'And you got pregnant first time?'
'Yes, thank God,' said Mum sincerely. 'Because I got you.'
'Why . . . didn't you have an abortion like Grandad Kamal wanted?' I had to ask. 'You and Dad could have been together . . . '
'You really don't know?' Mum asked softly.
I shook my head. I had battled for months and months to try and figure that one out, but each possible reason was assessed and dismissed.
'Callum was . . . my present. You are the future. Callum was love. You are . . . hope. Callum was my other half. You are Callum and I as a whole. And there was no way Callum would have wanted to live, knowing you died for him. I know that like I know my own name. Your dad loved us both too much to put an end to something started with so much love.'
'So Dad never . . . raped you?' I had to look down as I spoke.
Mum placed her hand beneath my chin and lifted my face until my gaze met hers. 'Never. Never, ever. Your dad would've died before he did such a thing.'
'And that letter you showed me was real?' I asked. 'Dad really did . . . love you – and me?'
'He loved us very much, Callie Rose. I'm going to keep telling you that until you start believing me. If you doubt it, read your dad's letter again.'
So I did, slowly, carefully, letting each word of love wash over me. All at once I felt strangely lighter than air. Like something had been pressing me down, something heavy and malevolent. And now it was gone. I felt so strange, like a window had been thrown open inside my head and my heart, where there had been closed shutters before. And the light and the bright were filling me up so fast I could hardly breathe. A weird and wonderful feeling flooded through me as I looked at Mum. A feeling stronger than concern and as enduring as love. It took me more than a few seconds to recognize what it was.
Hope.
For the first time in, oh, so long, I had hope for the future. Hope that Nana Jasmine would get well again. Hope for Tobey and Lucas and school and my friends. Hope that Mum and I might get to know each other, might be friends, might even one day find something more.
Hope tried to flutter up within me. Doubt tried to squash it back down again.
'Mum?'
'Yes, love.'
'Why d'you believe Dad's first letter and not his second? Maybe the second one was the one he really meant?'
'No, he meant the first one,' Mum told me emphatically.
I needed more than words. I needed Mum's conviction to sweep away my fears.
So I asked again, 'Yes, but how d'you know?'
one hundred and twenty-five.
Sephy
'Callie Rose, I know because now I trust my heart and I trust my memories and I trust Callum. He was always there for me – always. And when I was kidnapped, your dad was the one who helped me escape. He loved me.'
I closed my eyes and snapped back to a time in a bare room, in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. Back to one of the happiest moments of my life. The one and only time Callum and I had made love.
Callum's kisses burned against my body, almost as much as his words, whispered against my skin, had indelibly burned their way into my mind. He kissed me like he was a drowning man and I was his oxygen. I didn't even have to think to remember all the things he'd done to me before his body moved over mine, his legs parting mine.
'Sephy, I want you . . . so much . . .' Callum told me, his grey eyes burning, blazing bright.
'Callum, you've got me,' I whispered back. 'Always and for ever. Don't you know that?'
We watched each other for countless seconds, until I smiled, making no attempt to hide what I felt for him. Maybe he just couldn't wait any more, or maybe it was my smile that did it. His mouth covered mine, his tongue thrusting between my lips as his body joined with mine. The breath caught in my throat and I was immediately still. Not because he was hurting me, but because in that second when our bodies melted together, it was like . . . like touching heaven. Callum was right. There was no other way to describe it. Like touching heaven.
'Sephy . . .' Callum looked at me then, all regret and concern, mistaking the reason for my stillness. He was going to pull away and leave me. I held him tight inside, just as my arms held him to me. Then I cupped his face with my hands.
'Don't stop,' I whispered.
Callum took one of my hands in his, our fingers linked together. I smiled at our fingers together. How I loved the contrast in our skin colour, alternating brown and pink, Cross and Nought, me and Callum. I kissed his fingers as Callum moved very slowly further into me. I could feel every part of him and it was like we were born for this moment. hike he was me and I was him and we could never go back to being two people.
Callum pulled back slowly and then moved forward again, just as slowly. It was a pleasurable torture that was almost too much to bear.
'I love you, Persephone,' Callum said softly, still moving within me. And then he kissed me so long and so hard. And I didn't even realize I was holding my breath until I gasped not just from what Callum was doing to me, but to drag air back down into my lungs.
'I love you,' Callum said again. 'Only you. For ever.'
But I hardly heard him. My skin was almost unbearably hot, my insides were hotter, melting me from the inside out. I rocked against him, wanting to make our time last for ever but desperate for the increasing tension in my body to be released some way, somehow. 'Kiss me,' I pleaded.
Callum's lips worked their way up to my neck and nibbled on my ear and across my cheek until his mouth was against mine. My arms were wrapped round him, pulling him closer, ever closer, always closer. His arms were wrapped around me. It was kissing and touching and belonging and being, all at once. There was something deep inside me coiling tighter and tighter like a key in a wind-up toy. But I didn't break. Instead my body became a fireworks display. I held onto Callum for dear life, my eyes wide open as I stared at him, stunned. I gave myself up completely to this new sensation overwhelming my body. It was like nothing I'd ever experienced before, like nothing I'd ever imagined. And Callum looked just as stunned by the wonder of it as I was. He closed his eyes and groaned his release.
We'd lifted off from Earth and touched heaven all right.
But heaven burned.
And freefalling back down to Earth brought with it a new kind of reality. The fantasy was over. I clung to Callum, trying to hold onto the moment, trying to make it mine for ever, but it wasn't working. I couldn't make it work. Until Callum started to make love to me all over again, with even more love and tenderness than before. And the second time I was so sure we'd always be as one, stay as one, that it was a shock to come back down to Earth and the truth. So the tears had started . . .
'Mum, what're you thinking about? Mum? Mum?'
I looked up, emerging from my vivid memories on a wave of heated embarrassment.
'On second thoughts, don't tell me,' said Callie, dryly. 'I'm probably too young to hear it.'
I laughed.
'Were my thoughts that obvious?'
'Not until you blushed.'
'How did you know I blushed? My cheeks are too dark to go red like yours.'
'The tips of your ears went red,' Callie told me with relish. 'What were you thinking about?'
'Your dad,' I smiled. 'To answer your question, Callie, there are no guarantees in this life. Some things you just know in your heart. And some things you have to take on faith. That's how I know your dad meant the first letter he wrote and not the second. That's how I know Callum loved both of us more than his own life.' Then I remembered something else. I beamed at Callie.
'What?' she asked immediately.
'There was a prison guard called' – I had to concentrate for a moment to remember – 'called Jack. Jack Labinjah. He was with your dad on the day he died.' My smile faded with the memory but inside I felt strangely peaceful. 'Your dad told Jack that he meant the first letter, but he wanted me to move on with my life so he wrote the second. Dippy git!'
Callie tilted her head to one si
de, looking so much like her dad that my heart leaped. She said, her tone straightforward, 'You loved Dad very much, didn't you?'
I nodded. 'Very, very much. For a long, long time I thought it'd be impossible for me to love anyone else.'
'Did you love Sonny?' Callie asked me seriously.
'Yes, I did,' I said. 'I tried to convince myself that our relationship was one of . . . mutual convenience but I was wrong. Sonny loved me. And if I hadn't been so afraid, I could've loved him as he deserved.'
'Afraid of what?'
'Afraid of falling in love with anyone but Callum. Afraid of being disloyal to your dad if I gave my heart to someone else. And I was convinced I brought nothing but bad luck to anyone who dared to love me,' I said sombrely. 'So I refused to put my whole heart and soul into our relationship. And Sonny knew that.'
'D'you still love Dad?'
'I'll always love him.'
'How can you love Dad and take up with someone else?'
'Ah, Callie, your dad will always have a special place in my heart. A place that will always be his and no one else's. But it's unrealistic to think that there's only one person in this world whom any of us can love. Some lucky people get to fall in love with one person and spend the rest of their lives with that person – but they are few and far between.'
'I don't get it.' Callie shook her head.
How could I put this so she'd understand?
'Callum and I were like a fire that couldn't burn itself out. We were all-consuming passion and intense emotions. If we'd had the chance to be together, I think we would've spent the rest of our lives blissfully telling the rest of the world to go to hell. But we didn't get that chance. And when I got that venomous letter from Callum after you were born, I thought I was . . . unlovable. Sonny came along to show me that wasn't true, but our timing was off
'And what about Nathan?'
'Nathan and I understand each other,' I said. 'It's not all fiery passion, but it's caring and sharing and comfortable.'
The unimpressed look on Callie's face made me laugh.
'I don't mean it's boring. It's not. But we share the same sense of humour and the same values and I like him very much. It's very important to like the one you're with as well as love them, Callie Rose. Don't you forget that.'
one hundred and twenty-six.
Callie Rose
I had an awful lot to think about. Too much to take in all in one go. But this much I knew for certain:
My dad was Callum Ryan McGregor.
My dad loved my mum.
My mum is Persephone Mira Hadley.
My mum loved my dad.
I was conceived with love, not hatred.
My dad loved me.
That's all I know so far.
But it's a pretty good start.
'So what happens now?' I asked Mum.
'I don't know,' replied Mum softly. 'What d'you want to happen now?'
I wanted to snap my fingers and make the world and Mum and me right. But it wasn't that easy. I tried to tell myself that nothing worth having ever was.
'You and me,' I sighed. 'We still have so much between us.'
'A lot behind us,' Mum agreed. 'But a lot more ahead of us.'
'I wish I'd heard the truth about Dad from you, Mum,' I told her, unable to let it go completely.
'I know, love. I know.'
'No more lies?'
'No more lies,' Mum promised.
But the past clung to me like a scratchy shirt sewn to my skin. How wonderful to be able to cast it off, but that would take more work – from both of us. We both sat for a while, but the silence was calm rather than uncomfortable.
'Mum, how do we . . . how do we forget the past?'
'By embracing the present and looking forward to the future,' said Mum. 'It's what your dad wanted more than anything. I believe it's what he died for, to give us both a future.'
I nodded. Mum believed all good things about my dad. She held onto only the good things. I'd try, but it would take me a little while longer.
'What else do you believe in, Mum?' I needed to ask.
'I believe in love and forgiveness. I only have to look at you to believe in God. I believe in friends and family and friendship. I believe in second chances and the present. I believe in lots of things,' Mum replied.
There was something about the present I needed to know.
'Mum, are . . . are you going to marry Nathan?'
'Why d'you ask?'
'Nana Meggie says the two of you are very close. And you seem happy with him.'
'I am.'
'So will the two of you get married?'
'He asked me, but there's a problem.'
'What's that?'
Mum's smile faded into a sigh. 'Sonny's come back, and he wants me to marry him too.'
'Sonny came back? When?'
'Just recently.'
'So which one will you choose?' I asked eagerly.
Mum smiled. 'Which one d'you think I should marry?'
'The one you love,' I said at last.
'Good advice,' said Mum. 'And what about you and Tobey? Or is it you and Lucas?'
'You knew about Tobey too?' I asked, surprised.
'Callie, everyone knew about Tobey – except you.'
'Well, I know now,' I said. 'They've both said they want to be with me.'
'And which one will you choose?'
'Which one d'you think I should choose?' I asked.
'D'you love either of them?'
I frowned. 'I didn't think so, but this morning I was with one of them on the beach . . .'
'And?'
'And when I thought I'd never see him again, I realized how much I really did care . . .'
I could feel myself begin to blush, so I stopped speaking. I thought Mum might laugh or have an indulgent look on her face, but she didn't. She took my hands in her own and we sat side by side, just watching each other. I hadn't looked at Mum, really looked at her, in so long. She was so beautiful and her eyes just blazed with love. Love for me.
For the first time in a long time, I didn't know what to say, what to do. I didn't know how many blue beans made five. I searched for something to say but the words wouldn't come. As if Mum knew, she smiled at me and opened her arms. And there was such peace and welcome in her eyes that my jumping heart was instantly still. I moved into her arms and they closed around me, soft and warm and much, much more – slow enough for me to back away if I wanted to, I think, but firm enough to hold me for the rest of my life with love. And then I remembered something which drove the last vestige of any doubt from my head.
'Mum, you know when you told me that if we crashed on a mountain and you died, I could eat you?' I said with a smile. 'Well, I get it now.'
Mum laughed softly and stroked my hair. There was no uncertainty left in me. My heart grew until it threatened to burst out of my chest.
'Happy birthday, Callie Rose McGregor-Hadley,' said Mum. 'I love you with all my heart.'
But I hardly heard her. My cheek was wet. I knew I was crying but the tears on my face weren't mine alone. Mum hugged me so tight, tighter than anyone had ever hugged me before. I could smell her soap and the faint residual trace of her perfume. I could feel every breath she took, every sob she made. I could hear her heart – or was it my heart, thumping with joy.
Across the cellar, the door slowly opened – and there stood Meggie. Momentarily startled, she started to smile at us. Mum and I smiled back. I turned to Mum. My mum – who loved me more than anyone else in the world. Who loved me so much, she gave up her first love for me. Who loved me so much she was prepared to give me up to keep me safe.
'Callie Rose, I love you,' said Mum.
Another fact to add to my list of things I knew for certain.
'I love you too, Mum,' I whispered.
I'd never tire of hearing it. I didn't want to stop saying it. And even though the cellar door was open, this was a moment in time no one could take from us. I didn't need an open cellar
door to know that I was finally free. Dad's letter hadn't really solved anything between Mum and me. We'd have to do that for ourselves. We'd only taken the first few steps, but at least we were hand in hand, both heading in the same direction. And Dad's letter of love was paving the way.
Dad, can you see us? Can you see how much Mum loves me? Can you see her holding me tight? Can you see us, Dad?
And I swear I could feel my dad's arms around both of us, and in my heart he was smiling.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Malorie Blackman is acknowledged as one of today's most imaginative and convincing writers for young readers. Her first book about Sephy and Callum, Noughts & Crosses, won the Children's Book Award, the Sheffield Children's Book Award and the Lancashire Children's Book Award, whilst the second, Knife Edge, was described by the Guardian as 'relentless in its pace and power . . . devastatingly powerful'.
Her other books for Random House Children's Books include Hacker, Thief!, A.N.T.I.D.O.T.E., Dangerous Reality, Dead Gorgeous and Pig-Heart Boy, which was shortlisted for the Carnegie Medal and adapted into a BAFTA-award-winning TV serial. Both Hacker and Thief! won the Young Telegraph/Gimme 5 Award – Malorie is the only author to have won this twice – and Hacker also won the WH Smith Mind-Boggling Books Award in 1994. She has also written an number of titles for younger readers.
Malorie lives with her husband and daughter in Kent.
'Few writers can sustain a plot as well as Malorie Blackman' Sunday Telegraph
'Blackman is becoming a bit of a national treasure' The Times
Malorie Blackman, Checkmate
(Series: # )
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