"That's ridiculous, especially if you want to raise a family," I said.
"I don't expect to be a good mother anyway," she told me.
It always amazed me how Belinda could face her failings and weaknesses so easily and just as easily accept them. She was beyond feeling unhappy about herself. I despised and envied her for it simultaneously. It embarrassed me to think we had come from the same mother and yet she probably wouldn't ever develop a wrinkle from worry. She would go through life on those damnable bubbles, laughing and content.
She proved that in the way she recovered from Mother's death, returning to her philandering lifestyle with zest. Her wan, pale face of sorrow returned to that radiant visage that caused her to stand out like a vibrant, blossomed rose in a garden full of mediocre flowers. Even Samuel commented about it. The house reverberated with her giggles, her quick footsteps on the stairway, her telephone calls. At times Daddy looked shocked and surprised by her lack of sorrow. However, she was the only thing that brought a small smile back to those pressed tight lips and lifted the weight from his brooding forehead. I began to think she would replace Mother in his eyes. She would restore the music and the lightness and I was actually jealous.
For her part Belinda seemed no longer jealous of the attention my impending wedding to Samuel had continued to bring to our home. She was too happy again. I was filled with suspicions and trepidations. Surely, somehow, someway she would do something that would damage the family name just before my wedding, I thought. As always, I felt like someone staring up at the ceiling, waiting to hear the sound of the second shoe dropping.
Our wedding wasn't to be held on a yacht as Belinda dreamed hers would be, but Samuel surprised me one day with plans for our honeymoon.
"I've rented a yacht for us," he said. "We'll sail down to Hilton Head. What better place to be after our wedding than on the sea, don't you agree, Olivia?" he asked hopefully.
Samuel had come to my office, something he had begun to do more and more as our wedding date drew closer. I had actually been the one to work out a merger of his father's company with ours. It was more like a whale swallowing a minnow. Our appraisers fixed a value of just under a million dollars for the Logans' company, which was mostly tied up in their boats. I negotiated directly with Samuel's father and settled on three quarters of a million as the value and then made him take 90 percent of that in our company's stock.
"Oh well," he concluded, "it's all in the family now anyway."
Regardless of my marriage, I did not have documents written to that effect. Our financial interests remained separate and clear, but I did agree to give Samuel some managerial duties at our company and he was assigned an office. He complained that it wasn't side by side with mine, but he didn't complain very vigorously.
"One day the wall between us would come down anyway," he said. "I know it's what your father would like."
"We'll see," I said.
I knew it was always in Daddy's mind that someone would marry me and evenutally take the reins of our company. It was difficult for Daddy to envision a woman running his business, despite the amount of work I did and the decisions I made. He saw me as a temporary fix to be moved-eut and relegated to the house and child rearing.
It was during this dark period of his depression and despair that I worried about his capacity to make the right decisions concerning our company. Consequently, I had our lawyers draw up documents that in effect gave me the power of attorney and once I had that, I wrote bylaws that left me with control. No man, not even my own father, who I now knew to be my stepfather, would send me home to wipe the mouths of babies and change diapers. The sooner Samuel understood that, I thought, the better off he and I would be.
"That's fine with me," I said regarding the yacht, "as long as we have good weather."
"Oh, of course, of course," he replied beaming over my agreement. "I knew you'd like the idea. It's unique.
We're not just going off to some island hotel to languish in the sun. We'll sail and fish and explore together. I'm more excited about this than the actual wedding ceremony," he admitted.
I was too, but I didn't say so. Belinda was my maid of honor and some of our cousins participated as bridesmaids. The actual event did bring some life back to Daddy. His one big decision for me was to rent the Fisherman's Club for the reception.
The week of the wedding, the detailing of our new home was being completed. Since we would go directly there after our honeymoon, I began to have my things moved to the house. For the last few months, I had been ordering furniture. Most of it had already been delivered and set up. Everyone who visited claimed it would be a showplace. Nelson jokingly referred to it as "The Cape Cod Castle." He said he even envisioned me building a moat around it someday.
"To keep the riffraff away," he added.
"Too bad you won't be able to visit then," Samuel responded and they had a good laugh about it. I was beginning to wonder if Nelson had believed I thought too much of myself to ever consider him, not that Samuel was anyone more special, and not that he had ever really given me reason to believe there was even a shred of romantic interest. I was simply always looking for a reason why the man I could have loved as passionately as a woman should love a man never gave me a chance, even the chance he had given Belinda. Irony of ironies now: he was to be my future husband's best man and would be at the altar with me, but alas, only to hand Samuel Logan the ring I wished he himself would put on my finger.
We had a spectacular day for a wedding and the weather forecast for the upcoming week was excellent for sailing. For the first time in my life, it appeared everything was going to be picture perfect. Belinda revealed she was jealous of my good fortune.
"I hope I have a day as beautiful as this when I get married," she said, fluttering about the house, dressing herself, charging in and out of my room to make a suggestion about my hair, my makeup, and then rushing back to make some changes in her own hairdo. Anyone would have thought it was her wedding day and not mine. She was far more nervous and finally realized it, pausing as I calmly adjusted my wedding dress bodice.
"Aren't you excited?" she cried.
"Of course," I said calmly.
"You don't act it. You act like you're going to some business dinner. You're getting married today. Married!"
"People get married every day. There are probably fifty weddings going on right this moment," I said dryly.
"That's a silly thing to say. No one's getting married today but That's the way you should think. Who cares about anyone else? When I get married, the whole world's going to know it and stop to take notice."
"I bet it will," I said, but she didn't hear my sarcasm. Instead, she continued to flutter about me like a hummingbird until I finally had to tell her to go look after Daddy and stop worrying about me.
"I swear, Olivia," she said wagging her head, "you've got ice in your veins instead of blood."
She ran off to see about Daddy and I gazed at myself in the mirror. Did I have ice in my veins instead of blood? Was there something wrong with me because I wasn't giggling and taking deep breaths to calm my wild nerves? Even the thought of leaving this house didn't affect me as deeply as I had anticipated. I had grown up here, spent all my private hours in this room, dreamed and planned, had all my private little talks with Mother, and now, just like that, I was going to walk out that door, get into a limousine, be driven to a church and recite vows that would take me forever and ever away from these four walls. I should be shedding some tears, I thought. Where are my tears?
I leaned closer to the mirror and inspected my eyes. They were dry, bright and alert, hardly the eyes of someone struggling with emotion.
"Ready?" I heard and turned to see Daddy in his tuxedo standing in the doorway. "Today I give away my daughter. You look beautiful, Olivia. Your mother should have lived to see this."
"Thank you, Daddy. You look very handsome and distinguished."
"Only for you," he said with a sigh. "Well, then, I gue
ss we're about ready. It's time."
I gazed at myself one last time and then started out, pausing in the doorway to look back at the bed and the furniture, the pictures and the curtains.
"It's going to be pretty empty around here with you gone, Olivia," Daddy remarked when he saw where my eyes lingered.
"I'll be here often, Daddy. You know that, and you'll be at my home often, too."
"Aye, but I'm not the sort who interferes in other people's lives, especially my daughter's," he said.
"You won't be interfering."
He nodded.
"Are we going?" we heard Belinda cry frantically. "I haven't done my makeup properly yet!"
"Do it in the limousine," I said. "You'll still be doing it as I walk down the aisle anyway."
Daddy laughed and Belinda moaned and complained, but followed us down the stairs and out the door.
Carmelita and Jerome stood by smiling and complimenting me on my appearance. They congratulated Daddy and we got into the limousine.
As we drove off, I glanced back only once and focused on the windows I knew were in Mother's bedroom. In my imagination I saw the curtains part and her smiling face as she threw me a kiss. There were tears of joy. I sucked in my breath, swallowed a small moan and looked out the side window at the passing scenery, my mind on nothing at all. Finally, I realized what I was doing. I was so in a daze, I hardly heard Belinda's constant stream of babble, her complaints and worries about how she would look in pictures. She badgered Daddy, drawing compliments from him until she finally appeared satisfied with herself.
"Look at all the people!" she cried as we approached the church. "I'm as excited as I would be on my own wedding day and I don't even have a steady boyfriend these days!"
"Would you like to change places with me?" I challenged.
She raised her eyebrows, looked at Daddy, and laughed.
"Hardly," she said. "I'm going to marry a movie star or a musician, not some boring businessman."
"Your father's a businessman," I reminded her.
"That's different," she said gazing at me with that sweet, flirtatious little smile. "He's my father."
She said it firmly, almost as if she somehow knew that he wasn't mine.
As Daddy escorted me down the aisle, some of the people who looked up at me from their pews still wore faces of disbelief. Even the sight of me in my wedding gown, the organ playing, the minister waiting at the altar with Samuel and Nelson standing by, both looking handsome and distinguished, the mountain of flowers, the bridesmaids, none of it wiped the incredulous looks off their skeptical faces. I could see the questions and hear the gossip. How did Olivia Gordon win the heart of a man as handsome as Samuel Logan? Did her father buy her a husband? Green eyes of young unattached women still waiting for their dream lovers and perfect husbands glared at me. I gazed straight ahead, defiant and secure.
Nelson wore that impish grin on his lips as I stepped up to the altar. Samuel was beaming, his shoulders straight, his chest out. The guests fell into a hush as the minister began the ceremony, the recitation of words and the prayers and promises that would bind me forever to this man and this man to me.
As I recited my vows, I let my eyes shift so I could see Nelson standing there and I fantasized for a moment that it was he and not Samuel I was marrying. When he handed Samuel the wedding ring, he leaned over to give me a kiss on the cheek. It wasn't part of the rehearsal. I heard a few gasps behind me, and my heart jumped and fluttered as a hot blush stung my face. Samuel didn't appear to notice, or if he did, he thought it was he who had filled me with excitement.
The exchange of rings occurred and the words were spoken. When the minister pronounced us man and wife, the organ player began and there were cheers. Samuel kissed me and I kept my eyes closed so I could imagine they were Nelson's lips. Then we hurried up the aisle as children and some of the adults rained rice over us.
We got into the limousine quickly and were rushed away to prepare for the wedding reception. Samuel looked so happy. His eyes were like two small bulbs, full of brightness and joy.
"Well Mrs. Logan," he declared. "I bet all this feels like a dream to you."
"Yes," I admitted. "That it does."
"Should I pinch you?"
"No, Samuel. That's quite all right. I'll pinch myself if I feel the need," I said and he laughed and threw his arm around me, drawing me closer to him. I closed my eyes and for the first time wondered if I could really be a wife.
The reception was elegant and gay. I couldn't imagine how the months and months of planning Nelson's and his fiancee's parents were taking would have made it much better. The caterers did a wonderful job. We spared no expense and had prime rib, lobster, shrimp, turkey, clams and pasta, beautiful plates of vegetables and fruit, and the fanciest desserts. The decorators had turned the room into a wonderland of flowers and glitter. Our orchestra, played well, and all the guests we wanted and expected were there. It was at least as nice as Nelson's engagement party. Whenever anyone complimented us on the reception, Samuel turned to me and gave me all the credit.
"She's the one," he said, "who planned it all. I've been too busy working on our home. There's not a more competent woman in all of New England," he declared.
"You couldn't ask for a more loyal subject," Nelson kidded me when he overheard Samuel commending me.
"I could ask for you," I shot back and he widened his eyes and then laughed and performed an emphatic European bow.
"No need to ask, Madam. I shall always be a loyal subject," he declared and once again, asked me to dance while his fiancee was occupied.
"However, I do now need to ask for Samuel's permission. You are his wife," he said and turned to Samuel.
"I'm his wife, but I'm still an individual," I interrupted. Nelson looked at Samuel who was already distracted by conversation, shrugged, and held out his arms into which I gladly went. In my mind we floated on that dance floor. However, when I opened my eyes and looked to the right, I saw Belinda staring at us and smiling. Instantly, I stiffened.
Later, before Samuel and I left for the yacht, Belinda came up to me to whisper in my ear.
"Maybe you got married too fast, Olivia. Maybe there was still a chance."
"Whatever are you talking about, Belinda? I'm sure it's something silly," I added quickly so she would say no more. "Just look after Daddy while I'm away. You have more responsibilities at the house now."
"What?" she snapped. "We still have Carmelita and Jerome."
"I'm not talking about the daily chores. I'm talking about looking after Daddy."
"Daddies have to look after their daughters, not daughters their daddies," she sang. "Have a fun time on your boat, Olivia, and tell me everything when you return."
She hugged me and then flew off to dance with Arnold. "Ready?" Samuel asked.
"Yes. I just want to say good-bye to my father," I said gazing after Belinda. She was batting her eyes at Nelson now. I saw him hide a smile.
I pulled Daddy away from his conversation to tell him I was leaving.
"You looked absolutely beautiful in church today, Olivia. Your mother would have been proud," he said. "Thank you, Daddy."
"Have a wonderful honeymoon and don't worry about a thing back here, okay?I'll be fine and the business will be fine."
"I hope so, Daddy," I said gazing at Belinda again. She was drinking too much champagne and I mentioned it to Daddy.
"It will be all right," Daddy assured me. "I'll keep my eye on her," he muttered.
We hugged and then I gave my hand to Samuel. We waved good-bye at everyone and left the reception. The limousine took us to the dock where our yacht and crew waited.
"This idea looks better and better to me, Olivia," Samuel said as we boarded and were directed to our cabin. "After something like that, it's good to go off on our own and have nothing but the sea, eh?"
"Yes, Samuel," I said. I did think it was a good idea.
"Let's change and go aft to watch the shoreline d
isappear," he suggested and started to take off his tuxedo. He was about to undress in front of me and he expected I would do the same, but I wasn't ready. I found what I wanted to wear and went into the bathroom to change.
"I like that," he said when I came out. "Modesty makes the promise of our intimacy that much more special," he declared. Then he smiled. "From now on, my dear Olivia, we will have nothing to hide from each other, least of all, our bodies."
I tried to smile, too, but my heart was pounding too hard and fast. Maybe Belinda was right; maybe she was better off preparing herself for this sort of day. Samuel took my hand and led me to the deck where we sat on lounge chairs, were waited upon by a crew member, and watched the shore slip behind us as we set out to sea and truly, for a new life,
We drank some wine and watched the sun go down. "Tired?" he asked.
"Yes. It's been quite a day."
"An exciting day. I'm very, very happy, Olivia. I promise I'll be a good husband and father." He laughed. "I know if I stray an inch, you'll let me know, too."
"Whatever you do, you should do because you want to do it, Samuel, and not because I might get angry."
"Of course," he said. He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. "Shall we go to bed, my darling Mrs. Logan?"
I took a deep breath, gazed up at the first visible star and nodded. We went below to our cabin. As soon as we entered, Samuel turned me to him and kissed me full on the lips, his arms around my waist. He held me so long, had to protest that I couldn't breathe.
"Sorry," he said. "I'm just excited. I've waited a long time for this day."
"A long time? Hardly, a long time, Samuel. Look how long Nelson Childs is waiting to get married and go on a honeymoon."
"Oh," he said laughing, "Nelson's been on his honeymoon already, I assure you. You always wanted us to wait, and so, here we are after the waiting. Shall I help you?" he asked bringing his fingers to the buttons of my blouse.