“Hey, Leo,” I say overly-cheerful. “How was your day?”
“It was fine, thanks,” he answers with a forced smile.
I’m not sure if Travis can pick up on the tension or not, but fortunately, he jumps in and starts talking to Leo about some motorcycle he’s interested in buying. They continue to talk while I finish preparing the food, my mind wondering what’s being served for dinner at a certain brownstone in Park Slope.
Dinner passes uneventfully; Travis carries most of the conversation as he catches us up on what’s being going on with him since he obviously has much more of a social life than either Leo or me. After we put all of the dishes in the sink, Travis grabs the satchel that he brought with him and pulls out a notepad.
“Alright, I’ve got the information you requested. I’m not sure what kind of scoop you’re looking for, but either way, I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news,” he explains. “First, there’s this Michael James guy. He’s the crisis coordinator, and he’s obviously learned a thing or two from the dumb asses he’s had to cover for, because he’s squeaky clean. From everything I could tell, he goes to work and then straight home most days; and if he happens to leave the house in the evenings or on the weekends, he has his entire family in tow. He goes to church, coaches his son’s baseball team… you get the picture.”
“Yeah, he’s not what I’m looking for. So tell me about the other one,” I say disappointed.
Sniggering, he turns the page on the pad. “Mr. Jeffrey Lancaster is the polar opposite of the first guy. He’s thirty-three, been divorced twice, and just recently got engaged again. This last woman was an entertainer that he got pregnant,” he pauses, shakes his head, and looks up at me and then over at Leo. “The guy screams sleaze-ball just by looking at him, but I also found out some other pretty interesting information from one of my associates. He belongs to an extremely private, underground sex club called Sequestered. The place charges fifteen thousand dollars just for an initial membership fee and then has monthly dues of two thousand dollars. From what I’ve been told it caters to all sexual appetites. Some people just use it as a place to hook up with other rich people, but most members are rather deviant in their tastes. Now, my contact couldn’t be one hundred percent, but when I showed her his picture, she thinks he’s a switch, which means some nights he’s a Dominant and other nights he’s a submissive.”
The entire time he’s rattling off the details my mind is kicked into high gear. There are all sorts of possibilities with this situation; I need to get in that club.
“Perfect!” I cry out. “Trav, you’ve gotta get me in there. I’ll pay whatever.”
“I’m not so sure this is a good idea,” Leo cuts in.
Swinging my head around at him, I look at him like he’s gone crazy. “Why, in the hell, not? This couldn’t be any better.”
“It’s not safe for you to go in there alone, Kat. I know you think you can handle yourself, but you’ve never been in a place like this,” he argues. “And not to mention, I’m sure they’re not going to let you walk around with a camera in a secretive place like that.”
“I can figure something out there as long as Travis can get me in.”
Travis pipes up with a smug smile. “I had a good feeling you were going to want that, so I’ve already worked something out, but there’s a small issue.”
“Okay…” I prod.
“The first time she can get you in is at Night of Serendipity, which is their semi-annual new member meet-and-greet sort of thing. These are the only two times a year that people can join, so this way no one will question your being there. In addition, all members are required to attend, so it also guarantees he will be there as well.”
“When is it?” I ask anxiously.
“The last weekend in May.”
“What?” I squeak. “That’s like six or seven weeks from now.”
Groaning, he runs his hands through his hair. “I knew that wouldn’t make you very happy, little miss impatient, but it’s the best I can do — and it’s a sure thing.”
I sit silent for a few minutes, processing everything he just said. It truly is a flawless set-up; the guy will be in prime form, served to me on a silver platter. And maybe waiting a little time in between each revelation will be better so that the incidents aren’t linked to the same temptress. It also gives Trav’s source more time to watch Mr. Lancaster and to find out additional information about his activities and preferences at the club.
“Okay, I’m in,” I announce. “Can your girl continue to watch him and let us know more about his inclinations at the club? I’ll make it worth her while.”
Travis nods, but Leo remains silent. “It’ll cost you ten thousand for entry and for her recon services up until the event. She’ll provide me with weekly reports, as well as get me all the information of what you’ll need to know and what will be expected of you that night.”
“Can I get in, too?” Leo asks him. “I would feel better if I was at least inside with her, in case something happens.”
I want to tell him that it’s not necessary, that I can handle myself, but I know that he’s right. Leo’s main concern has always been about my safety and well-being; he won’t let anything happen to me.
“It shouldn’t be a problem; however, it may cost a little bit more money.”
“I’ll pay whatever. I want Leo in with me,” I answer quickly. The slight smile that plays at Leo’s mouth doesn’t go unnoticed, and it makes me feel better. “In addition,” I continue, “we’ll both be using an alias so find out what kind of identification we’ll need to show that night, so I can make sure we have those.”
After we iron out all of the details, the conversation turns to us reliving memories from when Travis and I were in college together. The two of us kept poor Leo busy during those few years as we were always managing to get in some kind of trouble around the city. Thankfully, he saved our asses time and time again.
I get up to pour us all another glass of wine and look over at the two of them together. Despite the fact that Travis has moved on from us, I’m thankful that after everything we’ve been through, it’s like old times when we get together. Well, like old times minus the sex. For a period of about six months during my sophomore year, the three of us slept together on a pretty regular basis. I’m pretty sure I am the only female Travis has ever had sex with, and I’m positive he’s the only guy Leo has ever been with. The two of us were young and curious, not to mention we drank way too much and did too many drugs, while Leo basically just did whatever I wanted him to. Once Travis got into a serious relationship with another guy, he no longer joined us, but Leo and I were lovers until I graduated from college, until the night he turned me down. After that, we’ve continued to mess around sexually but I refused to have actual intercourse with him, and I’ve refrained from it with anyone else for the last two years — up until this past weekend.
The night grows late, and after we polish off the third bottle of wine, the guys both leave. It’s a little weird saying goodbye to Leo in that manner, a quick kiss on the cheek at the door, but I suppose I’ll get used to it. Tomorrow, I’ll call him so that we can talk about everything that’s been going on and my plans for the future — in all aspects of my life.
Falling into my bed, once I’ve stripped out of my clothes, I grab my phone to see that I’ve missed several text messages reminding me that someone is thinking of his devil woman.
The following afternoon, I text Leo and ask him to come over so that we can talk. Feeling a strain in our relationship is eating at me; I just want us to get everything out. He’s at my apartment less than thirty minutes later and I greet him with a big hug.
“Thanks for coming so quickly,” I say once we release each other and are walking into the kitchen. “Can I get you something to drink?”
“I’ll have whatever you’re having,” he replies, sitting down at the dining room table.
I grab us each a beer and join him, nervous about how to start
the conversation.
“Leo, we need to talk about what’s going on,” I begin. “I know you aren’t happy with me right now…”
“It’s not that I’m unhappy with you,” he interrupts. “I’m worried about you, and I’m not sure you know what you’re doing.”
He stops talking and looks at me, waiting for a response. “Go ahead. Tell me what you see happening.”
“For the last two years you’ve been focused on this plan to get revenge on your dad. You’ve basically been living a double life — the schoolteacher during the day and the seductress at night — and I’ve done everything I can to make sure they stayed separate. You’ve been smart about not getting involved with people because you knew that if you did, it would jeopardize what you’re working towards.” He takes a swig of his beer before continuing. “You finally put this plan into motion, beginning with the Saunders guy, but at the same time you go and get involved with some douche from your day life. I don’t know what this guy knows and what he doesn’t know, but he’s bound to want some answers about who you are.”
“He’s not a douche, his name is Lucca,” I spat.
“I know his name,” he grumbles. “Anyhow, I just don’t understand it. I’m neither stupid nor naive, Katrina. Even though you’ve always said that you would never fall in love and all of that, I knew it was bound to happen. I honestly didn’t think you would risk everything until after this mission of yours is complete.”
Slumping back in my chair, I groan, knowing he’s right. “I didn’t plan on this, Leo. He just kind of appeared in my life. And I don’t know how to explain it… he has this effect on me that makes me do things I would’ve never done before.”
“Look, you can’t help what you feel. Believe me, I of all people know that,” he says with a frustrated sigh. “But I think you need to choose — either abandon the thing with your dad and focus on moving on with your life or break things off with this guy, at least until you’re finished with all of this other stuff. If you continue to try to do both, I promise things are going to get messy and you’re going to end up getting hurt or hurting him. You’ve already let your guard down so much with him. You brought him here for God’s sake! It’s my job to make sure you’re safe and protected, but your behavior these past couple of weeks has made that really fucking hard.”
“I know and I’m sorry. Again, I never planned for this. My intentions were to continue on as I’ve been doing, but this just kinda happened… he just kinda happened.”
“So you tell him that you’ve got some family issues that you really need to focus on, and that you can’t get involved right now. Once everything is resolved, you’d love to give it a go then. If your feelings for each other are real, they should still be there in a few months. I mean, come on, you’ve known each other for like a minute, it’s not like you’re in love with him. Be smart about this.”
Everything he says makes sense. I’ve been acting ridiculous allowing some guy I hardly even know to derail my plan of revenge — revenge that my mom deserves. I know that’s not Lucca’s intentions, but nonetheless, his presence in my life distracts me and makes me act reckless. I realize that I have to let Lucca go before he finds out the truth; thinking I could carry out my plan and walk back into his waiting arms is just a fantasy. Leo’s right. I should’ve never gotten involved with him to begin with, I should’ve never brought him to my home, and I damn sure shouldn’t have let him spank and fuck me. Angry at myself for acting so foolish and irresponsible, I finish my beer and slam the bottle on the table.
“You’re right!” I exclaim incensed. “I’ve had a complete lapse of judgment recently, and I need to regain control of myself. I can’t believe how thoughtless and careless I’ve been. I’m really sorry, Leo.”
Smiling, he leans over and places his hand on top of mine. “Don’t be too hard on yourself. I know you were forced to grow up way too early, but you forget that you’re still young and figuring stuff out. Shit, I’m thirty-one and I’m still learning.”
I nod in agreement, but I know we still have one more thing to talk about. “There’s still something else we need to discuss.”
“Okay, what is it? Are you rethinking the sex club thing?”
“No, not that. Leo, I need to be honest about my feelings for you.” I chew on my lip nervously, not sure exactly how to word this. “You have been in my life since the day I was born. I grew up having the biggest crush on you, and once we became sexually active, I thought we would be together forever. You’ve put up with my experimental phase during college, you’ve watched and helped me seduce guys on a daily basis for the last couple of years, and you’ve never once tried to control or even question my behavior. I know that you’re always here for me, whatever I need, and I’ve taken advantage of that. I never meant to belittle you, but I know I’ve acted selfish and extremely inconsiderate even though you’ve always put me first. I’m sorry for that.”
“No need to apologize. I just told you that I realize you are young and still figuring out what you want in life. I don’t fault you for that,” he says with an understanding expression in his eye.
“Don’t make excuses for me. Ever since Momma’s been gone, I’ve used her death to act however I want, and I know that it’s not right,” I argue. “I do love you, Leo. I’ve always loved you, but we won’t ever be together as a couple. I hope you can understand this, but you know too much about me. Once I take care of him and I feel like vengeance has been served, I want to put these past nine years behind me and I want to forget about the person I’ve been. She wouldn’t want me to be this manipulative bitch that I’ve become — I know that.” I can’t help but start crying as I think about her and knowing that she’d be ashamed of the things I’ve done and the way I’ve treated him.
Getting out of his chair, he comes over and picks me up out of mine, then sits back down cradling me in his lap. “Don’t cry, Katie-bug. It kills me to see you like this,” he whispers, holding me tightly against his body. “Don’t ever worry about me. I love you in a way that I can’t explain, but I’ve known for a long time that I’m not the one for you. I’ve made it my job to take care of you until that one comes along. I’m a big boy and am well aware of what I’m doing, and I won’t abandon you. Just think of me as your nightlight until the day comes when the sun rises again in that fragile little heart of yours.”
Knowing what I need to do, and actually doing it, are two very different things. Letting Lucca go, at least for now, is the best thing for both of us. I need to focus on other aspects of my life, and until I have closure with those, it’s not fair to him for me to continually deceive him or keep him in the dark. I can’t give him all of me, and he deserves more.
Tuesday night when I go to bed, I’m rehearsing exactly what I’m going to say to him, but the minute I see his face Wednesday morning, I know it’s the last thing I want to do. I purposely avoid him throughout the day; however, when the final bell rings that afternoon, he’s in my classroom before I can escape.
“What’s going on, Trina?” he asks demandingly as he walks in.
Looking up at him from my desk, his expression tells me that he senses something’s wrong. “Well, hello to you, too,” I reply.
“Don’t lie to me. I know you’re hiding from me and I want to know why. We spend all weekend together, taking a pretty big step in our relationship I might add, and ever since Monday, you’ve been acting weird. You’ve been ‘busy’ the last two nights so that I couldn’t see you or talk to you, without any explanation of what you’re doing, and then today, you’ve been downright elusive. What did I do wrong?” His tone is more hurt than angry, and I feel awful knowing what I’m about to do.
“I can’t do this, Lucca, especially not here. There are thing about me that you don’t understand — that you can never understand — and quite honestly, I don’t owe you an explanation for what I do. There’s a reason that before you I didn’t make friends with people or go out for happy hour with other teachers, and
it’s not simply because I’m a recluse. It’s better for me if I’m alone, and it’s better for you, too.” It’s taking everything inside of me not to break down, but I’ve got to do this. “You’re a real sweet guy, and I have a great time when we’re together, but I don’t want to hurt you, and I promise you I will if we continue this.”
“I’m a real sweet guy? Are you kidding me?” He runs his fingers through his hair, obviously extremely frustrated. “Do you have any idea how I feel about you, Trina? Everything I’ve told you has been one hundred percent true. I know that you’ve got issues with your past; I don’t know what they are, but it’s nothing I can’t work with. I want to protect you, to take care of you; it’s this feeling that I’ve never had before but it’s like I need to. Do you know that meeting I had with Principal Matthews last week was me asking him, begging him, to keep me on here permanently next year just so that I could be close to you? And it’s not to smother you, control you, or anything else other than the fact I need to be near you.”
No longer able to hold back the tears, his words cut deep inside of me. The pained look draped across his face kills me. I don’t want to end this; I want him to take care of me, but unfortunately, that’s just not the reality of my situation. Standing up abruptly, I grab my purse and look at him one last time.
“I’m really sorry. This isn’t what I want, but it’s what has to be done. I’m not the girl you think I am, and you deserve better than me,” I choke out through my sobs. “Goodbye, Lucca.”
Then without another word, I brush past him, leaving him standing there speechless.
And I disappear.
Life isn’t fair. I wish he would’ve killed me the same day that he took her life. I pay for his actions every damn day, and I’m tired of it — tired of the nightmares, tired of pretending I’m okay, tired of living this fucking life. I finally find someone that makes me forget about all of it, someone who breathes promise into this dark and hopeless heart of mine, and I have to say goodbye to him. Now, I not only want revenge for Momma, but also for Lucca and what might have been.