Our Journey.
I looked up at Sherry as she handed me another glass of wine. “No, he is pushing me away because of something different. I think he’s…I think he’s trying to protect me from something. Or someone.”
Sherry raised her eyebrow and tilted her head. “Like who?”
I needed to be careful what I said to her. “Gah…I don’t know. Maybe I’m making excuses for him. Maybe he just isn’t the one girl kind of guy.” I felt the tears building in my eyes again. If he truly loved me though…he would want to protect me. He would want me near him to keep me safe. Maybe he cheated on me with someone else and just said Sherry.
I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. I stood up and smiled at Sherry. “Thank you so much for being so kind. I really appreciate it. I think I better get home.”
Sherry walked me to the door and placed her hand on my shoulder. “Please know that I’m here for you if you ever need anything.”
I smiled but it was weird knowing that she and Lark had a past together. “I appreciate that. I just think I need to get some sleep.”
I walked into the elevator and made my way to my car. Lark had gotten another spot for me to park and I held my breath the entire way there. I was sure he would be standing there. When I walked around the corner and didn’t see him I began crying again.
I drove the whole way home crying my eyes out and trying to understand how a person goes from telling you they love you to telling you they don’t.
By the time my head hit the pillow, I was completely out of tears. I just needed to sleep. I needed to sleep and thought that maybe I would wake up and it would all have been just a bad dream.
“Azurdee? Azurdee?” I saw Jessie snapping her fingers in front of my face, but I was totally lost in another world as I sat on the sofa. A world where Lark never hurt me. A world where he never let me walk out of his life like I never meant a thing to him.
I smiled weakly and said, “Sorry. I was just thinking.”
Jessie smiled and tilted her head. “Have you heard from him at all?”
I shook my head. “Has Scott?”
She frowned and said, “I don’t think so. If Scott’s talked to him, he hasn’t told me.”
“I can’t believe it’s been a month already. He hasn’t called, texted, nothing. I just sit here every day expecting him to come to his senses but maybe…maybe he never really loved me in the first place.”
Jessie grabbed my hands and got down on the floor in front of me as she looked up into my eyes. “Bullshit. I saw the way he looked at you. Everyone saw it. Have you talked to Tristan?”
I shook my head. “No. Ryn’s called me though. She and I are actually going out tonight. She is insisting we are going out to drink and party the Williams boys out of our system.” I quickly wiped the tear from my face and said, “I don’t want to forget him. I love him, Jess. I love him so much and something just doesn’t feel right. The way he looked at me. It was like he was pushing me away for a reason and he didn’t want to do it.”
Jessie let out a sigh and said, “You’re going out? Where?”
I rolled my eyes. “The Red 7. Ryn has been bugging me for two weeks.”
Jessie sat down next to me and let out a laugh. “Does she know you are so not a club kind of girl?”
I smiled weakly. “Yes. But she said she wants to see my ass grinding on some serious dick tonight.”
I looked at Jessie and we both busted out laughing. We laughed so hard I had tears coming from my eyes. I wasn’t even sure why we thought that was so funny. I needed that laugh. It was almost therapeutic in a way.
Jessie had stayed for a few hours and I knew what she was
doing. I felt like I was being babysat. She had been calling me every single day since the breakup, and I knew it must have been because Lark told Scott.
After I walked Jessie out to her car and made plans to meet for lunch the next week, I turned and slowly made my way back into the house. I was tempted to text Ryn and tell her I wasn’t up for going out, but she had been so excited and honestly I was so sick of trying to figure out what happened with me and Lark that I needed a night out. Maybe I would even get drunk.
As I walked up to Ryn’s door my stomach felt sick. I wasn’t really in the mood for this, but maybe this would get my mind off of Lark. Ryn opened her door and looked me up and down. “Holy hell. Look at you.”
I held my hands up and smiled.
“Jesus. I’m going to have to fight you for men tonight,” she said as I laughed and looked down at my satin cocktail dress. It was covered in beaded crystals with a high round collar. It opened in the back and went so far down I was pretty sure my ass would be showing if it went any lower. The dress was gold with silver accents on it.
“You like it? I actually bought it for Joyce and Peter’s anniversary party but…”
She held up her hand and said, “No talk of the Williams boys or their adorable parents who I fell in love with. That just makes me hate Tristan even more.”
I chuckled as I walked into her apartment and looked around. It was the first time I had been here. It was decorated exactly like I had pictured it would look like. Very simple with just small touches of the outside brought in. No bright colors. All neutral and soft colors.
I turned and looked at her. Ryn was breathtaking. She must have been about five-four. Beautiful wavy brown hair, and the bluest of blue eyes. She was wearing a light blue cocktail dress that emphasized her eyes even more. Her hair was pulled up, with pieces of hair pulled down to frame her beautiful face. She grabbed her clutch purse and put a scarf over her shoulders and gave me a wink.
“Let’s go party.”
The second we walked into the club I felt the headache coming on. The music was moving through my body and I instantly thought of Lark. I was wishing Ryn had picked another club to come to, but she knew the manager and from what I could gather they might have had something going on. She waved and pointed as she shouted to me. “There’s Dodge. Come on, I want to introduce you. He’s gonna shit his pants when he lays his eyes on you.”