Fig. 30
Mr. Troll, STUNG
Gustav grabbed the spyglass and looked for himself. “Whoa, there are a bunch of bow-and-arrow guys on the front wall, and they’re shooting at Furface.”
“What are we gonna do?” Lila asked.
Maude let out an exasperated groan. “This is the problem with you humans,” she said. “Always asking ‘What are we gonna do?’ Just do something.”
And with that, Maude stepped out from behind Mount Batwing. Everyone in the rowboat crouched down, clinging to their seats.
“Stop! The lookouts will see you!” Ella shouted to her. But before the startled watchmen could even raise their bows, the giantess swiped her free hand along the back wall, scooping them all up. Then she simply tossed them away. The screaming bandits sailed through the sky, over Mount Batwing and out of sight. They probably landed somewhere in Jangleheim.
“See? Taken care of,” Maude said. “You people need to learn to trust me.”
“Maude, we can’t start a war out here!” Ella cried. “We need to sneak inside. This is a stealth mission!”
“Who brings a giant on a stealth mission?” Maude asked, frustrated.
Suddenly a long drawn-out howl from Mr. Troll reverberated through the mountains. “I’m on it!” Maude said.
She then dropped the boat—and its passengers—over the Wall of Secrecy before bounding to the front of the castle in two enormous steps. The boat crashed to the ground. Gustav reached out with his big arms and caught hold of Lila before she was thrown from the craft. “Gotcha, Spunky!” he said. Then he busted right through his wooden seat and landed on his back with a groan.
“I think I hate giants even more than dwarfs,” he grumbled.
“Thanks for the save,” Lila panted. She looked around. “Where’s Ella?”
“I’m okay,” Ella whispered, crawling to them from the dirt pile she’d landed in. “Come on, let’s get this boat into the moat, quick. Before someone spots us.”
“Um, got a plan B?” Lila asked, looking down. A crack ran along the entire bottom of the rowboat. “I don’t think we’re getting across in that.”
“Maybe it’s not as bad as it looks,” Gustav said. He and Lila stepped out, dragged the boat over to the moat, and shoved it into the water. It sank instantly.
Ella stared at the two-hundred-foot-wide moat before them. Ominous ripples disrupted the calm every so often—telltale signs of bladejaw eels lurking just below the surface. “Anybody here know how to fly?”
Up by the front gates, the bandit archers were ready to release another volley of arrows at the invading troll. But they never got their shots off. None of them was prepared for the shock of seeing a one-hundred-foot woman running at them. They all gaped at Maude.
The giantess brought her arm back, ready to take a big swing and swat as many bandits off the wall as she could. But a bite on her toe from Mr. Troll stopped her.
Maude leaned down and whispered to him: “What’s the deal? Why’d you nibble me?”
“Giant Lady need stick with plan,” Mr. Troll said. “Can’t mess things up for friends inside.”
“I don’t care about those tiny, whiny pips; I want some action,” Maude said.
Mr. Troll considered himself a pretty good judge of character, especially when it came to other monsters. He could tell right away that this giantess was not the thoughtful, reasonable type of monster that he was; she was more the rampage-and-wanton-destruction type. He was going to have to keep her in check if he wanted Angry Man and the others to succeed. “Troll promise plenty of action if Giant Lady do what Troll say.”
“What’ve you got in mind?” Maude whispered.
“Giant Lady fight Troll,” he said. “If bandits watch us, bandits not watch friends inside.”
“You know, I like you, troll,” Maude said. “You remind me of a young ogre I wish I hadn’t crushed.”
Maude slammed the ground, causing Mr. Troll to fall flat on his back. He sprang up and punched the giantess in the shin. She tried to stomp on him, and he scratched at her bare foot.
Up on the wall, the bandits looked on in amazement. “Now, that’s something you don’t see every day,” one said.
22
A HERO HATES SEAFOOD
You may have heard the expression “I’ll be there with bells on.” This should not apply to stealth missions.
—THE HERO’S GUIDE TO BEING A HERO
Gustav grew uncharacteristically queasy looking at the impromptu tightrope that Ella had rigged up. It stretched from their side of the moat—where it was tied around a petrified tree stump—all the way across to the far rocky shore where the barbed metal end of their grappling hook was firmly lodged.
“In case you didn’t realize, there’s a reason why I wasn’t put on the circus team,” he said. “I’m not the nimblest guy in the world.”
“Have you got a better idea?” Ella asked.
“Even if I could keep my balance on that thing,” Gustav said, “I’m too heavy. As soon as I step on that rope, it’s gonna snap.”
“You’d better go last then,” Lila said. She hopped onto the tightrope and speedily skittered across to the far side. She bounced to the ground and gave a perky wave to her friends across the water.
Ella turned to Gustav. “See?” she said.
“Yeah, but I’m like forty of her,” Gustav said.
Ella stepped onto the tightrope and held her arm out to balance herself. “Sorry, we’re out of time—and options,” she said to Gustav. “Lila and I will have to handle this without you. Just make sure you find a good hiding spot and join up with us when the circus is on its way out.”
Ella started her slow and cautious trek across the moat, moving one step at a time, pausing every yard or so to check her balance. She tried not to look down at the swirling, bubbling waters only a few feet below.
Without warning, a silver, snake-like shape exploded from the water. A bladejaw eel leapt up in the air and arced right over the rope, mere inches from Ella’s toes.
“Whew,” she breathed. “That was close.”
Then another eel burst upward with a splash, this one flying right between Ella’s feet. She flapped her arms like she was trying to take flight but couldn’t keep herself up. She lost her footing and tumbled toward the moat.
Lila gasped and covered her eyes, but hearing no splash, she quickly looked up again. Ella was hanging under the tightrope, her arms and legs wrapped around it.
“I’m okay,” Ella said confidently.
But Lila realized she was wrong. “Your braid!” she called out. Ella’s hair was dangling downward, the tip of her braid dunking into the moat like a fishing line. And the dark, undulating forms of bladejaw eels were swimming at her from both sides.
“Starf it all,” Gustav cursed. He picked up one of the loose oars that had fallen from the rowboat and stepped gingerly onto the tightrope. He took dainty tiptoe steps (well, dainty for Gustav, which meant he stepped as if he were squashing a beetle rather than squashing a rabid rat). He had almost reached Ella when the eels started jumping again.
Ella swung her body left and right to avoid the toothy mouths diving for her, but in doing so she sent Gustav into a spin. He performed an unintentional pirouette, then slipped, dropped downward, and landed sitting on the rope with his feet sloshing into the water on either side. He swung his oar—Swish! Fwap!—knocking away one eel and then another. But the momentum of his third swing sent him flipping down into the same dangly, under-the-rope position as Ella.
Fig. 31
Ella DANGLING
Ella began inching her way along the rope, dodging leaping eels as she did. “Shinny out of here,” she said urgently. “Fast as you can.”
“I don’t shinny!” Gustav growled. An eel landed on his face. He shook it off and started shinnying after Ella.
They were only about ten yards from the far side. “We’re gonna make it,” Ella said, just before an eel flew by and chomped her braid clean
off.
“That’s okay!” Ella said, blinking drops of murky water from her eyes. “I was thinking of cutting it anyway.”
Another particularly large and sleek eel flew out of the water, aiming to make a snack out of Gustav’s ankle. Gustav saw it coming and deftly lifted his foot out of the way.
“Ha!” Gustav gloated. The eel missed his leg, but its machete-sharp teeth instead clamped down on the tightrope itself. He peered back and saw the creature hanging from the rope by its fangs—he could have sworn the thing was smiling at him. And with a snap of its jaws, the eel cut the tightrope in two. Gustav and Ella hit the water with a tremendous splash.
The eels were on them in seconds, snapping at their arms and legs in a ravenous fury. The water was such a chaos of splashing and kicking and swatting and snapping, they could barely see which way to swim. Then suddenly, they felt themselves being tugged toward the shore. Someone was reeling in the rope. Gustav and Ella held tight as they were towed up onto the rocky bank of the moat. They collapsed on the ground, exhausted, sore, and wounded in multiple places—but happily alive.
“Lila,” Ella said. “You pulled us in. Thank you.”
“I had some help,” Lila said.
Ella and Gustav looked up to see Duncan, wearing clown makeup, standing behind Lila.
“Hello,” Duncan said.
“What are you doing here?” Gustav asked.
“Not that we’re complaining,” Ella added.
“Well, I sneaked out of the circus to go look for Liam and Frederic,” Duncan said. “I soon realized that I had no idea how to get to the dungeon, though, so I was just sort of wandering around the halls. The Bandit King has some really fun stuff in there: a moose head wearing a hat; a big, tall, stuffed grizzly; a clock shaped like a cat where the tail wags back and forth. . . .”
“Duncan!”
“Oh, and anyway, I just happened to be passing by a lovely picture window when I looked outside and saw Liam’s sister having some trouble fishing. Only she wasn’t fishing. She was trying to pull you out of the water. But you probably know that part. Anyway, it’s all a great coincidence, isn’t it? I feel like my old luck has returned.”
“Don’t start with the magical luck nonsense again,” Gustav groaned. “There’s no such thing.”
“Oh, yeah? Well, how would you describe Duncan showing up just in time to save you from the eels?” Lila asked him.
“Not lucky,” Gustav said. “Something else. Um. Fortunate!”
“Synonyms, Gustav,” Lila said, shaking her head. “Synonyms.”
“Whatever, Duchess Dictionary,” Gustav grumbled.
“I think you mean ‘thesaurus,’” Lila said.
“Are you trying to be as annoying as your brother?” Gustav snarked.
“Duncan,” Ella interjected. “You said you wanted to warn Frederic and Liam about something. What?”
“Oh, well, we were backstage with Briar—”
“Briar followed us?” Ella snarled. “I knew that witch would try to double-cross us.”
“Oh, but that’s not even what I wanted to warn everybody about,” Duncan said. “Ruffian told us that there’s a guy here who’s even scarier than the Bandit King.”
“The Bandit King’s not scary,” Gustav said.
“Well, this other guy definitely is,” Duncan said. “He’s got some kind of skeleton on his head. Possibly a goat. Or maybe a swamp pig. Either way, it was definitely dead. And toothy. But anyway, this guy is the Lore-ward of Dar.”
“The Lore-ward of Dar?” Lila asked. “The man in charge of chronicling history and folklore for the kingdom of Dar?”
“No, it was scarier than that,” Duncan said, scratching his chin. “Let me see . . . Oh, it was the Warlord of Dar.”
“Wait,” said Ella. “You’re telling us the Warlord of Dar is in the castle? The most bloodthirsty tyrant in the world?”
“Meh. I could take him,” Gustav said dismissively.
“This is serious, Gustav,” Ella said. “No way the Warlord travels alone. And if he’s brought a squad of Darian soldiers with him, we could be in for a real fight. Duncan, go back in the way you came. See if you can find Little Taylor. Tell him about the Warlord and tell him to release Frederic and Liam right away.” She stood tall. “The rest of us will continue as planned. Maybe we can still get the sword and get out of here before anything else goes wrong.”
Duncan nodded and hopped back in through the open window.
Lila looked at Ella and Gustav. “Are you guys sure you can go on?” she asked. “No offense, but you look pretty bad.”
Ella’s clothes were torn in several places, revealing bright red tooth marks in her flesh. Gustav looked even worse; his pants had been turned into a pair of ragged shorts, and his legs below them were a painful-looking blur of dark cuts and bruises.
“I’ll survive,” Ella said.
Gustav took off his black overshirt and tied it around his waist to provide a little more leg coverage. “I feel great,” he said, ignoring the pain. “I know for a fact that none of my brothers has ever survived a bladejaw eel attack. Or walked a tightrope, actually.”
“I’m happy to see you’ve got your priorities straight,” Lila said. She patted him on the back and unintentionally made him wince. “Sorry!”
“No, it’s nothing,” Gustav said. “Just a little indigestion. I should never eat burritos before a quest. Hey, don’t we have a wall to climb?”
Back in the amphitheater, a pair of conjoined twin animal trainers were sticking both of their heads into the mouths of a two-headed lion.
“Boooooring!” yelled a heckler in the crowd. Somebody tossed a wooden leg at the performers.
As excited as Little Taylor was to finally be sitting at the right hand of the Bandit King, he was also getting antsy. “Excuse me, sir,” he said to Rauber with a deferential bow. “I think I need to use the facilities.” And he stepped out into the hall.
Elsewhere in the castle, the spiky-armored Jezek marched down glistening marble corridors, keeping an eye out for anything suspicious. But it was his ear that caught something. “What was that noise?” he muttered to himself.
And then he heard it again: a tinny jingling. The thick-bodied Darian ran in the direction of the sound, turned a corner, and found himself standing face-to-face with Duncan. Duncan froze.
“You’re awfully far from the theater, aren’t you?” the bodyguard said. “You look lost.”
“And you,” Duncan replied, “look like a pineapple.”
“What are you doing here?” Jezek asked, growing quickly impatient.
“Answering your questions.”
“You know what I mean. Why did you leave the circus?”
“I haven’t left the circus. I just joined the circus. And it’s marvelous! You should join, too. I’m sure they’d have a place for a human pineapple.”
“Are you trying to make me angry?”
“No,” said Duncan. “If I were trying to make you angry, I’d probably do something like this.” He pulled a small, round jingle bell from his belt and tossed it at Jezek. With a tinkle, the bell bounced off the bodyguard’s forehead. The man snarled and bounded toward Duncan, who turned and ran back the way he had come.
As he zipped along, Duncan plucked off more tiny bells and whipped them over his shoulder at Jezek. The tinny jingling did nothing to stop the raging juggernaut. Duncan tried to turn a corner, but his soft felt shoes skidded on the shiny marble floor and sent him hurtling into the belly of a towering stuffed grizzly bear that was standing on a decorative pedestal in the corner.
“Excuse me,” Duncan said to the long-dead bear, and then crouched between the animal’s legs. Jezek was barreling toward him at top speed, a vicious grin on his face. Duncan flung his last bell at him.
Jezek laughed. “How are you going to stop me with a little belllleeeeoof!” The bodyguard stepped directly onto the rolling bell, tripped, and landed face-first in the arms of the stuffed grizzly.
> Duncan scrambled out from behind the bear, giggling. “It looks like he’s hugging you.”
Jezek tried to pull himself free, but the spikes on his armor had firmly planted themselves into the stiff, stuffed animal, and he only succeeded in ripping the entire bear from its pedestal. He and the bear turned as one and began lumbering toward Duncan in what looked like a mockery of a waltz.
“Eek! You’re still coming!” Duncan leapt back out the window he’d only just come in through. Jezek tried to squeeze through after him, but doing so while attached to an enormous grizzly proved difficult. Halfway through the window, Jezek—and the bear—got stuck.
“Come back here,” the bodyguard groaned as he struggled to unjam himself.
“No, thank you,” said Duncan. He grabbed hold of one of the two ropes that were hanging along the wall next to him and began climbing up.
Halfway up the wall, Gustav, Ella, and Lila, who were on their way to the roof, noticed Duncan below them. They paused and waited for him to catch up.
“I should probably just make a little sign that says ‘What Are You Doing Here?’ so I can hold it up whenever I see you,” said Gustav.
“I got forced back outside by a big hedgehog man and a dead bear,” Duncan explained.
“That sounds about right,” said Lila.
“Shush now,” Ella warned. “We’re almost at the roof. Remember, this is a stealth mission.”
Gustav pointed down at Duncan. “Yeah, those candy cane pants are real stealthy.”
“Hey,” said Duncan. “At least I got rid of my jingle bells.”
A few minutes later, they climbed up over a rain gutter onto the stone slab roof of Castle von Deeb.
23
A HERO KNOWS HOW TO COUNT
Avoid capture at all costs. Dungeons are horrible, dirty, smelly places. They’re cold. They’re cramped. And don’t even get me started on the room service.
—THE HERO’S GUIDE TO BEING A HERO
“. . . Fifty-eight, fifty-nine—nine!” Frederic muttered, barely above a whisper. “One, two, three, four . . .”