“I'm not saying you have to let it go and be all sweet to her,” Mindy continued. “But I think you should at least talk to her. Let her tell you her side of things and if she truly did have your best intentions at heart, at least make an effort to understand where she was coming from .”
I frowned but didn't say anything .
“I need to get back to my classroom,” she said. “But if you need to talk some more, you know where to find me .”
I nodded but knew I'd never take her up on her offer. A part of me was annoyed that she was trying to play peacemaker, but I could understand why. She and I worked together, so we had that, but she and Adelle had a lot in common too. If Adelle and I were fighting, Mindy would be caught in the middle. No matter how angry I was at Adelle, I wasn't going to force Mindy to choose .
Unfortunately, that meant I was probably going to have to see if I could at least be civil to Adelle. I glanced at the clock. The students would be arriving soon, so I couldn't do anything about it now. I'd call Adelle at lunch and see if we could salvage things between us. After more than twenty years of friendship, it was the least I could do .
I managed to focus enough on my morning classes that my students didn't notice anything was wrong. Then it was lunchtime and I knew I had to follow through with my decision to call Adelle .
She answered before the first ring had even completed. “Bree, oh, I'm so glad you called!” For the first time I could remember, there was a note of almost panic to her voice that competed with the hint of hope and relief. “I didn't think I'd get a chance to talk to you before Friday .”
Friday. Shit. I hadn’t even allowed myself to think about our Friday night dinners, or how much I would miss them. I closed my eyes. I didn't even want to think about having to be in the same building as her, much less at the same table .
Adelle kept talking, as if she was afraid I wouldn't let her get the whole story out if she paused even for a moment. “I know you're angry with me and you have every right to be. It was wrong of me to lie to you and trick you into thinking I was setting you up on a blind date. But I thought… no, I knew you and Cade would hit it off and it seemed like the only way I could get you guys to meet .”
“You didn't think we'd hit it off,” I interrupted. “You thought I needed to get laid and I'd think he was hot .”
There was a moment of awkward silence. “I thought you two would really like each other .”
“If you thought that, why didn't you ask him to go on a date with me? A real date. You know… boy meets girl; boy pays for dinner; boy and girl eat and decide if they like each other. Not boy gets paid to fuck girl because girl is too pitiful to get laid on her own.” I struggled to keep my voice down, all too aware that there could be students outside my door .
“Bree–”
I cut her off. “Look, Adelle, I know you thought you were doing something nice for me, but you should know me well enough to know I wouldn't...” I sighed. “It's going to take some time for me to get past this .”
“But you will, right?” Adelle actually sounded worried. “We're going to be okay ?”
I honestly didn't know, but I couldn't tell her that, so I just ignored the questions. “I'll see you on Friday at L20.” I hung up before she could try to say anything else .
By Friday, I still wasn't sure if my friendship would ever be the same between Adelle and me again, but I was determined to at least try. I'd lost the small hope I'd had for renewing my faith in love when I found my mystery man. I didn't want to lose my best friend too. And despite what had happened, Adelle and I had been through a lot together. If there was any chance we could mend this, I had to try .
For the first few minutes, things were tense, but as Mindy steered the conversation to safe topics that got us laughing and reminiscing, I found myself relaxing. If neither one of us talked about it again, maybe we could pretend nothing had happened .
“Can I get you ladies refills?” Our handsome waiter smiled at us as he reached for our empty glasses .
We all nodded despite having already reached our usual three drink limit. Well, three for Adelle and Mindy. Two for me. Three probably wasn't a good idea after the last time I'd had too much to drink, but I needed to take the edge off. Mindy would make sure I got home safely .
Of course, that made me think about how I'd gotten home before and all of my good humor vanished. What would it have been like if I hadn't been so drunk the first time we'd met? Would I still have slept with Cade after our date if I hadn't had that prior connection to him? What if I had asked him to come upstairs that first night? Would he have refused, citing my inebriated state, but really refused because I couldn't afford him? Or would he have taken me to bed, made love to me ...
I closed my eyes and pushed the thoughts out of my head. Cade had made it perfectly clear that he didn't believe in emotional connections or love. Sex was a purely physical act. Granted, it was one he was extremely good at, but there wasn't anything real there. The only way things would've turned out good would've been if I'd never agreed to let Mindy or Adelle set me up with anyone .
“The waiter's checking you out.” Mindy's voice cut into my thoughts .
I opened my eyes and looked over at her. “What ?”
“The waiter,” Adelle said. “He's been looking at you all night .”
I frowned at her. Hadn't she learned her lesson? “He's probably still in high school .”
Adelle rolled her eyes, a familiar gesture that once would've gotten an affectionate 'f- you' response from me. Now, it just annoying. It was her blatant disregard of my thoughts and feelings on things that had gotten us to this place .
“He's serving us alcohol,” Adelle pointed out. “That means he has to be at least twenty-one .”
“And?” I raised an eyebrow and took another drink. At this rate, I was going to end up with another bitch of a headache .
“And you should totally ask him out .”
“Adelle,” Mindy spoke softly as she threw me a glance .
“I learned my lesson,” Adelle said. “I won't talk to him for you or try to give him your number. I just think you should find out if he wants to go out with you .”
“I'm not interested in a relationship right now, Adelle,” I said. “Or a fuck and run if that’s going to be your next suggestion .”
“I'm not saying you should move in together,” she persisted. “Just go out for coffee, see where things go.” She jerked her chin behind me. “He's cute .”
I glanced over my shoulder as the waiter walked by. She was right. He was one of those gorgeous golden boys who looked like he'd be home on a California beach. “That's not the point,” I said .
“It is so the point,” she replied. “Ask him for coffee and then take him for a ride .”
She was doing it again, pushing for me to do what she thought I needed to do and not listening when I gave my opinion. I didn't want to be here anymore. I raised my hand as the waiter walked by, signaling for him to come over .
“We're ready for our check,” I said as he approached. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Adelle open her mouth. I didn't know if she was going to protest me ending our night or if she was going interfere with my love life... again, but I didn't want to hear it. Words popped out of my mouth before I realized I was going to say them. “You have pretty eyes .”
Oh shit. Had I really just said that? I didn't even know what the hell color his eyes were? Was that the best line I could think of? It sounded like the kind of cheesy pick-up line men like Steven Danforth used on drunk sorority girls to get them into bed .
“Thank you, Miss Gamble.” The waiter smiled, but the expression on his face made it clear he was uncomfortable. “My boyfriend said you were a nice teacher .”
“Excuse me ?”
The waiter shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “My boyfriend. Kyle Jamison. You had him last year for senior English. He was behind a year because of some health problems and you helped him get caugh
t up so he didn't end up getting behind again. He's at Stanford now .”
Right. I remembered the young man. He'd been nineteen and desperate to prove he wasn't stupid. A sweet boy .
I forced a smile. “I'm glad to hear he's doing well. Tell him I said hello, would you ?”
“Of course, ma'am.” He glanced at Adelle and Mindy. “I'll be right back with the check .”
I waited until he walked away, purposefully not looking at either of my friends. When he was out of sight, I stood. I felt a bit wobbly, but nothing I couldn't handle. “I think I'll be calling it a night .”
“Wait, Bree–” Adelle began .
“No,” I snapped. “I don't want to hear it .”
“We just want you to be happy,” Mindy interjected .
My mouth flattened into a line. “Right now, a long hot bath and a good night's sleep are what will make me happy.” I didn't wait for either of them to try to make more excuses. I didn't run, but I walked as fast as a graceful exit would allow .
The cool autumn air felt nice against my overheated skin and cleared my mind. I wasn't as drunk as I'd feared and I didn't hail a cab right away. A walk sounded like just what I needed. I was too far from home to walk the entire way, but the direction I had to go was well-lit and still very public at this hour. The physical exertion would be good for me, help me burn off the anger starting to bubble up inside .
Nothing had changed. Adelle and Mindy both still thought it was their responsibility to 'help' me, but neither of them seemed to think that help meant supporting the decisions I made. I wasn't sure why it had taken me this long to realize my friends pitied me, but recent events had made it perfectly clear .
I could see now, as I looked back over the years, how they'd felt that way even before Ronald left me. They'd pitied how I'd only been with one man, as if my decision not to sleep with as many men as possible somehow meant I was broken and needed to be fixed. Maybe not that extreme, but they seem to think I couldn't manage on my own and I needed their help. When the hell did fucking equal being okay ?
I scowled. I was tired of this. Tired of people thinking I was weak or couldn't do things on my own. I was tired of everyone acting like I needed to be coddled. The problem was, I wasn't sure I could do this on my own. I didn't want them to treat me like I didn't know what I was doing, but when it came to my personal life, I really didn't know. Tonight had been absolute proof .
I needed help, but I didn't want to get it from Adelle or Mindy. No, I needed it from someone who didn't have a personal stake in it. In me .
And I happened to know just the person .
Five
I kept telling myself that I'd made the right decision, that this was the best way to get what I wanted. It still didn't keep my palms from sweating or my heart from racing as I walked toward the little café where I'd arranged to meet Cade. The little voice in the back of my head that had been telling me for years how a good girl was supposed to behave had been yelling at me since I'd called him last night and it wasn't getting any quieter .
I paused at the café door and asked myself one last time if I was sure this is what I wanted to do. If I did this, there would be no going back. I would have to own this decision, and since Cade's proposal had included Adelle paying for his services, it meant admitting to my friends what I'd done. There was no way I could afford him on my own, not on my budget, and I wasn't about to go to someone on the street. And as much as it pained me to admit it, I was attracted to Cade, and our night together left me certain I would physically enjoy the experience .
“It's time to take charge,” I whispered to myself. “I'm a grown woman and this is a business transaction .”
My little pep talk didn't ease my nerves, but it did at least quieten that voice and allow me to think .
I stepped inside and scanned the room. I was early, but Cade was earlier. I spotted him sitting at a table next to one of the massive glass windows. He nodded in greeting but didn't come to me. That was fine. I didn't want anyone mistaking this for a date. And by anyone, I meant me. I went to the counter and ordered coffee, but decided to forgo my usual caffeine and asked for decaf. I didn't need anything to make me more jittery. I didn't even actually want the coffee, but I'd feel better if I had something to keep my hands around and sip from to help stop me from fidgeting. I needed to appear in control. I was the one who'd initiated contact, the one who was calling the shots .
I slipped into the seat across from Cade, my best professional expression on my face. I met his gaze but couldn't read anything. His face was casually blank, not in an expressionless way, but rather like someone who was mildly interested in whatever was going on around him .
“You said you wanted to discuss my offer?” He broke the silence and I was grateful for that. I hadn't been sure how to best approach the subject, and it wasn't like either of us wanted to make small talk .
“I do,” I said. Heat rose in my cheeks, but I refused to look down. “I'd like to take you up on it .”
If he was surprised by my decision, he didn't show it. He did, however, ask, “What prompted the change of heart ?”
“I'm tired of my friends acting like I'm some charity case when it comes to men,” I said. “And I'm sick of attracting men like my ex .”
Cade nodded and took a sip of his drink. “So what is it, specifically, you want out of this ?”
I frowned, confused. Wasn’t he the one who was supposed to tell me that? “Whatever it is you think I need .”
For a moment, I could've sworn I saw something like desire flash across his eyes, but I dismissed it as a trick of light. I wasn't going to do that, read into little nuances and try to convince myself that I was different, special .
“All right,” he said, his voice neutral .
“Everything having to do with payment goes through Adelle,” I continued with the next point on the list I'd written down this morning. “Whatever you charge, extra expense, anything like that, you deal with her. I don't care how and when she pays you. It's between the two of you. I never want to hear about it. Ever.” I couldn't stop myself from adding, “Considering you've dealt with her before with this kind of transaction; I figured you two already have an understanding .”
“Makes sense,” he agreed. He leaned back in his chair, the tight t-shirt he was wearing hugging his muscles .
I could see it now, how his every move was designed to draw attention to his body. Despite myself, a stab of arousal went through me. That was good, I supposed. I wouldn't want to get into this with someone whose touch I couldn't stand .
“Since I'm not discussing money with you,” he said. “I suppose we should start on the other terms .”
“Other terms?” I was confused, but curious .
One corner of his mouth quirked up in amusement. “Trust me, there's plenty we need to talk about before we get started .”
I blinked. I hadn't expected this. I'd thought I'd come in, tell him to deal with Adelle for his payments, we'd set up a time to begin, and that would be it. I hadn't thought we’d need to have some lengthy conversation .
“First, there's one rule I have for clients who hire me for more than one session. No matter what verbal contract we've agreed to, this will end if you become emotionally attached .”
“Good,” I retorted. “And I expect the same if you become 'emotionally attached to me.' The last thing I need is you following me around like a lost little puppy .”
A look of surprise crossed his face and I caught a flash of amusement in his eyes. Both were smoothed away in seconds, hidden behind his mask. “Since we've agreed on that, I need to know your sexual history,” he said it so matter-of-factly it took me a minute to process it .
“Why?” I asked. “What does it matter? You know I'm not a virgin .”
He ran his hand through his curls and I wondered if it was a nervous habit or a planned gesture. “During a normal session, part of the process of the night would be to learn what the client wants. I'm usually q
uite skilled at discerning needs. But, for what you're asking, it's different.” He shifted in his seat and leaned his elbows on the table, clasping his hands in front of him. “You feel like there's something wrong with you .”
I opened my mouth to protest, then snapped it shut again. He was right. This was why I'd come to him in the first place .
“I need to know what that something is,” he continued. “Both what you think and the reality .”
I mimicked his position, trying not to think about how close our hands were. “What do you want to know ?”
“You said you’ve only had sex with one man other than me .”
I nodded .
“How long had you and your ex been together ?”
“Seven years,” I answered automatically. “We started dating my freshman year of college .”
“When did you begin sleeping together ?”
This wasn't too bad, I thought. It wasn't like my choices were anything to be ashamed of. “My sophomore year .”
“So you were, what, nineteen when you lost your virginity?” Cade gave me a searching look. “And you're in your mid-twenties now ?”
I nodded again. “Twenty-five .”
“So in those six years, you never had sex with anyone else ?”
“No. I never cheated .”
“What about threesomes? Or your ex watching you with someone else ?”
For a moment, I thought he was joking, but then I realized he was serious. “Um, no. None of that .”
“So you've never been with a woman either, right ?”
Heat rose in my cheeks. “Adelle and I got drunk at a party in college and kissed, but I don't remember it. Does that count ?”
Cade's lips twitched and I got the impression he was trying not to laugh. “No. Sorry .”
I sat back in my seat and put my hands on my lap. “Is that it? You know my whole history now. One guy, period .”
“We're not even close to done,” Cade said. “I need to know what you've done so I can get an idea of your boundaries .”
“What I've done?” I felt like an idiot even as I asked it .