'Hi, everyone.' Tobey smiled.
'How did you get in?' I frowned.
'The back door was open.'
'Which isn't an open invitation for you to just swan in any time you feel like it,' Nana Meggie snapped.
I wasn't the only one who was surprised. Since when did Nana Meggie mind when Tobey visited?
'He doesn't mean any harm,' Mum said quietly.
'That's not the point. This isn't his house. He could at least knock first,' said Nana.
'Come on, Tobey. Let's go outside,' I suggested.
As we left the room, I turned to frown at Nana Meggie but she didn't see it. She was too busy scowling at Tobey like he'd trodden on her bunions and kicked both her shins.
'What's up with your grandma?' Tobey whispered as I closed the door.
'No idea.' I shrugged. I was heading towards the kitchen when I had an excellent idea (even if I do say so myself!). I pointed to the living-room door. Tobey caught on immediately and we tiptoed back to listen at the door.
'. . . not the sort of thing you of all people should be encouraging,' Nana Meggie said.
'For goodness' sake, she's ten, he's eleven.'
'So? You and Callum were younger.'
'Meggie, just what are you implying?'
'I'm just saying that Callie and Tobey are good friends and they're growing up,' said Nana Meggie. 'I just don't want to see Callie hurt the way . . . the way . . .'
'The way Callum was,' Mum finished for her.
'I was thinking of you as well as my son. Callie has a chance to make something of her life.'
'And you think being friends with Tobey is going to hold her back?'
'Tobey is so laid back, he's horizontal,' Meggie said testily.
I turned to grin at Tobey, but to my surprise he had a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.
'Tobey has plenty of time to make up his mind what he's going to do with the rest of his life,' said Mum.
'I just don't want his bad habits rubbing off on Callie Rose . . .'
'What bad habits? He doesn't pick his nose and eat it – at least, not in front of me. He doesn't coat door handles in his ear wax. What bad habits are you on about?'
The room went quiet.
'Meggie, you of all people . . .'
'. . . know what the world is like. This society expects the least and condemns the most when it comes to my son and Tobey and all other nought men.'
'Callum died over ten years ago. Things have got better
'Better for who?' asked Meggie. 'I used to love swimming at the local baths. I was even considering joining the gym on my doctor's recommendation, just to keep my body active. Well, did you ever wonder why I stopped going? 'Cause all the cleaners and serving staff at the local gym and pool are noughts, but the reception staff are all Crosses and the managers are all Crosses. That's why. Since Callie started school, has she had any nought teachers? I don't think so. And I still can't walk around the local bookshop or jewellery store without some idiot following me around. Where's this "better" that everyone keeps telling me about?'
'I know there's still a long way to go, I'm not denying that. But Tobey has a chance to go to university and do any job he wants to do,' I tried. 'That wasn't the case when Callum was alive.'
'And that's my point. Tobey has so many doors open to him that my son never had. And what does he plan to do? In his words, as little as possible. Tobey has no drive, no ambition.'
'He's eleven,' Mum argued. 'He's not even in secondary school yet. Give the boy a chance.'
'I'm just saying that Callie can do better – and I hope she knows it.'
'By better, d'you mean Rose should marry a Cross when she grows up?'
Tobey's expression was now as hard as the granite worktops in Nana Jasmine's kitchen. He straightened up and looked directly at me but he was still listening to what was going on inside the living room. By now, I was kicking myself on both bum cheeks for suggesting that we eavesdrop in the first place.
'I don't want Callie to get hurt,' said Nana Meggie. 'And being with Tobey or any other nought is going to cause problems for her.'
'I didn't realize you had Callie Rose's life mapped out in such detail,' said Mum. 'If you deign to let me know what you have planned for her tomorrow and the day after, I'll try not to deviate from your schedule.'
'There's no need for that. I just want Callie to be happy, that's all. She deserves to be happy.'
Tobey spun round and headed towards the kitchen. I wanted to go into the living room and tell off Nana Meggie for being so mean about him, but Tobey was getting further and further away.
'Tobey, wait,' I called after him.
But he didn't wait.
I ran after him, grabbing his arm to stop him stalking off. But he shrugged me off and carried on moving.
'Tobey, I didn't say it,' I protested.
'Maybe you think the same, that I'm not good enough for you,' said Tobey.
I stared at him. 'You know me better than that. Or you should.'
'I'm going home. Next time I come round, I'll ring the doorbell first.'
'Don't be daft,' I said. 'You've never rung our bell in your life.'
'Maybe I should start.'
'Tell you what,' I said crossly. 'After you've rung our bell and we've let you in, you can kiss each of my toes, then my mum's, then you can kiss Nana Meggie's bunions. Would you like that?'
'Only if I wanted a sure way to lose my lunch,' said Tobey, but the trace of a smile flitted across his face. 'Glad to see you've stopped sulking,' I told him. Tobey's smile faded.
'Just forget about what Nana Meggie said. I have already.' Tobey looked at me and said very quietly, 'I never will.'
twenty-two. Jasmine
Maybe I'll decorate this bedroom. I haven't had it redecorated since Kamal and I separated. This pale cream colour is very staid. It's time for me to splash out on something more vibrant, more modern, more alive.
I'm scared to death . . .
This . . . this thing inside me, I'm sure it's nothing. A cyst or a benign growth, that's all. Absolutely nothing to get worked up about, I'll be fine. I feel fine. I am fine.
So why can't I sleep? This hard lump in my breast is painful. I should've visited my doctor weeks ago when I first noticed it. But it hasn't gone away. It's not getting any bigger, but it's not getting smaller either.
I do so want to talk to Minerva or Persephone about it. But there's no point in upsetting my daughters over nothing. Minerva and her husband Zuri have their own busy lives to lead and I'm glad. Zuri is a good man, just what Minerva deserves. And their son Taj is a joy. They need to focus on each other, not me. And Sephy has been through so much. Too much. So I won't say anything – at least not yet. It's time for me to put my children first. As far as this lump is concerned, I'll wait until it's something and pray that it's nothing.
Jasmine, don't fall apart now. You've been through worse than this. You'll be fine.
Keep telling yourself you'll be fine.
You'll be OK.
Whatever life throws at you, you'll be OK.
twenty-three. Sephy
I was drying the dinner plates when the feel of lips on my nape made me jump like a startled doe.
'Hello, gorgeous!' Sonny said softly.
I glanced round anxiously. 'Sonny, don't do that. Anyone could walk in.'
'So? We're both over twenty-one.' Sonny tried to pull me into his arms. Anxiety morphed into pure panic.
'Sonny, don't.'
'Why not?'
'I'm not that kind of girl.'
'What kind of girl?' Sonny said, puzzled.
'The touchy-feely kind. And I don't appreciate being mauled.'
Sonny's arms dropped to his side. 'Since when is a kiss on the neck even in the same ballpark as "being mauled"?'
'I didn't mean that. I just don't like . . . being manhandled.'
'That's not what you said a couple of nights ago.'
What a low blow!
'That was then and this is now,' I snapped. 'And it's not because I'm scared either.'
'Oh, so we're back to that,' Sonny sighed. 'Sephy, that was months ago!'
'You're the one who wrote it about me,' I reminded him.
My head was telling me to drop it. Just let it go. But my mouth kept going anyway. I had been so hurt by what Sonny had written about me that it still felt like yesterday. When I had first read his poem, I hadn't spoken to him for a couple of days in spite of the flowers and apologies he had sent round and delivered in person.
'I've already apologized for that,' said Sonny. 'Which I wouldn't've had to do, if you hadn't read it in the first place. And you keep on bringing it up. Now you seem determined to pick a fight for some reason and I'm not in the mood.'
'I just don't want Callie Rose to come in here and catch us necking.'
'Why not? Two grown-ups openly showing love for each other is not only natural but healthy.'
'Why don't we get the neighbours round, have an orgy on the living-room carpet and invite Rose to watch?' I said sourly.
'That's not what I meant and you know it. But there's nothing wrong with kissing and cuddling in front of her. God knows, she needs to see some kind of love displayed somewhere in this house.'
A silent, deadly earthquake opened up the ground between us and sent my mind careering backwards.
'What does that mean?' I asked quietly.
Sonny stood in front of me but I've never felt so far away from him as I did in that moment.
'It doesn't matter. Forget it,' said Sonny, turning away.
I grabbed his arm and turned him round to face me. 'What did that mean?'
'It's just that you and Meggie . . . sometimes when I walk into this house, I'm almost rocked back on my heels by the atmosphere in this place. And Rose isn't stupid. She knows there's something not right between you two.'
'It has nothing to do with Rose—'
'Wrong,' Sonny interrupted. 'It has everything to do with Rose. You and Meggie don't realize what you're doing to her.'
'Rose is my daughter, not yours.'
'I know that,' said Sonny quietly. 'But that doesn't stop my eyes from working.'
'I want you to leave,' I said.
'Why? Because you can't handle the truth? Because you're happy for Rose to be brought up in this loveless house as long as no one mentions it?'
'Get out.'
'If I go, Sephy, I'm not coming back.'
A silent face-off. 'Go on then,' my expression read.
Sonny turned round and marched out of the kitchen. I followed him, to make sure he definitely left the house – at least that's what I told myself.
After opening the front door, Sonny turned to face me. 'Bye, Persephone.' He stepped out, slowly pulling the door to.
And as the door was closing, it felt like it was pulling my heart behind it.
'Sonny . . .'
The door's journey halted just before the lock clicked into place. Then it opened again, just as slowly. I stared into Sonny's face, across the hall, across the world from each other but just a heartbeat away. Did I look like that? So unsure, so desperately unhappy? Did I look like him, sharing more than just an expression? Sharing something deeper and far more painful.
'Don't go,' I whispered.
After a long moment, the door closed again. But this time, Sonny was in the hall – with me.
twenty-four.
Rose is 10
Just tell her, I told myself. Open your mouth and tell her.
My best friend Nikki and I had both agreed to talk to our parents tonight at exactly eight o'clock. Ella Cheshie had stopped being my friend after the first and only time she came round my house but I didn't care. I had Nikki and Nikki was much nicer. Even when Ella was my friend, she never opened her mouth unless it was to criticize someone else or say nasty things about them. I glanced down at my watch. It was two minutes past eight.
Dad, I know you're watching over me, so could you please help me persuade Mum. Please.
'Mum?'
'Yes, dear.'
'Nikki's going to Farnby Manor Secondary in September.'
'Is she? That's nice.' The black-and-white film on the TV had ninety-five per cent of Mum's attention.
'Nikki and I have decided we'd like to go to the same school.'
'What? Farnby Manor?'
'Yes, please.'
'I don't think so, Rose.' Mum turned back to the TV.
'But Mum, Nikki and me have agreed.'
'You and Nikki can agree that the moon is made of mashed potato with cod fillet craters, but you're still not going to Farnby Manor. You're going to Heathcroft High.'
'But that's a boffin school.'
'It's the school both your nanas want you to go to and so do I,' said Mum.
'But it's a private school. We can't afford that.'
'Nana Jasmine is going to pay your fees,' Mum told me.
'But what about Nikki and me?'
'Going to a new school doesn't mean that you stop being friends. You can still see each other.'
'It's not the same,' I protested.
'Callie Rose, you're going to Heathcroft High and that's final. End of discussion.'
'Don't I even get a say in where I go?'
'No,' Mum replied. 'Not when it comes to your education. You'll just have to trust that we're doing the best for you.'
'But Nikki can't afford Heathcroft.'
'I can't help that, Rose,' said Mum.
'You just don't want me to be happy.' I ran from the room, tears choking me from the inside out.
'I want you to be very happy,' Mum called after me as I ran upstairs. 'That's why you're going to Heathcroft.'
Halfway up the stairs, I decided that my room wasn't far enough away. It wasn't fair. Heathcroft High was Mum's choice, not mine. Mum always got her own way and it was my life, not hers. It just wasn't fair.
'Mum, I'm going out on my bike,' I shouted out.
'I beg your pardon?' Mum appeared in the doorway faster than I would've thought possible and she had a face like thunder. Attitude always has that effect on her.
'Can I go out on my bike please?'
'That's what I thought you said,' said Mum stonily. 'Just up and down this road, OK? And you've got half an hour. Then I want you back home and getting ready for bed.'
'But I can't do much in half an hour,' I protested.
'How about fifteen minutes then?' said Mum.
'Half an hour is fine,' I muttered.
'Glad to hear it.'
'Yes, Mum.'
'Rose, I'm not sending you to Heathcroft High out of spite,' said Mum quietly. 'But I want you to have a good, fulfilled life. And a good life is all about choices. If you want to rule the world, or be a lawyer or a doctor or a zookeeper, that's entirely up to you. But you'll be the one making the decisions if you get a decent education. Without that, you'll have no choices at all. D'you understand?'
'Yes, Mum.'
'And I'm sorry about Nikki,' Mum continued. 'I know that you and her are very close, but you can't live your life for other people. You have to do what's best for you, not for Nikki.'
'If I can't live my life for other people, then how come you get to tell me what to do?' I asked.
'Because I'm your mother,' said Mum, using grown-up logic.
'Mum, could you just think about it? Please? Just think about Farnby Manor.'
'Rose, you and Farnby Manor are not going to happen. I'm not going to say that I'll think about it when I already know what my final answer is going to be. Come September you'll be going to Heathcroft. If it was good enough for your dad and me, it's good enough for you.'
'But Mum—'
'Callie Rose, which part of "no" don't you understand? The "n" or the "o"?'
Shaking her head, Mum went back into the living room. I headed back downstairs and out into the back garden to get my bike. Less than a minute later I was cycling along the pavement, as far away from Mum and home as I could get. I'd pro
mised Nikki we'd go to the same school together. And now Mum was going to make me break my promise.
It's not fair.
As soon as I'm older, no one will tell me what to do or where to go or what time to be back. My life will be all my own and no one – not even Mum – will be able to boss me about.
I got to the end of the road but I was still jumping up and down inside. Mum said I was only to ride up and down our road, but I was ten now. I wasn't a baby. So why couldn't I cycle all the way around the block. I often went round the block when Mum or Nana Meggie came with me, and at ten I should be able to do it by myself.
After one last look behind to make sure Mum wasn't watching, I turned the corner on my bike and carried on pedalling. There! See! I told you I could cycle round the block by myself.
'Excuse me?'
A Nought man with light-brown hair and dark-brown, almost black eyes stepped right out in front of me. If I hadn't squeezed hard on my brakes, I would've crashed straight into him. As it was, I had to put my feet quickly down on the ground or me and my bike would've toppled over.
'Sorry! I didn't mean to startle you,' smiled the man. 'I'm looking for a woman called Sephy Hadley. I was told she lives around here somewhere. D'you know where I might find her?'
'She's my—'
I bit off the rest of the words. How many times had Mum and both nanas told me never to talk to strangers? The man started walking towards me. My mouth was suddenly as dry as a cream cracker. I pushed back with the balls of my feet so me and my bike moved backwards. The man stopped moving.
'D'you know her?' the man asked again.
'I'm not supposed to talk to strangers,' I told him.
I had a quick glance around. The road was suddenly empty. There was no one around but the strange, tall man – and me. And I wasn't even on the same road as my house any more.
'I have to go now,' I said, one foot back on the pedal.
'No, wait. I'm not going to harm you, I promise.'
'But if you were, you wouldn't exactly tell me, would you?'
The man smiled. 'No, I guess I wouldn't. But I'm looking for Sephy Hadley because I'm hoping she can tell me about a man called Callum McGregor. I've been away for a while and I need to find out where he is.'