I started to drift off when I heard what sounded like a key go into the lock on my bedroom door. I opened my eyes and listened and then I saw the door open.
"Who's there?" I cried sitting up as the light spilled in from the hallway.
"Only your husband," Samuel said with a short, cold laugh. "Remember me?"
"You have a key to my room? What are you doing?"
He approached the bed, wearing a robe and then he undid the belt of the robe and let it fall to the floor. He was naked.
"Samuel, you stop this. You turn right around."
"I won't be denied my rights," he declared and crawled into the bed beside me. I tried to get out on the other side, but he seized me around the waist and held me tightly to him. I could smell the brandy on his breath. It nearly turned my stomach.
"Samuel!"
"You just forgot how good it could be, Olivia. I'm here to help revive your memory," he said and laughed.
I tried to push him away, but he was too strong and too determined.
"I swear if you don't cooperate, I'll tell everyone. I'll tell your father. I'll tell your sister. I will," he promised. "And you know what a big mouth she has. I'll even tell Nelson," he added, "so he won't tease me anymore."
My breath caught and my heart stopped and started.
There was nothing to do but stop resisting and lay back. Once I did that, he was at me like a sailor stranded in his boat for weeks who had run out of fresh water and finally been given a glass.
"There," he said after he had spent himself in me, "wasn't that good? Aren't you sorry you've not had more of it?"
I turned my back to him.
"You don't have to thank me," he muttered.
The next day I tried to be angry, but he behaved as if we were getting along just fine. He was full of laughter and jokes and jolly with everyone. When I returned home that night, I was shocked to discover that the lock on the adjoining door had been removed.
I started to complain and he put up his hand. "Nelson Childs told me it's grounds for divorce," he said.
"What? You told Nelson? You had no right to tell anyone our private affairs. How dare you?"
"What difference does it make now, Olivia? That's over. We're really like husband and wife again. No more walls and locks between us. Right? Right," he said answering his own question.
He came to me twice more that month and quite often after that until I realized I was pregnant again. It seemed to be what he wanted the most.
"We're going to have another boy," he declared when he heard. "I just know it."
I used my pregnancy as an excuse to keep him out of my room and this time, he didn't protest when I had the lock returned. He didn't want to do anything to endanger the child.
A month later, Louise Childs gave birth to a boy they named Kenneth and Nelson and Samuel celebrated into the wee hours of the morning. I heard him come home and collapse in his bed. Slowly I rose and went to the adjoining door. Opening it, I looked in at him sprawled out, still in his clothes. He reeked of whiskey and cigars. I heard him groan.
"Where have you been?"
"What? Oh," he said smiling, "my wife has come to me? Tha's somethin' she said she'd never, never do. See, it worked. She does want me."
"Stop it. You're disgusting. I don't suppose Nelson got this drunk."
"Nelson?" He laughed. "They carried him home. Tha's how drunk your precious perfect Nelson Childs got."
"He's not my precious perfect Nelson Childs," I said stepping back. Samuel laughed.
"Come here," he said reaching up for me.
"Stop it!"
I turned, frightened. He struggled to stand and fell back on his bed.
"You get over here, Olivia Gordon Logan. Your husband wants you."
"My husband is a drunken fool," I snapped back at him.
"Huh?"
"Go to sleep and don't complain to me how you feel in the morning," I said, quickly retreating and locking the door behind me. I heard him laugh and then fall to the floor. A little while after that, he was pounding at the adjoining door.
"Samuel, you'll wake everyone. Stop," I cried. He continued to pound on the door. I had to get up and unlock it. He stumbled, swayed and stepped into my room.
"I demand my conjugal rights," he said raising his right forefinger. He walked to my bed and fell across it on his face. I lifted his feet up, took off his shoes and threw his legs over the bed. Then I put on my robe and went down to our guest room, leaving him groaning there in his drunken stupor.
He was quite ashamed of himself and apologetic the next morning. I let him wallow in his remorse and gave him the silent treatment. Of all that he had done and said, his remark about "my precious perfect Nelson" frightened me the most. I had never done anything or said anything to give Samuel the impression I had strong feelings toward Nelson. From what well of knowledge did he draw that pail of truth, I wondered.
It wouldn't be long before I tracked it to Belinda, who in her innocent little way enjoyed planting the seeds of trouble in my world to see what crop of pain she could grow for me. Apparently, despite my anger, the harvest had only just begun.
14
A Life and a Death
.
My second pregnancy was much more difficult
than my first, perhaps because I had really not intended for it to happen this soon and part of me resented having been forced to carry another child. It made me feel helpless, unable to control my own destiny. Whatever Samuel wanted he would get despite my opinion. This was beyond opinion. He had literally forced himself on me at times. It wasn't possible for a wife to say no to her husband when it came to sexual relations. He couldn't be accused of rape.
I think Samuel believed that another child would cause me to lessen my work responsibilities and give him the opportunity to become more important at our company. He expected that I would eventually relegate myself to running our home and rearing our children, much the way Louise Childs did. I knew that despite the facade he put on, it bothered him that I was doing so much more than he was. His friends, perhaps Nelson most of all, kidded him about being Mr. Gordon rather than me being Mrs. Logan, but I wasn't about to put any of our business interests in jeopardy just to satisfy the needs of Samuel's male ego.
After my third month, I suffered severe back pains and had more trouble with my digestion. I didn't gain weight so much as I became bloated and retained water. It got so I had to leave work earlier than I wanted day after day to go home and rest, and then in my sixth month, I had terrific abdominal pain and began to bleed so profusely, the inside of my shoes got soaked. I had pains that resembled contractions. It was even hard for me to breathe.
Samuel, who was at a luncheon with some clients, was called back to the office and then helped rush me to the hospital. I did not, as I suspected I would, abort. However, Doctor Covington put me on a very restrictive regimen.
"If you want this child, Olivia," he warned, his face as austere as a hell and damnation preacher's, "you'll have to spend more time on your back. Sitting for hours and hours behind a desk and traveling about is just out of the question at this point. Your pregnancy is in great jeopardy."
I found myself being treated like an invalid, rolled out in a wheelchair and helped along like someone who couldn't stand on her own two feet. Going up and down the stairs in the house was strictly forbidden. For the remaining term of my pregnancy, I was confined to my bedroom. That would be my little world.
Samuel seemed to enjoy my new-found helplessness. Now, instead of my going to the office every morning, he went and he took my calls and met with our clients. A number of times, I had to change or amend things he had done on his own. He wasn't happy about this and complained.
"No one treats me with respect, Olivia. They think everything I do, you'll change," he whined.
"I have to change what has to be changed, Samuel," I said firmly.
"Well, it makes everything so difficult. They don't know who's in charge," he conti
nued.
"As long as I'm able to think, I'm in charge of what my father and I have created, Samuel," I said. "I didn't do so badly up until now, did I?"
He reluctantly admitted I was right, but I saw how unhappy it made him that even though I was on my back, I could still have a heavy hand in everything that we did and had to do. I never relinquished the need for my signature, for one thing, which meant nothing was official without it.
I regretted not being able to visit with Daddy as often as I wanted. Samuel actually brought him over once, but I had the feeling the two of them were in a conspiracy, hoping to force me to release my iron grip on our business affairs. When Daddy started to take Samuel's side, I threatened to get up and go to the office if either of them ever brought up the matter again.
"In fact," I said throwing my legs over the side of the bed and finding my slippers, "I think I'll just take a ride over there right now and see what else has to be done."
"No, you don't, Olivia," Daddy said. "You don't endanger my new grandchild. I'm hoping it will be a girl," he said. "I understand you and Samuel have already decided to name her after your mother."
When Daddy put it like that, I couldn't force the issue. I lay back, but I felt as though there were invisible chains around my ankles and neck. Doctor Covington came to examine me once a week, and even though I told him I was feeling a lot better, he still insisted I remain as inactive as possible.
"You're only feeling this way because you listened to me, Olivia," he said. "You don't have that much longer to go before you give birth. Don't make trouble for yourself and your baby at this late date," he admonished. Samuel stood behind him, gloating. I never realized just how much he resented my being stronger than he was.
When Belinda heard what was happening, she called to express her sisterly concern. Her voice dripped with syrupy false love.
"I should come home and help you," she declared. "I feel sorry for you."
"There's nothing you can do here except spend time with Daddy," I said. "Loretta takes care of all my needs. Thelma is looking after Jacob quite well. It's just Daddy who needs more tender loving care."
"Oh. Well, maybe I shouldn't just walk out on my schooling. I'm almost finished, but if you need me . . ."
"Don't worry. I'll call you," I said. "Is everything all right? There are no surprises waiting for Daddy and me, are there, Belinda?"
"Whatever do you mean, Olivia? You've seen my school reports and you've called Cousin Paula every week since I left, haven't you? Don't deny it," she added before I could respond. "I know you've been spying on me. For all I know, you've hired a private detective to keep an eye on me."
"That's not true, Belinda."
"Well, I'm glad to hear that," she said with a little giggle. There was definitely something in her voice that suggested she had done something of which she knew I would never approve. I regretted not doing what she had suspected: hiring a detective to watch over her. Now that she had mentioned it, it would have been a good idea.
However, I thought, in my condition and present state of mind, it was no good for me to spend any time worrying about her. Whatever she's done, she's done, I thought, and let that be the end of it. Maybe she's run off and married someone. Wouldn't Daddy and I be fortunate.
On Tuesday of the second week of my eighth month, Loretta came upstairs to tell me I had a visitor. It was a little after eleven in the morning and I had just gotten off the phone with Samuel, reviewing some of the problems he had to deal with during the day. He hated my calls. I could easily envision him sitting there with a sharp grimace cut into his face, his forehead resting on his hand as if he had the world's worst migraine.
"I have a visitor?" I asked. I had no idea who it could be. Salesmen and the like were never permitted to come to the house. "Who?"
"Mr. Childs," she said. "I told him I would see if you could entertain anyone this morning. He's waiting downstairs," she added.
"Nelson?"
"I don't know his first name, ma'am."
"He's not an older man, is he?" I snapped at her impatiently. How could she live in Provincetown and not know who Nelson Childs was?
"No," she said.
"Very well, send him up," I said. "No, wait. Hand me that mirror there," I said pointing to the small silver-framed mirror on the vanity table. Because I was confined to home, I did little or nothing with my hair and wore no makeup. I knew my face was rounder, my lips looking like they were filled with air. I hadn't washed my hair for days. It resembled a mop with the strands hanging limply. I had Loretta get me a scarf to hide most of it, and then I put on some lipstick before I sent her out to send Nelson up to me.
What a surprise, I thought. Did Samuel know Nelson was coming? He didn't mention it on the phone. Why did Nelson come without his wife? I heard his footsteps on the stairway and straightened out my blanket as I sat up in anticipation. Nelson and I hadn't been alone together for some time. I couldn't stand how nervous I was. I was like some schoolgirl. My fingers were actually trembling.
Get hold of yourself, Olivia Logan, I ordered. He's only a man.
"Olivia," he cried coming through the doorway. He wore a dark blue, double-breasted pinstripe suit with a bright blue tie. His hair was styled and full and he looked tan, his eyes more hazel than ever. "I'm so sorry I haven't been to see you before this," he said approaching the bed. He leaned over to kiss my cheek.
"Hello, Nelson."
"I've been involved in a complicated case that took me to the Bahamas for weeks."
"I didn't know you were away," I said. "The Bahamas? No wonder you look so healthy."
He laughed.
"Well, all work and no play makes for a dull attorney." He stood back and shook his head, a big, fat smile on his face.
"What?"
"It seems so incongruous to see the iron lady of Cape Cod laid up," he declared. "I must say you look better than I had expected."
"I'm no iron lady, Nelson," I replied. "I'm made of flesh and blood and have feelings like most women you know."
"Don't be silly. You're not anything like most women I know, Olivia. Most don't have half your capabilities." He looked at the chair. "Mind if I sit awhile?"
"No, please," I said and he pulled the chair closer. "How is Louise?" I asked.
"Oh, she's fine. She would have come along too, but she's busy with the children. One right after the other," he said with a shrug. "That's the way she wanted it."
"Really? Then it was all planned?" I asked, thinking about my own situation.
"Oh yes," he said, crossing his legs and sitting back.
"Well," I said after a pregnant pause, "I appreciate your stopping by, Nelson, but," I continued, studying him a little more intently, "why is it I have the feeling you've come for more than just to see how I am?"
He shook his head and laughed.
"You are amazing, Olivia. I am here to discuss something, but you're wrong, too. I was concerned about your health and the baby and I did want to stop in and see how you were. So wipe off that mask of suspicion and widen those narrow eyes." He laughed, nervously. "You make me feel like a teenager caught smoking in the boys' room or something."
"Well, go on, say your piece, ask your question, make your proposal, whatever," I ordered.
He straightened up.
"You know I handled the Bennington
distribution deal for your company, something your father had begun with my father and something I finished."
"Yes, I'm aware of that," I said disappointed that I had been right about him coming for something other than a personal call.
"I stopped at the office this morning to say hello to Samuel and bring some papers over and he told me I might as well bring them here. You won't let him sign anything."
"I haven't given him that authority, no," I said. "Where are the papers?"
"Oh, it's really nothing that couldn't wait, Olivia. I'm not here on business. I'm here for personal reasons; I'm here as a friend. Remember, we pledged
to always be friends?" he asked.
"Yes, I remember, Nelson," I said closing my eyes and then folding my lips into a small smile. "Go on, be my friend," I challenged.
"I swear . . . I'm here because I've become concerned about Samuel, Olivia," he blurted after a slight pause. "Samuel? Why?"
"He . . . he's not his old self these days and I think it's because you have him on such a short leash."
"What?" I didn't know whether to laugh or scream. "Who came up with that? Short leash?"
"I did, myself. He needs to be given more authority, more responsibility. Some of our mutual friends call him your errand boy and it's bruising him. There's just so much a man's ego can suffer before his whole personality suffers."
I stared for a moment in silence.
"I hope you're not offended by my concern, but . . ." "Did Samuel ask you to come here and plead for him this morning?" I demanded.
"Absolutely not," Nelson said with his hand raised as if he were being sworn in as a court witness. "I decided completely on my own to do this. I wanted to express to you how much confidence I have in Samuel and I thought it would be much better for your marriage if . . ."
"Nelson," I said slowly, "how would you like it if I went to see Louise and gave her some advice about how she treats you? How would Louise like it?" I asked.
"You and Louise don't have the relationship we have, Olivia," he said.
"What relationship?"
"Our friendship," he said. "The last thing I want to do here is upset you," he added quickly. He reached out to take my hand. "Please believe that."
I looked at my hand in his and felt my heart flutter.
"I'm not upset, Nelson. I'm . . . just surprised." I looked up at him. He looked so sincere, so concerned. Was he coming here pleading for Samuel only as a way to get closer to me?
"Maybe I shouldn't be so surprised. Maybe there is something more between you and me. Maybe we've always known that," I said very softly.
"Yes, there is. You're very bright and you've always been honest with me, even to the point of telling me off when you had to," he said smiling. "I thought it would be all right for me to tell you what I thought. I am very fond of Samuel and of you," he added. "I am, Olivia. You're probably the one woman, aside from my wife of course, whom I respect the most in this town. I've always been impressed with you."