I sucked in air, taking in everything he was saying, reliving it through his eyes. Not noticing I’d been crying right along with him until a tear fell to my lips.
“I dream about her all the time. Thinkin’ about somethin’ that will never be. You see, Mia, your purgatory is the fact that you don’t remember anythin’... mine is the fact that I do.”
“Noah...” I whispered, my voice breaking.
“I don’t want you to remember. I pray every night that you don’t. Cuz I know the day you do, you’ll fuckin’ hate me. Just as much as I hate myself for not savin’ our baby girl.”
I grimaced, his words too much for me to bear. I sat up, taking him along with me, straddling his lap. It was my turn to wipe away his tears. Using my lips, my fingers, wanting to take away his pain and sorrow.
“I could never hate you,” I murmured, caressing all over his face. Silently praying he would believe me.
There wasn’t an inch of me that didn’t ache for him, that didn’t want him. I craved his touch now, more than ever before. I licked my lips, needing the moisture to soothe the burn his words and breath caused against my mouth. His eyes followed the simple gesture of my tongue.
“It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. I may not remember what happened, but I know in my heart who you are and what you mean to me. You can’t keep blaming yourself for something you had no control over. You didn’t pull the trigger. You would never hurt me. I know that without my memory. Do you understand me?”
He pulled back a little, narrowing his eyes at me. Searching my face for I don’t know what. He just nodded, answering my question as he reached up to sweep my hair away from my face, never letting his eyes waver from mine. I didn’t hesitate, leaning in and kissing him. Wanting and needing to take away his memory of that day, knowing in my heart it wouldn’t matter, it would always haunt him. I felt as though it was the least I could do to try.
Allowing my touch to speak for itself.
In a matter of minutes, our kiss turned into something else entirely. Something we both wanted but had yet to make happen.
“Pretty girl,” he rasped, against my mouth. “What are you doin’?” Feeling the urgency of my lips claiming his.
“I want you,” I simply stated in between kisses. Not wanting to stop comforting him, even if it was just for a second.
“Mia...” he groaned in a husky, torn tone. Waiting for me to say the words he desperately yearned to hear.
“Please... Take me to bed. I’m yours.”
He abruptly stood, carrying me up with him like I weighed nothing, wrapping my legs around his waist. Roughly smacking my ass, causing me to yelp. He carried me into his bedroom where he laid me down on the bed, hovering his huge frame over mine.
Looking deep into my eyes, he breathed out, “Are you sure?”
“Yes.” I sat up enough to take my dress off, discarding it on the floor. Leaving me topless and exposed, wearing only my panties.
I knew he had seen me naked before, but right now, it felt like the first time all over again. I was so nervous laying there, waiting for him to do what he pleased with me. My heart beat at an uneven rate, threatening to erupt from my chest. Maybe it was the predatory look on his face or the fact that I had just seen another side to him. It also could have been from knowing I was going to touch him, feel him, and see him in ways I didn’t remember experiencing with this man.
“You’re so goddamn beautiful,” he praised with a sincere tone, standing above me at the edge of the bed. Pulling his shirt over his head, revealing his hard, toned, muscular body, covered in nothing but art.
It was then that I saw it, the name Maddie tattooed in small cursive lettering over his heart.
“When did you do that?”
“The day after she died.”
“How is this the first time I’m noticing it?”
“You weren’t lookin’ for it before.”
His eyes shifted, taking in every last inch of my body as if it was the first time he was really getting a good look at me.
“Spread your legs for me, baby.”
I timidly obeyed, willing my already shaking legs to move. Opening them, anxiously waiting for what I knew was to come. He released a loud growl that escaped from the back of his throat, adding fuel to the flames already burning inside me. Grabbing onto my thighs, he pulled me to the edge of the mattress and sank down on his knees.
I rapidly closed my eyes, and the familiar uncomfortable feeling returned with a vengeance. I was finding it hard to breathe as he kissed and licked his way up my thighs. Not understanding why the intimacy of what he was about to do felt so wrong. I bit my lip, pleading with my mind to let me go, let me live in the moment right here, right now with him. Enjoy the sensations his mouth would stir inside of me.
“Mia,” he muttered, making me look down at him. “Can I taste you? You wouldn’t let me before, but fuck, baby... I need to. I’m fuckin’ starvin’.”
His words struck a chord deep inside of me, mimicking the way I was feeling. And I wasn’t referring to the filthy things he said, but to the fact that this was the first time he would be doing this...
Is that why it felt wrong? Because I didn’t let him before? Why didn’t I let him?
I nodded, unable to speak. Forcefully pushing away the sentiments as best as I could.
My head fell back the second I felt his tongue on me. The closeness of his mouth to my most private area was a feeling that had me grabbing the sheets in a frenzy, and he’d barely even started to touch me. I expected him to be rough, but he was being so gentle, taking his time to devour me. Making me wet for him and only him.
“Oh God,” I whimpered in pleasure.
He growled, returning his tongue to my heat. Lapping at me, eating me like I was his favorite meal. Making me go crazy with passion and desire while I battled the unrelenting feelings raging war in my head. They were merciless and unforgiving.
He sucked on my clit harder, side-to-side, causing me to scream out his name in ecstasy. Within seconds he was making me come over and over again, plunging his tongue in and out of me. Using his thumb to work my clit, sending me further and further over the edge till I was free falling, leaving behind everything my mind was adamant on showing me.
I shook the entire time as he let me ride out my orgasm against his lips. Only releasing me when I was done and couldn’t take anymore. He kissed his way up my body, stopping when he was just above my faint scar. Causing tears to threaten my eyes when I felt his lips brush against it, letting them linger for what felt like hours but was really just seconds. Before continuing his descent up to my breasts.
With one hand, he grabbed the back of my neck, keeping me close to his body. Exactly where he wanted me. I moaned when his lips crashed into mine, bucking my hips off the bed, arching my back. Silently requesting him to keep going. He smiled against my mouth, pleased by my subtle request. Ready to give me what he wanted, what he craved, what he had been waiting for. Kissing me long and hard, he reached over to his nightstand drawer and pulled out a condom. Never once breaking our connection.
My shaking hands moved hastily to his belt, undoing it as fast as I could. Moving to unbutton his jeans next. Using my feet to help him slide them down, along with his boxers. He chuckled, taking in the expression on my face when I saw his hard cock jut free. I bit my lip as he rolled the condom down his shaft and into place. Crawling his way back up my body when he was done. He caged me in with his arms around my face, gripping the back of my neck again, not wanting to lose our connection.
“Don’t close your eyes, baby. I wanna look into them as I make love to you.”
I kept my eyes open, my mind and heart battling against each other to close them. His hold tightened on my neck as he angled his dick into my opening with his other hand. Gently starting to thrust inside of me, resting his forehead on mine, causing our mouths to part in sync from the feeling of becoming one.
He stopped when he was fully inside of me, j
ust wanting a moment to look into my eyes. To memorize the sensation of him wrapped up in me. My arms went around his neck as he slowly started to thrust in and out, wanting me to get used to his size and girth.
“Fuck, you feel good,” he groaned, thrusting harder. “How do you feel this fuckin’ good?”
I winced, but he didn’t see it, too caught up in the moment, in us. The one I knew he had been waiting for since the first time we did this over a year ago. Everything he was saying was like I’d heard it before, but it wasn’t from him.
Was it Creed?
He grabbed my leg, angling it higher. It was much deeper that way, making me clench and tighten around his shaft, which earned me a loud, ravenous growl in return. He never once let up his hold as he continued to move at a hard and fast pace that had me weakening beneath him. Feeling every last inch of him moving in and out of me. Hitting my g-spot perfectly which had me panting, moaning, and screaming all at once. Trying to push through the unease my mind was conjuring up. Struggling to push away the thoughts of someone who wasn’t there.
Our bodies were so wrapped up in each other, tangled together on the white sheets.
He kissed me deep and heady, savoring the new sensation of our skin-on-skin contact. I started to move my hips forward as he thrust in. Our bodies moved in time with one another, getting faster and harder with each second that passed.
I was literally trying to fuck Creed out of my mind.
“Fuck,” he growled, rotating his hips more demandingly.
I was close to losing it...
My mind.
My heart.
My soul.
My orgasm.
It all intertwined, mixing with the pleasure and the pain. The confusion and the sensations. The want and need.
The past and the present.
And then I couldn’t take it anymore.
In one swift motion, I rolled us so I was on top. Needing to be in control of my mind, my heart, and my soul. I couldn’t feel him on top of me any longer.
It hurt too damn much.
“I’m going to come,” I panted against his mouth.
He gripped the back of my neck, pulling me down on him to look deep in my eyes. Kissing me passionately, sending me over the edge. Taking him right along with me. He hid his face in the nook of my neck, kissing my sweaty skin.
Making a single tear roll down the side of my face when I heard him say, “I love you.”
The thought of sleeping for more than a few hours here and there sounded fucking amazing. I couldn’t remember the last time I had shut my eyes for longer than what felt like ten fucking minute intervals. Feeling like I was back in the Army, out on missions. There wasn’t a part of me that didn’t feel like absolute shit.
I pulled out my keys, unlocking the house, and stepping inside. Closing the door behind me. I threw my keys on the table in the foyer, noticing there were a few lights already turned on in the living room, but the house was eerie and silent. I was about to take off my cut when I heard a noise coming from down the main hall. It sounded like muffled voices, followed by some shuffling around.
“The fuck?” I whispered to myself, pulling out my gun from the back of my jeans.
Immediately made my way toward the noise from the other end of the house. Being extra cautious so I wouldn’t be heard, no one was supposed to fucking be here. I rounded the corner with my gun held tightly in my grasp, pointing it directly at the floor as I trod lightly down the long, narrow hallway.
It was better to go into the situation like this undetected. Catch the motherfuckers by surprise. Take them the fuck out before they even knew what hit them. It was my life or theirs, and I had always fucking chosen mine.
Over the last three and a half months, it had been one thing after another since Diesel and I uncovered the truth hidden on the discs we recovered from Pop’s room. He hadn’t said shit about it, so we figured he had yet to figure it out.
As soon as I saw the proof right in front of my goddamn eyes, it was like I had an out of body experience. Shifting through images, documents, the truth that nearly brought me to my fucking knees. I couldn’t believe what the fuck I was seeing, swearing my eyes were playing tricks on me, my mind reeling that it took us this fucking long to put the puzzle together. Still needing to find the last piece that would nail the fucking coffin shut.
I owed Martinez more than I ever imagined owing anyone.
Which was what led us to this place and time. Where there was no more evidence to be found, no more roads to go down—it all would end here. The facts were all laid out in front of us. Some had been staring me in the fucking face for years, and I never put two and two together till recently. Involving a hell of a lot more people than just my old man and me. Face after face after face filled Diesel’s screen. Stopping on one that that made my blood boil to the point of rage.
Hers.
It was only a matter of time until the truth came out, and the devil and saint would descend upon us. He would be coming for me. If my old man didn’t find out first.
I just hoped I could still get to him fucking first.
The next few minutes of my life went down in slow fucking motion, the closer I got to the room where the door was slightly ajar.
More truths.
More facts.
No more fucking lies.
I was suffocating in them. My mind, my sanity, my life—I couldn’t take it anymore. My whole body felt like it was giving out on me. Shutting the fuck down. Game over. There were too many emotions happening all at the same fucking time, and I couldn’t control any of it. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to see, about to feel.
This was the night my life truly fucking ended.
I heard her pant like I was the one touching her.
I heard her moan like I was the one kissing her.
I heard her scream out his name like I was the one fucking her.
Except it wasn’t me. It would never be me again.
I stood frozen in place as I watched Noah on top of Mia, my fucking girl. Kissing her, holding her—making love to her like she was only his and had never truly been mine. With each thrust he pushed inside of her, I realized I still couldn’t see the girl, she could only be heard. I needed to fucking see her to believe it. Holding onto the false hope that maybe this was all him. Or maybe I was mistaken and he was fucking a whore, but I knew Mia’s sounds. Her moans, her screams, all of it had been etched into my mind.
My heart.
My fucking soul.
I was one second away from hauling ass inside of his room, throwing him the fuck off of her. One second away from proving I was right and he was wrong. My foot was mid-air moving forward when I saw her suddenly flip him over to get on top of his cock. Riding the shit out of him, looking deep into his eyes. Kissing him like she once kissed me.
It was like watching a car accident, unable to look away. Wanting to fall to my fucking knees and break down right then and there. Each sway of her hips brought me closer to my own demise. I could have busted in there, I could have beaten my baby brother’s face in before putting a bullet in his fucking skull. The possibilities were endless. Except, I couldn’t move. It was like God had ahold of my ankles, shackling them to the floor, punishing me for all my sins. While the Devil laughed his fucking ass off.
It wasn’t until I heard her moan, “I’m going to come,” that I wanted to take the gun in my hand and aim it directly at my heart. Pulling the fucking trigger, ending my miserable fucking life with one single bullet.
I finally backed away shaking my head, turning around to leave when I heard Noah say, “I love you.” Pulling the goddamn trigger for me.
I went to my room, threw my cut on the bed, and put on a hat and black hoodie. Trying to hide my face and body from anyone who could recognize me. I was still a fucking fugitive, a wanted man on the run with several warrants and rewards out for my arrest. But I didn’t give a fuck anymore. I left the house before I did something I would
regret for the rest of my life.
Walking to the gas station that was a few blocks away, needing the distraction. I paid cash for the biggest bottle of Jack I could find, strongly gripping it in my hand the whole way back to my mom’s house. Taking swig after swig after fucking swig from the bottle. Drowning in the amber liquid, letting it consume my entire being. I went straight to the back porch and sat outside in nothing but darkness. Not ready to face the light which was inside Noah’s room. Pushing away the images of Mia fucking my baby brother, but I couldn’t.
Now my mind was punishing me for every last sin I committed.
Every last life I took.
Playing the sound of Mia’s laughter all around me like a goddamn broken record. Seeing her beautiful face smiling at me. Wishing she was there with me and not in my brother’s arms. I had lost her, after everything...
I had still fucking lost her.
I took another swig, welcoming the burn of the fiery liquid with fucking delight. I wanted to forget. I wanted to pretend like the last hour didn’t fucking happen. Sitting out in the dark under the full moon. Letting the momentary solace it provided me take over.
I didn’t want to feel anything.
I didn’t want to remember anything.
I didn’t want anything anymore.
But peace.
Knowing I never had any to begin with.
I don’t know how much time went by when my phone rang, breaking me out of my trance-like state of emptiness. “Yeah?” I answered.
“You ready for this?” Diesel questioned on the other end.
“As ready as I’ll ever fuckin’ be.”
“You gonna tell your ma everythin’?”
“Ain’t sure yet. Gotta few days to figure it out.” I took another swig, smacking my lips as it went down. “She don’t even know I’m here. No one does.”
The only reason I showed up on her doorstep was to let her in on the truth. She had a right to know. Explain to her what was about to go down and what I was going to do with the evidence I found. Not because I needed her blessing.