"You had sex with me and then you were horrible and you hurt my feelings. That's no small thing. It's actually, in the scheme of things, pretty damn big." My fingers tightened around his strong wrist. "And two orgasms beforehand doesn't make up for it. Apologize and mean it."
"It just ... wasn't what I expected."
"The sex?"
"Yes," he said.
"What did you expect?"
"I dunno." His forehead went all crinkly. "Something less good."
"It was only good? I thought it was great."
He rubbed at his face with his hand. "Fuck. Fine, yeah, it was great. Your pussy feels perfect and I can't think about anything else, all right?"
I had to smile. "Well, at least you're enamored of one part of me."
"That mean you forgive me?"
"No, not even close."
"Damn it, Lena." His arms went around me, pulling me in tight against him. My face was all mashed up against his chest. His hard, unyielding chest on account of the fact I'm reasonably certain he'd stopped breathing somewhere during this process. Thick steely arms froze into position around me.
"Jimmy, are you actually hugging me?"
A grunt.
"Okay, you're doing very well." I set my chin on his chest and looked up at him. "I'm proud of you."
"You'll stop ignoring me now, and we can go back to being ... us?"
"Yes."
The air rushed out of him. "Good. That's good."
I wrapped my arms around him as tight as I could. He was my Romeo in black jeans and this story had just as much a chance of dying as tragic a death as the original. And still, all of the love I had for him in my heart spilled over, filling every part of me with those familiar warm fuzzy feelings. I'd been 'in love' before, sure. The difference here was, I loved him, all of him, and there'd be no easy getting over it this time. Every part of me wanted him, I yearned for him on the cellular level. There could be no escaping emotions of this magnitude. His good and bad, dark and light, his nice parts and his nasty.
Everything he was, I loved, and it left me feeling utterly helpless.
Because if he knew it, if he ever suspected the entirety of the truth, that this wasn't just some passing fancy? Well, I'd be out on my ass so fast I wouldn't even hit the ground for three blocks. So I loved him in silence.
In return, he patted me on the head.
"Glad we got this sorted," he said, his arms falling back to his sides.
I squeezed him tighter.
"I should get back to it. The guys'll be waiting. But Lena, can you do me a favor?""
"What?"
"Keep the camera. Please. I want you to have it."
"But it's so expensive."
"It's just money, Lena. Relax. I've got more."
"Well, I'm finding it harder and harder to resist."
"Then don't."
I sighed deep, ever so surreptitiously rubbing my breasts against him (don't judge me). "Okay, but only because it would be terribly rude not to accept such a generous gift."
"It's nothing, really. With my kind of money, it's a drop in the bucket."
I studied his face and sure enough, his usual calm, no care demeanor had returned. "Oh."
"All right?" His feet shuffled, the connection between us suddenly severed. "We good?"
"Twenty G," said Ben's deep bass voice softly from somewhere behind me.
"I'm not taking your money again," answered Mal. "It's too easy."
"Fine, forty thousand says they're through by Christmas."
"Why are you always betting against true love, Benny? What's with that?"
"It's all bullshit," Ben muttered.
"Ben," said Jimmy. "Watch your fucking mouth."
"Sorry." Some grumbling from Ben. "Didn't realize they could hear us."
"Of course we can hear you, you idiot. We're not deaf. Enough of this." Jimmy stepped back, hands gently but firmly disentangling me from him. My grabby hands never stood a chance. He was just too strong, damn it. "Time to get back to work."
"Wait." I wrapped my hands around my sides, so they'd feel less bereft. "Did you mean it, what you said before about me maybe trying being Pam's apprentice on tour?"
"Yeah. She suggested it, so talk to her. She said you had a natural talent and could do with another pair of hands helping her out."
"But I thought you wanted me to keep working for you as your assistant?"
He drew his lips to one side, in query almost. "Figure you're gonna probably get sick of that eventually. You'll get bored. You work with Pam, then you can still work for me and do other stuff as well."
"So it'll be like a second job?"
"Sure. Why not."
"I'll give it some thought and have a talk to Pam."
"You do that, and then take the opportunity. It'll be a great experience for you."
"I'll think about it."
"What about sex?" he asked.
"What about it?"
"I want to have it again. With you." his voice dropped low. "What do you say?"
"Honestly, I don't know."
He stared into my face, saying nothing for a good long while. Agitated fingers started tap, tap, tapping against the small of my back. Eventually, he said, "We still haven't gotten each other out of our systems yet, have we? So the original reasons still hold."
My heart stopped. "We, huh?"
"Yeah." He paused, sighed. "It's the truth, isn't it?"
"I guess it is. It's nice to hear it."
"So, I think we should do it, try some different positions, and mess around a bit. Might fix things, you never know."
"You genuinely believe that giving scissors, the butterfly, or dragon a whirl is going to fix things between us?"
His eyes glazed. "Lena...ah, man."
"What?"
With the motion of his hand, he directed my attention downward. Huh, things were definitely happening in his pants.
"That's not my fault if you can't control it. It's not like it's attached to me."
He groaned. "Well, us having sex'll definitely fix one thing."
"True." Whoa, there really was a hell of a bulge behind his fly. And there went my panties. Cold thoughts. Boring thoughts. "But you didn't react well to good sex with me last time."
"That won't happen again. I promise."
"You do, huh?"
"Absolutely." He stepped closer. "Boy Scout pledge and all that."
"You don't strike me as someone who was in Boy Scouts."
"I wasn't. But I can still tie a hell of a knot."
My mouth opened, but yeah ... nothing. Oh, the evil dirty thoughts dancing behind his eyes. I longed to hear all about them in detail.
He grinned. "That's about the first time I've ever seen you lost for words."
"Shut up." My face, it felt flambeed. I cleared my throat a few dozen times. "Anyway, I'd just like to take this opportunity to say how awful I personally feel that you enjoyed having sex with me. No really, Jimmy. I'm sincerely apologizing on behalf of my vagina, here."
"Yeah, okay." He turned his face away, trying to repress a smile. "Now you're enjoying this a little too much now."
"Impossible."
"And I know about the flowers you sent to Liv from me."
"You do?" My ecstatic fell back a few notches to something more subdued.
"She called, sounded pretty damn happy about them. How much did you spend exactly?"
I forced out some laughter. "You said money wasn't a big deal, you've got lots more."
He gripped my shoulders. The harsh line of his mouth suggested much crankiness in the immediate future.
"Hey, I did a nice thing for another human being to help her feel good about herself. I just happened to do it with your money. But Jimmy, you were not nice to her when she left, and I felt ... you know, you invited her up here and then ..."
He just looked at me.
"Can we go back to the part where I'm in the right and you're in the wrong? Personally, that was more
fun for me."
Footsteps sounded, coming down the stairs behind me.
Company would save me, hooray!
But Jimmy didn't seem to care if there was an audience to his throttling of me or not. Instead, he wrapped his hand around my ponytail, tugging gently until I tipped my head back.
"I don't care about the flowers," he said, leaning in and pressing his cheek against my forehead. Damn that felt good, I had no idea foreheads were so receptive to sensation. My body went weak, awash with good vibrations. It was basically like having one big happy spot smack bam on my face, mildly embarrassing but ever so rewarding. Imagine if he'd actually kissed me there, I'd probably have come.
"It was a nice idea," he said. "You did the right thing. Thanks."
"You're welcome."
"Don't care about the chairs either in case you're wondering."
I smiled and held perfectly still as he stroked his knuckles over my cheek. It was so nice being touched by him again, getting to be this close.
His gaze rose, going straight over my head to whoever stood beyond. "Hey, Dean."
"Jim," Dean answered, voice curt.
I stopped. The moment he'd touched me I'd entirely forgotten anyone was there, such was his power. And there he'd been, using me to make a point, showing Dean he'd won or some other such manly bullshit.
"Lena," Dean said.
With both hands, I pressed against Jimmy's stomach, forcing him back. "Hi, Dean."
His face was shuttered, his expression closed. "What happened to your foot?"
"She tried to kick my door down," said Jimmy, bless his helpful little heart. I'm sure there wasn't a trace of smugness to his voice at all, that would just be my imagination.
Dean wandered toward the studio. "Better get to work."
The door quietly closed.
"What was that?" I asked, voice deceptively calm.
"What?" he asked, shoulders already rising to protest his innocence.
"You did that on purpose just to get to Dean."
"Hang on, you do or you don't want me touching you?"
"Did you think I wouldn't tell him I couldn't see him anymore?"
He rolled his eyes, giving me his bored look. "I was just messing with him."
"No, you were being a jealous dickhead." I advised him as calmly as possible. "And it was insulting to me and assholish to Dean. The guy's worked with you for years. He deserves better."
He caught my hand. "You mad at me again?"
"Oh, you picked up on that did you?"
"Lena, c'mon."
I tugged my hand from his grip. "Fix it."
"What? How?"
"I'll give you a hint. Not by buying anything. You figure it out."
# # #
My private email account had suddenly been bombarded by all sorts of messages. Mostly consisting of "oh hey, you know someone famous. Wanna hang out some time?" type sentiments. I guess people were easy come easy go on the twenty-something social scene. Most of my friends didn't appear to have greatly noted my absence when I bolted from home following my sister and my ex's engagement announcement. This renewed sudden interest on account of my being associated with a Ferris brother, I could do without.
"Hey."
I looked up from the laptop to find David Ferris hovering in the office doorway. Not someone I'd expect to come calling.
"Hi, David."
"Can we talk for a sec?" he asked, face serious.
"Sure."
He took two steps in, scanned the room. There was just the desk and a couple of chairs, some shelves holding various music awards and such like. It was probably the simplest room in all of the house, the most utilitarian. He'd probably never even been in it before.
"Jim's busy in the booth, but we'll be finishing up soon," he said, lips drawn into an awkward sort of smile.
"Right. Is there something I can help you with?"
"I wanted to talk to you about him."
My guard rose a little higher. Again with the all of them being over involved in each other's lives. I kept my mouth shut.
"Glad you two made up. But, Lena, he'll keep fucking up. He can't help it."
"I don't think we should be--"
"At high school he could have any girl he wanted with a look. I swear, that's all it took, and they'd come running."
I bet they did.
"It's been the same ever since. He's never been the type to go back for seconds. None of them ever interested him that much."
I buried my hands in my lap, looked away. Wherever he was going with this, I didn't like it. Also, no matter how mixed up things were with Jimmy and me, I wasn't going to talk about him to his brother behind his back. "I've heard. David, I'm not comfortable with this."
"He's really into you. You walk into a room and he's all over it, Lena. Watching you on the sly, listening in to everything you say. I don't know if you realize ..."
I blinked. "Um, no. I didn't."
"Jimmy's always been a hard case, closed off."
"He's not. He's just complicated." I leapt to his defense without thought. Those were the same damn things my idiot ex had accused me of being. Anything along those lines was still a big angry red button sitting inside of me, waiting to go off.
"Lena," David said. "Just let me explain. Please."
I nodded.
His gaze ran over the glittering trophies. He really was a very attractive man, but all I saw were the pieces of Jimmy in him, the shared genetics. Or maybe that was love, searching for traces of what your heart longed for everywhere you went. Perhaps I'd always be trying to see him from now on.
"Did you know it was his idea to start the band?" David asked.
"No, I didn't."
David nodded, half smiled. "Yeah, he likes to make out it was me, but it wasn't. Jim said if we were spending so much time fucking around with guitars and shit, we might as well try to make some money out of it. But that wasn't what it was about for him, not really."
Despite myself I edged forward in my chair, eager to know. "So why then?"
"Family, Lena. He wanted us all to stick together. I think ... well, I know, even back then, he was starting to unravel. He was already drinking and smoking pot. Not just casually, but to excess. Then as the band got bigger, so did his troubles." His jaw shifted from side to side. "It was like, he didn't feel like he deserved success, so the more it came his way, the faster he ran."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because right now he's running from you. He's terrified of you, Lena."
I blinked.
"He's always keeping an eye out for you, and then the minute you're in his space he gets all agitated and wound up. It's like you're his new drug of choice. Only you're actually good for him." He squinted, forehead wrinkling. "Problem is, he just doesn't know how to deal with you. Doesn't feel worthy of the kind of love I have with Ev, or Mal has with Anne."
"I'm not sure what to do with that," I said, shifting my aching booted leg into a more comfortable position. My mind twirled in weary circles. It'd been a long day. "What are you saying here, David? What do you want from me?"
"Ah, I dunno." He laughed. "I guess I'm asking you to have patience, to not give up on him."
I just stared.
"Don't break his heart, Lena. Fuck, he barely even knows he has one, but he does. And it's actually a really good one. Just give him a chance to figure out what to do with it, please?"
"David ..."
He held up his hand, forestalling my words, if I'd had any. "Just think about it."
"There's something I need you to think about too," I said. "Please."
"What's that?"
I breathed in deep, choosing my words with care. "After Idaho, when your mom showed up and you said those things. That hurt him. Badly."
His gaze darkened. "Lena."
"He protected you from her, much more than you know. I can't say ..." I shrugged, my hands clasped in my lap. "It's not right for me to say more. But he needs you to
be on his side when it comes to her. And what's more, he deserves it."
David gazed at the ground, then slowly nodded his head. "I know. And I will."
"Thank you."
He gave me a thoughtful look from beneath his brows. "I think we both love him, don't we?"
My lips parted to confirm it but I just couldn't say it. The words disappeared.
He smiled and walked out.
I sat there a long time, staring after him, thinking.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
It was around midnight when he tiptoed on in. I almost smiled, the mental image of Jimmy sneaking into my room after lights out being so amusing. It was a lot like being sixteen again.
"Lena?" he whispered, crawling onto the bed. "You awake?"
After the fighting, making-up, fighting again, and then talking with David, I was wrung out. Over it. Emotionally, I just needed to be hung up to dry for a while, so I decided to fake sleep. I kind of also wanted to know what he'd do if I didn't answer.
He'd gone jogging with Ben after they'd finished up in the studio for the day. I'd fixed a plate of food and retreated to my room. Let me tell you, hauling my ass up the steps with a plate was no easy thing. Perhaps not the best idea I'd ever had. But there'd still been people around downstairs and honestly, I'd needed some quiet time, just me, fine food, and the new camera.
It was nice to slow down. Things had been intense lately.
Jimmy slid beneath the blanket, the mattress moving under his weight. I lay on my back my foot propped on a pillow. For a while, he seemed content just to lie near me. My ears strained, listening for every breath he took, every rustle of the sheets. What was he doing here? It had to be a booty call, surely. I frowned into the darkness awaiting revelation and getting absolutely nothing for my trouble. Never understanding seemed to be the theme of the year.
"I apologized to Dean," he said quietly.
"You did?"
"Yeah."
"Good. I'm glad." Then some fingers came seeking. They crept over my hip, stopped, and tugged at the material of my nightshirt, fingering one of the many small holes in the hem.
"That's my old shirt, isn't it?" He shifted closer. The mattress moved again as he reached across me and switched on the lamp on the bedside table. Little lights danced before my eyes. When they cleared, he hovered over me, a bit blurry on account of no glasses. "I fucking knew you took it."
"I have no idea how it got mixed up with my laundry."
"You're a lousy liar."
I bit back a smile. If he thought I was ever giving the shirt back, he was dreaming. "That's not a nice thing to say."
"You want nice," he asked, voice dropping in all the sexy ways. "I can be nice."