He takes Alexa while I run down to my room and hastily throw together a bag.
There’s an Alaska-sized lump in my throat when I return to the kitchen. Murphy’s entertaining Alexa by playing drums on the table with his hands and a utensil or two. He’s got her propped up in his lap showing her how to make different sounds with her fingers and hands. She can’t quite grasp the fork he’s using and ends up slapping it away. The fork spins across the table and she laughs.
Her first laugh.
Alexa’s been cooing, gurgling, sighing, and making a variety of noises for weeks. This is her first laugh, well more of a sweet baby-chortle.
“Oh my God.”
Murphy’s head snaps up. “What? We’re just playing drums.” He seems worried that I think he did something wrong.
“That’s her first laugh.”
“Oh yeah?” He leans over and kisses her cheek. “You like drums, baby?”
She makes another giggling sound—she really seems to like hearing her own voice and seeing his reactions.
It makes me feel like a failure. I realize how miserable I am in Alaska. I haven’t done a lot of fun, silly playing with her, something the doctor and the social worker in the hospital stressed was important for babies.
“Ready to go?” he asks, picking her up and grabbing my bag out of my hands.
I follow along over to the clubhouse. He’s still got her car seat in the back of his truck. “You can move that over to my car if you don’t want it in here,” I offer. His brow wrinkles, but he doesn’t say anything as he stands back to let me strap her in.
When I’m finished, I turn and face him. “You can’t go driving around with a car seat, you’ll scare the ladies away.”
His face darkens. “Get in the truck,” he says, his harsh tone leaves my mouth hanging open. I think I hurt his feelings. He jumps in the truck and slams the door.
“I was just kidding around,” I mumble as I climb in and click my seatbelt.
We’re quiet as we bounce down the driveway. Well, we’re quiet. Alexa fusses a lot. I dig through my never-ending bag of baby stuff looking for her favorite squeaky polar bear.
“Shit.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I have this special polar bear I let her play with when we’re in the car. It seems to soothe her usually. But I think I left it home.”
“I can turn around.”
“No. Alaska home.”
“Oh.” He fiddles with the radio, finally finding something Alexa seems to like.
“Classic country? Really?” I tease.
His shoulders lift. “What? You liked it when you were a baby.”
“I did not.”
He lets out a gruff sound—somewhere between a grunt and a laugh. “Yeah. You did. The twangier, the better.”
“Bullshit.”
He laughs at me some more. “So, how do you like Alaska?”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to blurt it all out. How much I hate it there. I can’t, though. It feels too much like talking about my husband behind his back—like criticizing the place Axel chose for us to live—to Murphy. I choke the words down. “It’s okay. It’s mostly cold and dark right now, but the locals assure me summer is pretty. Plus, it will be light almost twenty-four freaking hours a day.”
“Fun,” he says dryly.
“One of our neighbors says she grows these freakishly large cantaloupes and cabbages because of all the summer sun.”
“Yum. You gonna be a farmer now?”
“No. I think she’s just hoping I’ll help her out. And she likes seeing Alexa.”
“So you’re making friends?”
“If you count the eighty-year-old lady across the hall, sure.”
“I thought Penny was up there, too?”
“She is.” I don’t mention how Penny’s free time consists of meeting guys on hook-up sites and bringing them back to her apartment when Lucas is out of town. I don’t want Murphy thinking I’d ever do anything like that or that I condone her behavior.
We don’t have a lot to say after that. Or maybe there’s too much to say. Murphy and I have never run out of things to talk about before. But I can’t come up with anything that isn’t a conversational minefield.
Luckily, we arrive at the hospital.
Marcel doesn’t look any better. Not that I expected him to in twelve hours. Murphy picks up a magazine and drops into a chair in the corner. I have the feeling he knows that chair intimately. “You stay here last night?” I ask.
“Yeah, as long as I kept out of their way, the nurses said they wouldn’t kick me out.”
“Gave them a dose of ginger charm, did ya?”
His face screws into a scowl. “Despite what you seem to think, my life doesn’t revolve around nailing every woman I meet.”
“Since when?”
He stands and tosses the magazine down on the chair. “I’m going down to the waiting room to talk to Bricks. Stay here with him?” Once again I said the wrong thing, because I don’t know how to act around Murphy anymore. Our friendship seems easy one minute. Forced and strained the next.
“Blake,” I whisper, reaching out to grab him as he walks past me. “I’m sorry. I was only kidding. I’m so tired, I guess it came out mean.”
He nods, but I don’t think he’s completely forgiven me. We’ve never been this awkward around each other, but I don’t know who we are to each other anymore.
Alexa and I take over Murphy’s chair, but I pull it closer to my brother, taking his hand and talking to him.
“Alexa laughed for the first time today. Blake made her do it. Figures, right?”
Nothing.
“Alaska sucks, by the way. You were right. I hate it up there.”
Still nothing.
Sighing, I sit back in the chair. Alexa settles against my chest and we snooze together.
I’m woken up a few hours later by the doctor checking on Marcel. “Good morning, Mrs. Ryan.”
I sit up and frantically swipe my messy hair out of my face. Alexa helps by yanking on it. “How is he?”
“The imaging looks encouraging. Nothing broken. There is a significant amount of swelling. I’m sending a neurologist up to do an examination. He’ll be able to better diagnose the severity and predict your brother’s road to recovery.”
“Will he be able to walk?”
“It’s still too soon to tell. But he’s a healthy young man in good shape. That will make rehabilitation easier.”
“Okay.”
I’m left already trying to figure out how much longer I’ll be able to stay and help my brother.
Lost on the wrong road
It’s been three long weeks. Visiting my brother. Spending time with the club. Despite the horrible circumstances that brought me home, I’m happier here than I’ve been in months.
“Are you all packed, honey?” Hope asks from outside my door.
I let out a deep sigh and sweep my gaze over the room one last time.
I don’t want to leave.
Axel has already called several times to make sure I’m coming home for his week off.
“I think so. I hate leaving my brother.”
The misery in my voice must be painfully obvious, because Hope rushes forward and wraps me up in a hug. “Teller’s doing so much better. You’ll be back to visit soon, sweetie.”
That’s when I lose it. Hard sobs burst out of me and I cling even tighter to Hope. “I don’t want to go.” I cry even harder. “I hate it up there. I hate it so much.”
“Oh, honey.”
Distressed from my wailing, Alexa adds her baby screams to the mix.
“Everything okay?” Rock’s low, gentle voice asks. “Hey, what’s the matter, Heidi-girl?” A strong, comforting hand slides over my back—Rock—and I cry even harder.
Hope must give him some signal, because his hand disappears and I hear him cooing at Alexa. Her cries fade, and I realize he carried her out to the living room. “I’m sorr
y.” I pull back and sniffle.
Hope reaches over and grabs a bunch of tissues, pressing them into my hands. “Sit down. Let’s talk for a minute.”
“We need to go. I have to see Marcel before we go to the airport.”
“We have time. Talk to me. Why do you hate it?”
“If I tell you, you can’t tell my brother. Or Murphy. Please? Not now. It will just make my brother worry when he needs to focus on getting better. And I can’t stand hearing an I-told-you-so from Murphy.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
Am I finally going to share my private misery with someone? The whole time I’ve been here, I’ve managed to keep it together. To smile and nod when the guys asked me how I liked Alaska. To lie to my brother about what an awesome adventure I’m having.
“It’s awful. It’s cold and dark. I’m trapped in our apartment with the baby by myself all the time. Even when Axel’s home, he doesn’t help me out. We end up fighting a lot.” I choke back the rest of my words. It feels wrong to say anything bad about my husband. Even if my confession is to Hope and even if every word is the truth.
“Heidi—”
“I love Axel. I do. But I’m so mad at him for making us move up there. Money’s tight because everything is so damn expensive. Besides Penny, there’s no one my age around. All she wants to do is go out and party. I can’t do that. Not that I want to, anyway.”
All the words, every bit of the misery I’ve been stuffing down for months, comes bursting out of my mouth.
Hope sighs and seems to struggle for words.
“What should I do, Hope?”
“Are you asking me as a friend or as a lawyer?”
Lawyer, shit. I hadn’t even thought of that.
“Both.”
“Well, as your friend, I’d tell you that you’re still young newlyweds, with a baby, and that alone is hard to handle. A move to an unfamiliar place makes it even harder. Especially if he’s gone all the time.”
“Okay. That’s the Cliffs Notes version of my miserable life. Where’s the advice part?”
She doesn’t laugh. “The advice part is you’re married now. You took vows to work through things in good times or bad.”
“I—”
“I’m not finished. You need to work on your marriage. But it takes two people to do that. Axel needs to be more involved. Whether he has to change his schedule so you’re able to spend more time together, or he needs to take a parenting class, or you two find a counselor up there.”
Huh. None of those things had occurred to me.
“Okay. Now, what’s your legal advice?”
She lets out a long sigh. “Did you get your driver’s license up there?”
“No. I didn’t see the point if we’re only staying for a year.”
“Good. Okay. So, your residence could still be considered here. New York has no-fault divorce now.” I flinch. Never did I imagine contemplating divorce at nineteen. “We’d have to show the marriage has been irretrievably broken for at least six months,” she explains, slipping into lawyer mode. “We could file for custody here. You’d have a strong case for full-custody since he’s away all the time, and she’s so little that no judge will make you send her to Alaska. He’d have to come here for visitation. You’d have to sort out custody, support, and all that other stuff before you’d be granted the divorce.”
“That all seems so ugly.”
“It is. That’s why you need to try to work things out first. Unless”—she reaches out and grabs my hand, prompting me to look her in the eye—“he hurts you or the baby.”
Just with his words and indifference. “No. Never.”
“Okay. I didn’t think so. I always liked Axel. He seemed polite and respectful. But like I said, you’ve got a lot of stress heaped on both of you and that can change anyone.”
“I think he’s still upset about having Alexa. I know he loves her, but sometimes he acts like she doesn’t exist. And I never realized how strongly he dislikes my brother. Murphy, I understand, but not Marcel.”
Her brow wrinkles at the mention of Murphy’s name, but she doesn’t ask me to explain. “Is he upset about the club?”
“I don’t know. He’s never explained why or how he left.”
She gives me a tired smile and pats my leg. “I know how much you wanted that to work out.”
“I did. But I shouldn’t have tried to force it. I thought everything would be perfect if he were part of the club. I never considered what it would mean for him. Axel’s always been very much a make it on your own kind of guy—”
“And here everyone’s in your business all the time?”
I snort. “Yeah, something like that. You didn’t grow up around a club. Did you think it was weird?”
She glances at the open door again. “It’s different, that’s for sure. But it’s a family by choice and I think that’s amazing. Plus, now that I understand how much everyone cares and supports one another, it makes complete sense. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”
Her words weren’t intended to hurt, but they do. Because I feel like I traded away the few good things in my life for the one thing I thought I needed, and I don’t know how to untangle my life from the mess it’s become.
“Everything all right?” Rock asks when we come out of the bedroom. He hands Alexa to me and grabs my suitcases, leading us to the front door.
At the door he stops and raises an eyebrow. “Heidi?”
I realize I never answered his question. After everything he’s done for me these last few weeks, I owe him the truth. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t have to go back today.” He sets my bags down and levels a stern look at me. “Take a few more days, stay here, and think things through.”
It’s a tempting offer. The thought of going home and having a serious talk with Axel turns my stomach upside down. Worse, I hate leaving my brother while he’s still in the hospital. I’m only able to do it because I know Rock, Murphy, and the rest of the club will take care of him.
Hope gently touches my shoulder. “Honey, do you want me to change your flight?”
“No, Hope. You’re right. I need to go home and talk to Axel.”
Rock nods. He reaches out, rubbing the back of his hand over my cheek. “I’m proud of you, Heidi.”
Alexa wiggles in my arms and I tip my head at her. “Really?”
He doesn’t crack a smile. “Yes. You took a hard road, but you’re handling it well.”
His words mean the world to me. They give me the extra nudge I need to face my problems.
“Hi, big brother!” Heidi shouts as she comes in the room.
Teller picks his head up and actually smiles for the first time today. The smile disappears when he remembers why she’s here. To say goodbye.
I don’t feel like smiling much, either.
Even though I’ve kept a respectful distance from Heidi, I loved having her near again. Knowing I could take a quick stroll through the woods and find her at Rock’s house. Giving her rides to the hospital. Playing with Alexa. Getting to know Heidi as an adult. When she’s not stressed out or mad at me, she’s pretty funny. She’s an amazing mother, too. Not that I ever thought otherwise, but I love spending time with the two of them.
And now she’s leaving. Again.
To go home to her husband.
The prick who never bothered to fly down here. I doubt Teller gives a fuck one way or another, and I sure as shit didn’t need to see the little fuck. But the fact that he didn’t care enough to come support his wife when she’s going through hell visiting her brother in the hospital every day? Going to a funeral for a friend who never should have died? Worrying night and day if her brother will ever walk again? The fact that he couldn’t be bothered tells me all I need to know about him. I kept my mouth shut and didn’t make Heidi feel worse about the situation, but if Axel were in front of me right now, there’s a good chance, I’d beat the arrogance right out of him.
I’ve been so
lost in my violent daydreaming, I missed most of their conversation.
“When are you coming back?” I ask.
Everyone turns and stares at me. What? Why shouldn’t I ask?
Heidi ducks her head. “I’m not sure. I’ll see what Axel’s schedule looks like.”
No one’s been able to give me a reason that makes an ounce of sense for why she needs to fly all the way home, when her husband will only be there for a week before he takes off again. She’s not working. Not going to school. She should just stay here.
I keep all of that to myself.
Teller grabs her hand and pulls her attention away from me. “I’m getting sent to a rehab facility this week. So hopefully, when you come back, I’ll be walking.”
“Oh, thank God! Why didn’t you say that first, you goof?” She playfully smacks his shoulder and bursts out laughing.
“Give me my niece. I want to hold her for a few minutes before you take her away again.”
Heidi’s mouth turns down, but she hands Alexa over. That baby girl is the only thing that kept Teller from losing his mind when he found out about Mariella. She’s the only person he’s happy to see every day.
And now Heidi’s taking her home. Teller’s putting on his big brother face today, but I wonder how this will affect him tomorrow and the next day.
“I can’t get over how big she’s gotten, Heidi,” he says as he lifts her up and down. Alexa kicks and giggles the whole time, loving it.
“Are you bench-pressing my daughter?” Heidi teases.
“My legs are fucked, but my arms are fine. Besides, she can’t weigh more than what, fifteen pounds?”
Heidi’s smile fades. “Around that, yeah. I don’t know. She has her check-up this week. I’ll let you know.”
“You better call me right after. Murphy finally dropped off my new phone this morning. You better send lots of pictures.”
“Okay.” Heidi looks like she’s about to cry, and Teller pulls her down for a one-armed hug.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I—everything. I’m going to miss you and worry about you, that’s all.”
He studies her face for a few seconds, then nods and releases her. Alexa gets a few more kisses and silly faces before he reluctantly hands her back.