He told her about the last message he’d gotten and she sighed.
“Yeah, we don’t talk much anymore. She has all her sorority sisters now. I guess her sorority is all hard-core, almost getting kicked off campus and whatnot.”
“For what?” he asked.
“Hazing.”
When his eyebrows went up, she explained, “Mostly drinking stuff.”
Ryan didn’t like the sound of that; in fact, it caused a moment of panic to flare inside him. He imagined Brooke blindfolded and forced to drink too much, and it made him want to throttle someone, even if it was something she’d signed up for. Jackie sipped her beer and offered more information.
“She came up to visit me at school in February. One of her friends drove her. It was awesome to see her, but, oh my gosh . . . she got so freaking wasted and passed out in the guy’s car who was driving us. We had to carry her and sneak her in my dorm.”
Jackie laughed at the memory, as if it had been a good time, but Ryan could only nod, deep in dark thoughts about all the dangers Brooke was getting herself into. Did Jackie still not know about Brooke’s family history? He didn’t think she’d make light of the drinking thing if she did. Part of him wanted to tell Jackie, but he couldn’t bring himself to betray Brooke’s trust.
“Does she have a boyfriend?” he asked, even though he didn’t want to know.
Jackie snorted. “When does Brooke not have a boyfriend?”
At the look on his face she quickly clarified. “I mean, she dates, you know? It never gets serious-serious. She’ll have a boyfriend for a few months, then she’ll be single a couple weeks, then another guy. You know how she is, Ryan. And it’s only gotten worse.”
He’d been clenching and unclenching his hands in his lap the whole time she was speaking, trying not to breathe too fast.
“Why does she do that?” His voice sounded angry, despite his effort not to appear fazed.
Jackie just patted his forearm and sighed. “Trying to prove something to herself, maybe? I don’t know. She’s got a lot of hurt inside. Hopefully she’ll come back to us someday when she’s done searching for love in the wrong places.”
Searching for love.
It’s right here, Brooke, Ryan thought. Right freaking here.
Jackie left him sitting there, seething in pain and anger, while she joined in a hand of cards. She sat there laughing, happy. Ryan knew Jackie loved Brooke, and she’d been pushed away by her just as he had. But Jackie had moved on, just like Ryan should.
He looked over at the group of girls across the room, who were always trying to get his attention. They got quiet when they saw him looking, so he dropped his gaze and heard hushed giggles erupt. He stood and pulled his keys out of his pocket, heading for the door without saying good-bye to anyone.
Yeah, he needed to move on, and he would. Just not yet.
CHAPTER NINE
In fall of his senior year Michelle Vasquez asked him to the Sadie Hawkins dance.
Ryan hadn’t gone to any dances his junior year. He wasn’t into that stuff. But something about the way Michelle bit her lip, looking so nervous as they stood there in the hall . . . he knew that feeling.
“Yeah, sure, I’ll go,” he told her.
She rocked back from her heels to her toes. “Really? Awesome!”
Her smile was pretty.
Her best friend, Sarah, asked Ryan’s friend, Jake, so the four of them went together. After the dance they’d had a joint make-out session in the toy box with Ryan and Michelle in the front and Jake and Sarah in the back. That night sealed the deal, and the two couples became nearly inseparable.
Life went on.
There were things about Michelle that drove him crazy in a bad way—especially her negative body image. She was gorgeous with all that dark, curly hair, which she’d grown longer; and in his opinion she was too skinny. Apparently his opinion didn’t matter, because she rarely ate more than a bite or two in front of him, and she always insisted on having the lights off when they made out. He wasn’t sure, but he thought she was too self-conscious to even enjoy the things they did together. It was times like those when he thought of Brooke, and how different it would be with her, which made him feel guilty.
But the worst thing about Michelle was her jealousy. Ryan was a loyal guy. He didn’t check out girls the way his friends did, but she still needled him about it. Do you think she’s cute? Do you wish my boobs were as big as those? Were you really in love with Brooke Bennett? When’s the last time you talked to her? What do you guys talk about, anyway? The questions about Brooke forced a brick wall up inside him. He didn’t want to talk about Brooke to anyone, especially not Michelle. It wasn’t her business. And he didn’t like the way Michelle said Brooke’s name like it was something vile.
That thought made Ryan realize maybe he wasn’t so faithful to Michelle after all, and she had every right to be paranoid. Because he looked forward to the summer and holidays for different reasons than his friends. Although, admittedly, Ryan did not hope for a visit from Brooke like he used to. Now and then he let himself fantasize, but reality was too solid and too constant to let him be a fool anymore. Brooke was done with him. And besides, it would be too weird to have her see him with Michelle.
The only thing Ryan truly looked forward to was baseball. Sometimes he enjoyed being with Michelle, but mostly it felt like work, like he was walking on eggshells, trying not to accidentally piss her off or hurt her feelings. Ryan didn’t know how to handle her tears and mood swings. He went through the motions and tried to be a good boyfriend. She told him she loved him and he said it back. She said she was ready to have sex and so they did. He pretty much did everything she wanted, and still she never seemed at ease in their relationship.
Ryan’s mom came home from work one day to find him sitting on the front steps of their town house next to the pile of leaves he’d just raked. She pulled off his ball cap and kissed the top of his sweaty head, then motioned him inside the house.
“What’s on your mind?” she asked.
He sighed and let his hands fall to his thighs with a smack as he sat on the couch. “Michelle’s always on my case, saying she doesn’t think I love her and stuff. I don’t know what else she expects me to do to prove it.”
His mom nodded, gathering her thoughts as she set her purse down and came to sit next to him.
“Do you love her?” she asked.
“I guess, yeah.”
She raised her eyebrows. “You guess?”
He shrugged and looked down, feeling like he was under a microscope.
“Ryan, girls have the intuition to know when they’re loved or not. You should never tell a girl you love her if you don’t.”
Guilt and frustration burned inside him. He didn’t know what to do. Michelle was good to him, and he thought he could probably love her someday. Eventually. He had no reason to break up with her, and, besides, with Michelle’s crazy low self-esteem, that would be the worst kind of drama. He freaking hated drama. It was easier to stay together and hope things would get better.
“She’s a nice girl,” his mother said. “A little . . . controlling from what I’ve seen, but she deserves your honesty. And you need to do what’s right for yourself, too, honey.”
“Yeah,” he whispered.
But he didn’t know what was right for himself. All he knew was that he couldn’t change how he felt. He didn’t feel the way he should for Michelle, and he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to feel that way with anyone, but he knew he’d better start doing a better job of faking it or Michelle would never relax and let them live in peace.
“Don’t settle for something less than love, Ryan,” his mom said, squeezing his hand before she got up to start dinner.
It was good advice ideally, but easier said than done.
CHAPTER TEN
Ryan was shocked to get a text from Brooke on a random Tuesday night in November.
Hey. U up?
He cursed his stupid body for reacting
like it always did—banging heart, too hot everywhere.
Yeah, he responded. U ok?
Just saying hi. i heard you have a girlfriend. Sarah, right?
Shit. His heart jackhammered now.
Michelle. But it’s nothing serious.
As he typed the words he felt like the biggest douche bag in history, because isn’t that how he’d been treating their relationship all along? Like it wasn’t serious?
Aw that’s cute. told you those girls liked you. ;) glad u r happy Ry.
He couldn’t respond to that. He immediately deleted the conversation since Michelle liked to look through his messages. When had he become such a fraud? He wanted to do right by Michelle, but he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to force his heart into taking her as seriously as he should.
Ryan and Michelle made it through the holidays. He spent Christmas week with his dad and stepmom in Michigan. When he got home, Michelle dragged him to a giant sale at a girly store with a million bottles of smelly stuff. The place made his head swim with flowers and spices. She kept shoving bottles at his nose to see if he liked it and he kept nodding, saying they were fine. Except for some midnight one that smelled like rotten roses which he gave a thumbs-down.
She scuttled around the store, weaving between people, smelling bottles and dropping them in her basket, and he followed with his hands in his jeans pockets. He couldn’t help but notice he was the only dude in the store, and the chicks were snatching stuff from shelves and bins like it was a race.
While Michelle was spritzing something on a piece of paper, he noticed a yellow bottle with a picture of vanilla beans. He picked it up and took a whiff.
Ryan almost fell over. He took a step back and his heart banged against his ribs.
Brooke.
He closed his eyes a second and she was everywhere.
He smelled it again, squeezing the bottle and his heart went crazy. This was her lotion.
The bottle left his hand as Michelle took it from him, his dreamworld falling like shards all around him. She smelled the lotion and made a face.
“Too sweet.”
She set it back down and kept moving, but Ryan stared at the bottle. He ran his thumb over the opening where he’d squeezed a drop out, and rubbed the silky lotion across his fingertips.
All day he smelled Brooke.
Michelle wanted them to attend Virginia Tech together. They were both accepted, but in the spring Ryan chose to go to UVA on a baseball scholarship.
“They’ve got the best team in the state right now,” he explained.
They were standing in the kitchen of his town house leaning against the counter, which held the pile of college letters. Michelle knew schools from all over the country had been scouting him and offering scholarships. Rumor had it a scout from the Washington Nationals had told his coach he’d been keeping an eye on Ryan’s stats.
“All you care about is baseball,” Michelle mumbled at him. “We’re going to be rivals.”
“Ah, come on. You don’t really care about that crap, do you?”
She huffed a little, because she knew he had her. She wasn’t the school spirit type, but that could change in college, since Hokie fans were notoriously crazy about their school, in a good way.
Ryan took her in his arms and kissed her temple. She put her arms around his waist and relaxed into him. During sweet moments like this Ryan felt happy, like maybe they could make it work. He let his fingers slip under her shirt and press against her cool, smooth skin. When his hand rounded her waist, she pulled away.
“Stop, Ryan. You know I hate that.”
Crap. Her “sensitive area.” It was ridiculous.
“What? You hate when I touch you?”
“I don’t like when you touch my stomach and . . . love handles.”
Ryan snorted and rolled his eyes. He couldn’t help it.
“It’s not funny!” she yelled.
So much for their sweet moment.
“Babe.” He reached for her, but she pushed his hand away. “You do not have love handles. How many times do I have to tell you that your body is perfect? Do you think I’d try to touch your stomach if it was so repulsive?”
She looked as if she might cry. “You don’t understand.”
No, he didn’t. He sighed and looked down at his letter from the University of Virginia.
“This isn’t gonna last, is it?” Michelle asked. She’d wrapped her hands around her belly and stared at the letters, too.
Ryan didn’t answer, because he didn’t know. And in his silence, she picked up her purse and left.
Ryan and Michelle didn’t break up, but their relationship was teetering at the edge of a cliff. Tension from the anticipated drop surrounded them constantly. After baseball games, Michelle got mad when Ryan was reluctant to kiss her or hold her hand in front of the guys. He eventually gave in to her glares and watery eyes, and dealt with the jibes from his teammates. At moments like that his mind wandered to Brooke; she’d always understood how it was between the guys.
Their season was as great as everyone expected. They took the state title in one of the best moments of Ryan’s life. He and Jake were saying bye to the girls and just about to board the bus for the two-hour trip home when Ryan’s phone dinged. He’d expected to see a message from his mom, who’d just left, but when he saw Brooke’s name his hand shook.
Congrats, Ry!!! Wish I could’ve been there!
“Brooke?” Michelle was leaning over, reading it, and he closed the message box. “Why’s she writing you?”
“’Cause she’s his friend, duh,” Jake answered. He kissed Sarah good-bye and punched Ryan in the arm before climbing on the bus.
Michelle’s face had gone stony. “How often do you talk to her?”
“Never,” Ryan said. “Not since last year. I swear.”
He could feel the eyes of everyone on the bus watching them, and then Coach leaned over and honked the horn.
“Gotta go,” Ryan said. He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before jumping on the bus with relief. He dropped into the seat next to Jake.
“Dude,” Jake said with a sigh. “Michelle can be a bitch when she wants to, huh?”
Ryan tensed. “Don’t call her that, man. It’s my fault anyway.”
Jake shrugged and didn’t ask what Ryan meant. The whole bus celebrated their win, getting loud and rowdy. For the first time ever their coach didn’t bellow at them to sit down and shut the hell up.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
After graduation, Ryan and Michelle went to a party together at Brian’s house, J.J.’s brother, who thankfully was nothing like his older sibling. Ryan was actually happy to see J.J. and Steve again, along with some of the older guys he used to play ball with.
“Get the hell outta here!” J.J. shouted when Ryan walked in. “The Kid’s all grown up and shit!”
Ryan almost laughed when he saw J.J.’s tight T-shirt that said I LOVE BOOBIES, and the gut he’d grown, but he thought better of it. They all drank beer and talked about their stats for the season while a Nats game played on TV. Michelle went outside to smoke cigarettes with her friends, a new habit she’d picked up, which he hated.
Ryan’s neck tightened when J.J. mentioned Jackie might come to the party. Ryan chugged his whole beer and felt a little calmer. He really didn’t want to talk about Brooke to Jackie this time. His head was screwed up enough as it was. Michelle came back into the room and squeezed onto the couch next to him. She leaned forward and tried to kiss him, but he got a big whiff of pungent nastiness and pulled away.
“What’s your problem?” she asked.
“You smell like smoke.”
“I’m chewing gum. God, what do you want me to do? I’m bored to death in here.” She sat back heavily on the couch. Ryan got up to get another beer.
He stood in the kitchen and watched Brian and J.J. having a chugging contest. J.J. won, slamming down his can on the table and squeezing out a loud burp.
“I’ll be damne
d!” J.J. said, looking past Ryan. “Look who’s here!”
Ryan heard the front door squeak open. He didn’t have to turn around to feel her presence. The whole room lit up at the sound of Brooke’s and Jackie’s laughter as they entered. Everyone in the kitchen stood and moved toward the entrance to greet them, but Ryan had gone to stone with shock. His hands and feet tingled. He stared down into the kitchen sink for a moment, then tilted back the rest of his beer.
The kitchen was loud and crowded now. But he could hear her voice. “Steve, oh my God! How are you?” He imagined her passing around those big hugs where she rocked you back and forth before releasing you. Ryan took a deep breath before turning around. Ryan was inches taller than most of the crowd, and eye level with the tallest of the guys there. He could see her across the room. When her eyes met his and widened, he felt split open, exposed to his core. They stared at each other through all the commotion. Her hair was shorter and blonder, lying on her shoulders. She wore makeup on her eyes and dark lipstick. He stood there, dumb, as she pushed through the kitchen, ran up, and threw her arms around his neck, laughing.
“Ry! Oh, my gosh! I’ve missed you! Look at you!” She pulled back and grabbed his biceps. “You’ve gotten some big ole muscles.” Her eyes were shining.
“You look . . . great,” he managed to say. “How long you home for?”
“Just the weekend. My summer class starts on Monday.”
She grinned and hugged him again. Ryan felt a hard tap on his shoulder. He pulled away from Brooke to find Michelle glaring at him. Having both girls this close was like some intergalactic crash of worlds or something. He’d never felt so awkward and uncomfortable in his life.
“Hey, Sarah!” Brooke said.
“I’m Michelle.”
“Oh.” Brooke blanched, stepping farther away from Ryan. “Sorry.”
“Are you ready to go?” Michelle asked Ryan. He wanted to believe he was a good guy. An honorable guy, but at that moment, when it came to Michelle, he knew he’d never done right by her, and this would be yet another of those failures.