My hand flies up and I slap him. “You asshole.” Suddenly everything makes sense. Why he hated me with Nate so much, but didn’t mind the other boys. Why he didn’t date much and let people assume we’d be together one day. Why he always, always kept me in the wings, because if he tried to help me with Nate last night, or didn’t care if I was with Nate, I couldn’t be here for him.
He’s always wanted me as his cover. To use me to pretend he’s straight. To live a lie. Nate threatened that. I feel used and cheated by the one person I never thought would hurt me.
“Charlie…I love you,” he says again. “I want to make you happy. I’d forget all about Brand and we could…ya know…”
No tears are left to cry. Nothing I can do to change anything. There isn’t doubt in my mind that Alec loves me. I don’t believe he tried to hurt me, but that doesn’t matter because he did nonetheless. “I know you do, Alec. But it’s not enough. Stay away from me. I never want to talk to you again.”
It’s not just Alec and Brandon I’m upset with either. Nate didn’t trust me. If we really knew each other the way we thought, he would have.
This summer took away from me the only boy I’ve ever loved, and my best friend. I’ve always depended on having Alec there…then Nate came and I wanted to always be with him. It’s time I leave that in that past, and only count on myself. I walk away knowing nothing will ever be the same.
The next few months are hard. Alec and I aren’t talking. I miss my friend. Nate is never far from my mind and my heart aches for him…but I keep busy. I apply for schools I’ll probably never go to because it helps to pretend and feels good to do something because I want it. Dad asks about Alec, and I won’t say more than we had a fight. No matter how hurt I am, I’ll never tell his secrets. Danielle and I get close and I date a couple boys and try not to compare them to Nate. In December, Dad meets Nancy. In February I ask Alec to the Valentines dance, because I can’t stop talking to him forever. We have too much of a past for that. He knows I’ll never play his game, but no matter what, we’ll always be best friends. I can’t imagine how it feels to be willing to do anything to keep a secret. Alec has enough on his mind, and I can’t abandon him. Some days I’m happy, some I’m sad, but I’m always wishing and hoping for my future—for my stars. Everything changes on a rainy afternoon when Dad tells me we need to talk…
“You and Marisol broke up, huh?” Brandon asks me as we head toward Columbia University. Brandon’s back early from Ohio. We took the train to the city and we’re on our way to meet Dad for lunch.
“Yeah… What’s the point? It’s not like the long distance thing would work.” I didn’t want to try and make it work. Neither did she, so it wasn’t a big deal.
“That’s a shame. She’s hot. Especially when she speaks Spanish,” my brother teases.
“How are you ending your freshman year in college and you’re still a douchebag? You never even met her.”
Brandon nudges me. “I didn’t need to meet her. Pictures and her voice were enough.” He winks.
“Fucker,” I call him. “You talk about girls enough, but I never see you with one anymore. We’re going to have to work on your game, man.”
“There’s more important shit than girls.”
When I look at Brandon, I see he’s staring in the opposite direction. “Yeah, football. How could we forget? Nothing can ever be as important as football.”
A woman walks right between us like we aren’t even there. Brandon drops the conversation and says, “I can’t believe you’re staying even closer to home than I did.”
“Columbia’s awesome for architecture,” is what comes out of my mouth, when really I just want tell him, me too. My mind tries to wander back to plans I had with Charlotte that we both should have known would never happen. It’s easier to slam the door now.
We’re quite for a few seconds as we make our way down the street. Brandon’s the one who speaks first, “It’s kind of crazy isn’t it?”
“Not a magic eight ball. Can’t read your mind.”
“That doesn’t even make sense,” he tells me, but then adds, “Being in New York for the summer. I mean, it’s not that I care, because there’s a whole hell of a lot more to do here, but it’s just…”
“Crazy,” I finish for him. It sucks that he brought it up, but it’s true. Not that I really would have expected Brandon to say it. Yeah, he had fun at The Village, but that second year, he was pissed he had to go. The third, it was just for something to do. He never looked forward to it the way I did. Probably because he wasn’t a dumbass kid who thought he was in love with some summer girl.
Brandon’s quiet again and I wonder what the hell is going on. It’s usually hard to shut him up. You can always tell when he’s freaked out about something because he’s not blabbing about stuff.
I’m about to ask him what’s up when he asks, “Do you ever…you know, talk to her or anything? I ask because I know how you guys were so I didn’t know if you made up or whatever.”
My skin suddenly feels too tight. My mind flashes back to seeing her kissing Alec that night. Fuck, I thought I was over all this. It’s been nine months. “Nope. We don’t talk.”
“Oh… That sucks.” His voice sounds weird. Soft or something. “I’m sorry, man.”
Brandon stops walking, so I do, too. “What are you sorry for? It’s not your fault I was an idiot and thought she wasn’t really into Alec. They have their history or whatever. Nothing we can do about that.”
It probably makes me even more pathetic because that doesn’t really feel right. I know her and get her and can’t imagine her really wanting to be with him. But then she had her chance and no matter what the reason, she chose him when she kissed him that night. Chose to keep quiet about whatever Alec wanted her to and that says a whole hell of a lot. How could I trust her after that?
“Nate…do you love her?”
Brandon’s question socks me in the gut. Do I love Charlotte? I thought I did. Or is it I think I do? How the hell do you really know the answer that question? I know there has never been anyone like her. She made me see things and feel things no one else ever did. Something ripped me open when I saw her kissing Alec. Like she yanked out all my insides and I still feel the aftershocks from it. If he would’ve asked me that last summer, I never would have hesitated. I actually fucking talked to my dad about her and all I got was you're young and at that age, blah, blah.
But I felt her in my bones, saw her when I closed my eyes, and would have done anything to be with her. If that’s not love, what is?
I don’t say any of that to my brother though. Brandon’s always busting my balls about something and even though I bust his right back I don’t want to go there when it comes to Charlotte.
“Because if you did…well…”
“It’s over man. I’m starting college in a few months. Charlotte’s in the past.”
I feel like the world’s biggest liar. And when I look at Brandon, for the first time I wonder if he sees more than he lets on, because he looks all expectant. Apparently I’m not only a liar, but also a shitty one at that.
Later that night, I’m in my room at home, lying on my bed when my phone beeps with an email. I pick it up, hit the blue square and see her name pop up. Charlotte Gates. I want to rush to open it and delete it at the same time.
It’s the first time she’s contacted me since everything went down last year and she happens to do it on the same day my brother started asking questions about her, digging everything up and making her fight her way to the front of my thoughts again.
I click it to open because there’s no way I can’t. After all this time, I’m curious what she has to say to me.
Nate,
Hey…Hope you’re well. I won’t keep you long because, well, you know, but I just wanted to tell you I’m in New York for two weeks. I thought you’d be proud. Or maybe not, but I want to think you would be. It’s crazy being here and knowing you’re in the same state. I’m in your
territory now, not that we ever saw it that way. But yeah, I wanted you to know…and wanted to tell you again that I’m sorry everything went down the way it did…but I stand by what I said that night, it wasn’t what you thought. I didn’t do anything wrong.
I miss you. Hope it’s okay that I said that.
Charlotte
The rest of the day, all I can think about is Charlotte. It pisses me off and I want her out of my mind, but she’s there and I can’t stop running a million questions through my head. Why is she here? How are things at The Village? Is her dad okay? Is she reaching for her stars? Is she with Alec?
That’s when I get even more pissed and tell myself it doesn’t matter if she’s here. An hour away from me.
About ten PM, our parents go to bed and Brandon and I head downstairs to the game room. I beat him in a couple games of pool, the whole time wondering if I should tell him about Charlotte. It’s ridiculous that I get so tied up like this. What I should do is call Marisol. Hit a party with my brother. There are a million different girls out there; too many to let only one of them take up so much space inside me.
I don’t do any of that.
Around three a.m. I pick up my cell and start a new text, with one simple word.
Meet?
Her answer is just easy.
Yes.
Too bad things have never been that simple for us.
It’s time to get some answers.
Mom is sitting on the couch when I come down the next day. She’s still in her pajamas and eating from a bag of chips. She gives me a guilty smile when I see her. “They're only chips, Mom. You don’t have to look like it’s the end of the world.”
“I thought you were your father,” she says, like he would have thought it was a big deal either.
“How ya feeling?” I ask her. Some parents have a mid-life crisis when their kids are both at college and decide to move to Hawaii or something like that. First my started working to get close to Brandon and I—which is cool. Then they decided to have another baby. It’s not like I know much about being pregnant, but apparently it’s harder on you in your forties than when you’re younger. She’s already on light bed rest, which is part of the reason they didn’t try to get us to go back to Lakeland Village this year.
“I’m doing great. What about you? Where are you headed off to so early?”
“I’m going downtown. I’m not sure what time I’ll be back.” I’m definitely not in the mood to answer questions about Charlotte so there’s no way I’m saying who I’m meeting.
“Okay. Be careful. Have a good day. I think I’ll finish my chips and then take a nap.”
It’s a little wild seeing Mom like this. She’s always been one of those girls who thinks she has to look perfect all the time. Even if she’s in the garden or at The Village she always looks perfect. I think that’s part of what intrigued me about Charlotte. She was so different than what I was used to.
“See ya later,” I say before walking out.
It’s a long ass ride to the city, but I’ve done it a million times. I pull out my iPod and listen to music, wondering what the hell I’m doing.
It’s a couple block walk once I get off the train. As soon as I round the corner on 52nd Street, I see her. She’s already standing in front of the coffee shop that Mom goes to. I didn’t know where else to tell her to meet me and now I don’t know why I’m thinking about stupid things that don’t matter like why I picked the coffee shop.
Her hair is shorter. It’s up to her shoulders and I wonder when she cut it. She’s wearing jeans and I realize that as long as I’ve known her, I’ve never seen her wear pants. What does she look like in the winter? It’s crazy just seeing her not surrounded by her lake.
When I look at her from this far away, all our summers slam into me and it’s almost like from this distance, just looking at her, I can almost forget all the bad shit that happened.
For the first time, I think I want to, but then that last night body slams its way in and I remember how many more of her moments that Alec has than me and I wonder what’s the point? We were young, stupid kids and we tried to make something work that never would have.
I’m about to turn around and walk away, but of course that’s the second Charlotte turns around. The crowd doesn’t matter. There aren’t hundreds of other people around us like there always are in New York. Her eyes land right on me.
This would be way, way easier if she wasn’t so beautiful. I almost forgot how she goes right to my head with just one look. It’s always been like that, even from the first glance in front of the cabin when I didn’t understand what it was.
Charlotte lifts her hand and gives me a small, nervous wave. There have been so many people who’ve come and gone in my life. We’ve never seen each other for long periods of time or really known each other beyond our summers, but every time I see her, even when we were confused or I was depressed or whatever, things always feel a little better when I look at her. No matter the time that’s passed or how one of us might have changed we always still knew each other. I could look at her and see through her to the bits and pieces of her I knew so well, but standing here now, for the first time, I feel like I don’t know Charlotte anymore.
And it really fucking sucks. Which then makes me pissed at myself because she kissed Alec. She let me walk away and she never even told me why.
I’ve never been a pussy before, and I refuse to let myself be one now. I shove my hands in the pockets of my shorts and walk toward her. “Hey.” I nod my head at her and then feel like a douchebag.
“Hey…thanks for meeting me.”
“No problem. Let’s go get a drink.” I open the door for her and she walks in. It’s crazy and stupid, but I could swear she smells like The Village; all open air and trees and water.
I try to buy her drink, but she doesn’t let me. It probably shouldn’t bother me, but it does. If it were Alec, would he be buying one for her?
Charlotte and I head back outside and we’re lucky a table opens up. It’s close to the building and toward the end, which means we’ll get about as much privacy as possible out here. Which isn’t much.
“You’re taller,” she blurts out and then her cheeks go a little pink. “I mean, I think you are. Maybe you’re not, but you look like it.”
“Your hair’s shorter.”
She touches it, making me remember when I used to do that. How she’d shiver and I wondered if she could feel it deep inside her the way I could.
“Yeah. I cut it a couple months ago.”
I think maybe I should tell her it looks good, but I don’t let myself. Just like I don’t tell her it’s good to see her outside The Village. Or ask her how she likes it. Or tell her I’m proud of her. All I ask is, “What are you doing here, Charlotte?”
Disappointment creases her brow, before she says, “It’s kind of a long story. So much has happened, Nate. I want to tell you all about it, but I don’t know if you want to hear and—”
“—Is your dad okay?” I cut her off. Yeah I’m pissed, but I would feel like a prick if something happened to her dad and I never knew. Wasn’t there for her.
“Yeah. He’s fine. As fine as he can be. He’s hanging in there. The MS seems to have slowed down a little which is good. He met someone.”
“Wow.” I never expected him to. He seemed like not much mattered except his family and The Village.
“He says it isn’t serious, but of course it is. She’s at The Village all the time. She helps out there, too. She’s a nurse and works three days a week. If she’s not a work she’s at The Village.”
I can’t help but wonder if that’s why she’s here. If her dad has help now and she’s coming for school or vacation or what. But then…I know she wanted California, so if she’s going to school, I’m sure it isn’t out here.
“That’s cool.”
We’re both quiet and it’s the kind of silence I hate. It’s not like I’m real chatty. Marisol could get like that sometimes
and it drove me crazy. This silence is strangling and awkward. “What are you doing here?” I ask again.
She seems distracted, watching people as they walk by.
“Is there somewhere else we can go to talk?”
I almost say yes, but I feel like she’s stalling. “Here’s as good as any place.”
Charlotte flinches, making me hate myself a little. I don’t want to be the guy to make her feel that way.
“School…I’m going to Vassar in Poughkeepsie this fall. Alec and I are out here for two weeks getting to know the city a little bit.”
Aaaand, now I’m pissed. She’s here with Alec, but she called me. That’s not even the worst of the thoughts injecting anger into my veins. A familiar ache in my chest develops that I haven’t felt since last year. She left The Village for him. She’s going away to college with him. Maybe it makes me a selfish bastard to think that way. Her dad needed her and I always understood that, but I still wanted her with me too.
But now she’s here, in my city, with him.
“Bet your dad loves that. I’m sure he’s cool with you leaving for school since you’re with his golden boy, right? Have a good visit.” I push to my feet, but she grabs my wrist before I can get too far.
“I’m not with Alec. I swear. I never have been. He’s my best friend and that’s all, Nate.”
“Then why can’t you tell me what happened that night? If you’re not with him tell me why, Charlotte. I deserve that much.” She flinches again, but doesn’t reply. “That’s what I thought.”
Her grip loosens and I start working my way through the tables and people. I don’t know how I know it, but she’s behind me. She always gave in when it came to her future, but that’s about the only thing.
“Nate,” she calls, but I keep going. “Nate!”
I turn a corner and I’m slowing down. Damn, I’m an idiot, because even though I’m pissed I can’t make myself just walk away from her.