At home, Ysobi made us drinks, while I went up to bed. The room was very cold, because the fire had gone out hours ago, and I was eager to cocoon myself in blankets. When Ysobi came into the room, there was a look I didn’t recognise in his eyes. It made me feel strangely excited yet full of trepidation. ‘What are you thinking?’ I asked him.
He shook his head. ‘I don’t know yet. I enjoyed today, didn’t you?’
‘Yes. Are you thinking about that har Tibar told you about?’
‘No. Not at all.’ He began to undress.
It was a show I would never tire of, he was so beautiful. When he was naked, he shook out his hair and my heart turned over. I noticed his ouana-lim was slightly erect.
When we took aruna together, we didn’t often bother with all the pyrotechnics of Ysobi’s considerable skills. We found pleasure and contentment in a fairly basic union, when we’d mingle our thoughts and our dreams. He aroused me so much, I could reach a peak just by having him press against me for a few minutes. And the peaks were, for me, an energy expression of my intense love for him. I could often see the light of them.
That night, after he’d shaken out his hair, he brushed it back with his fingers and then wound it into a long rope, which he knotted at the nape of his neck. I knew what that meant. He got into bed and shared breath with me for a few moments. He felt different, somehow driven and sure about something. Presently, he began to kiss my chest and stomach, before burrowing down the bed to the cave my raised knees had made in the blankets. As he tongued me, I had the feeling this was all for a reason. It was like the training again, precise and measured. For some reason, this aroused me more. He spent some time tantalising my third sikra, then began to use his fingers on me. He pinched the nubs of the sikras till they hurt, but it was a hurt I craved. He went deep inside me, opening me up, reaching for the higher sikras. He was breathing very heavily.
‘Yz,’ I murmured. ‘What is it you want to do?’
He didn’t say anything. After what seemed like hours of agonising delight, when he’d manipulated me to the point of release several times without satisfying me, he finally lay upon me. I felt the petals on the head of his ouana-lim pressing against me, hard as wood. He rubbed the first sikra for a while, then progressed to the second. I was becoming lost in an ocean of insane visions, which were like opium dreams. The waves of sensation in my body were like waves of sound. I could also smell them. I could see a row of stars before me, exploding suns, which I knew were sikras. They pulsed with different colours. There were five of them, but if I directed my attention slightly to the side of them, it seemed there were another two, very faint, above them. And above them was a golden egg of light. It made me think of a dehar, some supernatural being.
Inside my body, the sikras were like musical notes, or the strings of an instrument. I could feel Ysobi playing each one, making the music. For a moment, I was back completely in the physical. Ysobi was thrusting into me strongly, but his whole body was shaking. Something was happening inside me, something immense. It was more than climax. For a moment, I was afraid.
Then we were in the eye of the storm, and Ysobi was looking into my eyes. ‘There are more than five sikras in the soume-lam,’ he said matter-of-factly, which seemed absurd, as if he was back to teaching me. ‘The other two are accessible only rarely, and for a special purpose.’
‘What do you want to do?’
‘I want a pearl with you, Jass. I’ve never done it. I had to see whether we were capable, and we are. I can feel it, can’t you? The sixth sikra is about to open, and beyond it lies the seventh, the cauldron of creation. But if you want to stop now, we will. I’ll end it in the usual way. Will you do this with me?’
I remembered, then, how I’d often caught him watching Sinnar and his son that day. I remembered how I’d felt about the harling, my distaste. And yet, here I was, swooning in waves of aruna’s potent tides, and he asked me a question like that. My world at that time was comprised of the most glorious colours: I felt I loved everything in it. Would it be so bad? I wondered. As a har, surely I should experience this essentially female aspect of my being? Sinnar and Tibar would help me, and I had Ysobi, who loved me. He had asked me to make what was, for me, a big sacrifice. He had never done it with anyhar before. I wanted to give him this thing, the ultimate expression of what I felt for him. Not least, because I could.
‘Don’t end it,’ I said, and pulled his head down to kiss him.
We stayed that way, lip to lip, as he continued the process that would result in our son. The sensation was not entirely pleasant, because the tongue of his ouana-lim really had to dig deep into the flesh of the sixth sikra to open it up. It was like a barbed arrow, and I was virgin there. Then, it didn’t hurt any more and the fever dreams swept over me again in a vast tsunami. I became nothing other than the cauldron of creation, the heart of the universe where stars are born. The seventh sikra, I found, was not in my body, but somewhere else, linked to me. I was filled with a scalding stream of stars, which I knew was Ysobi’s aren: a sparkling mist, which was my yaloe, tumbled over them, enfolding them. Sparks shot out in every direction. A soul was knitted into the raw stuff of creation; the essences of our bodies.
We actually fell asleep, still joined, and I dreamed I walked with our harling in a meadow of yellow flowers. He introduced himself to me, said he was happy he would come to us. Perhaps it was just a dream.
The following morning, Ysobi and I hardly spoke to one another, because what we’d experienced was beyond words. Also, I felt numb and shocked. We went for a long walk in the afternoon, and then in the evening to Minnow and Vole’s house, since we’d been invited there for a party. My whole body was still thrumming with the aftershock of what had happened. I knew my eyes were alight.
Minnow noticed something different about me at once. ‘You look really strange,’ he said, taking the gifts from my hands that we’d brought for him and his brother. ‘Not bad, but really strange. Are you all right?’
We were in the living room, which was lit by candlelight and warmed by an enormous fire that blazed in the hearth. The air smelled of cut evergreen and spiced wine. Around fifteen other hara were present. Others had yet to arrive. But Zehn was there. I almost didn’t want to speak, but knew I had to. ‘I’ve got some news,’ I said.
Conversations died down. I don’t know what they expected. Now, I didn’t want to say anything.
Ysobi took over. ‘Last night, we made a pearl.’
There were several moments of stunned silence, then Fahn came to us and embraced us both. He kissed our faces. ‘You’re blessed,’ he said. ‘You’ll bring a wondrous new soul to Jesith.’
I was overcome with a strange kind of embarrassment. I wished Ysobi hadn’t said anything. I couldn’t look at Zehn; he was the only one who didn’t come to embrace and congratulate us. What could I say to make him feel better? Nothing.
Later, once everyhar was playing music, dancing or singing, and the wine and ale were flowing, Minnow drew me into the kitchen. ‘I’ve got to hand it to you, Jass,’ he said, ‘you’ve done wonders with Ysobi. Nohar ever thought he’d go into a chesna bond again. You’ve revived him. I’m sorry I doubted you.’
‘This will be weird for me,’ I said.
‘You are totally OK with it, aren’t you?’ Minnow looked concerned.
I answered too quickly. ‘Yes, of course.’ It was hard to meet his gaze. ‘Well, it feels a bit strange, I don’t deny it, but it feels kind of right too.’
‘At least harlings grow up quickly,’ Minnow said. ‘Before you know it, he’ll be har.’
‘Hmm. I think I’ll need all the help I can get, though. This wasn’t exactly planned.’
‘So how does it happen, then?’ Minnow was always eager for intimate details.
‘Hard to describe,’ I replied. ‘You can’t do it with just anyhar. You have to be chesna, I think. It’s a shattering experience. I haven’t got over it yet.’
‘I can tell. You look gre
at, though.’ Minnow sighed. ‘It’s a bit disorientating. I mean, I know Tibar and Sinnar have done it, but not many others here in Jesith. Some of us are beginning to take the plunge, obviously, really embracing what it means to be Wraeththu. It’s brave of you, Jass. It really is. You were a human male once.’
‘Shut up!’ I said. ‘I don’t want to think about that. It makes me feel freakish.’
Minnow narrowed his eyes, observed me keenly. ‘It was Ysobi’s idea, wasn’t it?’
I made a careless gesture with one hand. ‘It was a mutual idea. We’re celebrating. Let’s get on with it.’
I spent the next week paying extra attention to my body, trying to discern changes within me. I felt little different to how I’d felt before, but I guessed this would change as the pearl developed. I had to keep telling myself there was life inside me, because it didn’t feel real. The memory of creating it began to blur in my mind. Perhaps it hadn’t really happened and we’d just thought we’d done it. Then I started to get twinges in my belly and when I pressed my flesh, it felt hard beneath. Something was growing there. At times, it made me panic and I thought it would be easy then to give in to insanity, to run outside screaming, tearing at my skin.
Eventually, I went to see Sinnar. I had to talk to somehar, and he was happy to oblige me. I don’t think he’d ever harboured doubts and fears like mine.
‘Anxiety is normal,’ he said. ‘It takes a while to get used to the idea, but it is a natural thing, Jass, so just let nature do its work.’
‘How long will it take for the pearl to… form?’ I wanted to know.
‘Oh, between two and a half or three months,’ he said. ‘When it’s ready, you’ll drop it, and then it will take a couple more weeks for the harling to be ready to emerge from the pearl. Let me be with you for the drop. I won’t lie to you: it’s not the most edifying of experiences.’
‘Hurts?’
He pulled a sour face. ‘Have you ever been tortured?’
I winced. ‘Fortunately, no.’
‘Well, all I’ll say is the worst torture cannot be as bad.’ I must have looked horrified, because Sinnar smiled and gripped one of my hands. ‘We’ll do what we can for you to make it happen quickly. There are certain herbal drinks you can take beforehand to assist matters. There are things I can do, or show Ysobi how to do if you prefer, that help the soume-lam cope with it all.’
‘Do you go back to normal afterwards?’ I couldn’t keep the horror from my voice, since it was now too late to change my mind.
Sinnar laughed. ‘Completely! We’re not human, Jass. Within a week, nohar will be able to tell you’ve ever carried a pearl. There are benefits to it, too, I noticed. I’m more sensitive to touch than I was before. Let’s just say that Tibar is delighted with the changes.’
Ysobi seemed so pleased about the pearl, I hadn’t the heart to discuss my fears with him. He felt it was an achievement, that it proved our chesna bond was not only right but superior. I think that to him we were like gods.
After a couple of weeks, my shock and horror began to subside, perhaps because chemicals in my body made it happen to ensure the pearl’s survival. I still had to endure the curiosity of my friends, but life went more or less back to normal. I prepared myself daily for the arrival of the first student: Gesaril from Shadowvales. Another would be coming a couple of weeks after that. Then there was a gap until the Spring Equinox, when a third would arrive. At that point, it would be most likely Ysobi would have three to train at once, at varying levels of experience. I wouldn’t let myself think about the implications too much, but I sensed our aruna life would suffer in the spring. However, at that time, I’d no doubt be occupied with the harling, who would have emerged from the pearl by then, or be just about to.
Zehn was doing some deliveries for Sinnar, and one afternoon, we bumped into each other in one of the must-rooms at the vineyard. There were some moments of awkwardness, then he said, ‘I’m happy for you, Jass. I guess you found the thing I’ve always been looking for.’
I didn’t know how to respond. I shrugged. ‘I didn’t expect it, Zehn. It just happened.’
Zehn laughed bleakly. ‘It’s that training he does, I guess. I heard about it. Is that what you used on me?’
I was horrified to realise my face had coloured up. ‘Zehn…’
‘It’s OK,’ he said, raising his hands. ‘I don’t regret it, nor will I ever forget it. I’d die for you, Jass. I want you to be happy. You can always call on me as a friend, if ever you need help.’
‘Thanks.’ I embraced him briefly, but he was unyielding in my hold.
Gesaril arrived one afternoon, but I didn’t get to meet him straight away. Ysobi came over in the evening and informed me his new student was ‘as exasperating as they come. Shall we say high maintenance?’
‘Spoiled brat?’ I enquired, pleased to hear it.
He laughed. ‘Yeah, very much so. Note to self: do not indulge son too much!’
‘Think you can train him?’
‘Give me a whip and a chair, and there’s a fair chance. He thinks it’s all beneath him, but his parents are keen for him to have the labels of the levels, as it were. They’re quite high-ranking, it’s obvious.’
I imagined an obnoxious, cocky little har, who would no doubt be very much like the obnoxious, cocky little humans I’d hung out with before I was har. I’d probably been the same way myself. Perhaps I should be more understanding. ‘He’s young,’ I said. ‘Getting to know himself. Maybe it’ll be all right.’
‘Come here,’ Ysobi said, and pulled me onto his lap. He put a hand on my belly, nuzzled my neck.
Things did not go well with the training. Ysobi would come to visit me and get the closest to ranting in anger that he was capable of. Gesaril was rude, inattentive and disruptive. When Ysobi tried to teach him a technique, even as basic as mind touch, he’d just say something like, ‘Why the fuck should I?’
‘So often, I long to throw him out,’ Ysobi said to me.
‘Then, why don’t you?’ I asked.
Ysobi only grimaced. ‘I can’t do that. The training’s hardly begun. How would it appear to his hara at home?’
I really didn’t care. I couldn’t understand why Ysobi wanted to persist with a hopeless case. If he was worried about his reputation, he could always say that the har wasn’t of high enough standard for him to teach. But Ysobi wouldn’t give up. He was sure he could reach this har.
‘He’s behaving this way for a reason,’ Ysobi said. ‘He’s bright, and could do the work easily. I want to get to the bottom of it.’ He shook his head. ‘He just won’t let anyhar in.’
Somehow, I couldn’t see the arunic arts figuring greatly in Gesaril’s education. That is, not until I met him.
Gesaril had been in Jesith for over a week. A couple of bands were in town, so Ysobi and I went out at the weekend to see them play. As usual, the event was at Willow Pool Garden, since it was the largest hostelry we had. We sat down with our friends, and were indulging in idle gossip, when I saw him. I didn’t know who it was. I just saw this beautiful creature and remember thinking he had ‘Zehn’ written all over him. ‘Yz,’ I said discreetly. ‘I think there’s an out-towner here we could put money on, in terms of Zehn having him later on.’ I jerked my head in the new har’s direction.
Ysobi glanced over his shoulder. He sighed, rolled his eyes and said sarcastically, ‘Oh, great.’
I knew then who it was.
The har in question sashayed over to our table. He had thick brown hair, cut to his shoulders and astounding straight black eyebrows, with sultry dark eyes beneath. His lips were full, made to kiss. ‘Ysobi,’ he said. ‘I wouldn’t have thought this was your kind of thing.’ He glanced at me, summing me up in seconds.
‘Gesaril,’ Ysobi said wearily, ‘this is my chesnari, Jassenah. Jass, this is my latest student.’
‘Hi,’ said Gesaril. One shoulder was bare, since the oversize, soft wool jumper he wore kept slipping off it. He spent a lot o
f time needlessly sliding it back, only for it to drip once more seductively to his elbow.
I nodded to him. My hackles were up. I knew his type. I was actually praying for Zehn to show up. Now that the charming Gesaril was aware his teacher had a chesnari, Ysobi would become infinitely more fascinating to him. I just knew it. And Gesaril was exquisite, in that mean, careless way his kind has. He was an ouana-charmer. Hara would fall helplessly and mindlessly before him.
‘Are you enjoying your training?’ I enquired pleasantly.
He wrinkled his perfect nose. ‘It’s OK. Yzzi insists it’s all essential stuff, but I just want to get to the interesting part. I know what he’s famous for!’ He laughed beautifully, while I froze from the gut outwards. With these words, knowing how accurately he’d hit his target, no doubt, Gesaril sauntered off, with a languid wave of one hand and a drawled: ‘See ya!’
Don’t be ridiculous, I told myself. He’s a posturing fool. He’s an empty pretty shell, that’s all. Then I could see him on the cushions in the Nayati, his gorgeous body spread out, his face transfigured by pleasure, those wonderful lips slightly open. I could see Ysobi’s head between his legs, and I heard the moans he would make. I felt sick.
‘Jass?’ Ysobi said. He sounded worried.
I shook my head. ‘What a little shit!’
‘I know. I’ll speak to him. He doesn’t realise you’re with pearl.’
I hadn’t realised it was possible for my frozen innards to go colder. ‘Don’t tell him,’ I said quickly.
Ysobi frowned. ‘Why not? He’s being flirty. He should know it’s not really appropriate at the moment. Your emotions are up and down.’
I wanted to stand up and leave. I felt furious, not least because of Ysobi’s rather patronising remark. ‘He called you Yzzi,’ I said. ‘How come he’s so familiar with you after so short a time?’
‘He does it to try and wind me up,’ Ysobi said. ‘Ignore it. I do.’
I shook my head. ‘He’s trouble,’ I said. ‘Be careful, Yz.’
‘I know he’s trouble,’ Ysobi said. ‘I don’t need you to tell me.’ He squeezed my shoulder. ‘Just enjoy yourself. Forget him.’