“Edward called me.”
I looked back at her, terror twisting me into knots. Flynn—he’d told.
She had her head rested on her pillowed hand, her eyes resting on my face. “He’s worried. He asked if he’d done anything or said something to hurt you.” She rose and shrugged. “I told him you hadn’t mentioned anything, but it’s pretty clear you’re pushing him away. You keep it up, honey, and you’re going to lose the best thing that ever happened to you.”
In the concrete canyons of New York City, it was easy to forget that there was a place like Central Park. It was one of my favorite places in the city and more often than not, just spending a half an hour here could ease my mind and make almost anything look better.
So far, I’d spent more than an hour wandering around the winding paths. I’d hit the castle, gone down by the lake, visited several of the bridges and still, my mind was a mess.
I’d gone to my favorite bridge and chosen a bench, watching the happy couples and families as they walked around, easily picking out the tourists from the people who called New York home. A small child led her mother on a wild chase and ended up tripping in front of me and sending up a scream that turned my already chilled blood to ice.
Before I could rise to help her, her mother swooped down out of nowhere and scooped her up, swinging her up and kissing the child’s scraped knee. Within moments, the tears became giggles and the woman carried her away. Over her mother’s shoulder, the toddler stared at me, the gleam of unshed tears making her eyes shine.
I could remember a time when a kiss from my mother or father had made everything seem better. Easier.
That time no longer existed and I knew I couldn't go to them with this. I'd told them about the engagement, of course, and they'd been a little surprised, but supportive. They were always supportive. They'd never said a bad word about my sister, Catherine, when she'd gotten pregnant just after high school, or the fact that she was now a single mom of two boys. They hadn't complained when my oldest brother had dropped out of college to marry his high school sweetheart and work at the local steel mill. And still, I was terribly afraid if I called either of them now and told them what was wrong, they’d be disappointed.
I was disappointed in myself.
“Is this seat taken, Cinderella?”
The sound of that voice, familiar and gentle, had me tensing up and I didn’t even breathe as Edward came around and sat down. Frozen, I stared at him. He reached up and brushed my hair back from my face, his fingers gentle, skin warm. I felt the touch to the bottom of my heart and it left an ache in my throat as I realized that, for all I knew, Flynn had done the very same thing.
“Are you alright?” Edward asked softly.
“I…” A tight fist grabbed me by the throat and slammed me down. Clearing my throat, I managed a weak smile. “I’m fine. I just…” I managed to shrug. “I’m stressing. Over the wedding. Money. Kendra. I had the thing with your mom and a planner she hired. I’d had somebody else in mind and she went and hired somebody else. Everything’s moving so fast and anytime I try to make plans or offer an idea…” I shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just tired.”
He caught my hand and lifted it to his lips. “I’m sorry, sweetheart.” He sighed and let go of my hand, curling his arm around my shoulders and drawing me closer to him. “My mother...well, she clearly has her mind set on a certain idea and she’s not used to not getting her way. But I’ll talk to her. Would you rather have this other wedding planner?”
Yes. But I shrugged. I needed to choose my battles. Estelle seemed to understand that I should have some say in my wedding. I could accept that if it kept Claire relatively happy. “I can handle the wedding planner. It’s just…I had colors in mind and your mother keeps trying to overthrow them. Stupid things.”
“It’s not stupid.” He kissed my temple. “I’ll talk to my mother.”
That just made me feel worse, because none of my current misery had to do with his mother and he was going to bat for me anyway.
“I don’t want to rush you into this,” he said, as if he could still sense some sort of reluctance. “I want you, for the rest of my life, but I want you to be certain.”
He tugged me into the warm, hard curve of his body and I went gladly, resting my head on his chest, listening to the sound of his heart and slowly relaxing as the scent of him permeated my body. His heartbeat was a warm, steady thrumming in my ear and I could feel his breath stirring my hair.
I squeezed him and closed my eyes, coaxing myself into relaxing into his embrace.
I could do that, sit here, relax, be with him. Trust him.
Trust. I could trust Edward.
I could trust him, and I loved him.
This is what love is, I told myself.
This is all that love is.
And I knew it. Love was patient and it waited and it didn’t do things to hurt. Edward would never intentionally hurt me. He wanted to care for me, protect me.
As a pair of roller skaters zoomed by, we followed their progress and then watched as a group of bikers followed. It was mundane and perfect. A completely normal thing that couples did. He kissed the top of my head and I looked up at him, wanting more. He smiled as he bent his head to give me a sweet, lingering kiss.
This was happiness.
I wasn’t going to risk it.
Six
The staggering beauty of Edward’s mansion opened up in front of me as Edward came around the corner of the long curving drive. I’d been surprised when he’d led me to the car and Paul hadn’t been waiting, but he’d told me he’d wanted time alone with me.
We’d sat on that bench in Central Park in comfortable silence for nearly thirty minutes before he had asked me if I wanted to come back to his place with him. There had been a near tangible heat in his voice as he’d asked the question.
Needing the peace of his presence as much as I'd wanted to avoid Kendra, I’d said yes.
But now I was having reservations. The closer we had gotten to his place, the more tense that quiet between us had become and I’d fought the urge to squirm. Normally, squirming around Edward signified a twitching sort of arousal, but not this time.
This wasn’t what I could call an uncomfortable kind of tension, but it was a familiar one. He kept sending me a sidelong look from the corner of his eye and I recognize those looks.
I knew what he wanted. Part of me wanted to give it to him, but another part of me felt that it would be wrong. I was lying to him. Hiding something very important from him.
Torn and conflicted, I focused on the house while questions twisted through me.
Do I tell him?
That part of me that had always tried to do the right thing was thinking that I should, but the rest of me protested.
I’ll lose him.
I was terrified of losing him. And how could I tell him? What was I supposed to say? Tell him that I’d lied? It was a lie of omission, but still, a lie. Edward had asked me what I'd been doing and even though I'd known he'd assumed I'd been out with Cody, I hadn't corrected him. I'd had a sinking sensation in my belly that he wouldn't have liked knowing that I was hanging out with Flynn. And that had led to the worst decision of my life.
He'd never forgive me, and he'd never forgive Flynn. I wouldn't just lose Edward, but I'd ruin his relationship with his brother. I'd destroy the family.
My hands were slick with sweat and my heart raced. None of it had to do with arousal, though. It was all centered on fear and nerves.
In a matter of minutes, we were inside the house and something told me we were completely alone.
“Where is everybody?” I asked as I started down the hall.
His hands stopped me by grabbing my hips. “I sent out a text after I helped you into the car.” He brushed a kiss across my cheek, fingers tightening. “I gave everybody the rest of the day off. I wanted to be alone with you.”
The sweetness of the gesture made the ache in my chest grow.
br /> He slid his hands up to cup my breast through my dress. The man knew my body and he knew it well. Bringing a response from me was child’s play and within moments, my skin was heated and I had one arm curled up and back around his neck as I arched my spine, leaning into his touch. I didn't care that we were still standing in the hallway. I needed him to touch me.
Yet there was a part of my brain that just couldn't click on. It was a bizarre sensation, part of me right there, ready and willing, truly aching for him, but another part stood aside, not involved in anything that was happening. It was like that part of me wasn’t even involved in the scene. The pleasure that other Gabriella felt didn’t belong to me. It couldn’t.
When he turned me around, I went eagerly, lifting my mouth to meet his, parting my lips for him and greedily sucking on his tongue, biting at him and demanding everything he would give and more.
I lifted my hands to tug at his tie, unbutton his shirt and push at his clothes while he dealt with mine with the same quick urgency. Even when Edward went to his knees and began to press a line of kisses from my belly button down to the curls between my thighs, I still wasn't all there.
I felt the hard tugs of pleasure when he licked my clit and then slid his tongue through the folds of my pussy and I felt the way my legs went weak and he steadied me, then eased me down onto the floor before he brought me to a sobbing climax with his mouth.
But I was still detached.
Even though I wasn’t.
That pleasure seemed to belong to somebody else, to a woman who had the right to lie there and open her arms for him, wrap her legs around his hips as he drove inside her. The right to call out his name as he moaned hers. She had the right to feel the love and tenderness he had to give her.
That woman wasn't me. I was too guilty to deserve it. Too guilty to deserve him.
Edward made love to me again downstairs, this time on the living room couch, and then we went to his bedroom and showered, having hard, driving sex against the wall while water rained down around us and we stared into each other's eyes. It had been too much, my pussy already sensitive from our previous bouts of love-making, and I'd reveled in the pain that had come with the pleasure. Even my orgasm had ridden that edge and I'd still begged him to take me harder.
The naked need in his eyes called to me and I finally felt a little more me as his fingers dug into my hips, calling bruises to my skin even as he'd called out my name. But the feeling faded when he came up behind me after we'd finished showering and brushed his hands down my sides.
“I was too rough with you,” he said, a frown marring his face as he lightly touched the bruises on my hips.
“I’m fine,” I told him, catching his wrist and holding it in place. I gave him a reassuring smile and said, “I love knowing I can push you to where you forget to be a gentleman, Edward.”
“Hmmm.” His lids dropped down low over his eyes and he came in closer, bracketing me in with his hands coming to rest on the bathroom counter on either side of my waist. “You could make me forget a lot of things, Gabriella.”
He pulled me back against him and held me close. Turning my face into his neck, I stood there in the warmth of his arms, our bodies still damp from the shower and loose from sex. I could feel his cock stirring, hardening against my butt and despite how sore I was, we might have gone again except my belly rumbled and Edward chuckled, sliding one hand around to rest on my stomach.
“I think I need to feed you,” he said softly.
He pulled away and as I was toweling my hair off, he slid out of the bathroom. When he came back, he was carrying a beautiful emerald green robe. My eyes widened when he held it out behind me.
“Here,” he murmured. “I bought this for you.”
The softness caressed my skin like a cloud and all over again, my throat wanted to lock up. I didn't deserve this man. “It’s so soft.”
He drew my hair out from under the collar, and smoothed it down while I adjusted the front and tied the belt, securing it at my waist.
“Cashmere. Almost as soft as your skin.” He kissed me again and then took my hand, guiding me into the bedroom. “You lay down, take it easy. I’m going to scrounge us up something to eat.”
He grabbed another robe from the foot of the bed, a blue one a few shades deeper than his eyes and pulled it on. He was gone in another moment and I collapsed onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling.
There weren’t any answers written there so I covered my face with my hands. I didn’t want to look at anybody or anything just then. Like a predator, the guilt snuck up on me again and I felt like it was going to eat me alive. I couldn’t deal with it, couldn’t handle it. What was I supposed to do?
Tell him, the small voice in the back of my mind whispered.
But how?
To that, I had no answer.
The sound of Edward’s voice calling out my name had me jerking up in bed and tears I hadn’t even been aware of choked me as he walked inside. I swiped at the tears, swearing silently when he came to an abrupt halt.
“Gabriella.”
I cleared my throat and focused on the window, surreptitiously wiping at the damp tracks on my face. I heard him put the tray down. From the corner of my eye, I saw as he knelt in front of me, but I didn’t turn my head to look at him.
His hands covered mine. “What’s wrong? Please don’t try to brush this aside. Did I hurt you?”
“No.” I shook my head. “No, it was amazing.”
“If…are you uncertain about the wedding? Is that it?”
“No!” Whipping my head around, I stared at him. “No, Edward, that’s not it at all.”
“Then what is it?” He moved closer, his weight leaning against my knees until I parted them, letting him come closer. Big hands caught my hips and dragged me to the edge and now we were pressed close, chest to chest, the hard, flat ridge of his belly against my crotch.
“Talk to me, love. Please.” There was a note of desperation in his voice.
“I…” Searching his face, I tried to find the words. What did I tell him? What did I say?
But the truth that had so often guided my life failed me. I’d been known for speaking my mind and telling people how it really was. But not now. “I’m just scared. Nervous. I feel…stupid. And my job, it’s winding down and I’m worrying over money and Kendra and I aren’t getting along very well and I’m just stressing, Edward. It’s a lot to deal with.”
He smoothed my hair back from my face while the understanding in his eyes made me feel like the lowest piece of slime imaginable. I’d lied. Again.
How could I do this? How could I keep doing this?
He took my hands and lifted them to his lips, staring at me with intensity in his eyes. “I understand. Well, I can’t say I know what you’re going through, but I understand that this is a lot to juggle all at once. Would…Gabriella, if you want to delay the wedding, I’m okay with it.”
“No.” I tightened my grip on his hands. I didn't even want to think what Claire would do if I tried to put things off. “That’s not what I want.”
“Then…” He stood up abruptly and picked me up, settling back down with me on his lap. He brushed my hair back and leaned in, staring into my eyes, leaning in until his forehead touched mine. “Move in with me.”
My heart hitched. Everything in me sort of froze. “Edward…?”
“I know you value your independence, but we’re getting married. Most engaged couples live together, sometimes even before they get engaged. You’ll be my wife in a few months. If you’re here, then you’ll worry less about money. Kendra is doing very well now. She’s becoming one of Bouvier’s hottest properties. She'll understand.” He brushed his thumb across my cheek as he continued to watch me. “And you already said the landlord addressed the issue about rent control. The situation isn’t what it was a few weeks ago, a month ago. Say yes, Gabriella. Please.”
How could I deny him anything when I'd fucked up so badly? I just wanted to ma
ke him happy. To make up for what I'd done.
“Yes.”
Seven
“Aren’t you moving a little fast?”
At the sound of Kendra’s voice, I closed my eyes.
I waited until I knew I could answer without snapping before I said anything. “Aren’t you the one who told me I was going to lose the best thing that ever happened to me if I wasn’t careful?”
“Yes!” She sounded exasperated.
I opened my eyes just in time to see her flopping down on the couch next to the box of clothes I'd almost finished packing. Edward had offered to have movers come in and pack my things, but I didn’t like the idea of strangers touching my underwear. As soon as I'd said that, he'd agreed. He didn't like that idea any more than I did.
“But Gabs, look.” She caught my hands just as I went to grab one of my sweaters. “Look at me. Last week, you were all down in the dumps over something. And don’t lie to me and say it was over this job that’s ending. I know you better than that. Something was really eating at you. If you aren’t ready to talk, okay, but, come on. Now you’re rushing into moving in with him?”
“We’re getting married, remember?” I held up my hand and wiggled the finger with the ring. “How is this rushing anything?”
She gave me a knowing look. “I don’t know. You tell me.”
“Well, I can’t. Because we’re not rushing.” I jerked my shoulders in a shrug, as if I hadn't already been having this conversation with myself. “This is what feels right.” Especially if I didn’t want to lose Edward, if I wanted to feel safe and secure in what we had, this was what I needed. When I was with him, everything felt right. I didn’t even think about whatever crazy shit was happening elsewhere. He was a rock, and that was what I needed. What I wanted.
“Gabriella…” Kendra’s voice trailed off.
I didn’t look at her. Tugging my hands away from hers, I went back to folding my clothes. “I’ve only got a couple of hours before the movers get here. You’re coming to the party, right?”