Chapter iv.
Containing one of the most bloody battles, or rather duels, that wereever recorded in domestic history.
For the reasons mentioned in the preceding chapter, and from someother matrimonial concessions, well known to most husbands, and which,like the secrets of freemasonry, should be divulged to none who arenot members of that honourable fraternity, Mrs Partridge was prettywell satisfied that she had condemned her husband without cause, andendeavoured by acts of kindness to make him amends for her falsesuspicion. Her passions were indeed equally violent, whichever waythey inclined; for as she could be extremely angry, so could she bealtogether as fond.
But though these passions ordinarily succeed each other, and scarcetwenty-four hours ever passed in which the pedagogue was not, in somedegree, the object of both; yet, on extraordinary occasions, when thepassion of anger had raged very high, the remission was usuallylonger: and so was the case at present; for she continued longer in astate of affability, after this fit of jealousy was ended, than herhusband had ever known before: and, had it not been for some littleexercises, which all the followers of Xantippe are obliged to performdaily, Mr Partridge would have enjoyed a perfect serenity of severalmonths.
Perfect calms at sea are always suspected by the experienced marinerto be the forerunners of a storm, and I know some persons, who,without being generally the devotees of superstition, are apt toapprehend that great and unusual peace or tranquillity will beattended with its opposite. For which reason the antients used, onsuch occasions, to sacrifice to the goddess Nemesis, a deity who wasthought by them to look with an invidious eye on human felicity, andto have a peculiar delight in overturning it.
As we are very far from believing in any such heathen goddess, or fromencouraging any superstition, so we wish Mr John Fr----, or some othersuch philosopher, would bestir himself a little, in order to find outthe real cause of this sudden transition from good to bad fortune,which hath been so often remarked, and of which we shall proceed togive an instance; for it is our province to relate facts, and we shallleave causes to persons of much higher genius.
Mankind have always taken great delight in knowing and descanting onthe actions of others. Hence there have been, in all ages and nations,certain places set apart for public rendezvous, where the curiousmight meet and satisfy their mutual curiosity. Among these, thebarbers' shops have justly borne the pre-eminence. Among the Greeks,barbers' news was a proverbial expression; and Horace, in one of hisepistles, makes honourable mention of the Roman barbers in the samelight.
Those of England are known to be no wise inferior to their Greek orRoman predecessors. You there see foreign affairs discussed in amanner little inferior to that with which they are handled in thecoffee-houses; and domestic occurrences are much more largely andfreely treated in the former than in the latter. But this serves onlyfor the men. Now, whereas the females of this country, especiallythose of the lower order, do associate themselves much more than thoseof other nations, our polity would be highly deficient, if they hadnot some place set apart likewise for the indulgence of theircuriosity, seeing they are in this no way inferior to the other halfof the species.
In enjoying, therefore, such place of rendezvous, the British fairought to esteem themselves more happy than any of their foreignsisters; as I do not remember either to have read in history, or tohave seen in my travels, anything of the like kind.
This place then is no other than the chandler's shop, the known seatof all the news; or, as it is vulgarly called, gossiping, in everyparish in England.
Mrs Partridge being one day at this assembly of females, was asked byone of her neighbours, if she had heard no news lately of Jenny Jones?To which she answered in the negative. Upon this the other replied,with a smile, That the parish was very much obliged to her for havingturned Jenny away as she did.
Mrs Partridge, whose jealousy, as the reader well knows, was longsince cured, and who had no other quarrel to her maid, answeredboldly, She did not know any obligation the parish had to her on thataccount; for she believed Jenny had scarce left her equal behind her.
"No, truly," said the gossip, "I hope not, though I fancy we havesluts enow too. Then you have not heard, it seems, that she hath beenbrought to bed of two bastards? but as they are not born here, myhusband and the other overseer says we shall not be obliged to keepthem."
"Two bastards!" answered Mrs Partridge hastily: "you surprize me! Idon't know whether we must keep them; but I am sure they must havebeen begotten here, for the wench hath not been nine months goneaway."
Nothing can be so quick and sudden as the operations of the mind,especially when hope, or fear, or jealousy, to which the two othersare but journeymen, set it to work. It occurred instantly to her, thatJenny had scarce ever been out of her own house while she lived withher. The leaning over the chair, the sudden starting up, the Latin,the smile, and many other things, rushed upon her all at once. Thesatisfaction her husband expressed in the departure of Jenny, appearednow to be only dissembled; again, in the same instant, to be real; butyet to confirm her jealousy, proceeding from satiety, and a hundredother bad causes. In a word, she was convinced of her husband's guilt,and immediately left the assembly in confusion.
As fair Grimalkin, who, though the youngest of the feline family,degenerates not in ferocity from the elder branches of her house, andthough inferior in strength, is equal in fierceness to the noble tigerhimself, when a little mouse, whom it hath long tormented in sport,escapes from her clutches for a while, frets, scolds, growls, swears;but if the trunk, or box, behind which the mouse lay hid be againremoved, she flies like lightning on her prey, and, with envenomedwrath, bites, scratches, mumbles, and tears the little animal.
Not with less fury did Mrs Partridge fly on the poor pedagogue. Hertongue, teeth, and hands, fell all upon him at once. His wig was in aninstant torn from his head, his shirt from his back, and from his facedescended five streams of blood, denoting the number of claws withwhich nature had unhappily armed the enemy.
Mr Partridge acted for some time on the defensive only; indeed heattempted only to guard his face with his hands; but as he found thathis antagonist abated nothing of her rage, he thought he might, atleast, endeavour to disarm her, or rather to confine her arms; indoing which her cap fell off in the struggle, and her hair being tooshort to reach her shoulders, erected itself on her head; her stayslikewise, which were laced through one single hole at the bottom,burst open; and her breasts, which were much more redundant than herhair, hung down below her middle; her face was likewise marked withthe blood of her husband: her teeth gnashed with rage; and fire, suchas sparkles from a smith's forge, darted from her eyes. So that,altogether, this Amazonian heroine might have been an object of terrorto a much bolder man than Mr Partridge.
He had, at length, the good fortune, by getting possession of herarms, to render those weapons which she wore at the ends of herfingers useless; which she no sooner perceived, than the softness ofher sex prevailed over her rage, and she presently dissolved in tears,which soon after concluded in a fit.
That small share of sense which Mr Partridge had hitherto preservedthrough this scene of fury, of the cause of which he was hithertoignorant, now utterly abandoned him. He ran instantly into the street,hallowing out that his wife was in the agonies of death, andbeseeching the neighbours to fly with the utmost haste to herassistance. Several good women obeyed his summons, who entering hishouse, and applying the usual remedies on such occasions, MrsPartridge was at length, to the great joy of her husband, brought toherself.
As soon as she had a little recollected her spirits, and somewhatcomposed herself with a cordial, she began to inform the company ofthe manifold injuries she had received from her husband; who, shesaid, was not contented to injure her in her bed; but, upon herupbraiding him with it, had treated her in the cruelest mannerimaginable; had tore her cap and hair from her head, and her staysfrom her body, giving her, at the same time, several blows, the marksof which she should carry to the grav
e.
The poor man, who bore on his face many more visible marks of theindignation of his wife, stood in silent astonishment at thisaccusation; which the reader will, I believe, bear witness for him,had greatly exceeded the truth; for indeed he had not struck her once;and this silence being interpreted to be a confession of the charge bythe whole court, they all began at once, _una voce_, to rebuke andrevile him, repeating often, that none but a coward ever struck awoman.
Mr Partridge bore all this patiently; but when his wife appealed tothe blood on her face, as an evidence of his barbarity, he could nothelp laying claim to his own blood, for so it really was; as hethought it very unnatural, that this should rise up (as we are taughtthat of a murdered person often doth) in vengeance against him.
To this the women made no other answer, than that it was a pity it hadnot come from his heart, instead of his face; all declaring, that, iftheir husbands should lift their hands against them, they would havetheir hearts' bloods out of their bodies.
After much admonition for what was past, and much good advice to MrPartridge for his future behaviour, the company at length departed,and left the husband and wife to a personal conference together, inwhich Mr Partridge soon learned the cause of all his sufferings.