“About this new business, what’s next?”
“Well, Teun’s living in New York. So that’s where my new headquarters will be.”
“Tell me more about Teun,” I prompt her. “Does she have family? Where will she spend Christmas?”
Lucy stares straight ahead as she drives, always the serious pilot. “Let me go back, give you a little history, Aunt Kay. When she heard about the shootout in Miami, she contacted me. Then I went to New York the other week and had a rather bad time.”
How well I remember. Lucy vanished, sending me into a panic. I tracked her down by phone in Greenwich Village, where she was at Rubyfruit on Hudson, a favorite hangout in the Village. Lucy was upset. She was drinking. I thought she was angry and hurt because of problems with Jo. Now the story is changing right before my eyes. Lucy has been financially involved with Teun McGovern since last summer, but it wasn’t until this incident in New York last week that Lucy made the decision to change her entire life. “Ann asks me if there’s someone she can call,” Lucy explains. “I wasn’t exactly in a frame of mind to get myself back to my hotel.”
“Ann?”
“A former cop. She owns the bar.”
“Oh, that’s right.”
“I admit I was pretty whacked, and I told Ann to try Teun,” Lucy says. “Next thing I know, Teun’s walking into the bar. She pumped me full of coffee and we stayed up all night talking. Mostly about my personal situation with Jo, with ATF, with everything. I haven’t been happy.” Lucy glances over at me. “I think I’ve been ready for a change for a long, long time. That night I made a decision. The decision had already been made even before this other thing happened.” This other meaning Chandonne’s trying to kill me. “Thank God Teun was there for me.” Lucy doesn’t mean at the bar. She is talking about McGovern’s being there for her in general, and I feel happiness radiating from some space deep within Lucy’s core. Common psychology dictates that other people and jobs can’t make you happy. You have to make yourself happy. This is not entirely true. McGovern and The Last Precinct seem to make Lucy happy.
“And you had already been involved in The Last Precinct for some time?” I encourage her to continue the story. “Since last summer? Is that when the idea first came up?”
“It started out as a joke in the old days, in Philly, when Teun and I were driven nuts by bureaucrats with lobotomies, by people getting in the way, by watching how innocent victims get ground up in the system. We came up with this fantasy organization which I dubbed The Last Precinct. We’d say, Where do you go when there’s nowhere to go?” Her smile is forced and I sense that all of her upbeat news is about to get questionable shadings. Lucy is going to tell me something I don’t want to hear. “You realize this means I need to move to New York,” she says. “Soon.”
Righter has surrendered the case to New York and now Lucy is moving to New York. I turn up the heat and pull my coat more tightly around me.
“I think Teun’s found me an apartment on the Upper East Side. Maybe a five-minute jog from the park. On Sixty-seventh and Lexington,” she says.
“That was quick,” I comment. “And close to where Susan Pless was murdered,” I add, as if this is an ominous sign. “Why that part of town? Is Teun’s office near there?”
“A few blocks. She’s just a couple doors down from the nineteenth precinct, apparently knows a bunch of NYPD guys who work that tour.”
“And Teun had never heard of Susan Pless, of that murder? How strange to think she ended up just several streets from there.” Negativity carries me along. I can’t help it.
“She knows about the murder because we’ve discussed what’s going on with you,” Lucy replies. “Before that, she’d never heard of the case. Neither had I. I guess the preoccupation of our neighborhood is the East Side Rapist, which is something we’ve gotten involved in, as a matter of fact. They’ve had these rapes going on for some five years, same guy, likes blondes in their thirties to early forties, usually they’ve had a few drinks, have just left a bar and he grabs them as they’re going into their apartments. New York’s first John Doe DNA. We got his DNA but not an identity.” All roads seem to lead back to Jaime Berger. The East Side Rapist would most certainly be a high-priority case for her office. “I’m going to dye my hair blond and start walking home from bars late,” Lucy wryly says, and I believe she would do that.
I want to tell Lucy that the direction she has chosen is exciting and I am thrilled for her, but the words won’t come. She has lived many places that aren’t close to Richmond, but for some reason, this time it feels as if she is finally leaving home for good, that she is grown. Suddenly, I become my mother criticizing, pointing out the downside, the deficits, lifting up the rug to look for that one spot I missed when I cleaned the house, reviewing my report card of straight A’s and commenting what a shame it is I have no friends, tasting what I cook and finding it lacking.
“What will you do with your helicopter? Will you keep it up there?” I hear myself say to my niece. “Seems like that will be a problem.”
“Probably Teterboro.”
“So you’ll have to go all the way into New Jersey when you want to fly?”
“It’s not that far.”
“The cost of living up there, too. And you and Teun . . .” I hammer away.
“What about me and Teun?” The lift has left Lucy’s voice. “Why do you keep picking on that?” Anger rolls in. “I don’t work for her anymore. She’s not ATF or my supervisor anymore. There’s nothing wrong with us being friends.”
My fingerprints are all over the crime scene of her disappointment, her hurt. Even worse, the echoes of Dorothy are in my voice. I am ashamed of myself, deeply ashamed. “Lucy, I’m sorry.” I reach over and take her hand in the fingertips of my plaster-confined one. “I don’t want you to leave. I’m feeling selfish. I’m being selfish. I’m sorry.”
“I’m not leaving you. I’ll be in and out. Only two hours away by chopper. It’s all right.” She looks at me. “Why don’t you come work with us, Aunt Kay?” She is out with what I can tell is not a new thought. Obviously, she and McGovern have discussed quite a lot about me, including my possible role in their company. This realization gives me a peculiar sensation. I have resisted contemplating my future and suddenly it rises before me like a great blank screen. While I know in my mind that the way I have lived my life is in the past, I have yet to accept this truth in my heart. “Why don’t you go into business for yourself instead of the state telling you what to do?” Lucy goes on. “Have you ever given serious thought to that?”
“It’s always been the plan for later on,” I reply.
“Well, later on is here,” she tells me. “The twentieth century ends in exactly nine days.”
CHAPTER 7
IT IS ALMOST midnight. I sit before the fire in the hand-carved rocker that is the only hint of rusticity in Anna’s house. She has set her chair at a deliberate angle so she can look at me but I don’t have to look at her if I find myself in sensitive discovery of my own psychological evidence. I have learned of late that I never know what I might find during my conversations with Anna, as if I am a crime scene I am searching for the first time. The lights are switched off in the living room, the fire in its agonal stages of going out. Incandescence spreads along smoldering coals that breathe shades of orange as I tell Anna about a Sunday night in November a little over a year ago, when Benton got uncharacteristically hateful toward me.
“When you say uncharacteristically, you mean what?” Anna asks in her strong, quiet tone.
“He was accustomed to my peregrinations late at night when I couldn’t settle down, when I would stay up late and work. On the night in question he fell asleep while reading in bed. Not unusual, and it was my cue that I could have my own time now. I crave the silence, the absolute aloneness when the rest of the world is unconscious and not needing something from me.”
“You always have felt this need?”
“Always,” I tell her. “
It’s when I come alive. I come into myself when I’m absolutely alone. I need the time. I must have it.”
“What happened on the night you mention?” she asks.
“I got up and took the book out of his lap, turned out the light,” I reply.
“What was he reading?”
Her question catches me by surprise. I have to think. I don’t remember clearly, but I seem to recall Benton was reading about Jamestown, the first permanent English settlement in American that is less than an hour’s drive east of Richmond. He was very interested in history and had double-majored in it and psychology in college, and then his curiosity about Jamestown was ignited when archaeologists began excavating out there and discovered the original fort. It slowly comes back to me: The book Benton was reading in bed was a collection of narratives, many of them written by John Smith. I don’t recall the title, I tell Anna. I suppose the book is still in my house somewhere, and the idea of happening upon it one of these days pains me. I go on with my story.
“I left the bedroom and quietly shut the door and went down the hall to my office,” I say. “As you know, when I do autopsies, I take sections of every organ and sometimes of wounds, as well. The tissue goes to the histology lab where it’s made into slides I must review. I can never keep up with micro-dictations and routinely take slide folders home, and of course the police asked me all about this. It’s funny, but my normal activities seem mundane and beyond question until they are inspected by others. That’s when I realize I don’t live like other people.”
“Why do you think the police wanted to know about slides you might have in your house?” Anna asks.
“Because they wanted to know about everything.” I go back to my story about Benton, describing being in my office, bent over my microscope, lost in heavy metal-stained neurons that looked like a swarm of one-eyed purple and gold creatures with tentacles. I felt a presence behind me and turned to find Benton standing in my open doorway, his face filled with an eerie, ominous glow, like St. Elmo’s fire before lightning strikes.
Can’t sleep? he asked me in a mean, sarcastic tone that didn’t sound like him. I pushed my chair back from my powerful Nikon microscope. If you could teach that thing to fuck, you wouldn’t need me at all, he said, and his eyes flew at me with the bright fury of the cells I was looking at. Dressed in pajama bottoms, Benton was pale in the partial light spreading out from the lamp on my desk, his chest heaving and shiny with sweat, veins roping in his arms, his silver hair plastered to his forehead. I asked him what in the world was the matter, and he ordered me back to bed, jabbing his finger at me.
At this point, Anna interrupts me. “Nothing else might have preceded this? No forewarning whatsoever?” She knew Benton, too. This wasn’t Benton. This was an alien who had invaded Benton’s body.
“Nothing,” I answer her. “No warning.” I rock slowly, nonstop. Smoldering wood pops. “The last place I wanted to be with him that moment was in bed. He may have been the FBI’s star psychological profiler, but for all of his prowess at reading others, he could be as cold and uncommunicative as a stone. I had no intention of staring up at the dark all night while he lay with his back to me, mute, hardly breathing. But what he wasn’t was violent or cruel. He had never talked to me in such a demeaning, abusive way. If we had nothing else, Anna, we had respect. We always treated each other with respect.”
“And did he tell you what was wrong?” She presses me on this.
I smile bitterly. “When he made the crude comment about teaching my microscope to fuck, that told me.” Benton and I had grown comfortable living in my house, yet he never stopped feeling like a guest. It is my house and everything about it is me. The last year of his life, he was disillusioned with his career, and as I look back on it now, he was tired and without purpose and feared getting old. All of it eroded our intimacy. The sexual part of our relationship became an abandoned airport that looked normal from a distance but had no one in the tower. No landings, no takeoffs, only an occasional touch-and-go because we thought we should, because of the accessibility and old habit, I guess.
“When you did have sex, who usually initiated it?” Anna asks.
“Eventually, just him. More out of desperation than desire. Maybe even frustration. Yes, frustration,” I decide.
Anna watches me, her face in shadows that deepen as the fire dies. Her elbow is propped on the armrest, her chin resting on her index finger in what has become the pose I associate with our intense time together these past few nights. Her living room has become a dark confessional booth where I can be emotionally newborn and naked and feel no shame. I don’t see our sessions as therapy, but rather as a priesthood of friendship that is sacred and safe. I have begun to tell another human being what it is like to be me.
“Let’s go back to the night he got so angry,” Anna navigates. “Can you remember when this was, exactly?”
“Just weeks before his murder.” I talk calmly, mesmerized by coals that look like glowing alligator skin. “Benton knew my space needs. Even on nights when we made love, it wasn’t unusual for me to wait until he fell asleep and get up with the stealth of an adulterer to slip inside my office down the hall. He was understanding about my infidelities.” I feel Anna smile in the dark. “He rarely complained when he reached for me and felt an empty space on my side of the bed,” I explain. “He accepted my need to be alone, or seemed to. I never knew how much my nocturnal habits hurt him until that night when he came into my office.”
“Was it really your nocturnal habits?” Anna inquires. “Or your aloofness?”
“I don’t think of myself as aloof.”
“Do you think of yourself as someone who connects with others?”
I analyze, searching everywhere inside me for a truth I have always feared.
“Did you connect with Benton?” Anna goes on. “Let’s start with him. He was your most significant relationship. Certainly, he was the longest.”
“Did I connect with him?” I hold up the question like a ball I am about to serve, not sure of the angle or spin or how hard. “Yes and no. Benton was one of the finest, kindest men I’ve ever known. Sensitive. Deep and intelligent. I could talk to him about anything.”
“But did you? I get the impression you didn’t.” Anna, of course, is on to me.
I sigh. “I’m not sure I’ve ever talked to anybody about absolutely anything.”
“Perhaps Benton was safe,” she suggests.
“Perhaps,” I reply. “I do know there were deep places in me he never reached. I also never wanted him to, didn’t want to get that intense, that close. I suppose starting out as we did may be part of the explanation. He was married. He always went home to his wife, to Connie. It went on for years. We were on opposite sides of a wall, separated, only touching when we could sneak. God, I would never do that again with anybody, I don’t care who.”
“Guilt?”
“Of course,” I answer. “Every good Catholic feels guilt. In the beginning, I felt terribly guilty. I’ve never been the type to break rules. I’m not like Lucy, or should I say she’s not like me. If rules are mindless and ignorant, she breaks them right and left. Hell, I don’t even get speeding tickets, Anna.”
It is here that she leans forward and holds up a hand. This is her signal. I have said something important. “Rules,” she says. “What are rules?”
“A definition? You want a definition of rules?”
“What are rules to you? Your definition, yes.”
“Right and wrong,” I reply. “What is legal versus illegal. Moral versus immoral. Humane versus inhumane.”
“Sleeping with a married person is immoral, wrong, inhumane?”
“If nothing else, it’s stupid. But yes, it’s wrong. Not a fatal error or unforgivable sin or illegal, but dishonest. Yes, definitely dishonest. A broken rule, yes.”
“Then you admit you are capable of dishonesty.”
“I admit I’m capable of being stupid.”
“But dishonest
?” She won’t let me evade the question.
“Everyone is capable of anything. My affair with Benton was dishonest. I indirectly lied because I hid what I was doing. I presented a front to others, including Connie, that was false. Simply false. So am I capable of deception, of lying? Clearly I am.” The confession depresses me deeply.
“What about homicide? What is the rule about homicide? Wrong? Immoral? Is it always wrong to kill? You have killed,” Anna says.
“In self-defense.” On this point I feel strong and certain. “Only when I had no choice because the person was going to kill me or someone else.”
“Did you commit a sin? Thou shalt not kill.”
“Absolutely not.” Now I am getting frustrated. “It’s easy to make judgments about matters one looks at from the distant vantage point of morality and idealism. It’s different when you’re confronted by a killer who’s holding a knife to another person’s throat or reaching for a pistol to shoot you. The sin would be to do nothing, to allow an innocent person to die, to allow yourself to die. I feel no remorse,” I tell Anna.
“What do you feel?”
I close my eyes for a moment, firelight moving across my lids. “Sick. I can’t think about those deaths without feeling sick. What I did wasn’t wrong. I had no choice. But I wouldn’t call it right, either, if you understand the difference. When Temple Gault was hemorrhaging to death in front of me and begging me to help, there are really no words for how that felt and how it feels now to remember it.”
“This was in the subway tunnel in New York. Four or five years ago?” she asks, and I answer with a nod. “Carrie Grethen’s former partner in crime. Gault was her mentor, in a sense. Isn’t that right?” Again, I nod. “Interesting,” she says. “You killed Carrie’s partner and then she killed yours. A connection, perhaps?”
“I have no idea. I have never looked at it like that.” I am jolted by the thought. It has never occurred to me and seems so obvious now.