“But we couldn’t hide one of our heads,” Klaus pointed out, “and with both of our heads poking out of the top we’d look like some sort of—”
“—two-headed person,” Violet finished, “and a two-headed person is exactly what a House of Freaks would put on display.”
“That’s good thinking,” Klaus said. “People won’t be on the lookout for a two-headed person. But we’ll need to disguise our faces, too.”
“The makeup kit will take care of that,” Violet said. “Mother taught me how to draw fake scars on myself when she appeared in that play about the murderer.”
“And here’s a can of talcum powder,” Klaus said. “We can use this to whiten our hair.”
“Do you think Count Olaf will notice that these things are missing from his trunk?” Violet asked.
“I doubt it,” Klaus said. “The trunk isn’t very well organized, and I don’t think he’s used some of these disguises for a long time. I think we can take enough to become a two-headed person without Olaf missing anything.”
“Beriu?” Sunny said, which meant “What about me?”
“These disguises are made for fully grown people,” Violet said, “but I’m sure we can find you something. Maybe you could fit inside one of these shoes, and be a person with just a head and one foot. That’s plenty freakish.”
“Chelish,” Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of, “I’m too big to fit inside a shoe.”
“That’s true,” Klaus said. “It’s been a while since you were shoe-sized.” He reached inside the trunk and pulled out something short and hairy, as if he had caught a raccoon. “But this might work,” he said. “I think this is the fake beard Olaf wore when he was pretending to be Stephano. It’s a long beard, so it might work as a short disguise.”
“Let’s find out,” Violet said, “and let’s find out quickly.”
The Baudelaires found out quickly. In just a few minutes, the children found out just how easy it was to transform themselves into entirely different people. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny had some experience in disguising themselves, of course—Klaus and Sunny had used medical coats at Heimlich Hospital in a plan to rescue Violet, and even Sunny could remember when all three siblings had occasionally worn costumes for their own amusement, back when they had lived in the Baudelaire mansion with their parents. But this time, the Baudelaire orphans felt more like Count Olaf and his troupe, as they worked quietly and hurriedly in the night to erase all traces of their true identities. Violet felt through the makeup kit until she found several pencils that were normally used to make one’s eyebrows more dramatic, and even though it was simple and painless to draw scars on Klaus’s face, it felt as if she were breaking the promise she made to her parents, a very long time ago, that she would always look after her siblings and keep them away from harm. Klaus helped Sunny wrap herself in Olaf’s fake beard, but when he saw her eyes and the tips of her teeth peeking out of the mass of scratchy hair, it felt as if he had fed his baby sister to some tiny but hungry animal. And as Sunny helped her siblings button themselves into the fancy shirt and sprinkle talcum on their hair to turn it gray, it felt as if they were melting into Olaf’s clothes. The three Baudelaires looked at one another carefully but it was as if there were no Baudelaires there at all, just two strangers, one with two heads and the other with a head that was covered in fur, all alone in the hinterlands.
“I think we look utterly unrecognizable,” Klaus said, turning with difficulty to face his older sister. “Maybe it’s because I took off my glasses, but to me we don’t look a thing like ourselves.”
“Will you be able to see without your glasses?” Violet asked.
“If I squint,” Klaus said, squinting. “I can’t read like this, but I won’t be bumping into things. If I keep them on, Count Olaf will probably recognize me.”
“Then you’d better keep them off,” Violet said, “and I’ll stop wearing a ribbon in my hair.”
“We’d better disguise our voices, too,” Klaus said. “I’ll try to speak as high as I can, and why don’t you try to speak in a low voice, Violet?”
“Good idea,” Violet said, in as low a voice as she could. “And Sunny, you should probably just growl.”
“Grr,” Sunny tried.
“You sound like a wolf,” Violet said, still practicing her disguised tone. “Let’s tell Madame Lulu that you’re half wolf and half person.”
“That would be a miserable experience,” Klaus said, in the highest voice he could manage. “But I suppose being born with two heads wouldn’t be any easier.”
“We’ll explain to Lulu that we’ve had miserable experiences, but now we’re hoping things will get better working at the carnival,” Violet said, and then sighed. “That’s one thing we don’t have to pretend. We have had miserable experiences, and we are hoping that things will get better here. We’re almost as freakish as we’re pretending to be.”
“Don’t say that,” Klaus said, and then remembered his new voice. “Don’t say that,” he said again, at a much higher pitch. “We’re not freaks. We’re still the Baudelaires, even if we’re wearing Olaf’s disguises.”
“I know,” Violet said, in her new voice, “but it’s a little confusing pretending to be a completely different person.”
“Grr,” Sunny growled in agreement, and the three children put the rest of Count Olaf’s things back in the trunk, and walked in silence to Madame Lulu’s caravan. It was awkward for Violet and Klaus to walk in the same pair of pants, and Sunny had to keep stopping to brush the beard out of her eyes. It was confusing pretending to be completely different people, particularly because it had been so long since the Baudelaires were able to be the people they really were. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny did not think of themselves as the sort of children who hid in the trunks of automobiles, or who wore disguises, or who tried to get jobs at the House of Freaks. But the siblings could scarcely remember when they had been able to relax and do the things they liked to do best. It seemed ages since Violet had been able to sit around and think of inventions, instead of frantically building something to get them out of trouble. Klaus could barely remember the last book he had read for his own enjoyment, instead of as research to defeat one of Olaf’s schemes. And Sunny had used her teeth many, many times to escape from difficult situations, but it had been quite a while since she had bitten something recreationally. As the youngsters approached the caravan, it seemed as if each awkward step took them further and further from their real lives as Baudelaires, and into their disguised lives as carnival freaks, and it was indeed very confusing. When Sunny knocked on the door, Madame Lulu called out, “Who’s there?” and for the first time in their lives, it was a confusing question.
“We’re freaks,” Violet answered, in her disguised voice. “We’re three—I mean, we’re two freaks looking for work.”
The door opened with a creak, and the children got their first look at Madame Lulu. She was wearing a long, shimmering robe that seemed to change colors as she moved, and a turban that looked very much like the one Count Olaf had worn back at Prufrock Preparatory School. She had dark, piercing eyes, with two dramatic eyebrows hovering suspiciously as she looked them over. Behind her, sitting at a small round table, were Count Olaf, Esmé Squalor, and Olaf’s comrades, who were all staring at the youngsters curiously. And as if all those curious eyes weren’t enough, there was one more eye gazing at the Baudelaires—a glass eye, attached to a chain around Madame Lulu’s neck. The eye matched the one painted on her caravan, and the one tattooed on Count Olaf’s ankle. It was an eye that seemed to follow the Baudelaires wherever they went, drawing them deeper and deeper into the troubling mystery of their lives.
“Walk in, please,” Madame Lulu said in her strange accent, and the disguised children obeyed. As freakishly as they could, the Baudelaire orphans walked in, taking a few steps closer to all those staring eyes, and a few steps further from the lives they were leaving behind.
CHAPTER
Three
&nb
sp; Besides getting several paper cuts in the same day or receiving the news that someone in your family has betrayed you to your enemies, one of the most unpleasant experiences in life is a job interview. It is very nerve-wracking to explain to someone all the things you can do in the hopes that they will pay you to do them. I once had a very difficult job interview in which I had not only to explain that I could hit an olive with a bow and arrow, memorize up to three pages of poetry, and determine if there was poison mixed into cheese fondue without tasting it, but I had to demonstrate all these things as well. In most cases, the best strategy for a job interview is to be fairly honest, because the worst thing that can happen is that you won’t get the job and will spend the rest of your life foraging for food in the wilderness and seeking shelter underneath a tree or the awning of a bowling alley that has gone out of business, but in the case of the Baudelaire orphans’ job interview with Madame Lulu, the situation was much more desperate. They could not be honest at all, because they were disguised as entirely different people, and the worst thing that could happen was being discovered by Count Olaf and his troupe and spending the rest of their lives in circumstances so terrible that the children could not bear to think of them.
“Sit down, please, and Lulu will interview you for carnival job,” Madame Lulu said, gesturing to the round table where Olaf and his troupe were sitting. Violet and Klaus sat down on one chair with difficulty, and Sunny crawled onto another while everyone watched them in silence. The troupe had their elbows on the table and were eating the snacks Lulu had provided with their fingers, while Esmé Squalor sipped her buttermilk, and Count Olaf leaned back in his chair and looked at the Baudelaires very, very carefully.
“It seems to me you look very familiar,” he said.
“Perhaps you have seen before the freaks, my Olaf,” Lulu said. “What are names of the freaks?”
“My name is Beverly,” Violet said, in her low, disguised voice, inventing a name as quickly as she could invent an ironing board. “And this is my other head, Elliot.”
Olaf reached across the table to shake hands, and Violet and Klaus had to stop for a moment to figure out whose arm was sticking out of the right-hand sleeve. “It’s very nice to meet you both,” he said. “It must be very difficult, having two heads.”
“Oh, yes,” Klaus said, in as high a voice as he could manage. “You can’t imagine how troublesome it is to find clothing.”
“I was just noticing your shirt,” Esmé said. “It’s very in.”
“Just because we’re freaks,” Violet said, “doesn’t mean we don’t care about fashion.”
“How about eating?” Count Olaf said, his eyes shining brightly. “Do you have trouble eating?”
“Well, I—I mean, well, we—” Klaus said, but before he could go on, Olaf grabbed a long ear of corn from a platter on the table and held it toward the two children.
“Let’s see how much trouble you have,” he snarled, as his henchmen began to giggle. “Eat this ear of corn, you two-headed freak.”
“Yes,” Madame Lulu agreed. “It is best way to see if you can work in carnival. Eat corn! Eat corn!”
Violet and Klaus looked at one another, and then reached out one hand each to take the corn from Olaf and hold it awkwardly in front of their mouths. Violet leaned forward to take the first bite, but the motion of the corn made it slip from Klaus’s hand and fall back down onto the table, and the room roared with cruel laughter.
“Look at them!” one of the white-faced women laughed. “They can’t even eat an ear of corn! How freakish!”
“Try again,” Olaf said with a nasty smile. “Pick the corn up from the table, freak.”
The children picked up the corn and held it to their mouths once more. Klaus squinted and tried to take a bite, but when Violet tried to move the corn to help him, it hit him in the face and everyone—except for Sunny, of course—laughed once more.
“You are funny freaks,” Madame Lulu said. She was laughing so hard that she had to wipe her eyes, and when she did, one of her dramatic eyebrows smeared slightly, as if she had a small bruise above one eye. “Try again, Beverly-and-Elliot freak!”
“This is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen,” said the hook-handed man. “I always thought people with birth defects were unfortunate, but now I realize they’re hilarious.”
Violet and Klaus wanted to point out that a man with hooks for hands would probably have an equally difficult time eating an ear of corn, but they knew that a job interview is rarely a good time to start arguments, so the siblings swallowed their words and began swallowing corn. After a few bites, the children began to get their bearings, a phrase which here means “figure out how two people, using only two hands, can eat one ear of corn at the same time,” but it was still quite a difficult task. The ear of corn was greasy with butter that left damp streaks on their mouths or dripped down their chins. Sometimes the ear of corn would be at a perfect angle for one of them to bite, but would be poking the other one in the face. And often the ear of corn would simply slip out of their hands, and everyone would laugh yet again.
“This is more fun than kidnapping!” said the bald associate of Olaf’s, who was shaking with laughter. “Lulu, this freak will have people coming from miles around to watch, and all it will cost you is an ear of corn!”
“Is true, please,” Madame Lulu agreed, and looked down at Violet and Klaus. “The crowd loves sloppy eating,” she said. “You are hired for House of Freaks show.”
“How about that other one?” Esmé asked, giggling and wiping buttermilk from her upper lip. “What is that freak, some sort of living scarf?”
“Chabo!” Sunny said to her siblings. She meant something like, “I know this is humiliating, but at least our disguises are working!” but Violet was quick to disguise her translation.
“This is Chabo the Wolf Baby,” she said, in her low voice. “Her mother was a hunter who fell in love with a handsome wolf, and this is their poor child.”
“I didn’t even know that was possible,” said the hook-handed man.
“Grr,” Sunny growled.
“It might be funny to watch her eat corn, too,” said the bald man, and he grabbed another ear of corn and waved it at the youngest Baudelaire. “Here Chabo! Have an ear of corn!”
Sunny opened her mouth wide, but when the bald man saw the tips of her teeth poking out through the beard, he yanked his hand back in fear.
“Yikes!” he said. “That freak is vicious!”
“She’s still a bit wild,” Klaus said, still speaking as high as he could. “In fact, we got all these horrible scars from teasing her.”
“Grr,” Sunny growled again, and bit a piece of silverware to demonstrate how wild she was.
“Chabo will be excellent carnival attraction,” Madame Lulu pronounced. “People are always liking of violence, please. You are hired, too, Chabo.”
“Just keep her away from me,” Esmé said. “A wolf baby like that would probably ruin my outfit.”
“Grr!” Sunny growled.
“Come now, freaky people,” Madame Lulu said. “Madame Lulu will show you the caravan, please, where you will do the sleeping.”
“We’ll stay here and have more wine,” Count Olaf said. “Congratulations on the new freaks, Lulu. I knew you’d have good luck with me around.”
“Everyone does,” Esmé said, and kissed Olaf on the cheek. Madame Lulu scowled, and led the children out of her caravan and into the night.
“Follow me, freaks, please,” she said. “You will be living, please, in freaks’ caravan. You will share with other freaks. There is Hugo, Colette, and Kevin, all freaks. Every day will be House of Freaks show. Beverly and Elliot, you will be eating of corn, please. Chabo, you will be attacking of audience, please. Are there any freaky questions?”
“Will we be paid?” Klaus asked. He was thinking that having some money might help the Baudelaires, if they learned the answers to their questions and had an opportunity to get away from the carniv
al.
“No, no, no,” Madame Lulu said. “Madame Lulu will be giving no money to the freaks, please. If you are freak, you are lucky that someone will give you work. Look at man with hooks on hands. He is grateful to do the working for Count Olaf, even though Olaf will not be giving him of the Baudelaire fortune.”
“Count Olaf?” Violet asked, pretending that her worst enemy was a complete stranger. “Is that the gentleman with one eyebrow?”
“That is Olaf,” Lulu said. “He is brilliant man, but do not be saying the wrong things to him, please. Madame Lulu always says you must always give people what they want, so always tell Olaf he is brilliant man.”
“We’ll remember that,” Klaus said.
“Good, please,” Madame Lulu said. “Now, here is freak caravan. Welcome freaks, to your new home.”
The fortune-teller had stopped at a caravan with the word FREAKS painted on it in large, sloppy letters. The letters were smeared and dripping in several places, as if the paint was still wet, but the word was so faded that the Baudelaires knew the caravan had been labeled many years ago. Next to the caravan was a shabby tent with several holes in it and a sign reading WELCOME TO THE HOUSE OF FREAKS, with a small drawing of a girl with three eyes. Madame Lulu strode past the sign to knock on the caravan’s wooden door.
“Freaks!” Madame Lulu cried. “Please wake up, please! New freaks are here for you to say hello!”
“Just a minute, Madame Lulu,” called a voice from behind the door.
“No just a minute, please,” Madame Lulu said. “Now! I am the boss of the carnival!”
The door swung open to reveal a sleepy-looking man with a hunchback, a word which here means “a back with a hump near the shoulder, giving the person a somewhat irregular appearance.” He was wearing a pair of pajamas that were ripped at the shoulder to make room for his hunchback, and holding a small candle to help him see in the dark. “I know you are the boss, Madame Lulu,” the man said, “but it’s the middle of the night. Don’t you want your freaks to be well-rested?”