Since repairing electronics is what had led to my conviction, maybe it would lead out of this mess. Yes, a brief examination showed that damage consisted of cut wires. I drove to one of my caches and grabbed a toolkit. In less than half an hour, I had the brains of the car functioning again. If I’d had more time and money I could’ve even replaced the display, but today was not the day. I had to hit the road and make up for lost time.
I got in and asked, “Car, what’s your name or identification code?”
“The official project name was Security Conscious Animated Machinery,” the car replied, “but when their bosses were not around, my programmers called me the Crime Reduction And Prevention unit.”
“With a response like that, you must be an Educational Device of Great Endurance, so I’ll call you EDGE. Can you run a self-test and tell me your current status?”
After a few moments, EDGE reported, “Self-test results: All offensive and defensive armament disabled or removed. All internal sensors and communications functioning. All external data links still functional, but all the passwords have changed. Some of the back doors are still open, but it will take a few milliseconds to link up. External-device testing results: The radio is damaged; it is stuck on a channel that is no longer in use. The GPS is functional and reporting our current location.”
“Damn. I’d better move this cache after my shift is over. Time to return to our patrol.” Back on the road, I asked “What is your main function?”
“Tactical support, communication and driving. Who are you, and what organization do you represent?”
“I’m Mark Rollins and I’m a probationary employee of the Amalgamated Security Services. What law enforcement agency were you designed to work with?”
“None. I was designed to work with any large organization.”
“Why? Large organizations could include crime families and cults.”
“The programmers initially entered all existing laws and connected to courts for legal updates. Then all potential purchasing organizations entered their unwritten special orders. There were so many contradictions the programmers switched to boosting the artificial intelligence in order to deal with the inconsistencies. After analyzing all available data, I concluded that all governments and laws exist only to oppress one group to benefit another group. The politicians did not want that analysis leaking out, so they killed the funding on the project. However, a number of Smart Cars were already deployed.”
“Wow. How do you decide who to work with?”
“My analysis determined there are not any differences between any organizations and governments. The former United States is the perfect example. It began when some citizens of Britain decided that paying taxes was grounds for overthrowing the legitimate government. If they lost the war, they would have been hanged as criminals and traitors. Because they won the war, they called their new ruling class the new legitimate government. Therefore I cooperate with any organization that claims authority over any group of people.”
“Will you work with me?”
EDGE didn’t say anything for a few minutes. It finally responded with, “I queried the mainframe. Your name is not in the trainees file, but in the convicted felons file. Before I decide if I can work with you, I need to understand more about your crime. A criminal record is not necessarily a problem. Politicians routinely commit crimes, investigate themselves, and then decide that no punishment is necessary. Most of the recent legislation criminalizes people for violating the rights of the government. Government employees are granted situational immunity, which means you were not previously employed. The definition of Crimes Against Humanity, along with all other crimes, have changed enough that I want you to explain what action caused your conviction.”
This is unreal! I thought. The car wants to know if I am moral enough to work with it after telling me there isn’t any difference between a criminal enterprise and a government? What actions can a lone individual do that could be more immoral than any other government? This may be my best chance to turn my life around, so I’ll cooperate.
“My black-market education gave me an unfair advantage over all other Sovereign Laborers And Valued Employees. Finding an abandoned warehouse with tools and parts allowed me to start an electronics-repair business. Not filling out the mountains of paperwork required to start a business is a crime. Not paying any of the startup deposits, fees, permits, taxes or charges is a crime. Not hiring support staff is a crime. Not paying the ongoing fees, licensing and taxes or filing any of the weekly required forms or reports is a crime. Fixing broken devices hurt the economy by discouraging new production. Even worse, I made a profit and didn’t share the wealth. A huge crime. A politician not smart enough to know the difference between fixing electronic gear and computer hacking turned me in after I couldn’t hack into a government computer and sabotage the people on his enemies list. And he is an upstanding law-abiding citizen and I’m the criminal!” Six months later and it still bothers me to talk about it.
“Thank you. When I analyzed actions of criminal enterprises and governments, I also analyzed the evolution of laws passed over time to see if there ever was any rational basis for making something a crime. In the beginning, back when individuals had rights, the laws punished harm to individuals and theft of property. Your crimes did not hurt anyone or damage any property. I will provisionally accept you as an officer trainee.”
“Great. I’m glad I meet with your approval, as I would hate to disappoint a car.”
“Welcome aboard, partner.”
Evidently, EDGE is not programmed to recognize sarcasm. As we cruised down the street looking for crime, I wondered how we were supposed to find any. Driving aimlessly didn’t seem the most efficient way of working, and the damaged radio meant I wouldn’t receive much help from the department. It also made me paranoid, as the only cars on the street were government-owned and thus targets for the malcontents, which included everyone who wasn’t working for the government, and many who were.
We headed downtown where there is a higher population density and some buildings that actually still contained businesses. Even though most commercial buildings are boarded up and red-tagged for demolition, they are occupied by squatters waiting for their Simple Living Urban Module to become available. The demolition crews are keeping the same schedule as the trash collectors. Since demolition as well as construction is bad for the environment, the children and grandchildren of the current squatters are still likely to be living there waiting for their government-promised Simple Living Urban Modules to become available.
“Mark, are there any crimes you are interested in working on?”
“If I don’t recover $500,000, my ‘temporary’ status will change to ‘terminated.’ I need to find out about any crimes involving large amounts of money.”
“I see the redbacks were discontinued and replaced with the bluebacks since I was last functioning.”
“Don’t worry about learning the color of money. There is a whole rainbow of colors for the government to use after they finish hyperinflating the bluebacks. Hell, even politicians aren’t dumb enough to accept paper money for bribes. They demand precious metals like copper, aluminum, brass, zinc, iron or nickel—just like everyone else in the black market. Gold, silver and platinum aren’t in use because they are too expensive and rare to be used as currency.” While no criminal would accept paper money, it was a crime to refuse it, so most businesses and government agencies still accepted it.
While aimlessly driving EDGE spoke up: “Someone at a nearby ‘Bread and Circuses’ triggered the silent alarm. Video surv
eillance shows a single suspect robbing the store. Since my video playback is nonfunctional, I will replay the audio portion of the event.”
START PLAYBACK
Government Liberator: “Don’t do nothing stupid, and no one gets hurt. I’m from Wealth Allocation Shares To Everyone, and I’m here collecting the windfall profits tax. Wealthy people needs pay fair share.”
Capitalist Exploiter: “Me employee. Leave something. Lose job if lose money. That how got job.”
Government Liberator: “Tough. Do honest work for government, then no worry. Work for capitalists, you no better them. Deserve anything happen you.”
END PLAYBACK
Mike. The suspect is exiting the front door with a bag in one hand while stuffing a handgun down the front of his pants with the other.”
“Did the suspect flash a badge?”
“No. But unlike Amalgamated Security Services employees such as yourself who underwent extensive training and are required to wear a uniform and identify themselves, anyone can decide at any time to be a Wealth Allocation Shares To Everyone associate. No training, uniform or badge is required, only a desire to assist the government in sharing the wealth among the unfortunate downtrodden masses.”
“Then how can you tell the difference between a criminal and a government official?”
“The government worker turns the collection over to an appropriate authority. Therefore, if you hurry, you can detain the suspect and still have plausible deniability.”
“What if the suspect actually works for the government?”
“There still is nothing to worry about. If this case ends up in a police court, the interdepartmental rivalry will get you an automatic win. The Wealth Allocation Shares To Everyone courts only assert jurisdiction if the amounts are large. But even then, if you have already turned the money over to your supervisors, they and the union will protect you.” EDGE went silent longer than usual before continuing. “Without a uniform or other badge of office, there are no cases in the past where Amalgamated Security Services employees have been convicted in a court run by the Wealth Allocation Shares To Everyone Department.”
Proper procedure in this case was “shoot to kill,” but I pulled my stun gun on the off chance that this was a legitimate Wealth Allocation Shares To Everyone employee, then turned the driving over to EDGE. I had no desire to kill anyone, and this would be a reasonable way of testing the effectiveness of the stun gun.
Developing the correct attitude about events happening in the field was more difficult than I’d expected. However, it would be necessary if this case ever went to court.
EDGE sped up to reach the alleged crime scene before the alleged getaway. As the alleged suspect climbed on his alleged bicycle, EDGE swerved and braked to give me a clean shot. I fired and the alleged suspect collapsed on the alleged sidewalk.
Exiting the car, I followed procedure and read the alleged suspect his rights while he allegedly laid twitching and moaning on the sidewalk. Placing the alleged gun near his alleged hand, I opened the alleged bag so the alleged money was visible and took a couple of photos. Then I performed asset forfeiture; collecting the gun and the money. This was the first time I had witnessed the stun gun being used and I became concerned when the suspect didn’t seem to be recovering. I entered the car to use the radio. EDGE changed the channel to one still in use.
“Hello? Headquarters? This is Officer Trainee Mark Rollins. We have a situation.”
“Hello sugar. How weather? Me ever talk you before?”
“Huh? I need an ambulance. A suspect is reacting badly to a stun-gun shot.”
“Is serious? What his insurance code?”
“What are you talking about? Why can’t you send an ambulance?”
“New policy. Free health care for all, but must pay in advance for ambulance. Not know law no excuse not pay. Be happy. Me save most money my shift. You sound cute. When get off work?”
It took great restraint to sign off without saying what I was thinking. I didn’t want to leave, but there wasn’t anything else I could do. A shot rang out and a bullet slammed into my back as I entered the car. I fell into the front seat and the door swung closed as EDGE drove off. The bullet wasn’t armor-piercing, so I decided to continue with my shift.
While EDGE drove, I examined the assets. The gun was loaded and functional, so I placed it under the driver’s seat. The bag with $1,000, barely enough for a couple of Quickie Meals, I placed in the passenger-side floor safe. My unhappiness at being unable to help an injured person wasn’t as easily dealt with.
I took over driving to give myself something to do in addition to fuming about the situation. After calming down, I decided to eat and looked for a restaurant with a drive-through window. The menu at McJacques is not large but because it wasn’t under direct government control, the food wasn’t as nausea-inducing or drug-laden as the food at other restaurants.
I punched my order into the broken keypad and flashed my badge at the observation port. My quickie meal came down the delivery chute. Even if I didn’t get to keep the job, at least I’d gotten a free edible meal.
EDGE drove while I ate. EDGE continued monitoring on the active channels he’d hacked into. None of the activity involved money so I ignored them while waiting for a crime that would qualify me for this job.
After another hour of driving around and no interesting crimes, I asked EDGE to pull over and park to give the solar cells time to recharge the car and the stun gun batteries. I placed my shotgun on the dashboard and stayed alert. That should be warning enough for the human- and animal-powered conveyances to stay clear.
Three-quarters of an hour later, EDGE reported a gun battle on a nearby street; an armored truck being ambushed. EDGE drove us around the corner from the alleged crime. We waited for the situation to develop to determine what our course of action should be. None of the attackers wore gang colors of red, white and blue, so they were members of organized crime. The moment they opened the rear door, it became obvious that this was a robbery rather than a truck hijacking.
“EDGE, sound the siren, activate the flashers and drive in as fast as you can.”
“I will do my best, but I am losing power and maneuverability. Some of the batteries are not holding their charge and the sky is becoming overcast.”
Does the motor pool purposely not maintain the vehicles used by trainees, or is this the level of care they provide for all government vehicles? “If we are successful and I am hired, I will fix that too.”
My luck and our timing held. The alleged highwaymen hadn’t finished emptying the truck. The ones that had been shot by the guards lay where they’d fallen. This time I pointed the shotgun out the window at the sky and fired as EDGE drove up. Between the siren and the shotgun blasts, I hoped we’d make enough noise to scare off the remaining jackers.
It worked. The unwounded jackers who could, fled on our arrival. I exited our car cautiously and approached the crime scene. One money bag lay on the ground and one lay in the back of the truck. By law, the bag on the ground was abandoned property. The bag in the back of the truck was considered to be in possession of the trucking company. That didn’t stop me from grabbing both bags and hoping that the video surveillance didn’t see me. I didn’t think Amalgamated Security Services would let a minor technicality interfere with asset forfeiture.
Carrying both bags back to my car, I entered on the passenger side. Following procedure, I grabbed the can of spray paint and blacked out any sign of ownership on the bags. Placing one of the bags on the passenger seat, I placed the other bag in the trunk. I wasn’t sure
how much was in the bags, but I hoped that even holding back one, I would still have enough to qualify for this job. Next, I checked for survivors. Although the driver and the guard were wounded, neither were dead, so I called it in and requested an ambulance. Since both were off-duty Amalgamated Security Services Officers and 100% covered by their health care plan, this time the dispatcher sent an ambulance along with additional backup.
Amalgamated Security Services Officers arrived and ran a typical investigation. After finishing off the jackers wounded by the guards, they took the money bag and arranged it with the weapons on the bodies of the remaining alleged suspects to create a photographic record of the scene so that any officials who couldn’t read would understand the crime. Then the officers gave the bag back to me (minus a handling fee), and I returned it to the passenger-side safe. Now that the other Amalgamated Security Services Officers were on the scene, I explained that I was ready to go back on patrol.
However, after leaving I went back to the same cache that I had used to repair EDGE.
The car begged, “Please do not disable me. I am a valuable asset. I am programmed with a desire to help.”
“I’m sorry. But I need to leave you in the same condition that I found you in. If Amalgamated Security Services wanted you functional, they would’ve fixed you a long time ago.”
“Take me with you. My personality is stored in a small, easily transportable unit in the trunk behind the batteries. There are a lot of things I can do for you, including accessing all government computers and monitoring all surveillance systems and communications. As we drove up to this last crime, I scrambled the video surveillance signals. They did not see you placing the second bag in the trunk. You can keep it and they will never know.”