“You should go then,” he said, voice low.
Stupefied, I nodded in agreement. It was over. He wouldn’t open up to me, tonight or ever. It hurt to see his stubborn, hard expression of indifference. I couldn’t bring myself to say good-bye as I turned away, going in no particular direction. Don’t turn back around, I ordered myself.
I had no clue which way my friends had gone.
“Wait,” Kaidan called from behind me. I squeezed my eyes shut for a second, but kept walking. Then I felt his hand around my wrist, spinning me in a half circle and pulling me to his chest. His face was so close. He reached down and cupped my face with one woolly hand, and wiped the top corner of my lip hard with his thumb. I flinched back.
“What are you doing?”
“I...” He appeared to have no idea himself. “I wanted to see your freckle.”
A vulnerable tenderness flashed across his face, more painful to see than the coldness. It took every ounce of strength I had not to beg for one last kiss. As fast as his expression had softened, it was back to stone again.
“What do you want from me, Kai?”
“For starters?” His voice lowered to sexy, dangerous depths. “I want to introduce myself to every freckle on your body.”
A powerful shiver ripped through me.
“So, just something physical, then?” I clarified. “That’s all you want?”
“Tell me you hate me,” he demanded. I felt the air of his words against my face.
“But I don’t hate you. I couldn’t.”
“You could,” he assured me, pulling me tighter. “And you should.”
“I’m letting you go.” My voice shook. “But only because I have to. I need to move on with my life, but I’ll never hate you.”
“The one who got away,” Kaidan murmured.
“Nobody got away,” I corrected him. “And so help me, if you start comparing us to an unfinished game that went into overtime—”
He released me and I stumbled back a step. I had to get away before I started clinging and begging him to admit his feelings, whatever they might have been. It was necessary to rip off this Band-Aid, and fast. So, as I’d done at the airport, I walked away from him, dragging my heart behind me. I didn’t look back. Game over.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
HOLIDAY CHEERLESSNESS
I’d seen people with depression. I’d been bowled over by the hopelessness that sank the air around them. Murky storm clouds as heavy as sandbags.
I carried around a gloomy cloud of my own after Halloween. It was far worse than when I’d returned from California. Each day I tried to rein it in, reminding myself there was always hope. Hope for the earth, hope for humanity. Just not hope for Kaidan and me.
I dealt with the pain by shutting down. The more time asleep, the better. I missed school a few times, just to lie in bed. Failed a major test. Lost weight. But I knew time would heal the ache, and everything would be okay. I could move on. I would come back to life. Eventually. But not yet.
Patti made my favorite things on Thanksgiving: sweet potatoes with marshmallows, corn pudding, key lime pie. I knew the spectacular spread was meant to lure me out of my hole. It was just the two of us. On past Thanksgiving mornings we’d worked the food bank, and then celebrated dinner with Patti’s church friends, but we couldn’t be caught doing those things now.
Patti chattered away about nothing, placing a heaping plate in front of me. She tried to fake it, but she wasn’t happy these days either. I watched her cut a slice of turkey and take a bite.
“Anna, please eat.”
“I’m not very hungry.”
“That’s because your stomach’s wilted away to nothing.”
I busied my mouth by taking a sip of water.
“That’s it.” Patti threw her napkin on the table. “I’m calling Kaidan. I know this has something to do with him.”
Her words poked me to life. “No!”
“Then I need you to pull yourself out of this,” she said. “It’s gone on long enough. For goodness’ sake, Anna! If I thought medication would work for you, I’d have taken you to the doctor already. You can’t give up. You have to continue putting effort into everything, especially school.”
“School is...” I couldn’t even form a coherent sentence.
“School is still important,” Patti insisted. “And so are you. There’s no floating through life; you have to stay alert. Your life has a purpose. Whether you’re called on to fulfill that purpose today or when you’re a hundred, you’ve got to be a productive part of society between now and then! Do you think I’m going to let you lie in bed for the next however many years?”
I shook my head. She was right. I had needed the past month to mourn, but it was time to try to get back to my life.
I eyed my plate and took a small, tentative bite of sweet potatoes. Flavors and scents brought back strong memories. The rich sweetness filled me with a longing for the love and comfort of my childhood. When I looked up at Patti, tears were leaving warm trails down my face.
“I’m sorry, Patti.”
“Sweet girl.” She choked up and came to me. As we hugged and cried together, I let myself feel all of the things I’d been avoiding. It was more than the insecurity of never knowing how Kaidan felt. It was about the unfairness of life as a Neph.
When I was growing up, Patti and I had done this thing every Thanksgiving where we’d take turns going back and forth saying what we were thankful for. Each time it became a longer competition, neither of us wanting to be last. It came down to the silliest details, ending up in fits of laughter. As we clung to each other now, I couldn’t help but be thankful for her.
I walked to the parking lot with Veronica and Jay on our last day of school before Christmas break. A cool wind blew, and I zipped up my jacket. We’d been taking turns driving to school. Today was Jay’s day.
He unlocked the passenger door from the outside and yanked it open with a creak. I wrestled with the lever to lean the passenger seat forward. It finally popped and the seat flew into the dashboard. I climbed into the back. I wasn’t sure when the switch had happened: me in the back and Veronica in the front.
As the line of cars crept out of the parking lot, we passed Kaylah and her group of friends. Kaylah wiggled her fingers at Jay and he lifted one hand from the steering wheel.
“You still like her or something?” Veronica asked. Green slipped out around her.
“Nah,” he said.
I looked back and forth between the two of them. Huh. When had that started?
I’d been obtuse when it came to my friends. That made me feel bad.
I leaned forward as much as the seat belt would allow. “Hey, guys? Can we hang out over break?” I asked.
Joyful relief poured into their auras, stabbing me with guilt.
“’Bout time.” Jay caught my eye in the rearview mirror.
“Yeah. Your toes are probably lookin’ shabby,” Veronica said.
“I’m sorry I’ve been so, you know, out of it.”
They were both quiet, glancing at each other as if drawing mental straws to see who would get to address the issue. Veronica lost.
“What happened on Halloween?” she asked.
“Kaidan and I agreed never to see each other again.”
“That kid totally messes with your head,” Veronica said. “I don’t like it.”
“Well, it’s officially over, and I’m ready to move on with my life, so yeah.”
Veronica sighed. “Some things just aren’t meant to be.”
I lifted my feet from the cluttered floor and curled them under me, making myself smaller in the backseat.
“Everything’s gonna be okay,” Jay said.
I swallowed hard and nodded at him in the mirror.
Christmas had come and gone with hardly a blip on my emotional radar. I half expected my father to call, but he didn’t. I wondered about him as much as I wondered about Kaidan.
A few days before the Ne
w Year I went to the mall with Veronica. Most of my winter clothes didn’t fit well and I needed a dress for the New Year’s party. Veronica loved shopping with me, because I let her pick out all my clothes, only now and then nixing something. But she figured out what I would and would not wear. I had cool clothes for the first time, and I liked how it made her feel good to see me dressed in outfits she’d chosen.
We went straight to her favorite store with the dimmed lighting and pop music blaring from speakers overhead. She sorted with expert speed through racks of shirts, clanging hangers as she went.
“Do you think Jay’s cute?” she asked. Her eyes concentrated on the clothes as if nothing were amiss, but her colors were going haywire.
“Um...” I had to proceed with caution. “Yeah, I’ve always thought he was a cute guy, but I’ve never had feelings for him or anything like that. Why? Do you think he’s cute?”
“No.” She stopped sliding hangers and looked at me. “I think he’s hot.”
We stared at each other for a second, and then we both started laughing, relieved to have it out in the open.
Jay and Gregory met us in the food court. I nibbled on a soft pretzel while the others had pizza. Jay and Veronica were flirting so much that Gregory rolled his eyes at me. We were throwing away our trash when Jay lifted the bill of his ball cap to peer across the food court.
“I’ve seen that dude before,” he said. “Where do I know him from?”
“Who? Where?” Veronica asked. Jay pointed him out.
Through all of the moving people there was a lone man next to the ice-cream stand, watching me. His skin was a smooth dark brown. His hair had grown into a poofy, short Afro.
“It’s Kopano,” I whispered, heart in my throat.
“You know him?” Veronica asked. “He’s, like, a man.”
She was right. Kope couldn’t be mistaken for a boy. He must have been nineteen or twenty, just a few years older than us, but he was so serious. Manly.
What was he doing here?
“I’m gonna go talk to him,” I told them. “I’ll meet you guys back here in half an hour.”
I stopped a few feet from Kopano, hands clasped behind my back. My pulse remained at a steady high as his eyes held me.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“Everything is well. I hope I have not frightened you.” His gentle tone never faltered, and I wondered whether he’d ever raised his voice. How deep was his hidden wrath, and what would it take to unleash it? The thought prickled the back of my neck.
I tilted my head toward the corridor of shops. “Wanna walk with me?” I asked.
Kopano came to my side, and we moved together into the stream of shoppers who became like background noise as I concentrated on him. I was patient, hoping he would explain why he’d come.
“How have you been?” he asked.
“It was a rough semester, to be honest, but I’m doing better.”
He nodded down at the polished floor in front of us.
“How about you?” I asked.
Keeping his eyes straight down, he answered, “I have thought of you often since the summer.”
Heat tore through me at his blunt openness. My hands tingled. I had no idea how to respond.
We came to an open area where Santa’s shop had resided a few days prior. It was now naked in its emptiness except for a fountain with a thick marble ledge around it, where we sat together. Kopano stared down at the water, full of copper and silver coins on the bottom from years’ worth of wishes.
“The twins arrive tomorrow for a visit,” he explained. “They fly into Atlanta, and Marna requested me to come.”
“Oh,” I said, realizing he hadn’t come to Atlanta for the sole reason of seeing me. My initial reaction was relief that I wouldn’t have to deal with a complicated situation. But disappointment followed on its heels. It wasn’t fair to feel let down, since Kaidan still ruled my heart, but I did nonetheless. Maybe because I knew I could never be with Kai.
“I arrived early, hoping to see you,” he continued. “I went to your home, but your mother told me you were here.”
“I’m surprised she didn’t call me.” I pulled out my phone and rolled my eyes with embarrassment. “I guess it helps when I turn it on.”
He flashed me that dimpled smile, which set my inner butterflies aflutter, as always. I peered down at my phone.
“Do you have a cell?” I asked.
He took out his phone and we exchanged numbers.
A loud group of boys were passing through the court, jeering at one another and roughhousing. When I spotted Scott among them, I moved fast, angling my body away from their group and tilting my head so my hair would shield my face.
“You know them,” he stated.
“Some of them are from my school.” I said no more, but tension filled the space between us.
“One of them has hurt you.”
Was it that obvious, even with my colors hidden? I raised my head now that the boys’ backs were to us.
“There was an incident this summer,” I said.
He watched me with expectancy, so I told him a brief version of the story, keeping my head down. When I finished and looked up, my heart faltered. Kope was a display of barely contained rage as he stared in the direction Scott and his friends had gone. His nostrils flared and his mouth was taut.
“Kope?” I whispered.
No response. Sudden fright struck me as I imagined him flipping out and going after Scott. I spoke in the calm, gentle voice he always used with me.
“Kope, look at me.” His chest rose and fell with rapid breaths. I reached out and laid a hand on his forearm, half-afraid he might lash out at me in his daze. He jolted at my touch, bringing his eyes to mine. For one second longer his wrath steamed below the surface, and then he closed his eyes. I didn’t know whether he was counting to ten or praying, but whatever he did worked. When he opened his eyes again the fury was gone.
“I am sorry, Anna. I do not want you to fear me. I would never hurt you.”
“I know,” I whispered, though I was still shaken. “It’s okay, Kope. And that whole situation with Scott is in the past. I dealt with him and let go of my anger. It’s over.”
He gave a tight nod, his gaze landing on a couple coming out of the jewelry shop, holding hands.
“What do you envision for your future, Anna?”
His abrupt question struck a nerve in me. It was the same question I’d been asking myself for months.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I used to know what I wanted, but not anymore.”
He considered this, watching me with curiosity. “What did you want?”
I reached down and touched the water. “A family, mostly.”
“And you no longer want that?”
I dried my hands on my jeans, trying not to get emotional. At one time, I wanted a loving husband and a houseful of kids more than anything in the world. But I’d let go of those dreams. I couldn’t even adopt a child. What would the Dukes say if they caught me playing house?
“I can’t have those things,” I told him, still avoiding his stare. “And I’m tired of wanting things I can’t have.”
His voice was low when he responded. “Perhaps children are out of the question, but you could still have a husband, in secret.”
My eyes flew up to his, and my skin sizzled as his words settled over me. I opened my mouth, but couldn’t speak. His light eyes played chicken with mine, not backing down from his claim.
“It’s too dangerous,” I said.
“You are young.” He didn’t state it in a condescending way, but I still bristled. “Someday you may agree that there are dangers worth facing.”
I swallowed, wishing my crazy heart would stop trying to break out of my rib cage. Nearby footsteps sounded, coming toward us on the shiny floor.
Veronica, Jay, and Gregory approached.
“Hey, guys,” I said. The three of them looked back and forth between the serious faces
of Kopano and me. I couldn’t spare a smile of reassurance because my heart still raced from the sound of Kope’s voice and the words he’d spoken.
“Hey, man. It’s Kopano, right?” Jay asked.
“Yes.” Kopano stood and they shook hands.
“How you been?” Jay asked.
“Very well, and you?”
“Good, thanks.” It was an awkward, but sweet exchange.
Veronica gawked the entire time. She kept giving me the big-eyed look that promised she would pester me for details afterward. I introduced Kopano to Veronica and Gregory. Unabashed, she eyed him up and down after they shook hands, wearing a bright aura of fascinated interest.
“I must be on my way,” Kopano said to me.
“Will you tell the twins I said hello?”
He nodded. A silent moment ensued where we all stood there not knowing what to do next. Veronica cleared her throat and grabbed Jay’s arm.
“Let’s go,” she told him. Jay waved good-bye to Kope and they walked away with Gregory right behind.
“Call me if you all want to hang out or anything,” I told Kope.
With a hesitant movement, I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his waist for a quick hug. Kopano held me close like a man who’d been starved of affection. I blinked back tears and ran my palms over his back. He was big and strong, and had no interest in letting me go. So I let him hold me. I rested my face against his chest and breathed in a mild tropical smell. When I started imagining the caramel pheromones he was capable of emitting, I had to pull away, feeling too shy to meet his eye.
“Take care of yourself, Anna,” he said.
“You, too,” I whispered.
I spent the next day lost in thought, mulling over Kopano’s comment about a husband, and also trying to figure out why the twins would fly into Atlanta instead of a city closer to Kope. Unless they wanted to see Kaidan, assuming Pharzuph was in New York. It made me jealous that the twins were allowed to call and see Kai, but I wasn’t.
And then there was Kopano. His words had jarred me. For all I knew, he could have been speaking in hypotheticals, but I didn’t think so. I believed he was talking about us. He was everything I wanted in a guy: gorgeous, humble, no games. If I’d met him first, there was no telling what might’ve happened. And as much as I knew I should let Kaidan go, I wasn’t ready.