Chapter v.
An apology for all heroes who have good stomachs, with a descriptionof a battle of the amorous kind.
Heroes, notwithstanding the high ideas which, by the means offlatterers, they may entertain of themselves, or the world mayconceive of them, have certainly more of mortal than divine aboutthem. However elevated their minds may be, their bodies at least(which is much the major part of most) are liable to the worstinfirmities, and subject to the vilest offices of human nature. Amongthese latter, the act of eating, which hath by several wise men beenconsidered as extremely mean and derogatory from the philosophicdignity, must be in some measure performed by the greatest prince,heroe, or philosopher upon earth; nay, sometimes Nature hath been sofrolicsome as to exact of these dignified characters a much moreexorbitant share of this office than she hath obliged those of thelowest order to perform.
To say the truth, as no known inhabitant of this globe is really morethan man, so none need be ashamed of submitting to what thenecessities of man demand; but when those great personages I have justmentioned condescend to aim at confining such low offices tothemselves--as when, by hoarding or destroying, they seem desirous toprevent any others from eating--then they surely become very low anddespicable.
Now, after this short preface, we think it no disparagement to ourheroe to mention the immoderate ardour with which he laid about him atthis season. Indeed, it may be doubted whether Ulysses, who by the wayseems to have had the best stomach of all the heroes in that eatingpoem of the Odyssey, ever made a better meal. Three pounds at least ofthat flesh which formerly had contributed to the composition of an oxwas now honoured with becoming part of the individual Mr Jones.
This particular we thought ourselves obliged to mention, as it mayaccount for our heroe's temporary neglect of his fair companion, whoeat but very little, and was indeed employed in considerations of avery different nature, which passed unobserved by Jones, till he hadentirely satisfied that appetite which a fast of twenty-four hours hadprocured him; but his dinner was no sooner ended than his attention toother matters revived; with these matters therefore we shall nowproceed to acquaint the reader.
Mr Jones, of whose personal accomplishments we have hitherto said verylittle, was, in reality, one of the handsomest young fellows in theworld. His face, besides being the picture of health, had in it themost apparent marks of sweetness and good-nature. These qualities wereindeed so characteristical in his countenance, that, while the spiritand sensibility in his eyes, though they must have been perceived byan accurate observer, might have escaped the notice of the lessdiscerning, so strongly was this good-nature painted in his look, thatit was remarked by almost every one who saw him.
It was, perhaps, as much owing to this as to a very fine complexionthat his face had a delicacy in it almost inexpressible, and whichmight have given him an air rather too effeminate, had it not beenjoined to a most masculine person and mien: which latter had as muchin them of the Hercules as the former had of the Adonis. He wasbesides active, genteel, gay, and good-humoured; and had a flow ofanimal spirits which enlivened every conversation where he waspresent.
When the reader hath duly reflected on these many charms which allcentered in our heroe, and considers at the same time the freshobligations which Mrs Waters had to him, it will be a mark more ofprudery than candour to entertain a bad opinion of her because sheconceived a very good opinion of him.
But, whatever censures may be passed upon her, it is my business torelate matters of fact with veracity. Mrs Waters had, in truth, notonly a good opinion of our heroe, but a very great affection for him.To speak out boldly at once, she was in love, according to the presentuniversally-received sense of that phrase, by which love is appliedindiscriminately to the desirable objects of all our passions,appetites, and senses, and is understood to be that preference whichwe give to one kind of food rather than to another.
But though the love to these several objects may possibly be one andthe same in all cases, its operations however must be allowed to bedifferent; for, how much soever we may be in love with an excellentsurloin of beef, or bottle of Burgundy; with a damask rose, or Cremonafiddle; yet do we never smile, nor ogle, nor dress, nor flatter, norendeavour by any other arts or tricks to gain the affection of thesaid beef, &c. Sigh indeed we sometimes may; but it is generally inthe absence, not in the presence, of the beloved object. For otherwisewe might possibly complain of their ingratitude and deafness, with thesame reason as Pasiphae doth of her bull, whom she endeavoured toengage by all the coquetry practised with good success in thedrawing-room on the much more sensible as well as tender hearts of thefine gentlemen there.
The contrary happens in that love which operates between persons ofthe same species, but of different sexes. Here we are no sooner inlove than it becomes our principal care to engage the affection of theobject beloved. For what other purpose indeed are our youth instructedin all the arts of rendering themselves agreeable? If it was not witha view to this love, I question whether any of those trades which dealin setting off and adorning the human person would procure alivelihood. Nay, those great polishers of our manners, who are by somethought to teach what principally distinguishes us from the brutecreation, even dancing-masters themselves, might possibly find noplace in society. In short, all the graces which young ladies andyoung gentlemen too learn from others, and the many improvementswhich, by the help of a looking-glass, they add of their own, are inreality those very _spicula et faces amoris_ so often mentioned byOvid; or, as they are sometimes called in our own language, the wholeartillery of love.
Now Mrs Waters and our heroe had no sooner sat down together than theformer began to play this artillery upon the latter. But here, as weare about to attempt a description hitherto unassayed either in proseor verse, we think proper to invoke the assistance of certain aerialbeings, who will, we doubt not, come kindly to our aid on thisoccasion.
"Say then, ye Graces! you that inhabit the heavenly mansions ofSeraphina's countenance; for you are truly divine, are always in herpresence, and well know all the arts of charming; say, what were theweapons now used to captivate the heart of Mr Jones."
"First, from two lovely blue eyes, whose bright orbs flashed lightningat their discharge, flew forth two pointed ogles; but, happily for ourheroe, hit only a vast piece of beef which he was then conveying intohis plate, and harmless spent their force. The fair warrior perceivedtheir miscarriage, and immediately from her fair bosom drew forth adeadly sigh. A sigh which none could have heard unmoved, and which wassufficient at once to have swept off a dozen beaus; so soft, so sweet,so tender, that the insinuating air must have found its subtle way tothe heart of our heroe, had it not luckily been driven from his earsby the coarse bubbling of some bottled ale, which at that time he waspouring forth. Many other weapons did she assay; but the god of eating(if there be any such deity, for I do not confidently assert it)preserved his votary; or perhaps it may not be _dignus vindice nodus_,and the present security of Jones may be accounted for by naturalmeans; for as love frequently preserves from the attacks of hunger, somay hunger possibly, in some cases, defend us against love.
"The fair one, enraged at her frequent disappointments, determined ona short cessation of arms. Which interval she employed in making readyevery engine of amorous warfare for the renewing of the attack whendinner should be over.
"No sooner then was the cloth removed than she again began heroperations. First, having planted her right eye sidewise against MrJones, she shot from its corner a most penetrating glance; which,though great part of its force was spent before it reached our heroe,did not vent itself absolutely without effect. This the fair oneperceiving, hastily withdrew her eyes, and levelled them downwards, asif she was concerned for what she had done; though by this means shedesigned only to draw him from his guard, and indeed to open his eyes,through which she intended to surprize his heart. And now, gentlylifting up those two bright orbs which had already begun to make animpression on poor Jones, she discharged a volley of
small charms atonce from her whole countenance in a smile. Not a smile of mirth, norof joy; but a smile of affection, which most ladies have always readyat their command, and which serves them to show at once theirgood-humour, their pretty dimples, and their white teeth.
"This smile our heroe received full in his eyes, and was immediatelystaggered with its force. He then began to see the designs of theenemy, and indeed to feel their success. A parley now was set on footbetween the parties; during which the artful fair so slily andimperceptibly carried on her attack, that she had almost subdued theheart of our heroe before she again repaired to acts of hostility. Toconfess the truth, I am afraid Mr Jones maintained a kind of Dutchdefence, and treacherously delivered up the garrison, without dulyweighing his allegiance to the fair Sophia. In short, no sooner hadthe amorous parley ended and the lady had unmasked the royal battery,by carelessly letting her handkerchief drop from her neck, than theheart of Mr Jones was entirely taken, and the fair conqueror enjoyedthe usual fruits of her victory."
Here the Graces think proper to end their description, and here wethink proper to end the chapter.