‘I’m not… Oh, fuck it!’ I pressed my hands against my eyes briefly. ‘What’s the point? We can’t understand each other’s views. We might as well just decide what’s to be done with Zeph and get it all over with.’
‘I’ll tell you what you’ll do,’ Sinnar said.
Ysobi and I both turned to him.
‘Jass, you’ll visit Gesaril and apologise for the curse he believes you’ve put on him. Or rather, you’ll tell him it wasn’t a curse.’
I felt myself colour up. ‘What? Why does he think that?’
‘He said you cursed him when you visited his bedside. You should make it clear to him you didn’t… supposing that you didn’t! He told me what you said. You should take it back.’
I stared at my hands. ‘After what he said to me? I don’t suppose he told you that. Do you really expect me to make him feel better?’
Sinnar was firm in his response. ‘Yes, because he’s young and unhinged, and you’re not. It was Ysobi you should have confronted, not Gesaril. You are twice the har he is, and you terrified him. We have to attempt some damage limitation here. Ysobi, you will tell Gesaril that you can no longer be involved in his caste training, that you have become too personally concerned. You will also apologise to him. When Codexia Huriel arrives from Kyme, you will ask him to help you, Yz. I hope he can help Gesaril also.’ Ysobi tried to say something, but Sinnar silenced him. ‘Say nothing. This is the way it will be. You need to talk to Huriel about the problems you’ve been having. Aruna is not just sex, it’s a potent force, and I really don’t think hara yet appreciate the extent of its power. You need to control this “effect” you have on the impressionable. We can’t risk anything like this happening again. Do you understand me?’
‘You have no idea,’ Ysobi said, then shook his head. ‘I’m sorry, Sinnar, but you really don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Maybe I don’t,’ Sinnar said. ‘You’re the hienama, not me. I’m just the har who has to keep things running smoothly in this town, and unfortunately for you, my word is law. As I said, I don’t want to lose you, not least because you’re a good friend. But if you can’t see there’s a problem, I don’t know how we can proceed. In some ways, this is partly my fault. I should have addressed the situation with you after Morien.’
Ysobi stood up again. ‘I have to go now, Sinnar. I’ll speak to you again later.’ He glanced at me. ‘Zeph is with me, Jass.’
‘I know,’ I said. ‘Do you want me to fetch him?’
‘No. He’s my son too. Come and see him, if you want to.’ With these words, he walked out. Sinnar didn’t try to stop him.
I sat there for some moments, dazed. It hadn’t gone particularly well, I thought. I hadn’t been lofty and objective enough.
Sinnar sighed and stretched. He rolled his head around and rubbed the back of his neck. ‘I could do without all this,’ he said.
‘I am really sorry.’
‘It’s Zeph I worry about. Jass, what do you want?’
‘The truth?’ I laughed coldly. ‘A rewind of time. Despite everything, I love that har. I must be mad.’
Sinnar’s voice was gentler now. ‘Then go and see him, talk to him. Let the dust settle a little, but when you go to him, don’t argue. Remember what was said about chesna. I don’t think you were wrong to be close to him. I think your bond was real. He just has a warped sense of duty to his students, and yes, I think you might have hit on a partial truth with what you said about his training methods. You ran, but you came back. This is your home and you’re an asset to our community. Don’t throw everything away without trying to salvage what’s precious.’
‘You’re a wise har,’ I said. ‘Jesith is lucky to have you.’
‘Wise?’ Sinnar laughed. ‘Not that. I just look for the easiest and cleanest ways out of trouble.’
‘I’ll go and see Gesaril. But not yet, OK?’
‘Don’t leave it too long,’ Sinnar said, ‘any of it. If you do, it might be too late to act.’
I stood up. ‘I understand.’ I ducked my head. ‘Thank you.’
For another couple of days, I kept my distance from both Ysobi and Gesaril. Fahn was still rather frosty with me, and Orphie also kept away, which made me sad. Minnow and Vole were fine, even if there were some uncomfortable moments when I first saw them again. I asked Minnow to bring Zeph from the Nayati to spend time with me. I couldn’t face Ysobi yet.
Zeph was clearly upset and my heart contracted. ‘When can we come home?’ he asked in a small mournful voice and it brought tears to my eyes.
‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry, Zeph, but…’
How to tell a harling his parents had reached a cold bitter place? It was so wrong, so human, as Sinnar had pointed out.
‘You should go and see Ysobi,’ Minnow said to me.
‘He could have come here,’ I countered. ‘He hasn’t.’
Minnow rolled his eyes. ‘Look, one of you has to bludgeon down the pride!’
I knew he was right, but I didn’t want it to be me. I wanted Ysobi to come to me, to tell me he loved me best of all. I might snarl at him in reply, but I wouldn’t know what I really felt until I heard him say he cared for me truly. My head was in a constant spin, knowing he was so close and yet so far.
I also kept away from Zehn, not least because late at night I wanted to go to his bed for comfort, which I knew was unfair. I did send him a gift, which was a bunch of red tulips, bound with ribbon and attached with a note that said, ‘It’s not the season for forget-me-nots, but these flowers are the colour of the passion you gave to me. Our time together will be with me always.’
He sent no responding note. It would take weeks before we could spend time in each other’s company again.
Every time I went to work and bumped into Sinnar, I was conscious of not having done the things he wanted me to do. On the afternoon of the second day, I gave in and went to his office. ‘Can I have an hour or so off, please?’
He studied me. ‘For?’
‘Unfinished business,’ I said.
Sinnar nodded and went back to his paperwork. ‘Take the rest of the day off.’
Gesaril was out in the garden when I arrived at Sinnar’s house. He was kneeling in the soil, tidying up the plants, pulling out last year’s dead wood. He was so deep in thought he didn’t hear me approach and only became aware of my presence when he sensed me looming behind him. His astonished jump was comical.
‘Hello, Gesaril,’ I said. ‘Sinnar has asked me to come and tell you I haven’t cursed you.’
Gesaril’s face flushed. He turned back to his task and didn’t say anything.
‘Lost your tongue?’ I enquired. ‘You were fairly full of things you wanted to say a few nights ago.’
‘I shouldn’t have said anything,’ he said. ‘Please go.’
‘Sorry, I can’t. I made a promise. Do you really think you’re cursed?’
He glanced at me. ‘You know that I am.’
‘If I did that, I lift it here and now,’ I said.
He ignored me.
‘Look,’ I said, then sighed. ‘Gesaril, what happened was not just your fault, and it was wrong of me to have confronted you that way. I was angry. You might have done the same in my position.’
He stopped what he was doing then and watched me warily, perhaps wondering whether this apparent pleasant front concealed weapons.
I hunkered down in front of him. ‘Will you tell me the truth?’
‘About what?’
‘You and Ysobi.’
He nodded, frowning, not meeting my eyes. ‘What do you want to know?’
‘That time, when he began the arunic arts with you – did he really hurt you?’
He glanced at me then, quickly, then away. ‘I should have told him,’ he said, ‘but I couldn’t.’
‘Told him what?’
Gesaril shook his head, half-heartedly pulled a dead stalk from the ground. ‘I know about Orphie,’ he said, which could have me
ant anything.
I shrugged, gestured with both hands, hoping he’d go on.
‘Bad things happen,’ he said. ‘I think the towns we live in are bubbles. They’re like dreams in bubbles. Outside, it’s different.’
My thighs were aching, so I sat down. ‘Are you talking about what happened to Orphie’s hostling?’ My voice was slightly sharp, because as far as I knew there was only one har who could tell him such a thing, and it certainly wasn’t Orphie. The only har I’d told was Ysobi.
Gesaril nodded again, still unable to meet my eyes. ‘There were five of us. We thought we were safe. Everyhar thought we were safe, because the Shadowvales is a magical place. We were playing on the beach, some miles from town. They came in from the sea, that’s all. Two of us got away.’
I stared at him. ‘What are you saying?’
Gesaril’s gaze was unfocused; he looked right through me. ‘I was five years old. My parents told me I’d forget, that I was har and therefore I’d heal properly, through and through.’ He fixed me with his eyes. ‘Sometimes, I see those creatures in the fields. I can’t be sure it’s not real. I heard about Orphie. These things happen.’
He returned to his weeding. I stared at his back for some moments. My mouth had gone dry. ‘Gesaril, are you saying that somehar committed pelki on you when you were a harling?’
He nodded, but didn’t stop what he was doing. ‘They were har, but they didn’t look like it. They were insane. Animals. Full of hate. To them, harlings were loathsome.’
‘Why didn’t your hara tell any of us about this?’
‘Because they think it’s over, that I’m all right. That’s the way things are in the Shadowvales. Bad things aren’t allowed to exist. It’s all serene.’
‘Gesaril, look at me.’
He didn’t for a few seconds, but then turned round.
‘How did you get through feybraiha?’
He shrugged. ‘My friend was with me. He was young, it wasn’t too demanding. I like aruna, Jassenah. That’s not the problem.’
‘Then, what is?’
‘If I’m careful, it’s OK. If I’m ouana, it’s OK. I usually am.’ He laughed sadly. ‘I can see what you’re thinking. You’ve decided what kind of har I am. What was it you called me to your friends? A soume shrew?’
I wasn’t pleased somehar had felt it necessary to tell him that. ‘Well...’
‘It doesn’t matter. I know what I’m like. It’s like a shout to the world to say I’m not damaged, that I’m fine. I envy hara like you, because you really are fine. I saw your contempt for me the first minute I laid eyes on you. You see, I have a brain. I have feelings. Sorry to shatter your illusions.’
This conversation had taken a surreal turn. ‘No, I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be. You didn’t misjudge me. I tried to take Ysobi off you. I admit that. I do love him, despite what happened. You know what it was like? Rocks cracking, the earth breaking apart. I could hear myself ripping. It was too loud. I felt like I was bleeding inside myself, leaking into every organ. I thought I’d die. It brought it all back, but then Ysobi was there for me, helping me through it. I know I should have told him the history. I didn’t want to, because I hate it. So, the answer to your original question is yes, he really hurt me. Is there anything else you want to know?’
Only minutes before, he’d been unable to meet my eyes, now our gazes were locked. ‘Did you really try to kill yourself while I was dropping Zeph’s pearl?’
‘Yes and no. I didn’t care if I lived or died, but I wanted Ysobi to stay with me. There were… shadows… in his garden. Sometimes, they’d come right up to the window. I thought they were waiting for me to be alone. It wasn’t about love that day. Something else. Does that satisfy you?’
‘Have you told anyhar else in Jesith these things?’
‘No. I’m only telling you because I know Ysobi’s in trouble over me. He shouldn’t be blamed. I’m fucked up. I’ve been thinking how I could tell Sinnar or Tibar, but since you’re here, I might as well tell you. They’ll send me home, won’t they?’
I ducked my head. ‘They want a har from Kyme to talk to you first. Sinnar has told Ysobi he mustn’t continue with your training.’
‘You must be pleased about that.’
I was silent for a moment. ‘Has Ysobi been coming here to take aruna with you?’
Gesaril stared at me unabashed. ‘He comes to me because I’m afraid. We’ve taken aruna twice since I’ve been here. I’ve hidden from him all that lies inside me. He’s been soume for me. He makes me feel better. He’s so strong. But then so are you. I can’t fight you. I’ve already told you that. We both tried to curse each other, Jassenah, and it was pointless. I tried to use magic to make Ysobi mine, but it all backfired. It’s sad, because I know he could heal me, but it’d take more than just a hienama and student relationship. I got here too late.’
His words actually astounded me. ‘I appreciate your honesty, but I think you’ve played on the fact that Ysobi hurt you and opened you up to these weird hallucinations you’re having.’
‘Probably. Wouldn’t you?’ Gesaril laughed bitterly. ‘Not that it’s got me anywhere. He’s tried to help me, but I know he won’t risk his position for me. It means more to him than any living har, and that includes you. Like you said, there’ll always be students.’
I stood up. ‘Thank you for speaking to me. Do you want me to tell Sinnar what you’ve told me?’
‘I suppose you must.’ Again, a bleak laugh. ‘You must be confused now. I’m pathetic, a creature to be pitied, but I’m also the soume shrew who came between you and Ysobi. Don’t bother pitying me. It’s not you who’s stopping me having him, it’s myself. I can’t let his reputation be ruined. He means more to me than that. And the fuss you’ve made means his reputation is hanging by a thread.’
‘Actually, it’s more than that, Gesaril. This has happened before – twice.’
‘I’m not surprised. He’s an exceptional har. You can go now. There’s nothing else I want to say to you.’
‘There’s nothing else I want to hear.’
I walked back to town, thinking how right I’d been and also how wrong. Nothing in life is ever simple. It’s a tangled web, which gets ever more complex the more closely you examine it. I went to the stone circle in the woods and there sat down. Bluebells were slowly casting a blue shawl across the forest lawn. In this place, I spoke to Aruhani.
His just reward is truth, that’s all. I dismiss my anger. Let it be gone.
I then spent some time visualising a healing situation for Gesaril, and it wasn’t as difficult as I feared it would be. My anger really had disappeared.
I took the long way round to the Nayati, following paths on the edge of town that kept me away from others.
Aeron and Orphie were both there when I arrived, but Zeph was not. Orphie looked relieved to see me, but also anxious. I said to Ysobi, ‘Can we talk now? Or should I come back later?’
Ysobi studied me for some seconds. ‘We should talk now,’ he said and turned to his students. ‘Carry on. I’ll be back shortly.’ He directed me into the Nayati itself.
We stood in the empty hall that smelled of incense and wood and the cut greenery that decorated it. Ysobi stood before me with his arms folded, his face expressionless. ‘What do you want to say, Jass?’
‘Where’s Zeph?’
‘One of my colleagues has taken him out. He’s learning about the forests.’
‘Oh. OK.’ I paused, took a breath. ‘I’ve been to see Gesaril.’
Ysobi shifted his weight from one foot to the other. ‘Did you apologise to him as Sinnar asked?’
‘Sort of. I told him he wasn’t cursed. Mainly, I asked him some questions.’
‘And what evidence did the prosecution uncover, then?’
‘That Gesaril was the victim of pelki as a young harling, which has contributed greatly to his current condition.’
Ysobi’s eyes widened, and I saw his professional self slip
into him at once. ‘Really? Is that true?’
‘I believe him,’ I said. ‘It explains a lot. He also confessed to the fact he was – as he put it – trying to take you off me.’
Ysobi put one hand against his mouth for some moments. ‘He hid his past well, too well.’
‘The hallucinations were real, I think. He sees his attackers. The arunic training must have opened up parts of his mind to such things. He hasn’t got over the experience, clearly.’
‘Astounding,’ Ysobi said. ‘And tragic.’ He gestured abruptly. ‘Of course: these figures he sees could be thoughtforms, conjured by his own mind.’
I nodded. ‘Probably. Well, it lets you off the hook. Gesaril is concerned for your reputation. I don’t think he has any intention of returning to the Shadowvales and bad-mouthing your methods, as Sinnar fears. He is in love with you.’
Ysobi rubbed his face. ‘I didn’t intend for that to happen.’
‘Maybe not. Look, if you want to go to him, then do. I won’t cause any trouble about it. I’m tired of it all. It makes me feel tainted.’
‘It wouldn’t be fair to go to him,’ Ysobi said. ‘I can’t give him what he wants.’
‘You said something similar to me, once.’
‘Even if you weren’t here, if we’d never happened, I wouldn’t go to him, Jass. I never lied to you about my feelings.’
I shrugged. ‘Well, whatever. You were right. It seems I can’t cope with what you do. I’ve turned on you, as Morien did, and maybe the one before did too.’
Ysobi considered this. ‘It’s only Gesaril you can’t cope with. I didn’t cope with him too well, either. I have a blind spot. I can’t see the shadows flying in on me. Sinnar’s right. I need to address it.’
‘Funny how these shadows have shown up whenever you’ve taken a chesnari.’
‘Perhaps an important lesson.’ He paused. ‘Where have you been these last few days?’
I held his gaze boldly. ‘In the Shadowvales. No, don’t look like that. I wasn’t searching for evidence about Gesaril. Zehn took me there, as you no doubt know. I needed him, Yz. I needed to try and forget you, because I was so hurt.’