“Not from you, you little shit.” Sean tries to shoulder past him, but Trystan won’t move.
“Nah ah.” He waggles his finger in Sean’s face. “Where are your manners? Your mother would be appalled.”
“My mother is already appalled, just like yours, except mine didn’t run off into the night.” Sean says the words lightly, but they sting like acid. I can see it on Trystan’s face.
Before the constant smile slips away, Trystan throws a punch. It catches Sean off-guard and connects with his cheek. In a blink, Sean reacts and the two of them are beating the shit out each other in the parking lot while I stand there, ready to collapse. Why do they hate each other? They seriously have so much in common that they could be brothers. Instead, they fight like lunatics.
More punches fly as the swearing and insults grow louder. I stand there with my arms folded over my chest, annoyed. A moment later, Jon is standing next to me. “Ah, what the fuck. They couldn’t fight inside?”
I glance at him. “So you’re not going to break it up?”
“I’ve tried before. Once the two of them start, it’s hard to pull them apart.” Jon sighs and runs his hands through his hair before walking toward the fight and bellowing at them to cut it out. As he predicted, they don’t listen.
Mel steps out next to me and glances at them. “Holy fuck. What a buncha stupid white boys. Why don’t they just invite the whole fucking police force into the bar? Avery, this has gotta stop. Like now.”
I agree and I’m too tired to think. It’s cold out here and I’m not wearing a shirt under Sean’s jacket. My body aches and is so tired that I’m ready to fall over. I could get Mel and leave, but I need to talk things out with Sean. I don’t want to walk around for the rest of my life never knowing what would have happened.
“Fuck it.” I’m exhausted and Mel notices. She also notices that I’m not really thinking. I go to the side of the building where there’s a spigot and twist it on. There’s water, but no hose. That’s not going to stop me. I go back to the door and rip off the thick plastic CLOSED sign.
“Uh, Avery…” Mel tries to stop me, but I don’t listen. If they want to act like children, then I’m treating them that way.
I twist the faucet until the water is spewing out and then press the piece of plastic against the metal head. It wouldn’t work if they were at the other end of the parking lot, but they aren’t. All three of them stop when they get blasted with freezing, cold water. Trystan has a cut on his cheek and when it mixes with the water, it runs down his face in a river of red. Sean’s temple opened up again and the side of his face is covered in blood. I stand there spraying them as they stare at me and I don’t stop until Sean steps away from Trystan.
I’m soaked too. The water sprayed everywhere, soaking me to the bone. When I finally drop the piece of plastic, I say, “I’m going inside, and if you guys have half a brain between you, you’ll follow.”
Mel is on my heels when I walk through the door. “Holy shit! You’re going to get killed by a rock star and two of the Ferro brothers. I can see the headlines now, Poor Little White Girl Never Knew What Hit Her.”
“I’m not in the mood, Mel.”
“Of course you are!” She’s chipper for someone on the run.
“Mel, I need to talk to you. A lot of shit’s gone down and I’m exhausted.”
Her smile fades. “No problem, Avery girl. Let me find you some dry clothes, or do you just want pants? That bra-only look is so 1980’s, by the way.”
I forgot. I’m standing there, dripping, with the jacket hanging open. Everyone is staring at me. There are a few girls inside, along with Bryan Ferro. I expect him to tease me, but he doesn’t. He scolds Mel, “Hurry up and grab her a sweatshirt. She’s freezing.” He walks over to me before Sean is inside and the look of concern on his face kills me. This guy who is always laughing and he has no trace of a smile on his face. “How are your stitches holding up?”
“Mine are fine. Thanks.”
Bryan glances around quickly and leans in to say something in my ear, something that he doesn’t want anyone else to hear. But when Sean comes through the door, and sees us, he practically erupts. Bryan reacts by kissing my cheek and grinning at Sean. “Your fiancé is smokin’ hot and freezing. Stop being a jackass for two seconds and take care of her, or I will.”
Sean is ready to take Bryan’s head off, but his cousin walks away laughing before anything else happens. “Sean.” When I say his name the anger melts off his face and he looks down at me. “I ruined your jacket.”
“It’s okay.” Sean runs his fingers through his hair, making water splatter on the floor. “I’m sorry, Avery.”
“Don’t tell me, tell him.” I point at Trystan, who just walked in. He’s in the process of stripping his shirt off, revealing ripped abs and a necklace with a ring hanging on it.
Trystan looks up and dabs his wet shirt to his cut. “What?”
Sean’s jaw locks tight and I think he’s going to lose it, but he doesn’t. “I shouldn’t have said that, Scott. My apologies.”
Jon is standing next to Trystan. His eyes go wide and his chin hits the floor. A second later, Jon and Trystan stare at each other. Then, Trystan smirks and holds up his hands. “If you try to hug me, I’ll have to kick your ass again.”
Sean tries not to grin. “Asshole.”
“Pretty much, yeah.”
I jab Sean in the ribs. “You can’t apologize to someone and then call them names. What’s wrong with you?”
Jon swats his hand through the air and laughs. “We’ve been trying to figure that out for years. Good luck.” Jon and Trystan disappear into the office after locking the front door.
Mel brings me dry clothes, and then Sean and I sneak into the back and find a table. We close the door. I’m afraid and furious. The emotions are battling within me. Sean sits at the little black table. It’s covered in nicks and has names carved into the top. It’s been repainted with black lacquer over and over again. I don’t sit down. I press my finger to the wood and say, “Tell me why I should stay.”
Sean’s silent for a moment and then replies, “Because I love you. Because you love me.”
“And yet, you act like this. You had a business associate kidnap me. They drugged me, Sean!”
“It was the best way to protect you. I’m sorry it didn’t work and the fucker is still out there. I won’t let him near you, even if you don’t want to be together anymore.”
I’m so frustrated that I make a noise in the back of my throat and tug at my hair. “Don’t you see? I want to be with you! I want to be your wife and share your life, but you can’t seem to grasp the concept of sharing. I don’t want to be forced to be someone I’m not. I’m not okay with you hiding things from me, so tell me the truth, and tell me now or this is over.” The ultimatum. There, I said it, even though I didn’t want to… Things can’t go on like this.
Sean takes a long slow breath and lowers his gaze. He stares blankly, and asks, “What do you want to know? Ask and I’ll tell you, but realize you may not like the answer.”
I slip into my seat opposite him. We don’t touch, even though both of us have our hands on the table. I can’t look him in the eye, but I manage to get the question out. “How many fiancées have you had, including your late wife?”
“Four.”
He’s right; I didn’t want to hear that. “And I’m the fourth? And the third is a fake, and the first was Amanda. So who was the second?” A sinking feeling fills my chest as I watch him. It’s clear that Sean doesn’t want to tell me, but he does.
“Your employer, Miss Black.” His blue gaze flicks up to meet mine. I gasp when he says it. “And she was the first, not the second.”
My lips part in shock. The guy Black mentioned, the one she regretted parting ways with, was Sean? “You dated Black when she was a call girl?”
“Yes, but I had no idea, and when I found out my moral ass couldn’t condone her actions, so I left. When I’m in New Yo
rk, she sets me up with a girl from her company and we act like nothing ever happened between us. I was so young then, barely out of high school, and she was so worried that I’d leave and she’d have nothing. Her fear spawned the reality.”
I don’t know what to do with this information, so I stuff it in the back corner of my mind. Black mentioned she made a mistake when we first met. There was some guy that she lost because of the job and she seemed to regret it. Was she speaking about Sean? I can’t even fathom the notion. She’s older than him by at least five years. How’d they even meet?
I switch gears to the other questions I’ve had rattling around in my mind. “Did you love Amanda?”
He glances up at me. “Did you love your parents?”
My jaw locks and I refuse to show more emotion. My gaze narrows. “I’m not taking anything for granted. Did you love her?”
Sean sighs and runs his hands through his dark hair. “Yeah, I loved her. I wish I was there that night. I wish I died with her so I didn’t have to endure this. I’m a morbid fuck, Avery. Seeing you, and finding out you were working for Black, felt like a slap in the face. But, then I realized that you didn’t know our history—that you were telling the truth. You captivated me in a way that’s incomparable. I had to know more about you. Then, Black put her foot down and said no. I had to twist her arm to get her to say yes for another date. She always says yes to more money. It’s the chink in her armor. She’s so afraid of being poor again.”
“Wait a second—you asked me to marry you knowing that Black would throw a hissy fit?”
“That’s an understatement. She’s more likely to put a bullet in my brain, but I know she won’t hurt you. You’re the prize we’re fighting over. She wants to keep you around because you’re a money tree and I want you because, well, you already know that part.”
I swallow hard. I saved the darkest question for last. It’s finally time to ask. “And the box?” I don’t need to elaborate; we both know what I’m talking about.
His lips are pressed tightly together and he holds his breath. I know he doesn’t want to tell me, but he does. “I was angry after Amanda died and handled a call girl a little too roughly in a small space. She was terrified and begged me to stop. I didn’t.” He doesn’t look up. Instead, Sean’s gaze is glued to the floor with his hands tugging on the back of his neck, as if he hoping the ground will open up and suck him straight to Hell.
I’m cold, and don’t spare him. I have to know what he did and what happened. Being like that with him triggered something. I have to know. “What happened to her?”
Sean’s lips are smashed together, forming a thin line. The muscles in his arms are bulging as he pulls on his neck. After a moment he sucks in air and confesses, “I pushed her past her limit. She couldn’t stop screaming while I was fucking her, and then she went silent. I thought she was all right, but she wasn’t. When I was finished with her, I let her out, but she had a blank expression on her face. I talked to her, but she didn’t respond. Her eyes had a vacant haze, as if she was no longer there. The woman is a walking shell of what she’d been. I destroyed her. She’s in South Oaks and has been since our encounter.”
My eyes are wide with shock. “The mental hospital?” He nods. “And being like that with me, in that small dark space, did what? Made you think of her?” My skin is covered in goose bumps. I want to cry. That woman could have easily been me. I’ve tried to do that for him, and he reacts to my fear—it arouses him in a way that’s incomparable to anything else.
“Yes, I thought of her, and then Amanda. Everything I touch dies in my hand and the same thing’s happening to you. You were vibrant when I met you, and now I’ve blanched the color from your cheeks and caused you nothing but pain.”
I say the words that I’ve been thinking, because that’s all that really matters. “How do you want this story to end?”
Sean glances up at me. There’s a sheen over those dark eyes and I can tell he’s surprised. He expected me to run screaming, but I’m still sitting here. I haven’t moved or berated him for his actions. Death can destroy people and make them long to be amongst the ones they lost. I understand that part of him more than he thinks. “I want you to be safe.”
I smile sadly at him. “We both know there’s no such thing. The concept of safety is fake. We both know that. Anything could happen to anyone at any time.”
“You’re safer without me. We both know that.” He sits up straight and shakes his head.
“Perhaps, but if you hadn’t come along when you did, I would have done something horrible with someone else to ease my pain. They wouldn’t have cared about me. You do.”
“Stop making logical arguments, Miss Smith. That’s supposed to be my job.” He watches me and although I want to smile, I don’t. Sean glances away and sighs. “So what now? What do you want, Avery?”
“I know exactly what I want. I want the man that’s hidden beneath the layers of grief and scorn. I want to stop feeding the monster that preys on darkness and fear. I want the real you, the one you’ve banished, because you’re afraid that man will turn to dust in the daylight. I want you—the real you. The man that laughs with his whole body, the one that stuffed snow down my pants, and brought me a gourmet dinner on the beach. I want the man who put the ring on my finger and I don’t want him to run when he’s afraid.”
Our gazes lock as I speak, and those last few words cut him, but it’s true and he needs to hear it. I say it as gently as I know how, but kid gloves won’t help right now. He needs to hear the truth. “Sean, I know you don’t think of yourself as a weak person, but with this, you are. Cowering, and disguising who you are and what you think, isn’t living—it’s hiding.”
Sean stands abruptly. His hands tense at his sides and his lungs fill with air quickly, like he wants to scream. But Sean swallows it back down and strides across the room, away from me. Before I can say another word, Sean disappears through the door without looking back.
CHAPTER 6
I remain in the stripper’s dressing room until Mel finds me. I’m lying on a bench with my arm over my face. Mel starts chattering the instant she sees me. “That man has some seriously oversized ovaries. Can you say PMS? He barked at anyone and everyone before shoving his way outside.”
Moving my arm, I glance at her. “Tell me you’re talking about Trystan.”
“Hey! Don’t you go dissin’ my man. Me and Crème Brule are going to be the perfect couple, get married, and have lots of perfect babies. You wait and see.” Mel’s voice has that teasing tone. She has a serious crush on Trystan, which means she won’t go after him. She’s like Sean with things like that. Anyone she actually cares about, she keeps at arm’s length—except me.
I sit up and swing my legs to the floor. “Does he know you call him that?”
“What? Like he’d be offended. It’s the perfect dessert, all rich and white.” She giggles and then slaps her hand over her mouth. “Uh, you didn’t see that.”
I roll my eyes. “You are so mental. If you like him, ask him out.”
“He’s a rock star, Avery. You don’t just walk up to the guy and say, ‘hey, you wanna go out with me?’ Plus, Miss Black will kill me.”
“Miss Black wants to kill you anyway. And you should do what you want. Life’s too short.” I feel a dazed look settle on my face—the one I have when my mind starts to wade through dark thoughts. My mind is a goddamn swamp. No matter which direction I turn, there’s more dark sludge. It’s everywhere.
“So, why’d Mr. Pampered-Ass run?”
I look over at her with a sheepish grin. “I told him he was a coward.”
Mel’s jaw drops. “Holy shit on toast! You did not!”
“I did. He asked what I wanted and I told him—I want him to stop running from himself.”
“Psh, if that’s not the blind leading the blind, I don’t know what is.”
“It is not.”
“It is so. You’re gonna lead that boy right off a cliff. Avery, you
don’t even have your own shit together. How can you ask him to do that when you can’t?”
I puff up, offended. “I can so!”
“Avery girl, I love you, but you can’t see past your tits on this. You cower and hide from life the same way he does. How you choose to manifest that fear is different and more socially acceptable, but you’re both in the flame out stage. You’re no better than him.”
It feels like she punched me in the stomach. I raise my voice and wag a finger in her face. “You don’t know shit about this, okay. You don’t know Sean or what he’s done. We’re not the same.”
“Yeah, that’s where you’re wrong. You’re both candy-coated crazy people. You seem all sweet on the outside, but once you get past that outer shell, you’re both a fucking mess. If you can’t admit that, I don’t know if we can be friends. It’s one of the only things we have in common.” She smiles at me. “Avery, you have to know that about yourself. Are you seriously sitting there, telling me that you had no fucking clue?”
Am I really that messed up? I thought I was healing. My hackles lower a little bit and I admit, “It’s not intentional.”
“Of course not, and that’s the point. It’s a defense mechanism—you can’t turn it off. If you tried, you’d have nothing to shield yourself with. You just told Wonderbread that he’s a coward for leaving his defenses up. The man’s been through some serious shit.”
“And you’re defending him…”
“If that’s your main issue with the guy, yeah.”
“He put some call girl in South Oaks.”
“Did he light her on fire or fuck her?” I glance at her like she’s crazy. “Uh, Avery, call girls are there to be screwed. If she didn’t want him to do her, she shouldn’t have taken the job. If he lit her on fire or buried her alive to listen to her scream, then I’d be more concerned.”
“He doesn’t do that, but he likes fear. He thrives on it.”
“Dark fucker, isn’t he?” I nod. “Kind of like me. Well, since you two are no longer an item, I want Sean. I bet I can make him cry.”