Chairman Whelm: Confederates? Do I understand you to say that the villain is part of a cabal?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Yes, sir. He has been associated for some years with a dwarf of unknown and suspicious origin— (Cries of "A dwarf!" and "How disgusting!") —and has in the more recent period been acting in league with a notorious highwayman and that latter's own criminal gang, which consists of two renegade nobles from Malata. The offenses of this subversive—I leave out of consideration the suspect's crimes in Goimr, which have already been recounted—are positively legion: 1) calling into question the commercial philosophy and weltanschauung of a subsidiary of the Consortium; 2) ridiculing a man of the cloth; 3) proselytizing Joesy; 4) associating with a notorious highwayman under the guise of being robbed; 5) calling again into question the commercial philosophy and weltanschauung of a subsidiary of the Consortium; 6) exhibiting disrespect for the legal profession; 7) participating in the escape of a felon under the guise of being robbed; 8) calling into question yet again the commercial philosophy and weltanschauung of a subsidiary of the Consortium; 9) participating in his own escape from lawful capture by representatives of the provisional government of Goimr with the assistance of a notorious highwayman; 10) participating in the slaughter of said legal representatives of the provisional government of Goimr with the aid of— (The Angel Jimmy Jesus is interrupted by a cry from the visitors' gallery.)
First Clerk Gerard: What's this? What's this? Are you saying the fiend has murdered our noble commandos? (Great hubbub erupts in the chamber. Chairman Whelm pounds his gavel vigorously.)
Chairman Whelm: Order! Order! Order! (Order is restored.) First Clerk Gerard, I must reprimand you for disrupting the session! Guests in the visitors' gallery are not permitted to speak!
First Clerk Gerard: My apologies, Puissant Chairman. It's just—the sudden shock—
Chairman Whelm: Yes, yes, I understand. Nevertheless, the formalities must be observed. I take it from your reaction that this is the first you have heard of the fate of your commandos? Go on, man, you may speak.
First Clerk Gerard: Thank you, sir. Yes, yes, it's true that our commandos were long overdue, but we had thought they had deser—uh, well, that is to say, the salary of our soldiery is perhaps not—we are a poor country—for that very reason, in fact, do I require the assistance of the—well, I will speak of that later—The Angel Jimmy Jesus, do I understand you that our noble commandos were slain?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Butchered like sheep.
First Clerk Gerard: All of them?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Does a pack of wolves spare the littlest lamb of the flock?
First Clerk Gerard: O horror! O murder most foul! (Hubbub and uproar. Chairman Whelm gavels ferociously. Order is restored.)
Chairman Whelm: First Clerk Gerard, the entire Committee is in deepest sympathy with your distress. At the same time, it is essential that we press on, precisely in order to bring this criminal to justice in the swiftest manner. With that in mind, I would like the Angel Jimmy Jesus to continue his testimony.
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Certainly, sir. In the interests of that selfsame swift justice, let me wrap up this well-nigh endless list of crimes with the latest and most heinous depredation of the suspect—nothing less than debasement of the currency. (Tremendous uproar in the chamber. Chairman Whelm pounds his gavel many, many, many times. Order is restored.)
Chairman Whelm: Do I understand you to say that the suspect is guilty of counterfeiting?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: With all due respect, Puissant Chairman, it is difficult to give a precise answer to your question. We find ourselves here in a gray area of the law. I did not state, you will perhaps notice, that the suspect has engaged in counterfeiting. I stated that he was guilty of debasing the currency. Our legal experts are even now working night and day to determine if actual counterfeiting, as covered by the various statutes of Ozarae or any of the countries of Grotum, can be charged as well. The matter remains unclear.
Chairman Whelm: I admit to being a bit confused. Did, or did not, the suspect pass bad money?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: The question cannot be answered so simply, sir. The suspect purchased a number of services and goods from various subsidiaries of the Consortium, which he paid for by presenting gold tender. Our suspicions became aroused after we noticed that, on every occasion, this gold tender was presented in the form of oddly-shaped ingots. The gold was then subjected to careful examination by our best experts.
Chairman Whelm: And the result? Was it real gold?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: In its content, the gold proved on every occasion to consist of pure, twenty-four-carat gold.
Chairman Whelm: Wherein, then, lies the debasement of the currency? I must say, the Angel Jimmy Jesus, it seems to me that, in your admirable efforts to apprehend this rogue, you are here adding a rather flimsy charge to what is already a long list of capital crimes.
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: I understand your point, sir, but as I hope to make clear, it is our suspicion that the suspect is in fact engaged in a crime of monstrous proportions, so monstrous that it has as yet no name in the statute books. For our experts pursued the matter further and examined the external form of the ingots, with a particular eye to determining the method of casting involved. As you may know, the Consortium retains a legal monopoly throughout Grotum on all casting, smelting or forging of gold bullion. It was thus our thought that the suspect might be guilty of illegal gold-casting, if not of actual counterfeiting.
Chairman Whelm: I see! And your investigation showed that the suspect is running an illegal gold-casting operation?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: I regret to say that it is not so simple, sir. The statutes specifically forbid the unauthorized casting, smelting or forging of gold. The gold distributed by the suspect, however, was procured by a hitherto unknown method, which, I am sorry to say, is not forbidden by any statute.
Chairman Whelm: A new method of making gold? What is it?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Transmutation, sir. Transmutation. (Stupendous hubbub explodes in the chamber. Chairman Whelm pounds his gavel innumerable times. Order is restored.)
Chairman Whelm: Indeed! Well, I must say this is most irregular. I can assure you that my colleagues and I will see to it that statutes are passed which regulate this new method of gold-making, placing it in authorized and responsible hands. But until such statutes are on the books, I must tell you that with the best will in the world I cannot see the validity of your charge that the suspect is debasing the currency. After all, gold is gold. As the old saying goes, gold has neither lineage nor need of one. It is purity itself.
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Precisely, sir! And there lies the villain's depravity! For he has struck at the very linchpin of modern civilization—the purity of gold.
Senator Sahib: Mr. Chairman! Mr. Chairman! It is imperative that I be given the floor!
Chairman Whelm: The Chair recognizes the Senator from the No-Bullshit Imperialist Party.
Senator Sahib: Thank you. Puissant Chairman, I must insist that the Committee go into closed session. All guests and visitors must be removed, with the exception, of course, of our witnesses. (Senator Bourse seconds the motion.)
Chairman Whelm: All in favor? (The Committee votes overwhelmingly for the motion.) Sergeant-at-arms, clear the room. (The room is cleared.)
Senator Sahib: Let me explain to the august Senators of our Committee that I insisted on closing this session in order to forestall public panic. I believe I have grasped the essence of the Angel Jimmy Jesus' testimony. And if my surmise is correct, then I agree completely with the esteemed Director that we are faced with an unprecedented threat to the security and well-being of our glorious empire. With your permission, Mr. Chairman, may I conduct the further questioning of the witness?
Chairman Whelm: Certainly.
Senator Sahib: Thank you. The Angel Jimmy Jesus, a question has remained unasked. You have stated that the suspect has created gold through transmu
tation—that is to say, by the magical transformation of something else into the noblest of God's substances.
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Yes, sir.
Senator Sahib: And what was that something else out of which the gold was transformed?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Dwarf shit.
Senator Sahib: I beg your pardon?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Dwarf shit.
Senator Bourse: Not regular shit? I mean, normal people shit?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Dwarf shit. (Stupefying hubbub erupts in the chamber. Chairman Whelm pounds his gavel an innumerable number of times.)
Chairman Whelm: Order! Order! Order! Order! (Order is restored.). Senator Sahib, I give you back the floor.
Senator Sahib: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. The Angel Jimmy Jesus, I now require the answer to several questions. First, how much of this—tainted—gold has been placed into circulation?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: It is difficult to say, Senator. We first became aware of the situation but recently. Over a considerable period, the suspect has remained at large, along with his dwarf accomplice, and has pursued activities which do not appear to have been restricted in any way by lack of funds. Given that dwarves shit quite regularly, once, sometimes twice a day, we can only conclude that a large amount of this, as you aptly put it, tainted gold is now in general circulation. I might also add that, given the velocity of modern currency exchange, it is well-nigh certain that at least some of this gold has long since departed Grotum and is to be found here in the Ozarine heartland as well.
Senator Sahib: My second question, then: Is there any way to distinguish this horrid dwarf gold from normal gold, once it has been turned into coinage and has entered the global monetary system?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: No, Senator, there is not.
Senator Sahib: I feared as much. My third question: Has either your Commission or the Consortium managed to discover the exact process whereby this dwarf gold is produced?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: No, Senator, we have not.
Senator Sahib: Have you attempted to do so?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Certainly. In fact, we've given it top priority. We have established a special secret laboratory—far removed from any population centers, needless to say—which is working night and day to discover the technique. Pursuant to that end, we have obtained a sizable number of dwarves and have subjected their defecatory products to exhaustive and rigorous scientific examination.
Senator Sahib: And the result?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: We've got a lot of dwarf shit on our hands.
Senator Sahib: My fears deepen by the minute. I assume, since you have been unable to determine the method by which this dwarf gold is produced, that you have also been unable to determine anything else about its properties.
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: That is correct, sir.
Senator Sahib: I tremble for the State. My last question: How long will this dwarf gold remain in that form? Do we have any reason to believe, based on solid scientific data, that this dwarf gold will not, at some uncertain future date, suddenly transform itself back into dwarf shit?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: No, Senator, we do not. (Indescribable chaos erupts in the chamber. Chairman Whelm pounds his gavel a multitude of times. Order is at length restored.)
Senator Sahib: Esteemed colleagues, you now grasp the full extent of the crisis. It would be bad enough if the loyal citizenry of Ozarae were to discover that some of the gold in circulation resided once in the bowels of a cruddy little dwarf. But this! At any moment, the most delicate financial transactions, the most pivotal commercial exchanges—all of domestic and foreign trade alike!—could be suddenly brought to ruin by the emergence of dozens, hundreds, thousands, of little piles of dwarf shit everywhere—in the bank vaults, in the cash registers, why—even in the pockets of the very Senators sitting around this room! (Great hubbub erupts.)
Chairman Whelm, wielding his gavel. Order! Order!
Senator Vichyssoise: Mr. Chairman! I require the floor!
Chairman Whelm: The Chair recognizes Senator Vichyssoise of the League Larvaliste.
Senator Vichyssoise: Esteemed colleagues, I submit that we now have no option but to collaborate with the proposal which has often been placed on the floor by Senator Arbeitmachtfrei with respect to the dwarf menace. All dwarves must be immediately exterminated.
Senator Patellarasa: Mr. Chairman, I whimper for the floor.
Chairman Whelm: The Chair faintly discerns the wavering figure of Senator Patellarasa.
Senator Patellarasa: Esteemed colleagues, I must take exception to Senator Vichyssoise's proposal. We are confronted here with a moral quandary. Does the good of civilization as a whole outweigh the drama and pathos of the mass slaughter of millions of dwarves—all but one of them innocent of any wrongdoing? (Jeers and gibes erupt in the chamber.)
Chairman Whelm: Order! (He pounds his gavel.) Senator Patellarasa, I warn you that the Committee, famed though it is for its tolerance and willingness to examine all sides of an issue, is rapidly losing patience with your usual pussyfooting drivel.
Senator Patellarasa: Mr. Chairman, the Liberal Party (Hand-Wringing Faction) cannot in good conscience acquiesce without protest in the prospective massacre of multitudes of law-abiding citizens, even if they are a lot of cruddy little dwarves. I must warn you that if Senator Vichyssoise's proposal is adopted we shall certainly organize a candlelight vigil—in which we will undoubtedly be joined by the Well-Meaning, Bleeding-Heart and Knee-Jerk factions of the Liberal Party, as well as the Sociable Democrats. (Taunts and jibes fill the chamber.)
Chairman Whelm: Order! Order! (He bangs his gavel. Order is restored.) Senator Patellarasa, you may resume the floor—but I warn you, get to the point!
Senator Patellarasa: I shall do so, Mr. Chairman. But I say again, I cannot let pass the opportunity to dwell on the savagery of the action under consideration. You must understand the full ramifications! We'd have to chop up the whole lot of them, even the little baby dwarves. For they all shit quite regularly, you know, once, sometimes twice a day. It is this ethical— (Jeers and taunts erupt in the chamber.)
Chairman Whelm: Order! Order! (He bangs his gavel. Order is restored.) Senator Patellarasa, that's about enough. The time of this Committee is valuable and not to be wasted with a lot of puling nonsense about widdle-biddle itsy-bitsy eeny-weeny dwarf babies. I mean, who gives a fuck? You are no longer recog—
Senator Patellarasa: But Mr. Chairman, there's big money to be made here! (For the first time in living memory, total silence erupts in the chamber.)
Chairman Whelm: The Senator from the Liberal Party (Hand-Wringing Faction) is commanded to explain his last remark.
Senator Patellarasa: Puissant Chairman, esteemed colleagues, in your haste you have—as is so often the case with conservative attempts to deal with symptoms rather than causes—overlooked the obvious. We do not know, as yet, that this new method of producing gold is temporary. For all we know, it may well be permanent. Before taking any precipitous action, we must find out! For if this new method of gold-making results in permanent gold, think of the prosperity for the many—and the fortunes for the few! Think of the countryside dotted with hundreds, even thousands, of little gold factories, inhabited by thousands, even millions, of little dwarves crapping away for the enrichment of all society! Of course, they'd have to be regulated and such, but—
Senator Arbeitmachtfrei: Treason! Treason! If you think for a minute we'll put up with gold made out of dwarf shit, you're—
Senator Sahib: Shut up, you clown! When we need you, moron, we'll call on you. You stupid jackass, gold already comes from dwarf shit, or the nearest thing to it. Everybody knows that all the gold mines are already worked by dwarves. Never let the scummy little bastards up after they're sent down, of course, they'd steal you blind if you did. So they're already down there digging up the gold and crapping all over the place. They shit quite regularly, you know, once, sometimes twice a day. So what? That's why
we have processing plants. Personally, I think Senator Patellarasa's hit on something here. (Cries of "Quite right!" and "Hear, hear!") Esteemed colleagues, I move we adopt a multipartisan solution to the problem. Our policy: First, underwrite a top-priority crash program to discover the secret of dwarf-gold production. Second, shackle the lazy little crappers to the toilet bowls!
Chairman Whelm: Colleagues, what is your pleasure? (Senator Arbeitmachtfrei votes against the motion; all others vote in favor.) Colleagues of the Committee, I have but one thing to add to the motion which we just adopted. I believe it goes without saying that, in addition to the steps adopted, we must place a top priority on the quickest possible apprehension of the suspect Zulkeh and his dwarven accomplice. (Cries of "Quite right!" and "Hear, hear!") All in favor? (The motion passes unanimously.) Excellent! The Angel Jimmy Jesus, you are hereby invested by this Committee with the fullest authorization to deepen and expand your manhunt for the selfsame miscreant and all who might aid or abet him.
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: At your service, sir.
Chairman Whelm: Well, then! Esteemed colleagues, I believe we've done another good day's work. I hereby declare this session of the Committee—
Senator Bourse: One moment, please! Puissant Chairman, there is one last item of business I would like to take up.
Chairman Whelm: And what is that?
Senator Bourse: I believe the Committee is entitled to hear a report from the Angel Jimmy Jesus concerning the current situation with the Rap Sheet in Grotum. (Many cries of "Quite right!" and "Hear! Hear!")
Chairman Whelm: Well, I'm not sure—imperial security—
Senator Bourse: Puissant Chairman, I must insist! The decision to send the Rap Sheet to Grotum was hotly debated in this very chamber. The final vote was not unanimous, even despite the great pressure from the Nabobs. Indeed, had the Director of Companies not been so insistent I would have voted against the proposal myself. At the very least, therefore, I believe this Committee is entitled to a report as to the current status of the project.