The new server and computer system installation was flowing smoothly at work, and she'd conducted training for all of the managers. She'd worked out the kinks in the system, and so far, so good. The new system was lightning fast, and she'd linked all of the vital information so Carter could access everything he needed on-the-go on his tablet. It allowed him to be more mobile than in the past, freeing him up to visit all his sites as often as he wanted to. Eventually, he'd even have a little spare time to work in the shop if he wanted.
She'd streamlined his operation, and while there were a lot more things she could do--like work on sales and marketing--he was in much better shape operationally than when she'd started.
Now, she sat on the bed, her shiny new luggage opened as she prepared to pack for Las Vegas.
She'd studied the empty suitcases for about an hour, and couldn't bring herself to put clothes in them, which was kind of a dilemma, because she was due over at Carter's house in a few hours.
She looked up at the knock on her door. Her mom, probably.
"Come in."
She was surprised to see her sister.
"Hey, Emma."
"Can I come in?"
"Sure. What are you doing here?"
"I thought I'd drop by and say goodbye before you left on your trip. I see you're packing." Emma took a seat on the side of the bed.
"Yeah. Or, thinking about packing anyway."
"Do you need some help?"
"No. Not really." She glanced over at all her open drawers, already having made her decision. Now all she had to do was muster up the courage to tell everyone.
Emma looked over at the open drawers as well, then the suitcases before her gaze drifted back to Molly. "You're not going to Vegas with Carter, are you?"
When Molly didn't answer, Emma's shoulders slumped. "Oh, Molls, you're leaving."
She supposed this was a good place to start. "It's time for me to go, Em. Mom's fine and doesn't need me anymore. I've already stayed long enough."
"Why? Did Carter do something?"
"No." She took a step back. "He gave me the key to his house."
Emma gave her a confused look. "And that's a bad thing?"
Molly cocked her head to the side, realizing that sounded a little ridiculous. "You don't understand, Em."
"No, I don't. He loves you. He's always loved you. The two of you are perfect together."
"We aren't perfect. I mean, yeah, it's good right now, but we hurt each other before. It's only a matter of time before it happens again."
"I thought you two talked things through."
She shrugged. "We put the past behind us. Sort of. But is it ever really gone?"
"So you're judging a potential future with Carter based on the past between you?"
She looked down at her hands. "Sometimes you just can't go back."
Emma leaned over, grabbed Molly's hands, forcing her to make eye contact. "And sometimes, my sweet sister, you have to let the past go so you can make a future for yourself. No one knows that better than I do."
"I know what happened to you in your past, and how hard you fought to get through it so you could make a future. But your situation was entirely different from mine. Carter is part of my past. I have to let him go."
"You did. For all these years you let him go. You let go of your home, and everyone you knew. Did it help? Did you move forward with your life? With relationships?"
She lifted her chin. "I've been doing fine."
"You've been running away from your memories all these years, Molly, instead of facing down the past and coming to terms with it. That's not growth, that's not putting the past behind you. That's shoving it into a closet and hoping it doesn't throw that door open and scare the shit out of you in the middle of the night. That's not how you deal with it. And this," she said, sweeping her hands over the open suitcases. "Running again isn't how you deal with those feelings, either."
Molly put her hand over her stomach, trying to quell the nausea she felt from her sister's accusations.
She wasn't running, she was simply . . . resuming her life.
"I like moving around. I start to feel unsettled if I stay in one place too long."
"This isn't 'one place,' Moll. This is your home. Where you're surrounded by everyone who loves you. If you ever have any hope of making a future, then you have to stand your ground, confront the past, and demand the future you want."
Tears pricked her eyes. She was going to miss Emma so much. "I love you, Em. But I still have to go."
Emma sighed. "I love you, too, Molly. But sometimes I want to shake you really hard so you'll listen to reason."
Molly stood, unable to continue this conversation. Otherwise, Emma might just be able to get her to change her mind. And that she couldn't do. "Well, I've gotta pack."
Emma stood, too, tears rolling down her cheeks. It was like a knife in Molly's heart to see them there.
"Have you told Mom and Dad yet?"
Molly shook her head. "Not yet."
Emma pulled her into her arms and hugged her tight. "Please don't go. Please rethink this."
Now the tears threatened to fall, but Molly refused to cry. She sniffed, holding it all back. She'd cry later, when she was alone. "I have to."
"I love you so much, Molls. I'm always going to be here for you, no matter what."
Without looking at her, Emma fled the room.
Shaking, Molly turned and faced the luggage again. This time, she went to the drawers and started packing.
Chapter 33
TICKETS, CHECK. MONEY, in wallet.
Carter was packed and ready. Now all he needed was his sexy, beautiful, smart woman to show up at the door.
When he heard the choking, gasping sound of her car, he shook his head and smiled, waiting for her to use her new key to open the door.
He frowned when she rang the doorbell. Maybe she forgot it.
He knew as soon as he opened the door and saw her red-rimmed eyes that she'd been crying. Something inside him told him he knew why.
He stood aside when she walked in. She was wearing old jeans, tennis shoes, and a sweater, her hair pulled up in a ponytail, and he'd wager everything she owned was piled up in George's trunk.
"You're leaving," he said.
She turned around, gave him a clipped nod.
"It's . . . time for me to go."
Her words stabbed like a dagger in his chest.
He crossed his arms. "You're going to have to do better than that, Molly."
She drew in a shuddering breath. "You know it can't work between us, Carter. We have an insurmountable past that I can't see us getting through. It's been fun between us the last few months, but it's not a permanent thing. There's just too much history between us."
He cocked a brow. "History being three years of loving each other in high school, of committing to being together forever?"
"And an unplanned pregnancy, a miscarriage, and an ugly breakup."
"See, that's the difference between you and me. That's the only part of our relationship you chose to remember. The bad. I remembered how great we were together, how much fun we had, how we couldn't wait until we saw each other, how we couldn't get enough of each other. I remembered the plans we made for our future together."
"Plans that were derailed when I got pregnant."
"Right. And that sucked. And your miscarriage was awful. Not just for you, Molly, but for me, too. You were so busy feeling shitty and miserable and devastated and crushed, I wasn't allowed to feel anything because you had to feel and say everything. And then when I got over my shock that you lost our baby, you had already played judge, jury, and executioner on our relationship, and you were already gone."
She blinked, but didn't say anything.
"And now, you've decided this relationship isn't going to work, without discussing it with me. Because God forbid you and I should have an honest discussion about anything, right? All these months I've tiptoed around you, not wanting to d
o anything to upset the balance of what we had going. I was happy enough just to be with you again, see where things could go between us, let our feelings for each other lead the way.
"But you know what? That's not gonna work for me anymore. I'm not going to let you walk out on me again without you knowing that I love you. Hell, I've always loved you. I don't know about you, Molly, but loving someone isn't something we forget how to do. How I feel about you hasn't changed from the time I was sixteen years old and first laid eyes on you. It's a different love now--it's grown up and a little weathered, but it's still how I feel about you. And it goddamn hurts that you're not willing to put in the effort to build on it. Instead, you're running."
She looked at him, just looked at him, as if his declaration of love had meant nothing.
That hurt. He'd just told her he loved her. Didn't that goddamn mean anything to her?
Finally, she spoke, but it wasn't the words he wanted to hear.
"I'm not running. I just--"
"That's such bullshit. You can't face your own feelings, so you're running like hell away from them. Away from me, because you don't trust me."
"This has nothing to do with trust, Carter."
Her eyes spit fire. Good. At least maybe she felt something. He sure as hell did.
"Doesn't it? Last time you judged me for failing you. And maybe I did. I was a kid back then, and scared as hell about how our lives were about to change. When you lost the baby, for a few minutes, I didn't know what to think or how to feel. And maybe I did feel a few seconds of--I don't know--it wasn't relief, it was numbness. Because all the plans we'd made had been shot to hell--twice--and we'd have to start all over again. You were hurting, I was hurting, and we'd have to figure it all out. I didn't know what to do to make you feel better, so I just shut down and ended up not being there for you when you needed me the most. That was a shitty thing to do, and I regretted it. Unfortunately, you knew me so damn well you picked right up on my reaction, and I'm so sorry for that."
She just sat there, watching him, but at least this time he was going to get to say how he felt. Before she walked away this time, she'd know.
"You know what? I'm not that kid anymore. But you'll never give me the chance to be the man I can be for you, to show you the love you deserve, because, to you, I'll always be the guy who failed you. So as always, you know best, and you're going to end it for both of us before we get any closer--before I have a chance to hurt you again, right?"
She didn't answer, and he hated seeing the tears in her eyes. He'd already hurt her once, and he never intended to do it again. Maybe she was right. Maybe they weren't ever going to be right for each other.
He wanted her to stand up for them. To stand up now and argue with him. He could handle hours of arguments with her, because at least then she'd be present in the relationship. The two of them, fighting for what they both deserved.
But this silent Molly? That he couldn't handle, because it meant she didn't goddamn care enough to try and save what they had.
And if she didn't, then neither did he.
"Have a good trip, Molly, and drive safe."
Carter headed to the fridge and grabbed a beer. He heard the front door close and leaned his head against the refrigerator door, taking in a few deep breaths.
When he came back into the living room, the key he'd given Molly lay on his coffee table.
He picked it up, looked at it in his hand, then heaved it across the room.
Chapter 34
"YOU'VE BEEN ONE hell of a frequent flier here the past week," Bash said as he passed Carter another beer.
"I'm a big fan of basketball. And hockey." He took several swallows of beer, ignoring the hot blonde who took a seat next to him. After she tried to get his attention several times, she shrugged and moved on down the bar.
"You also have satellite and a big-screen TV at home. Plus a fridge filled with beer."
"But I enjoy your company so much." Carter grinned at Bash.
Bash laughed. "Are you flirting with me?"
Carter snorted, then grabbed a couple of pretzels and his beer and made his way over to the pool tables to shoot a couple of games with a few of the guys in the bar.
This had been his second home ever since that night two weeks ago when Molly had shown up at his place and then left. Since he couldn't work twenty-four hours a day, and he figured out after the first few nights that he couldn't sleep, he came here at night and drank for a few hours, then went home and passed out.
He'd missed a few nights at the gym, and Rhonda was feeling a little neglected, but he was getting the job done at work, and that's all that mattered. He intended to focus on his job from now on. Just his job.
"You look like shit."
He looked up from the table to see Luke standing next to him.
"We can't all be pretty like you, my friend."
Luke shook his head. "And you could stand to have a burger and fries at Bert's. Care to join me?"
"You on duty?"
"Just got off and saw your truck in the lot, so I thought I'd drop in and see if you were hungry."
"Not really. How about a beer?"
"From the way you smell, any more beers and I'll have to park in the lot, then pull you over for a DUI when you leave. Come on, man, don't make me do that. Besides, I'm starving. Give me a break."
Heaving a sigh, he hung up the pool cue. "Fine. Let's go get a burger."
Carter waved to Bash, then headed out to his truck.
"How about I drive?" Luke asked. "I'll bring you back to your truck after we eat."
"Okay. Will you run the siren?"
"Funny."
He had to admit, when they walked into Bert's, the smell of food made his stomach rumble. And maybe he hadn't been eating much, but hey, a guy could survive just fine on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, pretzels, and beer, couldn't he?
"And what are you two fine gentlemen up to tonight?" Anita asked as she came over.
"We're up to two strong cups of coffee, two waters, and two of your best loaded cheeseburgers, with fries," Luke said.
Anita grinned. "Comin' right up."
"How did you know what I wanted?"
Luke shrugged. "I didn't. Told you I was hungry."
They talked work until the food arrived, and by then, Carter was ready to dig in. By the time he'd had two cups of coffee and devoured his cheeseburger, he felt a bit more human again.
"Better?" Luke asked, taking a sip of coffee.
"A lot. Thanks."
"No problem."
"Bash called you, didn't he?"
"Yeah. He said you were starting to resemble a snarling werewolf."
Carter laughed. "That bad, huh?"
"Yeah. So what are you going to do about it?"
"About what?" Carter took another long drink of his coffee.
"You know what. Molly."
He shrugged. "Nothing. I'm not going to go chasing after a woman who's not willing to stand her ground and give us a chance. She's not worth it."
"Isn't she?" Luke gave him a look over the rim of his cup.
"No. She ran back then, and she ran again. Why would I even bother?"
"Because you're obviously in love with her, or you wouldn't look this bad."
"Thanks."
"No problem. And when you're in love with a woman, you chase her down and make her listen to you. You tell her you love her every day until it either sinks in, or you realize it's never going to happen."
"Yeah, I'm not that much of a glutton for punishment, buddy. No thanks."
"How hard did you try to convince her to stay when she told you she was leaving?"
He paused, set the cup down. "Not at all."
Luke rolled his eyes. "And now you're drowning your sorrows because she left you? That makes you a major dumbass, my friend. A woman has to feel like you'd move heaven and earth to have her, you know."
"I do know that. I was just trying to get out of her way." None of what he said
made sense. "Well, shit. I didn't try hard enough, did I?"
Luke gave him a clueless look. "How the hell should I know? She's gone, so obviously not."
Carter wiped his mouth with the napkin. "This is bullshit. I need to find her and force her to listen to me. I love her, goddammit and she's going to keep hearing it until it sinks in. She belongs here--with me."
Luke's lips curved. "That sounds more like you. Sad, drunken werewolf is definitely not a good look on you."
"Whatever. Take me back to my truck."
THIS WASN'T WORKING.
Molly could have sworn she'd settle in after two weeks in Oklahoma City.
Typically when she moved to a new city, she was filled with excitement. A new place, a new job, new places to eat and explore.
But this just wasn't her city. It was a great place, but she hadn't found an apartment to rent yet, so she was still living in a convenience hotel, and she hadn't spotted a job she wanted, so she was currently temping.
That's what everything here felt like to her--temporary. Not like home, and after two weeks, it should feel like home.
She supposed she'd just have to up and move again.
The problem was, she didn't want to get out the map and find yet another place.
She was tired of city hopping, tired of traveling around.
She missed Hope. She missed her family and her friends.
She missed Carter. Every night as she lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling, she replayed their last conversation over and over in her head.
The things he'd said to her had been awful and painful and devastating to her heart.
Only this time, he'd been right.
She had judged him, laid all the blame on him, and hadn't allowed herself to forgive him for the past so they could take a shot at having a future together. She hadn't trusted in him, and because of that, she'd cost herself a chance to have a forever with the one and only man she had ever loved.
It had taken that one last ugly blowup for her to see the mistakes she'd made.
And because she hadn't trusted in Carter, and in her own heart, she'd done the only thing she really knew how to do and do well--run.
But running was no longer the solution to her problems.
Now she was afraid that no place was ever going to feel like home again, because home was Hope.
She had to go home.