If Sean was worried, we all should be. The old familiar dread started to rise inside of me. It wasn’t until this very moment I realized how complacent I’d become, allowing myself to fully immerse in my life here.
“We need everyone to be on their guard, watching for anything suspicious,” Milly added.
Portia flashed a worried glance at me, and I took her hand.
“It’s all right, baby. I’m okay,” I whispered softly into her head, hoping to reassure her. “Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.” Even if I wanted to run, which I didn’t, there was no way I could leave her behind. She was my family—my life. My binding vows to her were as sacred to me as any marriage vow I would ever take. I belonged only to her.
Her grip tightened on mine. “Please be careful,” she replied.
We spent the rest of the evening chanting several protection spells over the whole group before releasing the circle to head home, but I still found it difficult to release the sick pit of nervousness gathering in my stomach. Unease continued to pour through me.
I caught Marsha outside. “Aunt Marsha, I’m going to spend the night at Portia’s house tonight. I don’t want to leave her alone.”
Marsha simply laughed. “So how’s that different from any other night of the week?”
“You knew?” I was completely surprised. “You never said anything.”
“I knew,” she replied, smiling. “It’s my job to keep an eye on you. Don’t you think it would look bad if I didn’t know where you were?”
Feeling like an idiot, I apologized. She was my guardian and deserved more respect from me. “I’m sorry. I should’ve confided in you sooner about this.”
“It’s okay. I remember what being young and in love felt like. Go on, but please be safe.” She leaned in and gave me quick kiss on the cheek. I knew exactly what she meant when she told me to be safe, and it had nothing to do with my father. There were some things I was never going to talk with her about, though, and sex was one of them. I drew the line at that creepy prospect.
Several minutes later, I was lying with Portia on her bed, marveling at the fact that our parents knew we were here, together. There was no doubt in my mind that leniency was being made because Milly had gone to bat for Portia and me with her parents after our binding spell. This showed an incredible amount of trust toward me, and honestly, it made me a bit nervous because I was really struggling with containing myself these days.
“Why do you always do that?” Portia asked as I tucked the blanket around her.
“Do what?”
“Sleep with the blankets in between us. It’s like you’re afraid to be next to me.” There was a slight hurt tone in her voice.
“You know why. I’m protecting your virtue,” I said, sighing. She must really have no clue about what she does to me.
“My virtue?”
I chuckled softly. Time to dish out the truth. “I guess I’m protecting mine too.”
She pursed her lips for a second before she spoke. “You know, there are an awful lot of stories about you and all the girls you’ve deflowered floating around the school.” She watched me carefully.
“And that’s exactly what they are, stories,” I replied, rubbing my face under her chin to catch a whiff of her sweet smelling perfume.
Unfortunately, it didn’t distract her for long. “So, you’re saying you’ve never been with a girl, like that, before?”
“That’s what I’m saying.” I hoped she wouldn’t think me less manly because of it. Most of the guys I knew, who were my age, were sexually active. Some weren’t, but Brad was the only one I knew who was choosing not to do it, yet. If the media was to be believed, it was practically unheard of for a guy my age to not be having sex.
“Doesn’t it bother you that people think things about you that aren’t true?”
I shrugged. “Why should I care? I know who I am. That’s all that matters.” I had my reasons for choosing to live as I did. I couldn’t care less what other people thought about me.
“Well, I’m sure people are thinking the same thing about the two of us.”
“Let them think it.” Sitting a little higher, I stared at her. “Does it bother you?” I might not be bothered by the opinion of others, but I definitely didn’t want her to suffer because of it.
“No.” She paused for a moment, and I could sense her hesitation. “I wish it were true, sometimes.”
Sighing, I closed my eyes, battling for control. If she removed the barriers between us, I was sure I’d fail. Opening my eyes, I stared, drinking in the sight of her.
“You’ve got to know I want you more than anything in this world, Portia. Emotionally, physically, magically, mentally, I want it all—to possess every inch of your being.”
Reaching out, I ran my fingertips across her face, stroking down the side of it. Touching her was exactly the wrong thing to do, because it only served to finish igniting the process inside me. Desire washed through me, and I was lost. I didn’t care anymore; my great resolve was gone. I simply needed to kiss her.
She dragged me closer, opening her mouth and I took complete advantage, dipping my tongue inside to meet hers. Wrapping her tightly against me, my hand drifted to grab her hair, pressing her even closer. Her emotions flooded through me, a lethal cocktail of love, lust, and desire that matched my own. We were dangerous—explosive—a nuclear reaction waiting to happen.
Our tangling together pushed the quilt out of the way, and I slid my body over her slight frame, groaning as she wrapped her legs around my waist. Her hand slid under my shirt, running up and down my back.
Trailing away from her mouth, I kissed her neck, pausing to nip her skin in various places as I moved lower. Reaching her collarbone, I ran my tongue along the sensitive spot I knew she had there, and she released a moan, her body arching against me.
Sucking in a tortured breath, I pulled away. “No,” I said, apparently not too convincing because she dragged me back to her mouth.
Our lips and tongues met once more, and I knew it was now or never. If I didn’t stop this, there would be no stopping. Pulling her hands away from me, I pinned them to the bed beside her head, trying to catch my breath. She bucked beneath me, and I thought I was going to come apart right then and there.
“Portia! Stop!” Falling to my side, I got up and went to the window, needing to remove myself completely.
She sat up, leaning on her elbows as she stared at me.
“What’s the matter?” she asked, her gaze traveling across me, longingly.
“Don’t look at me like that.” Hating that I sounded so gruff with her, I turned and opened the window, leaning out, attempting to catch my breath and cool down some.
I could hear her moving around, but still flinched when she placed her hand on my shoulder. “Don’t touch me,” I snapped, immediately feeling the hurt course through her. Tremors rippled through me. She honestly was completely oblivious to what she was causing me to experience.
“Portia, I love you more than anything in the world, but if you know what’s best for you, I suggest you get back into the bed and cover yourself.”
She didn’t move, her stare boring into my back.
“Now!” I added, gritting my teeth as every muscle in my body clenched, wanting to grab her and drag her to the bed with me. I didn’t care if her parents were in the same house with us. I wanted her.
This time she did as I asked, but remained silent, waiting while I continued to stare at the night sky, trying desperately to regain my composure. Several minutes ticked by before I finally felt calm enough to turn and face her again, finding her holding her cat and watching me closely. I didn’t dare go to her, even though I wanted to.
Leaning against the sill, I folded my arms. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lose control like that.”
“I’m sorrier, then. I wanted to lose control like that.” She locked her eyes on mine. “I’m even more sorry you stopped.”
“Portia, I’d like noth
ing better than to give you what you want. You don’t understand.” Shaking my head, a tormented sounding laugh escaped me.
“Then enlighten me, please.” She didn’t sound happy at all.
Memories of Amber crept into my head, bringing all the guilt they held with them. Inadequacy overwhelmed me. What the hell was I doing here? Wasn’t this exactly what I swore I’d avoid? My thoughts ate at me while I clenched my jaw. I need to tell her.
“The reason’s two-fold,” I began, maintaining eye contact with her. “The first one being I just pledged myself to you in a binding ceremony where I promised to keep you pure and never lure you into evil.”
“You think making love to me would be evil?” Her jaw was slack, her face a mask of disbelief.
Already I was making a mess of things. “No. Never.” Leaving the window, I sat on the edge of the bed and took her by the hands. “I want to do it right.” I sighed, hoping she’d be receptive to what I was about to tell her. “I want to share something with you, okay?”
She nodded hesitantly, her eyes filling with trepidation.
“When I was on the run, I never knew from one moment to the next if I was going to be in the same place at the same time the next day. I never had time to cultivate real relationships with the people I met. But there was one time when we’d been able to stay put for a few months, and I started making some friends. I even had a steady girlfriend.”
Portia’s mouth flattened and I experienced her flare of jealousy before she calmed.
“One night we were at a bonfire party on the beach. This girl and I, we snuck off together into the dark. We made out with each other in the sand, for what seemed like hours, until my body was so on fire I thought I wouldn’t be able to control myself a minute longer. I decided right then I was going to sleep with her. She was more than willing, and so was I.”
Portia’s eyes grew moist and I glanced past her head toward a picture on the wall, hating that what I was saying hurt her.
“It was at that moment my phone rang,” I continued. “I don’t even know what made me stop to answer it, but it was Marsha telling me my dad had found us again.” The sickening feeling I had that night enveloped me again. “I got off the girl and ran, never even looking back at her, once. I hopped on my motorcycle and followed the escape plan Marsha and I set up precisely for such an occasion.”
Dragging a hand through my hair, I leaned forward, resting my elbows against my knees. “Marsha and I didn’t stop until the next night. And when I collapsed onto my bed in the hotel, I finally let myself think about what nearly happened. I was horrified.”
I stared back at her.
“Do you realize if Marsha had called a few minutes later it would’ve been too late? I would’ve already been physically intimate with that girl and then ran, never to see her, again.
“I didn’t have any protection with me. I could’ve gotten her pregnant and left her alone with a child, to deal with the circumstances all by herself. And I could’ve ended up with a child I knew nothing about. Could you imagine if that had happened? My kid would’ve been raised without me, magical blood flowing through its veins with a mom who doesn’t have a clue about our kind. It would be a disaster waiting to happen.”
“But it didn’t happen, Vance.” I knew she was trying to comfort me, but it didn’t. “Everything turned out okay.”
“No, Portia. It’s not okay,” I replied, needing to make her understand. “I abused that girl when I ran without saying one word. I left her in the heat of passion wondering what she did wrong. I didn’t stop when I heard her calling after me. I didn’t give any explanation. I left. I just disappeared.
“I made up my mind right then I wasn’t going to have sex until I was married. If I was married to someone, then it meant I’d be able to be in a real relationship with someone I really loved, not some poor one-night stand who happened to be an unfortunate victim of my circumstances.
“This is precisely why it’s so hard for me to be with you. You’re the person I want to have all that with. I realize now, everything I’ve ever felt about anybody else in my past was the result of meaningless hormones coursing through my adolescent male brain.
“It’s different with you, though. I love you, and I want to be with you because I love you. But I’m still in the same turmoil. Even now, my dad is threatening me, and I have to start worrying about the safety of everyone around me.”
Her hand drifted over to stroke my arm in a comforting gesture.
“I don’t want to put you in any kind of position that could leave you in a bad place. And I don’t want to have some cheap fling with you, either. I want to give you your first time at the right time, and I want it to be crazy special—not because we lost control for a moment. Call me old-fashioned if you want, but I can’t think of a better time to celebrate the joining of our bodies than after the legal joining of our hearts. It’s the most intimate gift I can give you.”
Staring deeply at her, I prayed she would understand where I was coming from. She tugged me toward her and embraced me, gently.
“Thank you, Vance, for sharing this with me. I do understand better now that you’re explaining it.”
Relief flooded through me and I returned her hug, but only briefly as the sparks between us were still firing.
“You said the reason was two-fold,” she reminded, releasing me.
I sighed and stood, pacing the room with nervous energy. “I’m not a good person, Portia. I’m naturally drawn toward doing things that aren’t good for me. My connection with dark magic and its elements has never been completely removed, and it’s an attraction I fight every minute to overcome. I think having a physical relationship with you, outside of marriage, is something I’m drawn to because it’s considered a taboo thing to do. There’s always this part of me that wants to do everything rough and wild. I want to be completely out of control, throwing all caution to the wind.” Turning to look at her, I let the full heat of my emotions for her come to the surface.
“I want this physical relationship with you, badly—to the point I feel consumed by it at times. But I worry if I were to give into it, bypassing the goal I’ve set for myself, it would start me down a path I’ve been trying very hard to avoid. And trust me, Portia, when I tell you . . . once I cross this line with you, there’ll be no going back for me. I won’t be able to stop.”
It would never be a one-time thing for me with her. Everything pointed to the fact that we’d be as explosive physically as we were with everything else. “I can’t get past the fact that I’m the terrible one in this relationship. It’s me who could destroy everything—everything I really love, and everything you love too. I’d never be able to forgive myself.” Moving beside her, I ran my finger through her hair.
“That’s exactly why I believe in you,” she replied. “You love us, and I think you’ll honor your vows because of that.”
“I hope you’re right.” Needing to put some distance between us, I walked away to sit on the end of the bed, but she crawled up behind me, wrapping her arms around me tightly.
“What you did tonight was proof. You stopped something you didn’t want to stop, and that takes a lot of control, Vance. Give yourself credit where credit is due.”
Leaning my head against her, I caressed her arm. “Thanks for understanding. It’s so hard for me to stay away from you. You honestly have no idea what I’ve gone through.”
“I’ll try to be more helpful from now on too,” she promised.
“Let’s get some sleep,” I said, abruptly calling it a night before we got dragged into the same circumstances. I went and pulled the blankets back. “Come get under the covers, my sexy vixen, so I can tuck you in properly.”
Giving me a small smile, she did as I asked. This time, I tucked her in and placed a pillow in between us as well. She raised her eyebrow at me, but I did allow myself the enjoyment of touching her. I needed that.
“Sorry, but I think hand-holding will be more appropriate for th
e rest of the night.” I smiled and winked.
Jinx joined us, settling on the pillow between us, giving one more layer to the safety barrier. Portia laughed, adjusting her position so she could face me. She closed her eyes while I ran my thumb across her hand repeatedly. I loved watching her fall asleep, feeling so lucky to have her as part of my life. Even though I knew she was nearly gone, I whispered my confession into her mind.
“I almost didn’t stop, Portia. I wanted it all.”
Chapter Sixteen
Journal entry:
I understand why Portia’s doing what she’s doing, and I really appreciate the constant effort of trying to make things easier on me, but I find myself going crazy. I’m not a piece of glass that will break if she doesn’t “handle” me exactly right. I think I’m going to have a little talk with her. I need her to kiss me like she means it again!
She’s honestly trying to help, but she’s going to the extreme. I almost choked over the clothes she wore to school today. Turtleneck sweater, sleeves to her wrists, linen dress pants. If she had worn gloves and a ski mask every inch of her would’ve been covered. Sadly, I spent most of the day imagining myself peeling her out of all those clothes, and redressing her in different outfits in my head, until I realized my restyling had her romping about nearly naked in my imagination. This was not a good thing to have to take care of in the locker room under yet another cold shower.
***
Staring at the ceiling, I stretched out on Portia’s comforter, waiting for her to finish getting ready for bed. It wasn’t long before the bathroom door opened and she emerged. Under any other circumstances, I probably would’ve laughed at her comical appearance. She was wearing thick flannel bunny pajamas that were clearly a size too big, complete with matching bunny slippers. Her hair had been pulled into a very messy bun on the top of her head, and she’d washed off all her makeup.