next little while trying to become famous.
Every now and then they would call Joan and ask for Walter and then ask Walter if Keith’s penis had turned up. He always said no.
Then they met a man named Prescott. Prescott was balding, had a mustache, and robust, disproportionate thighs. He said he could make them famous.
They paid him quite a bit of money and he took them around to famous people’s houses and pointed and said, “There. That could be you living up there one day.”
Keith and Kevin both forgot how to shave and, after wandering around for a few days, got tired and decided to rent a motel room.
“I miss my penthouse,” Kevin said.
“We’re not going back until we find my fucking dick,” Keith said. The beard made him look sinister.
“I just...” Kevin began but fell asleep before he could finish.
One night Keith met a very attractive girl in a Los Angeles nightclub. He asked to borrow Kevin’s penis. Kevin said he could borrow it but wasn’t about to let it out of his sight. He watched Kevin have sex with the girl in the motel bed. She didn’t seem to mind. She asked to sleep over. Keith said okay but Kevin said no way and threw her out of the room.
The next morning, they decided they were bored with California and left.
They took a cab to the airport and took an airplane to Texas.
Leaving the airport, Kevin took a deep breath and said, “Texas does not make me feel so good.”
“I like it,” Keith said.
They bought a house in the suburbs.
“Now we can live together but have separate rooms,” Kevin said.
“That’s the life,” Keith said.
“The American dream.”
They bought mattresses to sleep on and lived there for a while. Kevin developed more of a drinking problem and this put a lot of strain on their relationship. One night he came home from the bar and Keith sat at the table, looking ominous with his bearded face.
“Your drinking is really out of control,” Keith said.
Kevin was drunk. He turned over the table and brandished his beard at Keith. Then Kevin vomited all over the kitchen floor.
“This is exactly what I mean.”
Keith beat Kevin severely and then felt bad about it. He asked Kevin if there was anything he could do for him and Kevin said, “Take me away from all this.”
So they went back to New York.
They went up to the penthouse but there was another man living there. It was Walter. He didn’t seem to have any of the children there with him. All of the stuff was still Kevin’s. At least, he thought it was.
“What are you doing in my penthouse?” Kevin asked Walter.
“I’m renting it now. The landlord said you hadn’t paid in a really long time.”
“Because we’ve been out looking for Keith’s penis that you stole.” Kevin looked around. “Just like you stole all of my stuff.”
“This isn’t your stuff.”
Kevin didn’t argue.
That night, Walter helped them shave. It all came back to Kevin. He thought he would be able to shave more often now.
The next day Kevin went to his job at the office and Keith went to his apartment. Kevin was drunk by the time he made it to the office and Robin told him he had been fired “quite some time ago.”
Kevin protested by making a copy of his middle finger and sliding it under his boss’s door.
Back at the penthouse, Keith told him his apartment had also been rented out to someone else.
“It’s like we don’t even exist anymore,” Keith said.
Kevin had a crying jag.
They went to Applebee’s, drank beer, and watched sports.
Halfway through the evening, Kevin announced that he was starting to feel a little more like himself.
They returned to the penthouse to find Walter dressed as Joan.
“So you really are a man,” Kevin said.
“I told you,” Keith said.
Kevin cried and Joan told him that she loved him.
Kevin said, “I love you too.”
They retired to the bedroom to have sex and Kevin said, “Joan, your penis is a real problem.”
Joan said it shouldn’t matter if they were in love.
They did things but Kevin still couldn’t get over the penis.
The next day he discussed this dilemma with Keith over beers at Applebee’s.
“I just know if I can continue having sex with Joan while she still has a penis. It’s too much like having sex with a man,” he said.
“If you love her, it doesn’t matter, bro,” Keith said.
“That’s what she keeps saying but, I don’t know.”
The waitress brought their check to them and Keith noticed she’d written her phone number on it. He waited until she came back before he said, “I’d love to give you a call sometime but I don’t know if much can really happen. I don’t have a dick.” He stood up and took down his pants. Since losing his penis, he’d stopped shaving his pubic hair and the sight was alarming.
Kevin thought Keith must be a lot drunker than he thought.
The waitress said she was sorry to hear that and left. She didn’t come back.
That night Keith took a cab to a really bad part of town. He didn’t get back until after midnight. Kevin was sleeping on the couch. Keith usually slept on the couch. Keith began beating Kevin. Joan came out of the bedroom wearing a gauzy nightgown and told them to knock it off.
Joan went to bed and Kevin and Keith stayed up very late playing video games.
That morning, Kevin woke up to Keith trying to pull Joan’s dick off. He had to grab Keith roughly on the shoulder and remind him that not everyone’s penis did that. Joan was appalled.
Later they sat around the breakfast table drinking coffee and talking about it.
“I was just appalled,” Joan said. She had her wig and make-up on and looked less like a man than she normally did.
Keith said, “I just feel so dislocated without my dick.”
Kevin said, “I was thinking about going to a department store and buying some new khaki pants. It’s been a while.” He smiled.
Joan said, “To wake up with someone trying to rip your dick off... It’s just appalling.”
Kevin said, “But you used to play that game...” He placed a hand over Joan’s. “What was it called? Get your dick? Something like that.”
“Well...” Joan looked at the table and shook her head. “It’s not something I want, my dick. If I could take it off and give it to you, I certainly would.”
“I wish I had two penises,” Kevin said. “One in the normal place and then another on my lower back, almost like a tail.”
Joan took a sip of coffee.
Later they went to the doctor’s office to ask about a penis transplant and then they went to the store to buy pants. Kevin bought pleated khaki pants. Keith bought khaki pants without pleats. Joan bought black denim skinny jeans.
Then they went to Applebee’s.
Joan opened an envelope and said, “Turns out I won’t be able to stay here much longer.”
Kevin was surprised by this and said, “What? Why?”
“I’m being deported.”
“What?”
“Yeah.” She tossed him the letter. “Says they’re going to come and get me within a week or two.”
Kevin asked Joan to marry him and she said yes. “Now you’ll be here forever,” he said.
Keith wasn’t around.
They had a very large wedding and everyone came. They had it in the penthouse.
Afterward, before Kevin and Joan left on their honeymoon, Keith and Kevin had a heart to heart talk on the balcony.
“I wish the best for you, man,” Keith said.
“Thanks,” Kevin said.
Keith laughed and said, “Sure is funny that you’re the one that got me into this whole mess and now you’re in a marriage that has one too many dicks.”
“Ironic.”
r /> “Or something.”
“So what now?”
“I think I need to go. You and Joan are newlyweds. You’re going to want the place to yourself. You don’t need me hanging around. Plus you make me really mad and I beat you up periodically but I’m pretty sure Joan could hurt me so I’m a little afraid of doing that.”
“And?”
“And, what I’m trying to say is, I’m leaving.” Keith looked wistfully out at the night. “My dick is still somewhere out there, I’m sure of it, and I need to go find it.”
“Stick around till tomorrow. We’ll go to Applebee’s one last time.”
“One last time.”
“Best of luck.”
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