That’s it. Perhaps I can’t be that generous. I resent the fact that Galdra will be overjoyed if he knew the way I felt. I don’t understand myself. His adoration irritates me, even as I sometimes yearn for those days we spent together.
That is your dilemma to solve. Galdra will help you connect with the Kamagrian, Lileem. Tharmifex Calvel is right about her too. She cannot hide away forever.
And what is the position of the sedim in all this? Are we to face another war? What do you know?
Our kings are alert; that is all I can say. If enemies move, they do so covertly. I stand by my words in Freygard: the portal there is harmless.
The Hegemony does not agree with that.
Their opinion is irrelevant. I’m telling you, and that’s all that’s important.
Pellaz reached down and ran his hand down the sedu’s broad neck. ‘We talk well together now, don’t we? One day, perhaps, I’ll be able to endure your true form. That would please me.’
It would please me too, but I fear you’ll have to travel beyond this life for us to experience such intimacy.
As Tharmifex had predicted, Galdra appeared to leap at the chance of coming to Immanion. Pellaz was not cheered by this: for years there had been utter silence between the Gelaming and the Freyhellans. Pellaz had had the impression that Galdra would rather have eaten his own tongue than set foot in Almagabra again. It was arranged that Pellaz and Cal would meet with Tharmifex and Galdra at Tharmifex’s home in the Thandrello area of Immanion. Pellaz requested specifically that Velaxis should not be there. Even though he had no liking for Velaxis, he didn’t distrust him particularly. What annoyed Pellaz was that Velaxis seemed to be everywhere at once. He had a finger in every Gelaming pie, and probably others besides. He was the archetypal civil servant, perhaps representative of the true power behind thrones. But the matter of Galdra was a personal one; Velaxis had no place in it. Tharmifex was only tolerated as an arbitrator.
Cal and Pellaz arrived half an hour or so before Galdra. They sat in the garden with Tharmifex and Ryander, his unobtrusive and gracious chesnari. The sky had cleared and the air was fresh and crisp, smelling of salt. Seagulls called raucously, and bullied the songbirds who had come to taste the scraps left out for them by Tharmifex’s househara.
A har came out of the house and murmured something to his employer. Tharmifex nodded and stood up. ‘The party from Freygard has arrived.’
‘Party?’ Pellaz said frostily.
‘Three hara; Galdra and an escort.’ Tharmifex turned to Ryander. ‘Perhaps you could take Galdra’s hara to the kitchen area for refreshments.’
Ryander inclined his head and also got to his feet.
Tharmifex gestured at Pellaz and Cal. ‘Please go to the meeting room. I’ll bring Galdra there.’
The Chancellor’s meeting room was of modest size, space enough for up to ten hara to sit comfortable around a large table. It was constructed of glass, attached to a side of the house that overlooked Tharmifex’s tiered water gardens. Vines grew over the roof so that the light was green. Sitting there, Pellaz was reminded of the roofed tomb in Freygard. He remembered Galdra jumping down from the niche, his bright hair swinging.
Cal took one of Pell’s hands in his own. ‘Breathe,’ he advised, grinning.
Tharmifex ushered Galdra into the room. ‘Please, take a seat, tiahaar.’
Galdra bowed to the Tigrons, directing his attention to Cal first.
Cal raised a hand. ‘Hello, Galdra. Thank you for coming.’
Galdra sat down. ‘No need to thank me. You have news about Loki?’
‘No,’ Cal said.
Pellaz was grateful that Cal appeared to have assumed control. He was almost incapable of speech himself. Tharmifex too seemed content to let Cal do the talking. He sat down next to Galdra and folded his hands on the table.
Galdra frowned. ‘Then why am I here?’
‘After discussion,’ Cal began, ‘the Hegemony has concluded that it’s essential communication is re-established with Lileem Sarestes. We have already made attempts to do that, without success. We believe that only you and Pellaz can create the specific conditions necessary for such communication. Would you be agreeable to participating in an experiment to do this?’
Galdra did not attempt to hide his surprise, or his consternation. He allowed himself one brief glance at Pellaz, laughed, put a hand over his mouth, then stared at the table.
‘Well?’ Cal asked. ‘What are your thoughts on this?’
‘This is a shock,’ Galdra said. ‘The last thing I expected to hear.’
‘I understand that,’ Cal said. ‘We wouldn’t be asking you if we didn’t think it was essential.’
Pellaz noticed that now Galdra’s gaze did not leave Cal’s face. Pellaz might as well not have been present.
‘I don’t know,’ Galdra said. ‘I confess I find it difficult to discuss this with you, tiahaar.’
‘I understand that too. Perhaps we should be speaking alone, but please be assured that everyhar present has only Loki’s interests at heart. I am prepared to do anything to find him. I trust you feel the same.’
Galdra nodded. ‘Of course. I’ll do what it takes, although I must admit I’m skeptical this will work.’ Now, he glanced at Pellaz. ‘Circumstances are very different to those surrounding the events at Fulminir.’
Pellaz addressed Tharmifex. ‘When do you suggest we should make the attempt?’
Tharmifex appeared surprised he’d been asked that question. ‘When you feel ready,’ he said. ‘That is hardly up to me.’
‘We must talk, Pellaz,’ Galdra said. ‘This isn’t something we can just go away and do. We need to discuss the matter.’
Pellaz and Galdra went out into the garden and walked around its perimeter. Silence hung heavily between them, but at first it appeared Galdra was content to remain quiet until Pellaz felt ready to speak. As they reached the lawn that looked out over the ocean, a line of ships could be seen, sailing into dock. Here, Galdra paused. ‘Takes me back,’ he said, staring out to sea. ‘It seems centuries ago I first came here.’
Pellaz nodded. ‘Mmm.’
There was another short silence, then Galdra asked abruptly, ‘Whose idea was this?’
Pellaz didn’t hesitate. ‘Cal’s.’
‘You could have refused.’
‘Unfortunately, I couldn’t. Cal’s probably right.’
Galdra shook his head. ‘He continually astounds me. I would never have expected him to behave like this.’
‘He is Tigron,’ Pellaz said. ‘Don’t be astounded. Put aside your prejudices.’
‘I think you will have more difficulty doing that than me,’ Galdra said. ‘What did I ever do to you that was so bad? I went into that final Grissecon virtually as your chesnari, and woke from it to find I was an outcast. Is there something I’ve forgotten? Or was it simply that once Cal returned to you, I was an embarrassment to be discarded?’
‘The reason we have not talked for so long is because I never wanted to have this conversation,’ Pellaz said.
‘I deserve an explanation,’ Galdra said. ‘You owe me that much, surely.’
Pellaz turned away and began to walk once more along the edge of the lawn. With one hand, he brushed the heads of the flowers that grew in the border beyond the grass. Galdra followed him. ‘We… we should not have become so close,’ Pellaz said. ‘I allowed it to happen and I wish I hadn’t. But you were a force, Galdra, a very strong force. You were determined to get your own way, and you got it. Now, you must live with the consequences. I’m not totally to blame. I did try to tell you once.’
Galdra pulled a sprig from a rosemary tree, twirled it beneath his nose. ‘You tried to tell me many things. You once implied that you were ready to let me take Cal’s place. If I recall correctly, it was me who stopped that discussion. You did feel the same as I did, Pell. I think you hate yourself for it. You have very strange concepts of loyalty and betrayal. I expect it’s some leftover of once being human
.’ He crumpled up the fragrant leaves and threw them away.
Pellaz laughed bitterly. ‘How long you’ve waited to say these things. You must have rehearsed them many times in your head.’
‘Too many times to count,’ Galdra said. ‘I can’t go through the whole script; it would take too long, which is a shame because there are some choice lines in it.’
‘And now you have your moment. Come on, give me the best line.’
Galdra put his head to one side. ‘Ah, a breakthrough. You’re smiling. Smiles are not your best expressions. You are most at ease with sneers of withering contempt.’
‘And yet you adore me. How touching.’
Galdra’s expression became sober. ‘Pell, there’s something I want to say and it is this: you won’t break apart if you let go. You know what I mean. The love you and Cal have for one another is too strong. It’s safe. I’ve always known that. It seems strange to me that you don’t.’
Pellaz sat down on the grass, while Galdra remained standing. ‘I know it,’ Pellaz said. ‘I think you might be right – it’s something to do with a tiny flame of humanity inside me. I can never be totally Wraeththu like you. There are boundaries inside me you don’t have, which is why you can’t understand me. As a righteous and arrogant newly-incepted har, I thought I knew it all. I thought it would be simple to give of myself and to take, beyond the restrictions of petty jealousies and fears. Perhaps we were all idealistic like that, and our young philosophers infected us with the idea that we were different from how we’d been. But we weren’t different enough. We had yet to learn that only our sons could be truly free.’ He rubbed his hands over his face. ‘Sons… Only the truly doomed souls are condemned to be born into my family. It seems I’m forever losing them, in one way or another.’
‘We’ll get Loki back,’ Galdra said, hunkering down beside Pellaz. ‘I feel that we will.’
Pellaz nodded and for a while there was again silence between them; strangely, an easy silence. Then Pellaz said, ‘Galdra…’
‘What?’
‘Respect me, don’t swamp me.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I think you know. If you’re tempted to exact some kind of revenge, please don’t. I’ll do this with you, but it has to be for Loki, not for you. Do you understand?’
‘You mean you don’t want me to enjoy it? That might be difficult, for both of us. It doesn’t work that way. You know it.’
‘I didn’t mean that. Just don’t… gloat.’
Galdra expelled a short burst of laughter, but he didn’t sound amused. ‘Thanks!’
‘You were always good at gloating. Whenever I opened up to you, you puffed up with delight and smugness.’
‘Pellaz!’
‘Well, it’s true. The amount of gloating that would have gone on, should we have remained close after Cal came back, would have been unendurable.’
‘Seems like you’ve had your script waiting too,’ Galdra said dryly.
‘You got me when I was vulnerable. We were actually quite vile to one another. Pureborn, you’re not as emotionally adjusted as you like to believe.’
‘OK, I’ll accept that. Can we agree on the fact that physically we find each other irresistible?’
‘Found,’ Pellaz said. ‘If there is new ground, it starts here, not in the past.’
Chapter Twelve
Soft golden light spilled out over the white buildings of Immanion, into the dark blue night. In his apartment in Phaonica, Pellaz prepared himself as if for battle. Caeru came to the Tigron’s rooms, quietly sympathetic, talking about inconsequential things, but Cal kept away.
Pellaz sat before his mirror, which seemed dark and foggy. It was as if his image was fading away. ‘I should move rooms,’ he said abruptly.
‘What?’ Caeru laid a hand on top of Pell’s head. ‘Why?’
‘I’ve sat here too many times in my life, looking at my own face, before having to do something unpleasant. This place reeks of my own stupidity and mistakes.’
Caeru laughed. ‘Pell, what you’re about to do… unpleasant?’
‘Cal should be here. He should be part of it. He says he’s fine with all this, but he isn’t here.’ Pellaz sighed. ‘Nothing unusual about that, I suppose! He’s never here when I need him.’
‘He isn’t here for your sake,’ Caeru said carefully.
‘You’ve discussed it with him?’
‘Er…’ Caeru appeared shifty. ‘Yes.’
Pellaz expelled a bitter laugh. ‘You must feel this is all quite ironic. The way things end up. One of the times I sat here cursing was the day I bonded in blood with you.’
Caeru withdrew his hand, and his voice became cold. ‘Is there any har in this world, with whom you’ve been intimate, who you haven’t resented? Have you ever taken aruna, with a har other than Cal, without regret? Sometimes, I think you’re more messed up than Cal ever was.’
‘Rue…’
‘And you can snipe at me all you like. The bullets bounce off now, trust me.’ He went to the wardrobe and pulled out some of Pell’s clothes. ‘Here, wear these. Black for mourning.’
Pellaz stood up, took the garments offered to him. ‘You’re right; I am a mess. If I was still human, I’d be more than halfway through my life, and yet I feel like an addled teenager. Black. Yes. Most appropriate.’ He took off his robe and began to dress.
Caeru folded his arms. ‘You know, half your problem has always been pride. It won’t make you any less of a har if you give in for once.’
‘It was your fault I ended up with Galdra in the first place.’
‘Probably, and it was the best thing for you. I have no regrets about that. For Aru’s sake, Pell, get a grip of yourself. It’s becoming tedious. Add self-pity to pride. Not a palatable dish.’ Caeru put his hands on Pell’s shoulders and leaned forward to kiss his brow. ‘Come on, get ready and go. It’s not that much of a trial.’
‘It is, Rue,’ Pellaz said. ‘Even if I was going to attempt this with you or Cal, it’d be a trial. I don’t think I can do what everyhar wants of me. Not any more. It’s nohar’s fault. It’s just what is.’
‘You can only try,’ Caeru said. ‘I will be with you in spirit, as will Cal. We are strong together now. We’ll help you.’
Pellaz pulled Caeru into his embrace. ‘Hold me for just a minute. I feel like I’m going to the scaffold.’
It had been agreed that Pellaz would meet with Galdra in the neutral territory of Tharmifex’s house. Tharmifex and his chesnari vacated the premises and gave their staff the night off. When Pellaz arrived, the house felt strange, too empty. Dim lamps in the entrance hall did little to dispel the heavy breath of night, and the scent of flowers from the garden outside was overpowering, as if the blooms themselves were aroused by what was to come. There was no moon in the sky, which seemed appropriate — times such as this should occur in the dark of the moon — but the stars were achingly bright.
Galdra was sitting in the dark in the main salon, drinking costly wine that the Calvels had left out for the occasion. His hair was luminous in the starlight. Pellaz came silently into the room and stood at the threshold for a few moments. Galdra was so wrapped up in his thoughts, he didn’t realise somehar was watching him. He looked young and unsure of himself; an image he’d never betray consciously. The sight touched Pellaz, made him remember how much older he was than the har here waiting for him. This was a trial for Galdra too. He just didn’t want to admit it. Pellaz moved the door a little to make a noise and Galdra’s mask of confidence slipped back over his face. He straightened his spine, as if bracing himself for conflict.
‘We should be honored,’ Pellaz said lightly. He walked across the room. ‘Tharmifex is notoriously mean with his wines. He goes to great trouble to import them from every obscure corner of the world and consumes them greedily in private. I doubt his chesnari even gets a taste.’
‘Well, he did leave only one bottle.’ Galdra risked a smile.
‘Fortunately, I know
the cellar is never locked,’ Pellaz said. ‘And I dare him to complain if we take more.’
‘Will it help if you’re drunk?’
Pellaz sat down on the couch two feet away from Galdra and poured himself a drink. ‘It always helps if I’m drunk!’ He took a sip and was taken back instantly to the time in Imbrilim, when he’d met secretly with Galdra at one of the inns. They’d drunk red wine then, too. ‘This taste reminds me of you.’
Galdra was silent.
Pellaz scraped a hand through his hair. ‘There’s no guarantee this will work. I wonder whether Lileem is lost to us. That realm she inhabits, it’s a dangerous place. It guards its inhabitants jealously.’
‘We visited the dehara, Pell,’ Galdra said. ‘What we saw… experienced… I can hardly believe it happened. I too wonder what will happen now. It’s as if the planets aren’t in the right alignment or something. I don’t know.’
‘Perhaps we should concentrate on Loki. He is part of us. To me, that seems the best course.’
‘I’ll follow your lead. I’ve not done anything like this before or since we were last together.’
‘I’ve tried with Cal, and managed to get inside myself, as it were, but not beyond.’
Galdra winced a little at those words, and Pellaz knew they were somewhat cruel, but he didn’t want Galdra thinking what they’d done was unique to them. ‘We need information,’ Galdra said. ‘It’s not just about Loki, is it? At Fulminir, we made things difficult for something… or somehar… but we didn’t stop them or discourage them. What are we really taking on?’
‘I don’t know,’ Pellaz replied. ‘But Lileem must help us now. I want you to try and remain conscious, come with me. I know that’s difficult after so long without practice, but I confess that, if we succeed, I don’t want to do this alone.’
‘And how exactly do we do this?’ Galdra asked. ‘How do we get from this moment to that of intimacy? I feel a world apart from you.’