I frowned up at him, amazed. "You actually believe that."
He frowned back at me.
"Jimmy, you're more than just a pretty face. You've got a beautiful voice." And I should know. He sang me to sleep on my iPod most nights. "God, how many Grammys have you won?"
"That's a popularity contest as much as anything." He licked his lips. "Are you?"
"Am I what?"
"Are you happy with the way you look?"
For once, I took my own advice and actually thought before moving my lips. "Obviously not given our conversation of a moment ago. But I try to be. It's not always easy with all the media representations of beauty, blah, blah, blah. I'm never going to be six feet tall with legs up to my armpits, and as you said, I like pie. I'm not willing to rule out eating it for the next fifty years just to have less dimples on my thighs. Little pleasures matter."
"Yeah, they do." A ghost of a smile touched his lips. "My going-out-wise, I don't want to fall back into bad habits. Sex, drugs, alcohol, they all went together for me. If you're changing your life, stopping the destructive shit, then you have to know what your triggers are."
"You haven't had sex since you dried out?"
"No."
"Really?"
"Yep."
My eyes felt as wide as they could possibly be and then some. "Oh."
Wow, extreme, but it had obviously worked. The man had conviction. In truth, his openness and honesty stunned me. I guess he was serious about my deprogramming.
"You never drank or did drugs when you were alone?"
He flinched. "Yeah, I did. That's why you or one of the guys are usually around, just in case."
"We're not all the time. But you've still stuck to it," I pointed out. "I think it takes real courage to do what you've done, to turn your life around."
He scowled. "Don't make excuses for me, Lena. I am not a nice person. I fucked my brother's first girlfriend. Did you know that?"
I shook my head.
"Yeah, broke his heart. I was so jealous of him I could barely breathe. I lied. I cheated. I stole. I destroyed everything that meant anything to me and hurt everyone around me. I blacked out constantly, OD'ed twice, nearly died. What do you think that did to them ... to the guys? Visiting me in the hospital, seeing me like that?" He looked everywhere but at me.
A cold wind blew between us.
"That's the truth, that's who I am. Don't make excuses for me. I'm still the same moody selfish fuck I ever was, sober or not." His breathing hastened even though we stood still. "Thing is, you're never going to have much of a life being at my beck and call. You're better off away from me, and I know that, and I still don't care. That, Lena, is who I am."
I had nothing.
Jimmy about-faced and headed for home.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Thanksgiving dinner for the band happened Thanksgiving Eve. I'd given mom many excuses about why I couldn't go home. Luckily she'd accepted them.
Everyone gathered at Mal and Anne's new condo, opposite David and Ev's old one. Old as in they'd lived there for six months or so. Both places were gorgeous with lots of shiny, expensive, and new, much as you'd expect. The balconies looked out over the Pearl District. Very nice.
A picture of Lori, Mal's mom, took up prime position on the mantelpiece. Jimmy had lingered over it when we first arrived, just taking a moment. His brother had approached after a time and they'd quietly talked. I don't think anyone's pain over losing her was going away anytime soon.
Apparently, Ben hadn't told a soul about my announcement to quit. I appreciated his discretion immensely. Jimmy had barely spoken since our talk yesterday. He had unfortunately hammered again on my door at dawn this morning and tossed tennis shoes at me, however. I dragged my sorry self around behind him, sweating all the way. Hard to say exactly how far we went, it all blended into pointless agony after the first few yards. Later in the day, a beautician-masseuse-type person arrived to pamper me, thus fulfilling another of the points on the list. I have to admit, those three hours of bliss paid for by Jimmy made up for a lot of jogging.
Not all of it. But a lot. It felt like a silent apology or perhaps encouragement on his part. Or maybe it was just another lure into convincing me to stay.
Now he sat opposite me, hair artfully in his face. Aesthetically, the man reigned supreme as king throughout the land. Whether I cared to pretend he was my type or not, it couldn't be denied. He always seemed so polished, so perfect, you could almost ignore the chaos and pain living inside of him. But the things he'd said to me kept turning around and around inside my head. God, he'd screwed over his own brother. No wonder things seemed strained between them sometimes.
Around me, dinner conversation went on. None of it fascinated me half as much as Jimmy. He was such a dichotomy of good and evil, beautiful and bad.
He'd ditched his black woolen jacket at the door, rolled up the sleeves of a vaguely patterned button-down shirt. My own style was more sedate consisting of ankle boots, skinny jeans, and a long knit top. When it came to throwing an outfit together, he had me beat. He shifted, leaning an elbow on the table. Such thick wrists, I'd never noticed before but his hands must be strong. When we'd fought over the cigarette packet, though, he'd been gentle. As gentle as you could be rolling around on the floor with someone. The memory of his weight on top of me filled my mind. Thank god there'd been no more smoking. He'd given me his word and stuck to it. A mishmash of tattoos covered his right arm. There was a star, a heart, flames, and words. I'd love to get closer and study them, really take my time over them. I took a sip of water, my dry throat needing relief. Higher up, the top two buttons of his shirt lay undone and a few fine dark chest hairs peeked out.
Nice.
The jerk also wore seriously thick-soled boots. Something made apparent to me when one descended upon my innocent unsuspecting toes.
I yelped.
"Anne's talking to you, Lena," he said.
Shit. I'd been staring at him again. His fault. If he'd sat beside, instead of across from me, it never would have happened. I tried to kick him back but my foot swung aimlessly, coming into contact with nothing but thin air. Screw him and his long legs.
"Jimmy, did you just kick her?" asked Ev, mouth pursed.
"No," he lied.
Ev turned curious eyes to me as if I could be expected to tell the truth.
"That would be a petty and juvenile thing for him to do. But no, I just sat up a bit too fast," I said. "Guess I got overexcited."
"She does that sometimes," Jimmy confirmed. "A real excitable girl is our Lena."
I showed him my prettiest forced smile.
Down the other end of the table, Anne's mom, the guest of honor, frowned good and hard. Good impression gone. And everyone had been trying so hard not to swear, let alone act crazy. Well everyone apart from psycho puppy Killer who had long since been banished to his crate for some quiet time. Ben was likewise in disgrace for having stirred him up in the first place. He, however, got to stay at the table. The dog should complain about the double standard. It was in all honesty wildly unfair.
Jimmy cleared his throat, loudly, summoning all of the table's attention. "Don't think I told you guys. Lena's been talking about leaving."
Boom! I'd been ambushed.
Whats, whys, and general sounds of displeasure filled the room. Far more than I'd ever anticipated. From the other side of the table, Jimmy gave me a smirk, followed by a well-what-the-fuck-did-you-expect look. I countered it with my you-asshole-that-was-an-unnecessary-and-shitty-thing-to-do-to-me gaze. It seemed we could communicate entirely without words.
Awesome.
"No-o-o," said Mal from the head of the table. "C'mon, Lena. Why would you quit? You're the only one that fit in with us and didn't annoy the living shit out of Jim. You have no idea how rare a species that makes you."
A sea of sad faces surrounded me. Well, apart from Anne's mom, she just played with her food. Even Anne's sister Lizzy seemed down at the news and we'
d met twice, maybe? This level of attachment was as surprising as it was heartwarming.
Tears stung my eyes as loneliness sucker punched me. I hadn't even realized I'd been lonely but the way these people cared caught me by surprise. They actually wanted me around.
"What the fuck did you do?" David bitched at his brother.
The smirk fell from Jimmy's face.
"Nothing," I said, my defensive mode instantly fully engaged on his behalf. "Jimmy didn't do anything. I just thought it might be time to move on. I haven't fully decided yet."
Cue the intense staring competition between the brothers. Apparently, Jimmy won because David turned away first, brow heavily furrowed. Emotive brows obviously run in the Ferris family.
"What is it you do, Lena?" asked Anne's mom. Jan, that was her name. She looked to be about fifty with faded strawberry blond hair.
"She's my sobriety companion and assistant," Jim said without hesitation. "She stops me drinking. Keeps me clean."
People quieted, looked elsewhere. Jan's mouth gaped like a goldfish but nothing was said. Given the few things I'd heard from Anne about her mom, Jan should be the last person judging anyone. She hadn't exactly won parent of the year anytime in the last twenty.
Normally, we didn't discuss Jimmy's problems in mixed company, or much at all for that matter. The whole world knew every sordid detail so there was no real need. When he'd gone into rehab, news of his downfall had been everywhere, but apparently somehow Jan had missed it.
The silence stretched out and opposite me Jimmy tensed seeming to distance himself. Arctic eyes stared off into nothing. Perhaps people were embarrassed by his history, as if everyone else was flawless. He'd fallen further than most, true, but he'd crawled his way back up again, too. Strength came in many forms. I'd always assumed the subject of his addictions lay dormant due to his need for privacy. This silence, however, felt wrong, it rankled me.
Why the hell didn't someone say something? Someone like me perhaps.
"I've enjoyed working for Jimmy." I folded up my napkin, placed it on the table. "I still do. The issue is mine, not his."
His gaze warmed slightly, his still face returning to life.
"What is the issue?" asked David.
"It's personal. I'd rather not discuss it."
"She needs to get a life is the problem." Jimmy said, pushing back from the table, giving himself some space. "She needs to mix things up a bit. Being with me all the time isn't necessarily the party you'd imagine."
David half smiled.
"She's bored?" Anne studied me from three seats down. "We can fix bored."
And all of this gave me a very bad feeling. "Guys, this is a personal decision, not a group project. Thank you for caring, but--"
"No, pumpkin." Mal studied me over the top of his glass of red wine. "I don't think she's bored so much as she needs a friend. A special friend, if you know what I mean."
"I swear, that's you guys' answer to everything." Ev laughed.
"Hey, now. Everyone needs someone special to fuck and cuddle. There is no shame in that," said Mal, ignoring the startled little gasp from Anne's mom. Anne didn't seem concerned either, interestingly enough. "And Lena needs someone who isn't Jimmy for obvious reasons."
Down the table, David sat up in his seat. "Why not Jim?"
"Because she works for me?" Interjected my boss, tugging at the collar of his shirt. Seemed he didn't like being the topic of conversation as much as he enjoyed throwing me to the wolves. Too bad, buddy.
"Davie, please." Mal continued on as if Jimmy hadn't spoken. "Stop and think about this. Everyone he sleeps with ends up hating him."
"That's not true," said Jimmy.
"No? Name one woman you've banged that still talks to you."
Time crept on, but Jimmy did not respond, and no one else came to his rescue either.
"My point exactly. You do no aftercare and it shows." Mal turned back to David. "He doesn't even have the common courtesy to pretend to be interested in hooking up again. Doesn't take the phone number or anything. It's just plain rude."
"That's appalling," I said, enjoying myself immensely. It was only by the grace of god that I managed to avoid having Jimmy's boot connect with my toes a second time. He missed, hitting one of the legs of my chair instead. I mocked him greatly with my eyes.
"And you!" Mal pointed his finger at me. "You're always giving him shit. You can't help yourself. You two have your little tiffs now and it's all cute and funny and we can all laugh at you behind your backs about it. But, Davie, man. Imagine if they were actually playing hide the sausage. We'd be spending every holiday listening to them bicker and carry on at the table, making a scene. It's just not on."
My mouth hung open.
"Whatever happens, you two must not bump uglies. I want your word on this." Cue more finger pointing from Mal, this time with the added benefit of waggling. "It would make life impossible for us all."
Anne's mom fled the table.
"When did I ever say Lena and me were getting together?" With a long groan, Jimmy looked to the heavens for help. "Someone shut him up. Shoot him or something, anything."
Ben scratched at his head. "Lena and Jim do fight a lot."
David and Ev just looked mildly perplexed.
"So, hang on, should I be going or staying," I asked. "I can't keep up."
"Oh you can't go," continued Mal. "Anybody, when was the last time Jim even had a friend, outside of us, who wasn't either using with him or supplying him, hmm?"
After a moment, David shook his head. "Honestly can't remember."
"Back in school, maybe," said Ben. "That kid who played roadie for us senior year?"
"God, you're right," said Ev, eyes bright with some emotion. "Lena's his only friend. We can't let her leave."
"She's not my only friend." Color rose in Jimmy's cheeks.
"Quiet, Jimmy," ordered Mal. "The adults are talking."
"But I don't know if them getting together's a good idea either," said Ben.
"Or maybe you and Mal should mind your own business." David slipped an arm around Ev's shoulders.
"What couple doesn't fight?" asked Anne.
"But she baits him, pumpkin," said Mal. "I've seen her. She thinks it's funny to stir him up. Wonder what that says about her." His eyes glittered with curiosity.
I sat bolt upright in my chair. "Okay. I think this conversation has gone far enough."
"You know, there used to be this girl in second grade who would always pick on me. But every time we played catch and kiss she'd come after me with everything she had." He turned to Anne. "It's alright, pumpkin. I was fast, she never caught me."
"That's a relief." Anne smiled.
"I might have been a bit afraid of girl germs back then. But she reminds me of Lena with Jimmy. Did I tell you how Davie found them rolling around on the floor one day?"
"That was a professional intervention," I said.
"Jim, just out of curiosity, how many of Lena's interventions wind up getting physical? Do you find she often comes up with excuses to handle you, so to speak?"
"I do not," I said, voice climbing in volume.
"Look how riled up she got when I tried to find out more about her," said Mal. "That's why you're thinking about quitting, isn't it? Afraid you're getting too attached, maybe?"
"Mal, that's enough," said Anne. "Leave the poor girl alone."
Anger surged, running hot through me. One of my buttons had most definitely been pushed. I jumped to my feet, sending my chair sliding back. "You have no idea what you're talking about."
"Fuck's sake." Jimmy's stood and reached across the table, his hand snagging my wrist. "Calm down, Lena."
"But--"
"Calm down," Jimmy repeated. "He's being an idiot."
I huffed.
"Yeah," said Mal. "Keep your lady friend under control, Jimmy."
"Mal." Jimmy gave our host flinty eyes of great unhappiness. His thumb stroked soothingly against the inside of my wrist
, back and forth, back and forth. I doubt he even realized he was doing it. "I'm serious. This is Thanksgiving, enough of this bullshit." He turned back to me. "Okay?"
The fight bled right out of me. Sad to say, it only annoyed me slightly that his petting worked. "Yes."
Mal said no more. But he did give Jimmy's grip on me a smug sort of smile. Damn, the drummer had been playing us.
Unfortunately, the attention made Jimmy also look down at his hand. The frown on his face when he found his fingers still wrapped around my wrist was almighty. Like the digits belonged to someone else. I tore myself out of his hold, beating him to the chase, and sat back down.
So many interesting things to look at in the room. The man across from me and whatever expression he might have on his perfect face didn't even matter. For example, Anne was busy rubbing at her temples. If my boyfriend was that insane, I would probably rub at my temples too. Meanwhile, Lizzy was busy checking her phone while their mother Jan had yet to return to the table. Ev, David, and Ben were still discussing the likelihood of Jimmy and I being a couple. Wonderful, this dinner was officially hell. No amount of pumpkin pie could compensate and it was all Jimmy's fault for raising the topic in the first damn place.
"Right. Shut up, all of you." Jimmy banged his fist on the table, interrupting the conversation and making the plates and cutlery rattle. "Lena is not leaving and we are not fucking or whatever so all of you just ... stop."
No one spoke for about a moment.
Mal relaxed back in his chair, face unperturbed. "Then what's all the drama for, man?"
"Christ." Jimmy scrubbed at his face with his hands. "Look, Lena is thinking of leaving. But I've got an idea for how to get her to stay. Could use your guys help with it, actually. If we could all just act sane for one fucking minute of the day."
So much dread, I could have choked on it. "Jimmy."
"She does need to get out more. Meet some people," he said. "So ... Benny, you'll take Lena out, won't you?"
"What?" I flat-lined.
"That's a great idea," cried Ev, while David nodded in approval.
Ben gave me a big affable smile. "Sure, Jim. Love to."
"Good," said Jimmy, steadfastly refusing my attempts to get his attention. "Not tomorrow night, got plans for then. The night after."