Chapter ii.
Containing the arrival of an Irish gentleman, with very extraordinaryadventures which ensued at the inn.
Now the little trembling hare, which the dread of all her numerousenemies, and chiefly of that cunning, cruel, carnivorous animal, man,had confined all the day to her lurking-place, sports wantonly o'erthe lawns; now on some hollow tree the owl, shrill chorister of thenight, hoots forth notes which might charm the ears of some modernconnoisseurs in music; now, in the imagination of the half-drunkclown, as he staggers through the churchyard, or rather charnelyard,to his home, fear paints the bloody hobgoblin; now thieves andruffians are awake, and honest watchmen fast asleep; in plain English,it was now midnight; and the company at the inn, as well those whohave been already mentioned in this history, as some others whoarrived in the evening, were all in bed. Only Susan Chambermaid wasnow stirring, she being obliged to wash the kitchen before she retiredto the arms of the fond expecting hostler.
In this posture were affairs at the inn when a gentleman arrived therepost. He immediately alighted from his horse, and, coming up to Susan,enquired of her, in a very abrupt and confused manner, being almostout of breath with eagerness, Whether there was any lady in the house?The hour of night, and the behaviour of the man, who stared verywildly all the time, a little surprized Susan, so that she hesitatedbefore she made any answer; upon which the gentleman, with redoubledeagerness, begged her to give him a true information, saying, He hadlost his wife, and was come in pursuit of her. "Upon my shoul," crieshe, "I have been near catching her already in two or three places, ifI had not found her gone just as I came up with her. If she be in thehouse, do carry me up in the dark and show her to me; and if she begone away before me, do tell me which way I shall go after her to meether, and, upon my shoul, I will make you the richest poor woman in thenation." He then pulled out a handful of guineas, a sight which wouldhave bribed persons of much greater consequence than this poor wenchto much worse purposes.
Susan, from the account she had received of Mrs Waters, made not theleast doubt but that she was the very identical stray whom the rightowner pursued. As she concluded, therefore, with great appearance ofreason, that she never could get money in an honester way than byrestoring a wife to her husband, she made no scruple of assuring thegentleman that the lady he wanted was then in the house; and waspresently afterwards prevailed upon (by very liberal promises, andsome earnest paid into her hands) to conduct him to the bedchamber ofMrs Waters.
It hath been a custom long established in the polite world, and thatupon very solid and substantial reasons, that a husband shall neverenter his wife's apartment without first knocking at the door. Themany excellent uses of this custom need scarce be hinted to a readerwho hath any knowledge of the world; for by this means the lady hathtime to adjust herself, or to remove any disagreeable object out ofthe way; for there are some situations in which nice and delicatewomen would not be discovered by their husbands.
To say the truth, there are several ceremonies instituted among thepolished part of mankind, which, though they may, to coarserjudgments, appear as matters of mere form, are found to have much ofsubstance in them, by the more discerning; and lucky would it havebeen had the custom above mentioned been observed by our gentleman inthe present instance. Knock, indeed, he did at the door, but not withone of those gentle raps which is usual on such occasions. On thecontrary, when he found the door locked, he flew at it with suchviolence, that the lock immediately gave way, the door burst open, andhe fell headlong into the room.
He had no sooner recovered his legs than forth from the bed, upon hislegs likewise, appeared--with shame and sorrow are we obliged toproceed--our heroe himself, who, with a menacing voice, demanded ofthe gentleman who he was, and what he meant by daring to burst openhis chamber in that outrageous manner.
The gentleman at first thought he had committed a mistake, and wasgoing to ask pardon and retreat, when, on a sudden, as the moon shonevery bright, he cast his eyes on stays, gowns, petticoats, caps,ribbons, stockings, garters, shoes, clogs, &c., all which lay in adisordered manner on the floor. All these, operating on the naturaljealousy of his temper, so enraged him, that he lost all power ofspeech; and, without returning any answer to Jones, he endeavoured toapproach the bed.
Jones immediately interposing, a fierce contention arose, which soonproceeded to blows on both sides. And now Mrs Waters (for we mustconfess she was in the same bed), being, I suppose, awakened from hersleep, and seeing two men fighting in her bedchamber, began to screamin the most violent manner, crying out murder! robbery! and morefrequently rape! which last, some, perhaps, may wonder she shouldmention, who do not consider that these words of exclamation are usedby ladies in a fright, as fa, la, la, ra, da, &c., are in music, onlyas the vehicles of sound, and without any fixed ideas.
Next to the lady's chamber was deposited the body of an Irishgentleman who arrived too late at the inn to have been mentionedbefore. This gentleman was one of those whom the Irish call acalabalaro, or cavalier. He was a younger brother of a good family,and, having no fortune at home, was obliged to look abroad in order toget one; for which purpose he was proceeding to the Bath, to try hisluck with cards and the women.
This young fellow lay in bed reading one of Mrs Behn's novels; for hehad been instructed by a friend that he would find no more effectualmethod of recommending himself to the ladies than the improving hisunderstanding, and filling his mind with good literature. He nosooner, therefore, heard the violent uproar in the next room, than heleapt from his bolster, and, taking his sword in one hand, and thecandle which burnt by him in the other, he went directly to MrsWaters's chamber.
If the sight of another man in his shirt at first added some shock tothe decency of the lady, it made her presently amends by considerablyabating her fears; for no sooner had the calabalaro entered the roomthan he cried out, "Mr Fitzpatrick, what the devil is the maning ofthis?" Upon which the other immediately answered, "O, Mr Maclachlan! Iam rejoiced you are here.--This villain hath debauched my wife, and isgot into bed with her."--"What wife?" cries Maclachlan; "do not I knowMrs Fitzpatrick very well, and don't I see that the lady, whom thegentleman who stands here in his shirt is lying in bed with, is noneof her?"
Fitzpatrick, now perceiving, as well by the glimpse he had of thelady, as by her voice, which might have been distinguished at agreater distance than he now stood from her, that he had made a veryunfortunate mistake, began to ask many pardons of the lady; and then,turning to Jones, he said, "I would have you take notice I do not askyour pardon, for you have bate me; for which I am resolved to haveyour blood in the morning."
Jones treated this menace with much contempt; and Mr Maclachlananswered, "Indeed, Mr Fitzpatrick, you may be ashamed of your ownself, to disturb people at this time of night; if all the people inthe inn were not asleep, you would have awakened them as you have me.The gentleman has served you very rightly. Upon my conscience, thoughI have no wife, if you had treated her so, I would have cut yourthroat."
Jones was so confounded with his fears for his lady's reputation, thathe knew neither what to say or do; but the invention of women is, ashath been observed, much readier than that of men. She recollectedthat there was a communication between her chamber and that of MrJones; relying, therefore, on his honour and her own assurance, sheanswered, "I know not what you mean, villains! I am wife to none ofyou. Help! Rape! Murder! Rape!"--And now, the landlady coming into theroom, Mrs Waters fell upon her with the utmost virulence, saying, "Shethought herself in a sober inn, and not in a bawdy-house; but that aset of villains had broke into her room, with an intent upon herhonour, if not upon her life; and both, she said, were equally dear toher."
The landlady now began to roar as loudly as the poor woman in bed haddone before. She cried, "She was undone, and that the reputation ofher house, which was never blown upon before, was utterly destroyed."Then, turning to the men, she cried, "What, in the devil's name, isthe reason of all this disturbance in the lady's room?" Fitzpatr
ick,hanging down his head, repeated, "That he had committed a mistake, forwhich he heartily asked pardon," and then retired with his countryman.Jones, who was too ingenious to have missed the hint given him by hisfair one, boldly asserted, "That he had run to her assistance uponhearing the door broke open, with what design he could not conceive,unless of robbing the lady; which, if they intended, he said, he hadthe good fortune to prevent." "I never had a robbery committed in myhouse since I have kept it," cries the landlady; "I would have you toknow, sir, I harbour no highwaymen here; I scorn the word, thof I sayit. None but honest, good gentlefolks, are welcome to my house; and, Ithank good luck, I have always had enow of such customers; indeed asmany as I could entertain. Here hath been my lord--," and then sherepeated over a catalogue of names and titles, many of which we might,perhaps, be guilty of a breach of privilege by inserting.
Jones, after much patience, at length interrupted her, by making anapology to Mrs Waters, for having appeared before her in his shirt,assuring her "That nothing but a concern for her safety could haveprevailed on him to do it." The reader may inform himself of heranswer, and, indeed, of her whole behaviour to the end of the scene,by considering the situation which she affected, it being that of amodest lady, who was awakened out of her sleep by three strange men inher chamber. This was the part which she undertook to perform; and,indeed, she executed it so well, that none of our theatrical actressescould exceed her, in any of their performances, either on or off thestage.
And hence, I think, we may very fairly draw an argument, to prove howextremely natural virtue is to the fair sex; for, though there is not,perhaps, one in ten thousand who is capable of making a good actress,and even among these we rarely see two who are equally able topersonate the same character, yet this of virtue they can alladmirably well put on; and as well those individuals who have it not,as those who possess it, can all act it to the utmost degree ofperfection.
When the men were all departed, Mrs Waters, recovering from her fear,recovered likewise from her anger, and spoke in much gentler accentsto the landlady, who did not so readily quit her concern for thereputation of the house, in favour of which she began again to numberthe many great persons who had slept under her roof; but the ladystopt her short, and having absolutely acquitted her of having had anyshare in the past disturbance, begged to be left to her repose, which,she said, she hoped to enjoy unmolested during the remainder of thenight. Upon which the landlady, after much civility and manycourtsies, took her leave.