Chapter iii.
The arrival of Mr Jones with his lady at the inn; with a very fulldescription of the battle of Upton.
Though the reader, we doubt not, is very eager to know who this ladywas, and how she fell into the hands of Mr Northerton, we must beg himto suspend his curiosity for a short time, as we are obliged, for somevery good reasons which hereafter perhaps he may guess, to delay hissatisfaction a little longer.
Mr Jones and his fair companion no sooner entered the town, than theywent directly to that inn which in their eyes presented the fairestappearance to the street. Here Jones, having ordered a servant to showa room above stairs, was ascending, when the dishevelled fair, hastilyfollowing, was laid hold on by the master of the house, who cried,"Heyday, where is that beggar wench going? Stay below stairs, I desireyou." But Jones at that instant thundered from above, "Let the ladycome up," in so authoritative a voice, that the good man instantlywithdrew his hands, and the lady made the best of her way to thechamber.
Here Jones wished her joy of her safe arrival, and then departed, inorder, as he promised, to send the landlady up with some cloaths. Thepoor woman thanked him heartily for all his kindness, and said, shehoped she should see him again soon, to thank him a thousand timesmore. During this short conversation, she covered her white bosom aswell as she could possibly with her arms; for Jones could not avoidstealing a sly peep or two, though he took all imaginable care toavoid giving any offence.
Our travellers had happened to take up their residence at a house ofexceeding good repute, whither Irish ladies of strict virtue, and manynorthern lasses of the same predicament, were accustomed to resort intheir way to Bath. The landlady therefore would by no means haveadmitted any conversation of a disreputable kind to pass under herroof. Indeed, so foul and contagious are all such proceedings, thatthey contaminate the very innocent scenes where they are committed,and give the name of a bad house, or of a house of ill repute, to allthose where they are suffered to be carried on.
Not that I would intimate that such strict chastity as was preservedin the temple of Vesta can possibly be maintained at a public inn. Mygood landlady did not hope for such a blessing, nor would any of theladies I have spoken of, or indeed any others of the most rigid note,have expected or insisted on any such thing. But to exclude all vulgarconcubinage, and to drive all whores in rags from within the walls, iswithin the power of every one. This my landlady very strictly adheredto, and this her virtuous guests, who did not travel in rags, wouldvery reasonably have expected of her.
Now it required no very blameable degree of suspicion to imagine thatMr Jones and his ragged companion had certain purposes in theirintention, which, though tolerated in some Christian countries,connived at in others, and practised in all, are however as expresslyforbidden as murder, or any other horrid vice, by that religion whichis universally believed in those countries. The landlady, therefore,had no sooner received an intimation of the entrance of the above-saidpersons than she began to meditate the most expeditious means fortheir expulsion. In order to this, she had provided herself with along and deadly instrument, with which, in times of peace, thechambermaid was wont to demolish the labours of the industriousspider. In vulgar phrase, she had taken up the broomstick, and wasjust about to sally from the kitchen, when Jones accosted her with ademand of a gown and other vestments, to cover the half-naked womanupstairs.
Nothing can be more provoking to the human temper, nor more dangerousto that cardinal virtue, patience, than solicitations of extraordinaryoffices of kindness on behalf of those very persons with whom we arehighly incensed. For this reason Shakespear hath artfully introducedhis Desdemona soliciting favours for Cassio of her husband, as themeans of inflaming, not only his jealousy, but his rage, to thehighest pitch of madness; and we find the unfortunate Moor less ableto command his passion on this occasion, than even when he beheld hisvalued present to his wife in the hands of his supposed rival. Infact, we regard these efforts as insults on our understanding, and tosuch the pride of man is very difficultly brought to submit.
My landlady, though a very good-tempered woman, had, I suppose, someof this pride in her composition, for Jones had scarce ended hisrequest, when she fell upon him with a certain weapon, which, thoughit be neither long, nor sharp, nor hard, nor indeed threatens from itsappearance with either death or wound, hath been however held in greatdread and abhorrence by many wise men--nay, by many brave ones;insomuch, that some who have dared to look into the mouth of a loadedcannon, have not dared to look into a mouth where this weapon wasbrandished; and rather than run the hazard of its execution, havecontented themselves with making a most pitiful and sneaking figure inthe eyes of all their acquaintance.
To confess the truth, I am afraid Mr Jones was one of these; forthough he was attacked and violently belaboured with the aforesaidweapon, he could not be provoked to make any resistance; but in a mostcowardly manner applied, with many entreaties, to his antagonist todesist from pursuing her blows; in plain English, he only begged herwith the utmost earnestness to hear him; but before he could obtainhis request, my landlord himself entered into the fray, and embracedthat side of the cause which seemed to stand very little in need ofassistance.
There are a sort of heroes who are supposed to be determined in theirchusing or avoiding a conflict by the character and behaviour of theperson whom they are to engage. These are said to know their men, andJones, I believe, knew his woman; for though he had been so submissiveto her, he was no sooner attacked by her husband, than he demonstratedan immediate spirit of resentment, and enjoined him silence under avery severe penalty; no less than that, I think, of being convertedinto fuel for his own fire.
The husband, with great indignation, but with a mixture of pity,answered, "You must pray first to be made able. I believe I am abetter man than yourself; ay, every way, that I am;" and presentlyproceeded to discharge half-a-dozen whores at the lady above stairs,the last of which had scarce issued from his lips, when a swingingblow from the cudgel that Jones carried in his hand assaulted him overthe shoulders.
It is a question whether the landlord or the landlady was the mostexpeditious in returning this blow. My landlord, whose hands wereempty, fell to with his fist, and the good wife, uplifting her broomand aiming at the head of Jones, had probably put an immediate end tothe fray, and to Jones likewise, had not the descent of this broombeen prevented--not by the miraculous intervention of any heathendeity, but by a very natural though fortunate accident, viz., by thearrival of Partridge; who entered the house at that instant (for fearhad caused him to run every step from the hill), and who, seeing thedanger which threatened his master or companion (which you chuse tocall him), prevented so sad a catastrophe, by catching hold of thelandlady's arm, as it was brandished aloft in the air.
The landlady soon perceived the impediment which prevented her blow;and being unable to rescue her arm from the hands of Partridge, shelet fall the broom; and then leaving Jones to the discipline of herhusband, she fell with the utmost fury on that poor fellow, who hadalready given some intimation of himself, by crying, "Zounds! do youintend to kill my friend?"
Partridge, though not much addicted to battle, would not however standstill when his friend was attacked; nor was he much displeased withthat part of the combat which fell to his share; he therefore returnedmy landlady's blows as soon as he received them: and now the fight wasobstinately maintained on all parts, and it seemed doubtful to whichside Fortune would incline, when the naked lady, who had listened atthe top of the stairs to the dialogue which preceded the engagement,descended suddenly from above, and without weighing the unfairinequality of two to one, fell upon the poor woman who was boxing withPartridge; nor did that great champion desist, but rather redoubledhis fury, when he found fresh succours were arrived to his assistance.
Victory must now have fallen to the side of the travellers (for thebravest troops must yield to numbers) had not Susan the chambermaidcome luckily to support her mistress. This Susan was as two-handed awenc
h (according to the phrase) as any in the country, and would, Ibelieve, have beat the famed Thalestris herself, or any of her subjectAmazons; for her form was robust and man-like, and every way made forsuch encounters. As her hands and arms were formed to give blows withgreat mischief to an enemy, so was her face as well contrived toreceive blows without any great injury to herself, her nose beingalready flat to her face; her lips were so large, that no swellingcould be perceived in them, and moreover they were so hard, that afist could hardly make any impression on them. Lastly, her cheek-bonesstood out, as if nature had intended them for two bastions to defendher eyes in those encounters for which she seemed so well calculated,and to which she was most wonderfully well inclined.
This fair creature entering the field of battle, immediately filed tothat wing where her mistress maintained so unequal a fight with one ofeither sex. Here she presently challenged Partridge to single combat.He accepted the challenge, and a most desperate fight began betweenthem.
Now the dogs of war being let loose, began to lick their bloody lips;now Victory, with golden wings, hung hovering in the air; now Fortune,taking her scales from her shelf, began to weigh the fates of TomJones, his female companion, and Partridge, against the landlord, hiswife, and maid; all which hung in exact balance before her; when agood-natured accident put suddenly an end to the bloody fray, withwhich half of the combatants had already sufficiently feasted. Thisaccident was the arrival of a coach and four; upon which my landlordand landlady immediately desisted from fighting, and at their entreatyobtained the same favour of their antagonists: but Susan was not sokind to Partridge; for that Amazonian fair having overthrown andbestrid her enemy, was now cuffing him lustily with both her hands,without any regard to his request of a cessation of arms, or to thoseloud exclamations of murder which he roared forth.
No sooner, however, had Jones quitted the landlord, than he flew tothe rescue of his defeated companion, from whom he with muchdifficulty drew off the enraged chambermaid: but Partridge was notimmediately sensible of his deliverance, for he still lay flat on thefloor, guarding his face with his hands; nor did he cease roaring tillJones had forced him to look up, and to perceive that the battle wasat an end.
The landlord, who had no visible hurt, and the landlady, hiding herwell-scratched face with her handkerchief, ran both hastily to thedoor to attend the coach, from which a young lady and her maid nowalighted. These the landlady presently ushered into that room where MrJones had at first deposited his fair prize, as it was the bestapartment in the house. Hither they were obliged to pass through thefield of battle, which they did with the utmost haste, covering theirfaces with their handkerchiefs, as desirous to avoid the notice of anyone. Indeed their caution was quite unnecessary; for the poorunfortunate Helen, the fatal cause of all the bloodshed, was entirelytaken up in endeavouring to conceal her own face, and Jones was noless occupied in rescuing Partridge from the fury of Susan; whichbeing happily effected, the poor fellow immediately departed to thepump to wash his face, and to stop that bloody torrent which Susan hadplentifully set a-flowing from his nostrils.