To help me, one afternoon we performed a simple majhahn of healing together in a private open-air Nayati, deep in a part of the woods not many hara used. Neither he nor I mentioned our intentions to anyhar, which at the time I didn’t really question, although now it seems strange. We called upon the dehara, and visited the astral realm in meditation. Sinnar guided our inner journey to the astral palace of Aruhani, who although is a dehar of aruna, birth and death, also has a vicious side. Sinnar asked him to protect me.
When we came out of the meditation, I asked him why he’d done that. ‘Do I need protection?’ I asked.
‘Sometimes we need protection from ourselves,’ he answered. It was a bright winter day, but freezing cold. We sat upon large stones that had been arranged in a circle to create the boundary of the Nayati.
I shivered, and pulled my goatskin coat closer around me. The long goat hair around my neck moved in the wind. I was surrounded by a smell of animal that was turning to carrion. ‘The dreams I have…’ I almost didn’t want to speak, and I noticed Sinnar wasn’t too keen to meet my eye. ‘They could be a symptom of psychic attack, right?’
‘I’m sure it’s not that,’ Sinnar said. He looked at me then. ‘You’re strong. It would take a very strong soul to reach you in that way.’
I put my head to one side, raised an eyebrow. ‘Sinnar,’ I said meaningfully.
He sighed. ‘I meant what I said. I don’t know anyhar capable of hurting you… who would want to.’
Yet still he’d felt the need to add that little coda to our ritual. I didn’t want to believe it was possible either. I didn’t want Gesaril to have the ability to wield that kind of power.
I said nothing of that afternoon to Ysobi, or to anyhar else, but I kept alert. I watched for signs and omens, I prowled my house like a cat after dark, but unfortunately I paid less attention to what was going on in my inner world.
A new student had arrived; a boisterous young har called Aeron, who had recently been incepted into a phyle further east. He was not dislikeable, although a handful in a different way to how Gesaril was. He was of the type that thought he knew everything, and tended to challenge Ysobi and argue with him. I think Ysobi rather enjoyed this. In appearance, Aeron was long-faced and thin, a har not yet altogether comfortable in his new skin. I could tell he was unable to see beauty in himself, which was probably why he was so stroppy. If you complimented him, he’d get aggressive in his embarrassment. For this reason, hara used to tease him a lot. Most of the time, he didn’t know whether to shout at them or cry. I thought it prudent to invite Aeron to dinner sometimes too, as we did with Orphie. Ysobi was spending a lot more time with the students; Orphie and Aeron worked well together, surprisingly. Consequently, I was beginning to go out in the evenings alone, or rather I took Zeph with me. If he got tired, he’d find a corner near my feet and go to sleep. If he was awake, he’d watch hara and occasionally condescend to interact with them, if he was in the mood. It was almost as if Gesaril had left Jesith: nohar talked about him, and I never saw him about. I assumed Sinnar had him under control, and once Kyme had sent word about him, a decision as to his future would be made. My bad dreams diminished after the majhahn I’d done with Sinnar; maybe our secret fears had been misplaced.
One evening, Zehn and I had an argument. To be more accurate, Zehn once again took it upon himself to take me on. No, that’s not accurate at all. I’ll just say what happened.
I’d gone to Willow Pool Garden to see one of the inevitable travelling bands that played there regularly. Most of my friends were there and I joined their group. Spring was surging over the land and everyhar was in high spirits. Zeph was feeling sociable too, which meant we both got a lot of attention. I noticed Zehn come in. He cast me a glance and stared at me expressionlessly for some moments – I was laughing loudly at some joke or another. Then he shook his head. He went to the bar. I stared after him for a few seconds, then forgot it. Zehn was Zehn. There was nothing I could do about it. After he’d downed a few drinks, he came to my table and sat down.
‘Where’s Arken?’ I asked him.
‘Where’s Ysobi?’ he asked back.
‘Working,’ I said. ‘So?’
Again, Zehn shook his head. He fixed me with a stare, and a feeling like cold water ran down my spine.
‘What is it?’ I asked.
‘I want to talk to you,’ he said. ‘Somehar has to.’
‘Talk, then.’
‘Not here. Outside. Leave the harling with Fahn.’
I resented these orders at once. ‘Tell me here,’ I said. By this time, a few ears were beginning to tune into our conversation. I sensed a stillness sweep over the group like a softly spreading plague.
‘You don’t want me to talk to you here, trust me,’ Zehn said.
I bristled. ‘Then maybe I don’t want to hear what you’ve got to say.’
Fahn, who had Zeph on his lap, said, ‘Is everything OK, Jass?’
Zehn continued to stare at me. ‘I need to talk to you,’ he said, in a low voice. ‘You must listen.’ He softened. ‘Please.’
I got to my feet. ‘All right.’ I turned to Fahn. ‘Would you watch Zeph for a minute?’
Fahn was frowning, perplexed. ‘Of course.’
My son held out a hand to me. He looked furious. ‘Don’t,’ he said.
I touched the ends of his reaching fingers. ‘I’ll be five minutes at most, I promise.’
Zehn and I went out front, onto the street. Hara were still strolling through the evening, making for the bar. I heard the band start playing; a roll of drums. There was a spreading communal lawn in front of us, shivering with daffodils. The air tasted green in my mouth. A rangy greyhound was nosing through the flowers, wagging his tail.
Zehn and I sat on a stone bench beneath the eaves of the bar. Zehn was silent at first, so I had to say, ‘What is it, then?’
He rubbed his hands through his hair. ‘Somehar has to tell you,’ he said.
I didn’t say the obvious. I kept quiet, although that cold water down my back was turning slowly to ice.
‘Ysobi is still seeing Gesaril,’ he said.
I kept calm. ‘Understandably. The har’s in a state and Ysobi’s his teacher.’
‘No, Jass.’ Zehn groaned. ‘You’re going to think this is just sour grapes, I know, but there are things you should know. Tibar told me. Everyhar knows.’
‘OK,’ I said slowly. ‘Explain exactly what you mean.’
‘On the nights Ysobi’s not with you, he’s with Gesaril. He does it secretly, only Tibar saw him sneaking out of the house one morning. He did a bit of detective work after that. Discovered it’s a regular thing.’
It was the secretiveness that distressed me, although I didn’t show it. I didn’t know what to say, really. I had a flashback to dropping the pearl, a twinge of pain.
‘I’m sorry, but I think you should know,’ Zehn said.
‘What makes you think I don’t?’ I said.
Zehn raised his eyebrows. ‘You can’t be serious.’
‘A chesna bond is different,’ I said. ‘I’m not selfish with him, Zehn.’
‘I don’t believe you. You’re lying. You didn’t know.’
‘Well, think what you like. I’m going back inside now.’
I stood up. I really meant to leave him sitting there, but he grabbed my arm. ‘You’re stupid,’ he said. ‘Do you think you’re the first?’
‘Let me go!’
‘No!’ Zehn grabbed my other arm. ‘You have to listen, Jass. The last time… we all liked him, really liked him, in the same way we like you. We had to watch Ysobi destroy him. Nohar intervened. Now he’s not here anymore.’
‘What are you saying?’ I asked coldly. ‘Is he dead?’
Zehn shook his head. ‘No. At least, not physically. He left Jesith.’
I sat down again. ‘What was his name?’
‘Mori… Morien.’
‘When?’
‘About two years ago.’
&nbs
p; That recently? I swallowed with difficulty. ‘I suppose you’d better tell me.’
‘It was the same,’ Zehn said. ‘It always is. Mori wasn’t the first either. I’ve not been here that long, but you get to hear things. It’s a pattern, Jass.’
‘Did this Mori have a harling with Yz?’
‘No. That’s irrelevant. Ysobi got together with Mori, and it was different in some ways. They didn’t socialise, like you do; well, not together. But Mori was smitten with him. It was the same story; the aruna training. It blew Mori’s mind away. He fell in love. And then another student came. I don’t need to tell you more. You can guess it.’
‘This is not the same, Zehn. It really isn’t.’
‘Oh, open your eyes!’ Zehn yelled. ‘Don’t you get it? All that ascetic teacher stuff is bullshit! Ysobi gets off on hara adoring him. He makes it happen. I’m sure he wants the chesna bond, when it happens, but then another needy, pretty face shows up and he can’t resist doing what he does. It’s a power trip. You have to face it and accept it.’
‘No, I don’t,’ I said. ‘You’ve told me. I’ll discuss it with him. Now I’m really going back inside.’
‘Don’t be a fool,’ Zehn said. ‘You have that harling now. Get out of the chesna state while you can. Finish it. You have friends, good friends. None of us want to see you go the same way Mori did.’
‘You’re in no position to lecture me about Ysobi’s behaviour,’ I said. ‘Everyhar knows what you are. Maybe it takes one to know one? Or rather you’re projecting your way of being onto Ysobi?’
Zehn did not get angrier, as I expected. He sighed. ‘Jass, I’m no angel, I know that. I think you also know why… maybe. But I don’t do this whole guru power thing. Never. I take aruna with hara, maybe too carelessly. I make them like me too much, I know. Perhaps I don’t want commitment, or perhaps my standards are too high… I don’t know. But I am not like him. When things go bad with my roon friends, they stick around, like Fahn. They don’t run because they can’t bear to stay here. I’ve never destroyed anyhar.’
‘Fahn might contest that,’ I said.
‘Ysobi gets off on it, Jass. There’s no getting away from it. He’s messed with Gesaril’s mind, as he messed with yours. The only difference is that you’re a stronger har. Ag knows what he’s saying to Gesaril. The har should have been sent back to the Shadowvales, you know that. Only he’s still here. If you don’t believe me…’ He shook his head again. ‘Nohar will speak to you about it, because they’re scared you’ll run, like Mori did. Although…’ He fixed me with a stare. ‘It hasn’t got that bad yet. Don’t let it, Jass, please.’
‘What was so bad? Why did Mori run?’
It wasn’t easy to listen to it. All the time, I visualised Mori having my face. It didn’t help. The trouble started because the unnamed student needed Ysobi’s full attention, or so he said to Mori. The har was damaged, fragile… It sounded all too familiar. The student was distressed by Ysobi’s chesna bond with Mori; he felt jealous and inadequate. But, instead of simply saying ‘Tough luck, I’m just your teacher. Don’t get fixated on me,’ Ysobi asked Mori if, for a while, they could keep their bond low key, not obvious. Mori said to his friends that it was as if Ysobi had asked him to pretend their relationship didn’t exist and never had. He was confused, wondering if he was at fault to mind about it. Listening to this narrative, my blood slowly froze in my veins. I swear I could feel the crystals forming. Like me, Mori had tried to be understanding and dispassionate, but it came to the point when he was seeing less and less of Ysobi, and hara were starting to look at him askance. Eventually, he confronted Ysobi. He asked why a student should make such demands, and suggested it wasn’t exactly normal. In response, Ysobi accused him of being small-minded and jealous.
‘Tell me, is that normal?’ Zehn asked. ‘Mori wasn’t jealous. He was as accommodating as you’re trying to be. He was in love, but despite that, he kept getting slapped – severely.’
‘How did it end?’
Zehn sighed. ‘It wasn’t good.’
The worst thing about the situation was that Ysobi somehow undermined Mori so much, he began to think he was in the wrong. He waited for the tiniest crumbs of approval that Ysobi would throw from the table. Even listening to it, I felt sick. There were good days, after Ysobi had been pleasant with him, when Mori would seem at one with himself again, and then there were the bad days. The student, like Gesaril, was obsessed. He took to lurking round Mori’s home and once a window was broken. Mori took to sleeping with a knife beneath his pillow because three times he woke up in the morning to find his house had been broken into and his possessions damaged. He was reluctant to tell Ysobi about this, since he thought Ysobi wouldn’t believe him, and sure enough, when it finally got too much and Mori had to speak, Ysobi accused him of trying to hurt the student deliberately, of spreading gossip and lies. Of course, Mori had talked to hara about it. Who wouldn’t?
‘It was like a slow erosion of his spirit,’ Zehn said. ‘We told him to end the chesna bond, but he wouldn’t listen to anyhar. He tortured himself about his supposed faults, questioning his own sanity, I think. It was as if he was completely under a spell. Ysobi sent him a letter, insisting it was out of concern, but listing everything Mori should and should not do in order to get along with others. It was just a list of complaints, nothing more. Mori took it all in and told hara he had a problem controlling himself. You felt like you wanted to slap him, or shake him out of it, but he was also worn so thin, it seemed cruel even to address it with him.’
‘I don’t understand,’ I interrupted. ‘Hara welcomed Yz into the social group with me. Why would they do that if he’d been so vile?’
Zehn shrugged. ‘He’s not dislikeable, Jass. And he is our highest-ranking hienama. A damn good one too. Everyhar blamed the student, said he’d fooled Ysobi. We all wanted to believe it, because to believe otherwise of a spiritual mentor kind of destroys the whole picture, doesn’t it? I think Sinnar spoke to Ysobi about it, and what little information filtered through suggested Ysobi was in a mess too. He felt Mori was too demanding, too clingy. He couldn’t deal with it. But Mori wasn’t like that. Not really. The situation just ground him down. It would have been better if Ysobi could have just finished it, since Mori lacked the strength to, but he didn’t. Sometimes, he was how he’d always been; affectionate and understanding. The next minute he was distant and harsh. You can imagine; it was slow torture for Mori. It got to the point where he felt Ysobi blamed him for everything, for existing, I guess. So one night, he simply upped and left. He disappeared, without a word to anyhar.’
‘Didn’t any of you go after him?’
Zehn nodded. ‘Sinnar sent some hara, mainly because he was afraid Mori would do something bad to himself, but they tracked him down to Two Meadows and he told them to leave him alone. He didn’t want to come back, not for anything. After that, I heard a few things about how something similar had happened a couple of times before. Ysobi doesn’t socialise because of it, apparently. He says he knows what effect some aspects of the training can have and yet… well, now there’s you. It’s as if he can only resist for so long.’
I felt as if I’d been beaten up and rubbed both hands over my face, very hard, as if to press away the unwelcome truth. ‘And yet you all let me…’ I shouldn’t have said it, but it was a thought expressed aloud. ‘You all let me.’
‘Well… despite me… most hara thought it was different this time. And maybe it is, because he’s doing it behind your back. It’s probably because of the harling.’
‘His name is Zeph,’ I said.
‘Don’t leave here,’ Zehn said.
‘I have no intention of doing so.’ A surge of pure anger poured through me. ‘You want it to go bad between Yz and me, I know you do. Forget it, Zehn. What you want: it’s never going to happen. You can tell me tales all you want. It’s the past. I won’t judge the present by other hara’s experiences. Now, will you let me go?’
He’d he
ld on to me all that time. I had pins and needles in one arm.
‘Don’t be a fool,’ Zehn said. ‘At least investigate. I’m not lying to you.’
I investigated all right. I went back into the bar and took Zeph from Fahn’s arms. Minnow dashed over to me and said, ‘What did he tell you?’
‘Nothing,’ I said. ‘I’m going now. See you later.’
‘We’re your friends,’ Minnow said.
‘Are you?’ I walked out.
Whatever Zehn had said, and however much I thought it was coloured by his own desires, Minnow’s simple words had confirmed Zehn’s information. I went straight to Sinnar’s house.
I knew my way around and snuck around the guest wing until I found the occupied room. Nohar saw me, or maybe they had seen me approach and gave me the space I needed.
Gesaril was alone. I was thankful for that, because I’m not sure what I would have done if Ysobi had been with him. The har looked dreadful, a shadow. I stood over his bed, with Zeph held against me. I stared down at him, projecting the dehara know what. He woke from a fretful sleep and saw me there. He didn’t speak.
‘Tell me,’ I said coldly, ‘what is it you want, Gesaril?’
‘Only him,’ he answered simply, rawly, as if every last shred of strength had been wrung from him. ‘I’m sorry.’
Was he?
‘You can kill me,’ he said. ‘I can’t put up a fight.’
‘You should go home.’
‘He won’t let me.’ Gesaril stared at Zeph, and I saw then he was not the har he’d been when he’d first arrived. All that flirty madness of youth had gone. He was hollow, as a dead tree is hollow.
Zeph was very still against me, although I could hear him breathing. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought him to this place. ‘You want to go home, Gesaril?’ I asked. My lips were numb, but somehow I could speak.
Gesaril stared at me with dull eyes. ‘I don’t know. I don’t know anything.’