Jimmy leaned back, away from my fingers. "Lotta weed."
"Yeah." I braced my palms on my hips, keeping my greasy fingers away from my body. "Sometimes you have to cut people loose for your own good."
"You think I don't know that?" he asked in a deceptively calm voice.
"Out there, you couldn't bring yourself to hit her," I said. "But she needed to leave. Seemed the least I could do was give her a shove in the right direction. And I don't regret it."
"Next time, stay out of it."
"Is there going to be a next time?"
"I hope not." The pain in his eyes was heart breaking. Oh my god, he was killing me. It had to stop.
"You're all good," I pronounced, turning to wash my hands at the basin. More than enough with the touching. It was feeding this ridiculous notion that Jimmy and I were close, like we were friends or something. We weren't, I needed to shake it off. History dictated once foolish enough to grow feelings for a guy, my heart stayed stuck till the bitter end. My collection of idiot exes was epic. When it came to mixing penises with emotions, I couldn't be trusted. He was my just my boss, no more, no less.
Jimmy stood and stretched behind me. "Bastard of a day."
"Yeah."
"Be glad when it's over and we can head home."
He studied himself in the mirror over my shoulder. "Lena, I can't go out there like this! Christ."
"There isn't a big enough bandage in the box to cover your cheek. I did the best I could with what I had."
"I look ridiculous."
"You look fine." I scoffed.
He mumbled expletives.
"Would you calm down?"
"Wasn't talking to you," he grumped.
He leaned in and I leaned forward, only there was no room, nowhere for me to go. Any contact between his front and my back must be avoided at all costs. It's basically impossible, however, to suck in your ass successfully. Trust me, I've tried. So I settled for grinding my hips into the edge of the bathroom cabinet, trying to stay out of his way. It was highly unlikely I managed to reduce myself any but a girl could always dream.
Behind me, he started prodding at his cheek, pulling weird faces.
"Stop it," I said. "You'll make it start bleeding again."
Icy blue eyes narrowed on me in the mirror.
"Why don't I go ask Mr. Ericson if he has a shirt you can borrow?"
He jerked his chin in agreement. Nine times out of ten this was Jimmy's preferred method of communication. So much more effective than wasting time on actual words.
"Um, Jimmy? If you could stop looking at yourself in the mirror for just one minute ..."
"What?"
"It's a small space. Can you give me some room to move, please?"
His gaze raked over my back, down to the curve of my abundant ass and what had to be the hairsbreadth of room between us. Without comment, he stepped left, so I could go right.
"Thank you," I said.
"Ask if he's got a plain white shirt, yeah?"
"Sure."
"And hurry."
No please. No thank you. No nothing.
Typical.
I found Mr. Ericson standing at the kitchen sink, staring out the window. Music and chatter flowed in from the living room, but he remained apart, alone. No one could help him through this. There couldn't be many things as heartbreaking as losing your life partner, your other half.
What if this had been my mom or dad?
Shit. My throat tightened. I pushed the horrible thought away. They were both fine, I'd only talked to them the other day. Eventually, though, it had to happen, they were getting older. My aimless wandering had to come to an end. I needed to go back and see them sooner rather than later because if something ever happened I'd never forgive myself.
It didn't seem right to interrupt Mr. Ericson. Jimmy would just have to suck it up.
I stepped back, my elbow knocking a fruit bowl on the counter. The glass chimed noisily, alerting everyone within a twelve-mile radius to my presence. Mr. Ericson turned, staring in surprise. "Lena. It is Lena isn't it?"
"Yes, Mr. Ericson. I'm sorry to disturb you."
"Please, call me Neil. Is Jimmy all right?" The lines on his face multiplied.
"He's fine." I smiled. "But would it be okay if he borrowed a shirt? His got blood on it."
"Of course. Follow me." He led me up the carpeted staircase to the second floor and into a room covered in floral wallpaper. The scent of lilies lingered here too. On the dresser sat a wedding picture and beside it was a more informal shot of them from the 70s, I guess.
"Your wife rocked a pair of knee-high white boots," I said, crouching down to get a better look. Mal had obviously inherited his smile from her, the mischievous twinkle in his eye. Any money says Mrs. Ericson had gotten up to all sorts of things back in the day, really lived life to the fullest.
I hoped she had.
"She rocked everything, Lena." The depth of sadness in Mr. Ericson's voice was immeasurable. So too was the affection. "She was the most beautiful woman I ever met."
Tears stung my eyes.
"Which one do you think will be acceptable?" He stood in front of the open wardrobe. Half of the space still contained Lori's clothes. Neat rows of skirts and slacks and blouses. A couple of dresses. How did you move on when half of your life was gone?
I grabbed the first shirt I saw, needing to be gone. "This'll be great. Thanks."
"Are you sure?" His brows rose.
"Yep. Jimmy'll love it. Thank you!"
I got out of their before I burst into tears and embarrassed us both. The man had enough to deal with without me turning on the waterworks. I barreled back down the stairs, breathing hard.
"Here." I held out the shirt to Jimmy.
He stopped, cocked his head. "You're fired."
"What?"
"Lena, look at it."
I did so. "Huh. Well, it's very bright and cheerful. No one will be looking at your face, that's for certain."
"Yeah. That's why you're fired."
"I think the clashing pink and red Christmas trees make quite a statement. And the frolicking deer are kind of cool ... wait, is that one just jumping or has it actually mounted the little one beneath it?"
Angry fingers flew over the buttons of his ruined white shirt. He tore the last few, sending them pinging off into the four corners of the bathroom.
"Oh, goodness. There's even a threesome happening on the back. That shirt really has it all. But I think if anyone could carry it off, it's you." I should stop. I really should stop. But I just couldn't. "The Jimmy Ferris. I mean, whoa. You're basically the style king."
"I don't know why the fuck I put up with you."
I shrugged. "No, me neither. But you keep paying me so I keep hanging around."
"Awesome. Go away."
"You got it, boss."
I hovered in the doorway, trying not to laugh. "You're really going to put it on?"
He threw his stained shirt on the ground, jaw working. "I have to, don't I? Can't insult Neil."
"I'm sorry."
"Yeah. You'd be a shitload more believable if you weren't laughing."
True. Giggles poured out of me. It had to be all the stress from today. Though the look on Jimmy's poor face was hilarious. And the way he handled the shirt like it was something similar to dog shit, his mouth drawn wide with distaste just made it all the better.
"Am I really fired?" I asked, wiping my watery eyes. It would certainly solve a lot of my problems. Or just the main one--him. If I didn't have to see him every day, my unfortunate new feelings would dwindle and disappear, right? Right.
Well, probably.
"What's going on?" David ambled on down the hallway in his cool rocker way. I moved over to give him some room. "How's your face and what the fuck are you wearing?"
"Ask, Lena," Jimmy bit out.
"I can't. Your shirt's so ugly it made her cry."
I laughed even harder. Something tugged at the hem of my
pants, next came growling. "Aw, Killer. What do you think of Uncle Jimmy's shirt, hmm?" I scooped up the gorgeous puppy before he could gnaw a hole in my hem. "It's magnificent, isn't it?"
"Hey." Mal crowded in behind David and I, peering over our shoulders. "What's this, a bathroom meeting? Do I need to find, Ben?"
Jimmy swore some more and put on his suit coat with great haste.
"Oh, you're wearing the fucking deer shirt," said Mal, scratching Killer's head and generally stirring him up. "That's great, man. I got it for dad as a joke a few years back. But I think it's fantastic that you're secure enough with yourself and your masculinity to go there."
"I think it suits him." I grinned. "It reflects his inner beauty as few other shirts could."
"It does, it does." Mal smiled and this time, it was a little closer to his usual. Certainly the best attempt there'd been today. "I gotta take this guy back to his mama. He's due for crate time."
I handed the pup over. "Bye, Killer."
With the pup suspended high in one hand, Mal headed back down the hallway.
"You made him smile," said David.
Jimmy stopped fiddling with the buttons on his coat and his face cleared. "Least it was useful for something."
"You did good at the funeral." David crossed his arms over his chest, leaning against the doorframe. "Real good. It was a beautiful speech."
Jimmy rubbed at the back of his neck. "Think we can head back to the hotel yet? I wanna hit the gym."
Complete avoidance of his brother's words, which seemed to stem more from embarrassment, like praise had no place in Jimmy's world. Odd for a rock star. One would think he'd bask in any attention given how fussy he was with his appearance. The man was a walking contradiction.
No surprise at Jimmy's response registered on David's face. Instead, he smiled. "Sure. I'll find Ev and Ben."
"Good."
David paused. "Listen, earlier about mom. I didn't mean--"
"Its fine," cut in Jimmy. "Let it go."
"I just ... I didn't give up on you. Seems harsh not to give her the same chance."
Jimmy inhaled sharply. "You were ready to give up on me. Hell, you threatened to, remember? You all did. But that's beside the point. I've given her every opportunity over the last few years. All she did was hit me up for more money every fucking chance she got. She doesn't want help. She's perfectly happy living in the gutter."
David winced.
I studied my feet and stayed silent. You couldn't have cut the air with a knife, it would have taken a chain saw at the very least.
Awkward as hell.
If David hadn't been blocking the doorway I'd have made a swift exit, given them some privacy to sort this out. But I was stuck, forced to bear witness. I highly doubted Jimmy would appreciate me seeing quite so much of him in one day. Not him as in the physical, but him and his secrets, his past. Such information had a way of binding people and my boss was one of the least likely people to want such a thing. He made my efforts at staying separate and solo over the last few years seem like child's play. The strained relationship he had with his brother, whom he also worked with, was a prime example.
"Yeah," sighed David, turning to go. "Guess she doesn't."
I waited till Jimmy and I were alone to speak. For a long moment the only sound was the dripping of the tap. Time to break the silence.
"He's right," I said. "The speech was perfect."
Jimmy looked up at me from beneath his dark brows. His eyes were like ice storms, his jaw rigid.
"You did a brilliant job," I said, concentrating on the positive part of his talk with his brother. "Really fantastic. Just like I said you would."
The edge of his mouth twitched. Something inside of me lightened at the sight.
"You had to get that in there, didn't you?" he asked.
"Yes, I did."
He shook his head. "Great. Didn't I tell you to go away?"
"You're always telling me to go away. I'd be half way to the Yukon by now if I actually ever listened to you." I yawned prettily. If he didn't make stirring him up so much fun, there was a decent chance I'd stop. Well, an even one. "You haven't told me if I'm really fired or not yet."
His brows arched, expectantly. "What do you think, Lena?'
"I think regardless of whatever comes out of your mouth, you keep paying me. And money talks."
He said nothing.
"I also think if I actually went away, you would miss me, Jimmy Ferris." For a brief moment, a messy, needy part of me yearned for him to agree, which was completely insane. I should cut the silly part out and cauterize it, excise it from my body. Without a doubt, it would be the sane thing for me to do. Any ridiculous longing after anything resembling a softer emotion from Jimmy was a big mistake. He either hadn't been made that way to begin with, or any softer parts had been ground out long ago by that epic of bitch of a mother of his. Besides which, alone was best, I think we both knew it. Due to the situation, we just happened to be spending our alone time together these days. I guess it was better than being lonely.
"That so?' He gave me a cool look. "Why don't you go away and we'll find out?"
I smiled. "Okey dokey."
CHAPTER FOUR
Two days later ...
"What?" asked Jimmy in a terse voice, never taking his eyes off the TV. On screen, a hockey game raged on, the someones against the someone elses. No, I honestly didn't care enough to figure out who was playing.
We'd been back in Portland for two days and had mostly returned to our usual routine with only one or two minor behavioral differences.
"Huh?" I asked, finger toying over the screen of my e-reader.
"You keep looking at me weird."
"No, I don't."
"Yeah, you do." He bristled, giving me impatient side eyes. "You been doing it all day."
"I have not. You're imagining things."
He wasn't imagining things. Ever since that day in Coeur d'Alene, things had been different. I'd been different. I couldn't seem to see, hear, or be near him without reacting in ways I sincerely wished I did not. Contrary to my hopes, the feelings had not dissipated. Instead, they seemed to have settled in for the duration, sinking further and further into my heart and mind. All of those glimpses into his psyche and his troubled past had changed things irrevocably. Both in how I looked at him, and how often. The truth was, this horrible idiotic crush, or whatever the hell it was, probably showed on my face every time I turned his way. It certainly felt like it did.
"I'm not gonna freak out again or anything, Lena," he said. "Relax."
A pause. "No, I know. I'm not worried about that."
"So stop looking at me already," he grouched.
"I'm not!" I protested, sneaking a look.
He slumped further down in the corner of the couch, a frown embedded into his handsome face. Jeans and a black Henley were Jimmy's casual home attire. I highly doubted a male model could have worn them as well. The man just had innate style and show. With my hair messily tied up on top of my head and glasses sitting on the end of my nose, I probably looked like an early candidate for a crazy cat lady. Give me a litter of kittens and I'd be set.
I put my e-reader aside, giving it up as a lost cause. With him in the room, I apparently had the concentration span of a four-year-old loaded up on sugar. But also, I had in fact come down here for a particular reason. "You didn't call your brother back."
"Hmm."
"He's called twice now."
A one-shoulder shrug.
Tiny rivers of rain trickled down the outside of the window and a street light shone in the distance. Typical cold wet weather for this time of year. Just the thought of what it would be like outside in it was enough to make me shiver.
"I could grab the phone for you if you like," I said. "I was just about to go get a drink."
He slicked back his hair with the palm of his hand. "Why are you down here? You normally hang out in your room at night."
"Is my being here a pr
oblem?"
"Didn't say that. Just wondering what's changed?"
Lots had changed. Lots and lots and then a bit more besides, the bulk of which I was still figuring out. No neat conclusions had yet presented themselves. I might have lied a smidgeon about not being worried about him. He did seem fine. Didn't mean it wasn't still my job to keep an eye on him. The funeral and his big blow-up still felt fresh.
"Nothing's changed," I lied. "Just got bored on my own, I guess."
I pulled my comfy big old green cardigan tighter around me, feeling self-conscious. Plus the headlights were on high beam for some reason. Let us not explore why. But my annoying him was a given, I could probably manage it simply by breathing, such was the glory of Jimmy's disposition. It'd never actually worried me before, however. I must be getting soft. Perhaps I shouldn't have come down. Maybe I should just abort the spend-time/check-up-on-him mission and retreat back to my room.
"'kay," he said.
That was it. All of that inner turmoil and he couldn't even be bothered saying an entire word with regards to my presence. I guess he really didn't mind.
"You cold?" he asked.
"Pardon?"
His head lay against the back of the couch, slowly looking me over. Nothing changed in his face, but his eyes seemed to heat somehow. Or maybe I was just imaging things.
"You're all bundled up," he said. "Need me to turn up the thermostat?"
"No. Thanks." I might need to put some padding in my bra so my nipples were less obvious in their like for him. The room however was lovely and warm as the couch beneath my butt was beautifully comfortable. Jimmy didn't stint on life's luxuries. He wasn't cheap.
"I'm good," I said.
A chin tip.
"So, who's winning the hockey game?" I curled my skinny jean clad legs up beneath me.
"I'm not really that into it. You can pick something to watch if you want."
"Okay." I held out my hand for the remote.
A soft chuckle came out of him, a rare, delightful sound indeed. It tickled over my skin in the strangest yet nicest fashion. If he actually ever laughed out loud I'd be in trouble.
"Not a chance, Lena. Only I operate the remote. I'll flip through channels and you can tell me if anything appeals."
"Only you operate the remote?"
"Yup."
"Control freak."
"It's a state-of-the-art home entertainment system, Lena. I had it shipped from Germany, special." He waved the funky black remote around like it was his scepter. King Jimmy. He wished. "No way I'm risking it with you."