"Well, honey, is it something bad you did?"
"I didn't think so. I thought it was good. Proof of something good. But he didn't agree. And then he left. It's been two nights, and he hasn't been back; I haven't even seen him in the house. I've seen George the Fiend more than my own fiance. "
"Right, but. . . you're not going around killing Girl Scouts or anything, right?"
I shook my head. "Nothing like that. "
"And you didn't read the Book. . . Betsy!" she nearly screamed at my feeble nod. "Did you turn evil again?"
"I wish. I only read the paragraph he made me. He was just making a point. And then he slammed it shut and took it away, and took himself away, too. "
"Well, is it something you can say you're sorry for?"
"I don't think I can apologize for this. Besides, I already did. We were pretty mad, though. He might not have noticed. But it was a secret for a long time. I guess I can apologize for not telling him right away. "
"That's a start, right?"
"He's afraid of me now," I practically whispered.
Jessica burst out laughing. She laughed so hard she actually slapped the table with her palm. "Scared! Sinclair! Of you!" Slap, slap. "Oh, that's a good one. " She sighed and wiped her eyes. "Tell it again; I needed that. "
I glared. "I'm serious, Jessica. The thing I told him made him be scared of me. In the past he thought it was cool that I could do things other vampires couldn't-"
"And let's not forget, he wasn't above using you to get what he wanted," she pointed out, her cheeks still shiny from laugh-tears.
"Yeah, I know. But he was never, you know, scared of the things I could do. Just. . . impressed, like. He thought they were neat, and he thought it was great that I killed Nostro and what's-her-name, and he thinks it's great that the devil is my sister's mother, but he was never afraid of me. I'm telling you. That's what's happened now. "
"This thing-whatever it is-it's made him scared of you. "
I rubbed my eyes (pure force of habit; I had no tears) and nodded.
"Okay, so you should apologize for keeping the secret and then you gotta wait for him to get over his bad self. "
"Wait?"
"Honey, have you seen the man? Does he strike you as the type of fellow who's scared of anything, much less his own girlfriend? He's gonna need some serious time to get used to the idea. "
"Wh-how much time?"
"You're immortal," she pointed out. "What's the rush?"
"But. . . wedding stuff. We've got to plan the wedding. I can't do it by myself. "
"So postpone it again. "
"I can't," I said, appalled all over again. "Oh, I just can't. He's got it in his head that-never mind. But one thing I absolutely can't do is cancel it. Full speed ahead on all wedding prep. "
"Are you sure this horrible thing you've done, it's not evil? What am I saying, it's Sinclair. Evil doesn't scare him. He probably gets off on it, in his heart of hearts. "
"Trust me. It's not evil. " Elizabeth, oh my Elizabeth. . . you are sweet, you are like wine, you are. . . everything. I love you, there's no one. No one. Probably never hear that again, so get used to the mental playback, babe. "It's the total opposite of evil. I thought. . . I thought it was kind of wonderful. But he-he-"
I cried some more. It was lame, but I couldn't stop. Just when I thought that the one thing I could count on was Sinclair by my side no matter what happened. . .
"He's still here, though, right?" I asked, groping for a tissue, again out of habit. I was snot-free. "At the house? He didn't move out?"
"Not that I know of, honey. Probably just back to his old room while he sorts things out. " I stared down at the table, and Jess smoothed my crumpled bangs out of my eyes. "Poor Bets. If it's not one thing it's another. You want me to stay in tonight?"
"Yeah, we could-no!"
"Oh, that's flattering," she grumbled.
"No, I mean. . . tonight's the big night. Your date with Nick. You can't miss it. "
"I can reschedule," she said gently.
"My ass!"
"And that's one thing not on the date agenda," she said cheerfully. "He might have asked me out because he knows you're taken-"
"Am I?" I sulked.
"But one thing we're not going to do is talk about your ass. Nor your tits, nor your scintillating personality-which, I gotta tell you, ain't so great right now. "
She was teasing and I smiled, a little. "No rescheduling. You're going. I'll-I'll find something to do. "
On cue, the swinging doors on the east end of the kitchen whooshed open and Jon walked in like the world's youngest gunslinger. "Anybody up to telling me the story of their life?" he chirped, waving his Sidekick.
"Well," Jess told me, getting up from her seat, "if whatever you did was evil, and I'm not saying it was, because your word's good enough for me, but if it was, you're gonna be punished for it right about now. " Chapter 19
"Have you, uh, seen Sinclair around tonight?"
Jon snorted. "Not hardly. We sort of stay out of each other's way. I get the feeling he's not too crazy about me staying here. "
"Well, it's not his house, now is it?" I asked sharply. Oh, great. Yell at the kid because your fiance's not talking to you. "Sorry. I'm grumpy tonight. "
"Because you haven't fed?" he asked eagerly, Sidekick poised. I saw he had flipped it around so he could tap on the tiny keyboard.
"No. But I'll worry about that some other night. Listen, Jon, if I do this for you, you've got to do something for me. "
"I understand Betsy. " He looked around; yes, we were alone in the cavernous parlor. We'd moved there after the housekeeper got back from Rainbow and shooed us out. "I don't-uh-approve of that sort of-um-thing, but you're so-I mean, I'll make an exception for you. " He bravely pulled off his T-shirt and inched closer to me. "Besides, it'll be good for the book. "
"Ick! No!" I shoved him away, and he went flying over the end of the couch and crashed into the carpet. Dust flew. He coughed. I freaked. "Sorry, sorry, sorry!" I hurried around the couch and helped him up. "I didn't mean to shove you so hard. "
"S'okay," he gasped, in the middle of a major coughing spasm. "M'sorry, too. "
"It's my fault. I guess I was vague. No, I'm afraid the favor I've got in mind is a lot worse than sucking your blood. "
"Whatever it is," he choked, "I'll do it. But first. . . you gotta get someone in here with a vacuum, I mean, right now. "
"Who do you think you're talking to? Jon, I couldn't find the vacuum if you stuck a gun in my ear. Which if memory serves, you have. "
He reddened and settled himself on a chair across from me. "That stuff's all over with, now. "
"And we of the vampire community are grateful, believe me. "
"We're talking about you," he said. "Why don't you start at the beginning?"
"Well, I was born in a small town in Minnesota, CannonFalls, and I went to school at Cannon Falls Elementary, where Mrs. Schultz was my favorite teacher. We moved to Burnsville when I was-"
"No," he interrupted, "I mean, the beginning, when you became a vampire. "
"Oh. Kind of a short bio. I mean, not much has happened to me yet. As a vampire, I mean. "
He rolled his eyes. "Betsy, I really like you and you're cute and all, but you are so full of crap. "
"I am not! I haven't even been a vampire for a year, is what I meant, and I was a human for th-for twenty-five years at least. Hell, the Miss Burnsville pageant was way more stressful than vampire politics. "
"Yeah, I'll get some of that stuff later for fill-in," he promised, but he was lying. "Let's get to the good stuff. "
I sighed. "All right, all right. The good stuff. Well, I guess the good stuff starts on the last day. And it sucked, let me tell you. In fact, the day I died started out bad and got worse in a hurry. . . " Chapter 20
". . . and then you jumped off the ro
of of the mortuary and got run over by a garbage truck. "
"Jon, there's no need to read it back to me; I know the story. "
He laughed. "It's an incredible story! I'm reading it back to be sure I'm not fucking up anything. As it is, no one's going to think this is real. "
"Well, good. " We were in the entryway, and I was shrugging into my coat. Laura was here, coming up the walk, and she and I were baby-sitting Baby Jon tonight. "Because the whole point is, you're pretending it's a real bio about a vampire. "
"I know, I know, you only told me a million times. Let's see. . . "
"Jon, I gotta go. Can we pick this up tomorrow?"
"Yeah, let me just be sure I've got everything so far. . . you tried to drown yourself in the Mississippi River, you tried to electrocute yourself, tried to poison yourself with a bottle of bleach, and then stole a butcher knife and tried to stab yourself to death? Is that all?"
"Uh. . . " I wasn't about to go into the rapists I'd accidentally killed. "Pretty much. "
Laura walked in-I'd told her weeks ago to stop with the knocking already-and said cheerfully, as she always did, "Good evening, darling sister. Ready to go?"
"Yeah. " So, so ready. I wasn't up for another round of This Is Your Life. "Laura, have you met Jon? Jon, this is my sister, Laura. "
She was having her usual effect on men, I could see: Jon had dropped his Sidekick. And hadn't noticed. Dust was probably cramming its delicate little circuits, and Jon hadn't noticed.
Instead, he was staring at my sister, and I couldn't blame him: she made Michelle Pfeiffer look like a hag. Tonight she was wearing moon boots (they were in, then out, and now in again, and I didn't care how often they came back in, I hated them, I wasn't a damn astronaut), black jeans, and a huge dark blue poofy parka that should have made her look like a blonde Michelin Man but, because God was cruel, did not.
"You never told me you had a sister," he said, looking deep into Laura's blue, blue eyes.
"You never told me you had a Jon. " She giggled, obviously liking what she saw as well.
"I never told you I have a bleeding ulcer, either. Barf out, you guys. Come on, Laura, we'll be late. "
"It was nice meeting you," she said, holding out a mittened hand.
"Meetcha, too," he mumbled, still gaping. He had goose bumps as big as cherries, but he didn't seem to notice he was standing shirtless in subzero cold.
"I hope to see you again soon. "
"Blurble," he replied. At least that's what I think he said.
"Well, 'bye!" I said loudly-no mistaking that, I hoped. I practically pushed Laura out the front door and slammed it behind us.
"Oh, he was cute!" she was already gushing as we walked to the car. I trudged; she skipped. "Where do you know him from? Does he have a girlfriend? Of course he has a girlfriend. "
"Laura, take a pill. "
"Only if you stop being one," she snarked back. A mittened hand flew to her perfect, bow-shaped mouth. "Oh, I'm sorry! It's just. . . I'm a little nervous about tonight. "
"Baby Jon won't bite. He doesn't have any teeth. He might puke on you, though. "
"I've baby-sat before," she said happily. "It won't be the first time. "
"Heck, I've been on dates that weren't so pleasant. " Chapter 21
The Ant greeted us with, "Get inside quick! There's a killer on the loose!" She grabbed me by the jacket collar-the first time she'd touched me in years-and hauled me into the foyer. Laura hurried in behind me just in time to avoid the door being slammed in her face.
"Those aren't killers," I explained, unbuttoning my coat. "They're Cub Scouts. They just want to sell you some wreaths and wrapping paper. "
"Very funny, Betsy. " The Ant was quite the wreath herself in a dress of poison green, which she had trimmed with a glittery red belt two inches wide, long fake red fingernails, and large red hoop earrings. Her lipstick matched her accessories, and her eyelids were as blue as the Caribbean. Her fake eyelashes were so long I at first thought a couple centipedes had crawled up there and died.
"No, it's the Driveway Killer," she was insisting, helping Laura (Laura had that effect on people) off with her big puffy coat. "He struck again! Took one of my neighbors right out of her driveway. At first we thought she'd, you know, just left-her husband-" The Ant made the universal "drinky drinky" motion with her thumb and forefinger. "But then her body turned up in the parking lot of the
Lake Street Wal-Mart. Lake Street
! Can you imagine? How tacky!"
"Er," was all Laura managed. The Ant could tax even her formidable powers of niceness.
"I'm sorry about your neighbor," I said, and I meant it, though the sentiment was probably wasted on the Ant, who apparently thought where your body turned up was far more important than how you lived your life.
"She was just minding her own business, coming in the house-or going, we're not sure which-and he grabbed her. I've been scared out of my wits ever since!"
"That's hard to imagine," I said sweetly.
"So you have to be very careful around here, girls. "
I assumed she was talking to Laura.
"If something happened to you, I don't know what I'd do. "
I was, against all my better instincts, touched. "Aw, Antonia. I don't know what to say. "
"We'll be careful," Laura promised.
The baby monitor was on the little table for the car keys, and we could hear a thin wailing coming out from it. "Please, please be careful! Nobody else will sit with Baby Jon while he's like this. "
"Jesus, Antonia. He's got colic, not rabies. "
"And I'm late. "
"We got here right on time, so I don't want to hear anything out of you. When did he eat last?"
"The baby nurse left all that on a note on the fridge. " The Ant was putting on her black wool coat. Her hair didn't move, which was a good trick considering it was shoulder length. "The party is supposed to be over around one. "
"Where is Mr. Taylor?" Laura asked.
"Oh, he's. . . " The Ant made a vague gesture. "Don't worry, if I have too much to drink I'll get a cab. "
"Thank goodness," I said. "If you get too blitzed, just take a nap in the driveway and wait around for company. "
She glared. "I suppose you think you're being funny again. "
I glared. "A little funny. "
Laura walked in the direction of the kitchen.
The Ant left.
I went upstairs, scooped up my squalling brother, and snuggled him to my shoulder while he gasped and decided to knock off with the crying. My finely tuned vampire senses informed me he didn't need a diaper change.
We went back downstairs and caught up with Laura, who was standing at the main counter reading a careful, detailed note signed Jennifer Clapp, R. N.
"She has a baby nurse, and she needs us?" She clucked her tongue at Jon, who grunted in return.
"The nurse only works business hours. And my dad put his foot down about a night nurse when the Ant's home all day. "
"Mr. Taylor said no to her?"
"It happens occasionally. " Propping Jon's well-cushioned bottom on my forearm and his head on my shoulder, I opened the fridge and grimaced. It was full of skim milk, iceberg lettuce, soy sauce, Egg Beaters, and bottles of formula. If I was alive, that'd be a real problem. Poor Laura!
And "Mr. Taylor"? Laura's biological father. Nobody knew that little factoid but me, her, and the devil.
It was really complicated and would have even been silly if it wasn't so frightening. See, the devil possessed my stepmother for a while. And I think it's telling to report the Ant was (is!) such a miserable human being that no one noticed. I mean, how friggin' unbelievable is that?
"Oh, you're evil and insane and running over pedestrians with your bicycle and granting evil wishes and encouraging people to jump off tall buildings. . . same old, same old, eh, Antonia?"
A
nyway. So my dad's second wife was possessed by the devil for a while, yes, that's right, the devil, and had a baby, my sister Laura. And then went back to Hell.
The Ant, "coming to" with a drooly baby to take care of, promptly dumped Laura in the waiting room of a hospital and went back to her old life without looking back.
So-here's where it gets weird-the Ant and my dad are Laura's biological parents. And the devil is her mother. And Laura was adopted by the Goodmans (come on! The Goodmans?), and raised in the suburbs of Minneapolis.
Have I mentioned her unholy hell-powers, like the bow made of hellfire and the way she can eat whatever she wants and never get a pimple?
So. It was a little weird when she referred to our-her-father as "Mr. Taylor. " It was always "Mr. Taylor" or "Betsy's father. " I had no idea how to handle it, so I just let it go. Just another thing hanging over my head like a wobbly guillotine.
"There isn't shit to eat," I announced, shutting the door, "as usual. "
"We can have a pizza delivered. " She held out her arms, and I handed the baby to her.
"I don't care; I can't eat it anyway. It's you I'm worried about. I get desperate enough, I can always drink the bottle of soy sauce. Mmmm. . . salty. Anyway, did you eat supper before you came over?"
"No," she admitted.
"God, how pathetic are we? Don't start," I warned the baby, who had stiffened in Laura's arms and looked ready to start with the yowling again. "I'm thirty and I'm baby-sitting and scrounging in the fridge for a meal. Next I'll be calling my boyfriend to tell him to come over so we can make out. "
"At least you have a boyfriend," Laura pointed out.
I smiled sourly and said nothing.
"He's sooooo cute," Laura cooed. Tonight Baby Jon was wearing a T-shirt, Pampers, and thick green socks. He'd put on a little weight, but he still looked more like a hairless, angry rat than the plump Gerber babies I saw on TV. "Isn't he just the darlingest thing you've ever seen?"
"This is a scary side of you, Laura, and I thought I'd seen the really frightening stuff. "
"Goooooooo," she replied, tickling Baby Jon under his pointy chin. Jon glared at her and then the odor of his discontent filled the air. "Oooooh, someone needs a diaper change. " She looked at me.
"Daughter of the devil," I said.
"Vampire queen. "
"Okay, okay, I'll do it. Gimme him. "