“The thing is . . . I think I might . . . like her.”
“Yeah,” Laila says. “I think I got that part.”
“I know it sounds crazy and she obviously likes Dave, but I like her.”
Probably for the first time in her life, Laila says nothing.
"That’s why I want to know if you think I have a chance with her.”
“That’s interesting, because last time I checked you weren’t even friends.”
"We’re not. I mean, we talked last year. Sort of.” I sound like an idiot. But I don’t care.“And she’s too good for Dave. The guy’s a dickhead. He’s—” I could go on. But now’s not the time.
“I don’t really know Dave, but Sara didn’t even sit with us in lunch today. I get the feeling he needs a lot of attention.”
“I’d definitely be more flexible about that.”
“But you don’t even know her,” Laila says. “How can you like someone you don’t even know?”
“But see, that’s the thing. I feel like I already know her. Haven’t you ever felt so connected with someone that you just click right away?”
“No.”
"Oh. Well, you should try it sometime.” I give her my most charming smile. “It’ll change your life.”
Laila gives me a weird look. "Why are you telling me all this?”
“Because I’m hoping you’ll help me. And I trust you.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. Shouldn’t I?”
“No, you can. I won’t tell anyone.”
“Thanks.” Now for the hard part. “There’s this other thing I want to ask you. . . .”
“Yeah.”
“Would you switch partners with me in Music Theory?”
“What? No! And be with Robert? Are you completely insane?”
“Not completely. Just enough to ask you for a huge favor that would change my life.”
“No, that is way beyond a favor. I’d say this request would require you to be my personal slave for the rest of the year.”
"Hey, if this works out, I’ll be your personal slave for life.”
“Why should I help you?” she says.
I try to find the right words to make her see that this has to happen. "It would give us a chance to find out if this is what I think it is.”
“And what’s that?”
I take a deep breath. “Something real,” I say.
Laila doesn’t say anything.
“So?” I slide off the bench. I kneel on the ground. I reach out for her hand. She laughs. “Will you do it?”
“I’m not saying I like this,” Laila says.
“Of course not.” I shake my head violently.
“You don’t even know her. And you’re weird. And you’re not her type.”
“All true.” I nod vigorously.
“I’m only doing this because Sara’s my best friend.” Laila stands up and hucks her bag over her shoulder.
“Deal?” I say.
“Deal,” she says.
We shake on it.
I race to the music room. Mr. Hornby’s still there, all hunched over his desk. I’ve never really talked to him. He’s notorious for throwing a tantrum at the most minor thing. I heard he even takes off points for yawning. So I have to be extra careful how I play this. Of particular difficulty will be constantly reminding myself not to call him Mr. Horny. Which is naturally what everyone calls him. And it’s probably true because he has, like, ten kids.
I knock on the open door.
“Yes?” He looks up from a stack of papers.
“Sorry to bother you. I was—”
“Did you just get here?”
No. I’ve been under the piano this whole time.
“Yeah. I’m . . . I have a quick question for you.”
Mr. Horny grumbles. He motions me over.
I go over to his desk and sit on the chair across from him.
“What can I do for you?” he asks.
“It’s about class. I was wondering? If I could switch partners. ”
“Is there a problem with Robert?”
“No. Well actually yeah. Not that he’s a problem.”
Mr. Horny waits.
“It’s kind of complicated,” I say. In my rush to get here, I forgot to figure out what to say.
“I think I know what’s going on.”
“You do?” How can he possibly know? Is it that obvious?
“I’m not as out of it as you think,” he says. "I am rather observant, you know.”
“Oh—yeah, absolutely.” So the guy’s been watching me lust over Sara this whole time?
“It’s not easy being in your position.” He sighs. “I’ve been there myself.”
Mr. Horny is, like, the last teacher I want to hear this from. Not that I want to hear about any of my teachers’ sex lives.
“I should have seen this coming,” he says.
The guy is good. He must have hormonal fluctuation radar. My readings fly right off the chart every time I look at Sara.
“Robert’s not, how shall I put this delicately, the sharpest crayon in the box.”
“Huh?”
“You have an outstanding talent, Tobey. I realize that Robert’s not up to snuff.”
“Oh.” This would be my current partner, Robert Garten. From that horrible incident in the locker room last year. I still feel bad for him. And how Dave was a part of it all.
“Can you hang in there until the end of the marking period? He’ll be transferring out of the class at that time. I think he’s realized he’s not too musically inclined.”
“Uh . . . I was sort of hoping for tomorrow.”
“Well, I’ll be making changes at the end of the marking period, but I can’t do anything until then. In the meantime, maybe some of your talent will rub off on him.”
The end of the marking period isn’t until next month. I have no idea how I’m going to last that long. But I have to play it cool.
“Maybe,” I say.
Mr. Horny opens a notebook. “Let’s see. There are some other changes I want to make, so let’s get all of this down. Who should I pair you up with? If I switch Paula with Graham—”
“Actually, I had an idea.”
“Oh?” Mr. Horny looks up from his page. “What’s that?”
“Well . . . I was thinking that Laila and Sara are both really smart and they’re together. And that’s kind of hogging all the brainpower, you know?”
He laughs. “I get the picture.”
“And I’m trying to do a lot better this semester, for college apps and all. So if—”
“Aha!” he announces like he just solved the Bermuda Triangle mystery. “I can put you with Laila.” He starts to write that down.
“No!” I yell.
Mr. Horny raises an eyebrow at me.
“I mean, I was thinking that it would be . . .better if you put me with Sara.”
“Any particular reason for that?”
“Yeah.” The lie comes to me quickly. “She told me— she—we were talking about my music and she’s really into what I’m doing and we’re both into Vivaldi’s quartets and—”
“Ah! I like those myself. Fine.” He writes that down.
“Okay, well . . .” I get up.
“Thanks for being honest with me, Tobey.”
I only feel a little guilty.
I drive to Mike’s house. I barge into his room without knocking.
“Don’t mind me,” Mike says. "I just live here.”
"Dude,” I say. "It’s done.”
“What?”
“The plan! Sara’s my partner!”
“Shit!”
“I know. But not until next month.”
"No worries,” Mike says. “Until then, you always have girlongirl.com.”
CHAPTER 15
my everything
september 8, 5:17 p.m.
The phone rings while I’m resisting the impulse to blowtorch my calculus book.
“Hello
?” I say.
“You are so not going to believe this.”
“What?”
“Tobey likes you.”
“What?”
“Tobey? You know, the guy who’s been staring at you? The same guy you’ve been staring at? Does any of this sound familiar?”
“How do you know?”
“He told me.”
“What!”
“Yeah. It’s crazy. But not entirely surprising.”
“Laila. What happened?”
“He came up to me after school and said he wanted to talk. So we went out to the courtyard, and he told me he liked you. And he wanted me to switch partners with him in class so he could be with you.”
“Oh my god.”
“I’m just saying.”
“Doesn’t he know I’m going out with Dave?”
“Yeah, but he doesn’t really care.”
“Dave kissed me.”
“When?”
“After school. In the hall.”
“So you were probably kissing Dave at the exact moment Tobey was telling me he likes you. Fascinating.”
“Oh my god.”
“How was it?”
“What?”
“The kiss.”
When I told Laila and Maggie about Dave kissing me on the cheek, I explained that I was sure the real kiss would be life-altering. “It was . . . nice,” I say.
“Nice? Just nice?”
“Yeah. . . .”
“What happened to earth-shattering?”
“Life-altering.”
“Whatever.”
“I don’t know.”
“Wow. So it looks like Mr. Looking for Something Real Guy has a chance after all.”
“What?”
“Tobey said you’re his something real.”
“What!”
“Then he—damn. I have to go. My mom is kvetching because I haven’t spent the last five minutes doing homework.”
“Wait!” I yell.
“What?”
“What did you tell Tobey about switching?”
“I told him it was fine with me. I doubt Mr. Hornby will go for it, though.”
“Why?”
“Please. You know how he is about—”
“No, I mean why did you say okay to Tobey?”
“Oh,” Laila says. “Why not?”
“Spill.”
“What are you telling me? You don’t want to be with Tobey?”
“No. Yes. I mean, no! I’m not saying that.”
“So what’s the problem then?”
“Why would you even agree to talk to him?” I say. “Since when do you sit around talking to guys like Tobey?”
“Everything is not as it seems,” Laila says cryptically.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I’d love to fill you in on all the details, but my mom is literally pulling the phone away from my ear as we speak. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Laila!”
“Have fun with all the calc.”
After she hangs up, I call Maggie and tell her everything Laila said.
Maggie’s like, “Tobey who?”
“Tobey Beller! You know . . . from art last year?”
“Oh, yeah! He has gorgeous eyes.”
“I am aware of this.”
“But so does Dave.”
“I am aware of this also.”
“So, what . . . are you interested in Tobey now?”
“No! I like Dave. Obviously. How long did I wait for him to ask me out?”
“Dave is totally gorgeous.”
“I know.”
“And he adores you.”
“I know. And he kissed me after school!”
“Yay! How was it?”
“Nice.”
Maggie is quiet.
“Hello?” I say.
“Not life-altering?”
“I just wanted it to be . . . I don’t know. It’s like I have these really high expectations and then . . .”
“I used to do the same thing,” Maggie says. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
“So what happened?”
“After a while you find out that no guy can live up to your fantasies. I haven’t found one guy yet who meets all my criteria. But Dave’s awesome. I’m sure it’ll get better.”
“You’re probably right. I shouldn’t expect one guy to be my everything.”
But the truth is, I still do.
CHAPTER 16
the problem with dave
september 23, 3:02 p.m.
“I think I get the syncopation thing in measure thirteen now. Can I try and explain it?”
I nod. I keep my eyes on the floor. Robert keeps talking, but I’m not listening. I’m trying really hard not to look across the room. But I can’t help it. Sara’s right over there. In a few weeks she’ll be over here.
It would be easy to tell her how Dave really is. I almost told Laila when we had the talk, but I want Sara to like me for who I am. Not for who Dave isn’t. Not because Dave beat up Robert and got away with it. Not even because I know what Dave really thinks about her.
The thing about Robert is that he’s totally on the fringe. He has zero status. I’m getting to know him for the first time now. And he’s actually a decent guy. Which makes what happened even sadder.
It happened one day last April when I decided to stay after to use the weight room. I was changing in the locker room when Dave and some other guys from the basketball team came in from practice. Robert was also in the locker room for some reason. He was changing near the door, but I was all the way back by the showers. So Robert was the first thing the guys saw when they came in.
“Hey, dickhead,” I heard. "How’s it going?”
When I heard this, I knew there was going to be trouble. Not like I could have done anything about it. Matt was the one who said it. I didn’t have to see those guys’ faces to know who was saying what.
Apparently, Robert was trying to ignore them, because then Matt sounded tight.
“I said, how’s it going?”
“Fine,” Robert said.
Then the whole team started imitating Robert’s voice in this whiny falsetto. “Fine! Fine! Fine!” I knew Robert must have been nervous and scared. I hated myself for being too tired to go over and defend him. I stayed hidden in my corner of lockers.
I guess Robert was done changing and tried to leave, because then Alex said,“Hey, dickhead, going somewhere?”
“He’s got a hot date,” Matt said.
“Probably with another fag.” Dave was the one who said this.
“Just let me go,” Robert said.
“Oooh!” Alex said. "The fag’s getting restless.”
“He needs to relax,” Matt said.
“We can help him relax,” Dave said. “Right, guys?”
“Sure,” Matt said.
And then I heard a smack. Robert cried out.
“I think he likes it,” Dave said.
“Leave me alone,” Robert said.
“Why?” said Matt. "You’re not having fun yet?”
“Just let me go,” Robert said. “Please.”
“No problem, man,” Dave said.
And then I heard something slam against the lockers. Hard.
I knew it was Robert.
For the next few minutes, I sat on the floor and hated myself. How could I let them do those things to him and just sit there? Why didn’t I try to do something? But I knew that there was nothing I could do to defend Robert. And if I went over there, Robert would know that I know. And I know how that kind of embarrassment feels. The absolute worst is when someone else was there to feel your pain.
Then I guess Robert ran out, because the guys started talking about other things. I felt trapped in the locker room. I decided to wait until they left, and then I would go.
So I sat there on the floor and heard everything. They were talking about dates for the weekend and how Dave wanted to ask
Sara out. Dave said how he had noticed her for the first time during our junior assembly. His friends were telling him everything they knew about her.
“So why don’t you, man?” Matt said.
“I don’t know,” Dave said. “Maggie’s a lot hotter.”
“Yeah, but dude,” Alex said. "She’s friends with Sara.”
Dave yelled, "Bonus!”
Everyone laughed. I could hear hands slapping high fives.
Dave said, "You guys don’t think she’s too . . . you know.”
“What?” Matt said.
“She must be a virgin,” Dave said.
“Dude,” Matt said. “It’s the nerdy ones that are the best.”
“Yeah,” Alex said. “All that built-up sexual frustration. She’s like a volcano ready to explode!”
“Plus, she could do your homework and shit,” Matt said.
“Yeah, but Maggie looked so fucking hot in that miniskirt today,” Dave said.
“She was totally smokin’!” Alex said. “There was definitely no underwear involved.”
“Here, it’s like this,” Matt said. “Do you wanna waste time trying to convince Sara that her virginity is a sin, or do you wanna go with the used goods?”
“I could always pop another cherry,” Dave said.
“Everything comes easy for the D-man.” As Alex said this, his voice got louder. I knew he was about to walk past me, so I pretended to be going through my stuff.
Alex jumped a little when he saw me. “Hey! What the hell are you doing in here?”
"Changing. But I’m done, so...” I tried to walk out like it was no big deal.
“Who’s back there?” Matt said. He walked back to where we were. “Shit. He’s been in here the whole time!”
“No, genius,” Alex said. “He just walked in.”
Matt and Alex looked at each other like they knew I could tell on them about Robert and were figuring out what to do with me. But all that happened was Alex saying, “You tell, you die.”
“Whatever,” I said, and got out of there. It’s one of the biggest regrets of my life that I didn’t stick up for Robert.
As I passed Dave, he glared at me. I remember thinking he was the most fucked up out of all of them.
“Does that sound right?” Robert says to me now.
Since I didn’t hear a word he said, I just nod. Even if he repeated everything it would probably be wrong. I don’t feel like going over the whole thing again.
Suddenly, I feel her eyes on me.
I glance over at Sara. She looks away.