The Firefly Paradox
Ashley Chappell
Copyright 2014 by Ashley Chappell
All rights reserved.
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Discover other titles by Chappell:
Dreams of Chaos Series
Alice Will
Tilt
A God of Gods (Spring 2015)
Other Titles
Of War and Taters (Fall 2014)
View samples and extras at https://www.ashleychappellbooks.com/
For P.K. Hrezo for thinking this was a fun idea and letting me adopt Bianca Butterman for a few extremely fun pages. Bianca is the kind of character that you just want to have a few drinks with while you try to out-snark each other.
For all of the fellow fans of the Whedon-verse who will be singing a certain theme song before the end of this story.
And last but not least, for dear sweet Wash. I miss you most of all, Scarecrow.
Reader beware:
This way silliness lies
∞
"Ms. Chappell, you're absolutely, totally, utterly, perfectly clear that you've signed a binding agreement not to attempt to alter events in your chosen time destination, correct?" Bianca Butterman asked me for the third time as I signed the final waivers on my vacation package. She must have seen the glint in my eye because she was definitely getting suspicious.
"Absolutely," I answered, hoping that nervous squeak in my voice sounded innocent. I added on my sweetest smile and doe eyes; with any luck she'd think I was just another naïve fangirl hoping for a thrill. "Really, this moment just had such a HUGE impact on my life and I never felt like I had any closure. There were so many questions left unanswered and I just feel like if I see it for myself maybe I'll finally be able to let go. You know, pay my respects and say goodbye and all that," I rambled.
Bianca's eyes narrowed. "Just please remember that you will be held financially, ethically, and cosmically liable for any Paradox Factors your actions might cause," she said as though she were already tallying up the charges against me. PFs were a big deal now that time travel was the norm; however, the permanent damage that moment dealt to my psychological well-being was a pretty big deal to me, too. I'd decided months ago that it was worth the risk.
"Of course I will," I said with a little giggle. Too much? Maybe. But I never was much of an actress in the first place.
“Paradox Factors are a more serious matter than you might realize. We once had a client who was so depressed he decided that he’d commit suicide by going back and killing the younger version of himself at the age he last remembered being happy. He had some crazy thought that he’d spare himself years of misery that way. He managed to do it, though, and that left our tour guide stuck outside of the new timeline created when the client killed his past self. To fix it, the guide had to take another trip a few minutes into his own past to keep himself from taking his eyes off the client the first time. The poor thing,” she paused dramatically, shaking her head with regret.
“Oh?” I asked, pretending wide-eyed interest. I’d expected this; first they lecture you about following the rules, then they scare you into following them. I’d be surprised if this story didn’t end with decapitation, turning inside out, or something else gooey and fun like that. “What happened to them?” I prompted on cue.
“Well, the client survived the second time, though he swears his briefly dead self from the splintered timeline is still haunting him. He’s working that out with his therapist, I heard. But our poor guide,” she cluck-clucked her tongue and rolled through her phone for a photo before sliding it over to me, “he never quite recovered from being forced into the same space as his other self. This is how very wrong these things can go if you don’t follow the rules.”
I picked up the phone and suppressed a giggle – I’d found the same morbid stock art when I was working on my own horror RPG. It was appropriately gory and shocking without pushing you out of PG-13 territory. Perfectly suited, in other words, for Bianca’s attempted all-purposes scare tactics.
“Gosh,” I gasped, studying the photo in mock horror. “I can’t believe anyone would ever break the rules knowing this could happen to some poor soul.”
She watched me in silence long enough that I began to wonder how long I could shake my head in sympathy before it actually fell off. When she huffed and took the phone back I congratulated myself on passing the scare test. They weren’t going to break me!
"Fine," Bianca sighed and opened the pouch with my travel papers. Even if she didn't believe me, she obviously couldn't prove I was up to anything. Score! "Everything you need is right here. Your disguise for this trip is an office temp with very little experience so they won't be surprised if you don't seem to know what to do. Just try to stick with the coffee and bagels and everything should go smoothly. Here is your ID to get you into the building. Your guide is disguised as a janitor and he will always be within earshot. Or armshot if he needs to be," she added and just about leveled me with her glare. The last item she pulled from the pouch was a bulky rectangular object that look like it might have withstood a nuclear blast. "This is a Nokia cell phone appropriate to the year with the company emergency line programmed in at #1. Dialing that number will get you an immediate extraction. Are we clear?"
"As a bell!" I said, bobbing my head.
"Then I hope you enjoy your trip to 2003 and Fox Studios, Ms. Chappell. At Butterman Travel, we're always here to give you the time of your life," she shoved everything back in the pouch, placed it in my hands and pointed me toward the door to begin my trip.
I turned and waved again as the door closed behind me and resisted the urge to stick my tongue out at her as she kept her hands resolutely on her hips. I congratulated myself on clearing stage one of my plan like a boss. If I could fool Bianca Butterman I could really do this!
∞
As soon as the door closed, Bianca unclenched the fists that she’d kept balled against her hips in silent frustration. “I’m seriously going to have to talk to my parents about a raise,” she muttered as she hit the intercom to call down to Operations.
"Joe, your next client is in the tube. Whatever it takes, don't let this one out of your sight; she's got a smile that just screams 'lunatic.'"
∞
"Hey you, bagel girl!"
The office witch snapped her fingers in front of my face and I resisted the urge to break them. Barely. "Yes? Can I help you?" I asked, peeling my eyes away from the network executive board room. Joe, the beefy fake janitor who was my guide, was taking a suspiciously long time to mop the equally suspicious spill that just happened to be between me and the door. I’d have to find a way to get around him; they were already getting started!
"I asked if you were deaf or stupid, but I think I already know the answer to that one," barked the office witch. No wonder this place went through so many temps. "Ms. Watson called for a coffee five minutes ago and yet you're still standing here with your mouth open. Get going!"
I grunted and wheeled the cart toward Ms. Watson's office in the exact opposite direction from where I needed to be if I was going to save the world from television peril. A casual glance over my shoulder showed me Joe still mopping the floor, a feat which must have been a lot harder to do with both of his eyes focused on me walking away. If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was a candidate for sexual harassment. At Ms. Watson's office I found a shrew no sweeter than t
he office witch.
"Is that finally my non-fat half-caff latte I hear coming through my door?" She asked without looking up from her screen. I imagined she was probably too busy cancelling beloved children's shows in true Fox fashion.
"Yes, ma'am," I said glumly, glancing behind me again.
"Then bring it over here, for chrissake! Just set it on the coaster, and don't forget the lid this time! The last girl forgot the lid and coffee got absolutely everywhere."
"Yes.... ma'am!" I said as a new plan sprang to life. I put the coffee down and I didn't forget her precious lid. But she hadn't said anything about making sure the lid was firmly attached, had she?
I was half-way back to the coffee station and barely suppressing a smile when I heard her scream. "Ugh! Stupid, stupid girl! Janitor, get in here now!!!"
It was time to make my move!
∞
Meanwhile, Inside the Board Room...
"Seriously Bill, you can't compare a show like this to Star Trek. That was a show with class and with a classy following. The fan mail we're getting for this, frankly, it's a little scary."
"Alright, Clint, I get what you mean," Bill said, reaching for his vegan mocha grande. "Sure, it might be the comic fringe and the obsessive nerd crowd, but c'mon... a following is a following."
"I think Bill makes a good point," said the bookish lady across the table, trying hard not to reveal her secret fandom. "There's still money to be made off this franchise. Besides, they have a ridiculously tiny budget for a sci-fi show. What could it hurt to keep it on the schedule? I think it’s a no-brainer with as little investment as we have in it."
"But it's just so weird," said Clint with a frown. "Cowboys in spaceships? If anything, it's a cultish fad. I say we cash out and get out before it ends up costing us our advertisers."
"I don't know," said the quiet man at the head of the table. "Joss has never failed us before and I don't want to do anything that will damage our relationship. I'm going to need a better reason than a weird fan base before I cancel one of his shows."
∞
Joe was hot on my heels already. By the time I reached the double doors I knew I only had about 10 seconds to do what had to be done. I slammed the bagel cart through them and leaped on top of it, sending bagels and imported cheese nuggets flying everywhere as it rammed the table and dumped me in a barrel roll across the top of it. That – and the fact that I had very short-sightedly worn a dress – made sure I had every network board member's attention before I screamed at the top of my lungs:
"YOU CAN'T TAKE THE SKY FROM ME! YOU CAN'T CANCEL IT, EITHER! WHEDON FOREVER!!"
Joe grabbed me from behind and dragged me out where Security was already on the way to escort us out of the building. Bianca Butterman was probably going to ban me from time travel forever, but I didn't care - I knew I'd gotten through to them!
∞
"That's exactly the kind of nonsense I'm talking about," said Clint, wiping the herb goat cheese from his sleeve. Not an inch of mahogany or imported carpet had been spared from bits of pastry and free trade organic coffee. "Is that the kind of image the Network wants for its viewers? If the D&D crowd is what you want, then you can probably kiss the Abercrombie and Nike ads goodbye."
"Alright," sighed the director. "I was dead set against canceling it, but now I see your point. Firefly has to go."
"Great!" Said Clint. "Now we can talk about putting a real show in its slot. I had an idea for a great Joe Millionaire spinoff..."
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Again, my thanks go to the lovely author P.K. Hrezo for indulging me in this bit of fan fiction. This is my first and quite likely only piece of the genre I’ll ever write and it all came about when she innocently gave me the prompt – “If you could go anywhere in time, when would you go?”
You can blame her for everything that happened afterward.
I don’t know how or why the first thing that popped into my head was the idea to inadvertently cause the cancellation of Firefly in a fangirl attempt to save it, but it is undoubtedly the most fun I’ve had writing a short story in my entire life. It might have something to do with the narcissistic move of putting myself in the story, but as a fangirl at heart I just couldn’t resist it.
So my thanks go equally to you, the hopefully still giggling reader, for humoring me by wading through these few pages of fangirl daydreams. For those of you who are now stuck with the song in your head (you know who you are), I apologize. Sort of. But not really. Because as always….
You can’t take the sky from me…
If you enjoyed this peek at the Butterman (Time) Travel series you can check out the book that inspired my rantings here: https://down-the-rabbithole.com/
And if you would like to see more of my own YA Fantasy (I promise only gods, magic, and alternate realms. No more fangirling!), you can find my books here: https://www.ashleychappellbooks.com/
Cheers and Daydreams,
Ashley Chappell