“How did she die?” My voice cracked under the weight of the question and Kaden blew out a hard breath before glancing my way. He readjusted his grip on the steering wheel causing his knuckles to turn white.
“You can’t just ask that.”
“Why not?”
“Because you can’t.”
“You said you loved her.”
“I did.”
“You don’t love her anymore?”
He sighed, rolling his eyes. “I meant I did say I loved her. I still do.” He was growing increasingly irritated but I was inquisitive by nature. My mouth ran like a duck’s ass my mom used to say. I never knew when to just shut up. But I was taught that if you didn’t ask questions, you’d never learn anything new.
“But you don’t like to talk about her?”
He looked at me again, his eyebrows pulled together as if my question confused him.
“It might make you feel better,” I added.
“You don’t have any idea how I feel.”
“Fair enough.” I fidgeted in my seat as the car accelerated down the desolate road.
“It’s not that easy, you know,” he continued but it seemed more like he was talking to himself. “Sometimes I get so pissed like she just gave up and there was nothing I could say to change her mind.”
I looked him over as the street lights flickered by allowing me to catch glimpses of his inner turmoil; as his face was illuminated.
“Did she kill herself?”
“No.”
“Oh.” I wrung my hands together, nervous that he may get angry again and shut me out. “Well, you said she gave up. I just assumed.”
“She didn’t kill herself,” he sneered. “Not really.” He ran his hand roughly through his dark hair in frustration. “She just gave up. On life. On us. On me, okay?”
“Maybe she was tired of fighting.”
His eyes met mine and he glared. “Oh, I get it. You think I’m some sort of asshole. I must have treated her like shit or something. I wasn’t always like this,” he growled.
I shrugged but it wasn’t what I’d meant at all. “No. I just meant that sometimes people get tired of the hurting. Fighting to live. Maybe accepting whatever her fate was had given her peace.”
He nodded, chewing at the inside of his cheek as if physically stopping some vile retort from escaping. Maybe he knew I was right. Maybe he wasn’t used to thinking about it that way at all. People were selfish and it might have been easier to think he was abandoned instead of her letting go to save them both more pain.
“Yeah, well, I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”
“What does that mean?” I tried not to sound offended. I knew he was working through his grief but it still stung. I’d read hundreds of tragic love stories. I knew it wasn’t the same thing but I understood. I knew what it was like to hurt.
“We come from two very different places.”
“Yeah, you keep saying that but last I checked we were neighbors.”
“In two very different worlds.” He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. His hand went to the knob on the radio and he turned up the volume to end our conversation.
With an aggravated groan, I reached forward and turned it all of the way down.
“Do you have something against good music?”
“I’d much rather talk and I would hardly call that music.” Smoothing out my dress over my knees I waited for him to continue our conversation.
“Taylor had a big heart.”
“I’m sure she was amazing.”
“No,” he shook his head. “I mean yes she was amazing.” He cleared his throat as his fingers drummed nervously against the steering wheel. “She had a cardiomegaly… an enlarged heart. It was caused by an abnormal rhythm. And too many other things to list.”
“God…”
“God didn’t deem Taylor worthy of his divine intervention,” he said with a sneer. “Why does it even matter how she died?”
“It doesn’t matter how she died. It matters how she lived.”
He rolled his neck from side to side as the fingers of his right hand drummed nervously against his thigh before he placed it back on the steering wheel.
“She lived every day like it was her last because she never knew if it was.” His voice was quieter now, softer as he thought of a happy memory. The hard exterior he hid behind began to crumble allowing me a glimpse of the person he used to be before the childhood notion that everything would work out for the best had been shattered.
“I envy her.”
“Don’t say that,” he snapped, the car swerving slightly to the right as he looked in my direction.
“What does it feel like?”
“How should I know?”
“She wasn’t the only one preparing for the end. You went through it all too.”
“Like… it was like pure honesty. Everything you feel is so much more intense. There are no games when someone you love is dying because… no one wins in the end.”
“But don’t you regret not having that carefree kind of fun teenage love?”
“This isn’t an after school special and I don’t regret a single moment I spent with her.” His eyes narrowed but his tone was still softer. “I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”
“Why do you keep saying that? Why wouldn’t I understand?”
“This is probably the first time you’ve even left your house,” he laughed and I folded my arms over my chest, hating that he was taking to insults again to keep from letting me in.
“Just because I haven’t gone through something doesn’t mean I can’t understand it. I’m not a little kid.”
“Lila, don’t take this the wrong way but you really are a little kid. You have no idea what the real world is like.”
“Then show me.”
His eyes met mine as he thought over my words. His tongue ran out over his lips causing them to glisten in the dull light fading in from outside. “Your parents would kill me.”
“You aren’t scared of my parents,” I laughed trying to hide my own fear. “You wouldn’t have lied about where we are going if you were.”
“That’s different.”
“Why? Because you know you will have to face tomorrow? Face the consequences? You are a lot of things but I didn’t think you’d turn out to be a coward.”
His eyes went to his rearview mirror before the went back to the road ahead. I could see the hint of a smile on his lips.
“You’re just messing with me.” He dismissed our conversation but there was a new lightness in the air, an excitement that was palpable.
“I guess you’ll never know.”
We didn’t speak for the rest of the ride. It felt good to know I was the reason he was smiling and I was dying to know if there was a dimple on his other cheek to match the one I could see. This night couldn’t end until I had crossed that challenge off my bucket list.
My elation quickly faded when we pulled off the main highway down a dirt road. There was an old farmhouse at the end of the lane that was lit up but no other buildings in sight. My stomach began to churn as I went over every excuse I could think of to get Kaden to turn the car back around and take me home. He promised he would and all I would have to do is say the words, but I remained silent, determined to prove that I could hang out with him and not run home crying. Even when the engine cut off and the only sound I could hear was my own neurotic conscience screaming at me that this was a bad idea, I forced a smile.
“You ready to go have some fun?” Kaden reached over and clicked my seatbelt, unlatching it.
I nodded even though it was nearly pitch-black in the car and I knew he couldn’t see me. “I wasn’t invited.”
He had laughed before his heavy palm fell over the back of my hand causing me to jump at the sudden contact. “I invited you. Besides, I thought you wanted to live a little. This is your chance.” With that he pushed open his door causing the interior light to turn on and nothing but a lingering t
ingle from where his flesh had touched mine. I squinted my eyes at the harsh assault of light before opening my own door and placing one foot onto the gravel outside. I pulled myself out of the car and steadied myself as my eyes danced over the house. There was a thumping in the night air from the music blaring inside that rivaled the drumming of my heart against my chest.
Kaden joined me on my side of the car and put a cigarette between his lips before lighting it and taking a long drag.
“You’re a smoker?”
“We all have to die of something, don’t we?”
I shrugged as a cloud of smoke left his lips.
“So what is it? What’s your poison?”
“What do you mean?” I took a few hesitant steps to stand in front of him.
“You want to live like you’re dying. Let’s hear it. What will finally do you in? Car accident? Bank heist gone wrong?” He laughed as he thought of more tacky movie plots to list off. We began to slowly walk toward the front door of the building and I felt like I may pass out from nerves alone.
“Um… I dunno. I never really thought about it. I guess I hope to die old and in bed next to-”
“Well, I know I’m going to die from boredom. Thanks for that,” He laughed to himself as he took another drag from his cigarette causing the end to glow red and light his face. “You can’t live like you’re dying if you don’t plan to do it for another eighty years. Come on. This was your idea.”
“Fine. Let me think about it,” I huffed as we walked toward the large wrap-around porch, stopping just before we ascended the stairs. “How are you going to die?”
“Easy. Broken heart.”
“That’s not a real thing.”
“Oh, yes it is. It’s a preexisting condition.” He placed his hand on his chest and for a second, I could see the honesty in his eyes, but in a flash it had disappeared. I knew I’d have to play along to catch another glimpse at the real him.
“Hmm…” I eyed him as he flicked the ashes from his cigarette to the steps below. “Is there a cure?”
His eyes trailed down my body and I felt myself stiffen under his scrutiny. Was he checking me out? “I guess we’ll see.” He held out his hand and I looked down at it before searching his eyes.
“You can’t pretend to be my date to this thing if you’re scared to touch me.”
“I’m not scared,” I snapped, placing my hand in his and tried to keep it from shaking. I was petrified. We trudged up the steps and stopped just as the front screen door pushed open. A teenager I didn’t recognize bent over and heaved his stomach contents a few inches from our feet. I jumped, screaming in disgust as my back collided with something hard and I nearly fell over when I realized it was Kaden’s chest. His hands circled around my waist preventing me from leaping right back to where I was and into the vomit.
“Calm down,” he whispered sending a chill snaking down my spine. I’d never liked anything about smokers but the thick smell mixed with his minty cologne made me light headed. With what seemed like no effort at all, he lifted me from the ground and placed me down on the inside of the doorway. My body swayed as he let me go and I felt like I’d already drank a case of beer. Not that I knew what it felt like to be drunk because the most alcohol I’d ever had was a glass of champagne at my cousin’s wedding.
“I’m starting to feel like this was a bad idea,” I groaned as Kaden dropped his cigarette butt into a nearly empty beer bottle. His palm slid against mine and he held my hand tightly as he pulled me into the living room that was full of teenagers.
“You think it feels like a bad idea now, just wait. It’s still early and these parties never end well.”
“Is that supposed to be reassuring?” I called out over the music that sounded like a bunch of cats trapped in a glass cupboard.
His hand left mine as he pulled open the fridge and grabbed two bottles, popping off the tops and holding one out to me.
“I’m not supposed to take drinks from strangers.” I wrapped my hand around the long neck of the bottle that was already covered in condensation from the thick night air.
“Stranger? That hurts. We’ve known each other for like an hour unless you want to count the weeks of you spying on me out of your bedroom window.”
“I don’t… I wasn’t…”
“Lila, it’s fine. If I were a chick, I wouldn’t be able to help myself either. I’m a catch.” His eyebrow rose as he tilted the bottle to his lips and took a long drink.
“Oh please.” I lifted my own bottle to my lips and drank feeling like I was suddenly parched. I could feel him eying me approvingly as I struggled to blend in with the other teenagers.
“Have you figured out your fictional death yet?”
“I’m pretty sure I’m going to die of embarrassment.”
NINE
KADEN
August 6,2015
I swallowed the contents of my bottle as I watched Lila struggle to choke down a sip. I knew this wasn’t her scene but I was thankful she was at least trying. She was a complete mystery to me and her naivety intrigued me. Guilt panged in my gut when I thought about how I’d used her just to get out for the night. I’d have to make it up to her and hopefully, make sure she enjoyed herself.
I knew my frustration with her was nothing more than jealousy. She had it easy, or at least, it looked that way from the outside. Part of me wished I had been raised inside of a protective bubble like her, but I knew being oblivious to the pains of the world didn’t make them disappear.
I wanted to get back that feeling of being alive, even if only for one night. Maybe I would change the way Lila sees the world, or maybe she would change my perception. Either way, something had to give.
My eyes traveled over the sea of bodies and landed on Shy. Her face lit up when our eyes met and I took note that her meathead of a boyfriend was nowhere in sight. I’d been so wrapped up in the walking game of twenty questions that was Lila, that I’d completely forgotten she’d be here.
“You know Shy from that shitty diner down the road?” I asked and Lila’s brow furrowed.
“Shy? Yeah, of course, I know her. How do you-” Her words were cut off as Shy stepped between us.
“I didn’t think you’d come,” she whispered as she pressed her palm against my chest, her tongue running out over her upper lip. She was forward, even for her. The smell of cinnamon wafting off her let me know it was because she’d had more than a few shots. It smelled like she’d practically bathed in it.
I took a small step backward and cleared my throat. “Shy, you know my friend Lila.” I pointed the neck of my bottle to Lila, who waved nervously as Shy glanced over her shoulder.
“Your friend huh? I didn’t know you were a babysitter.”
“That’s funny. You’re so… super,” Lila replied dryly and I had to stifle a laugh at her sarcastic response.
“We’re neighbors,” I added as I put my bottle down on the counter and grabbed two more. Shy took the one I had intended for Lila. “We’re celebrating.”
“What are you celebrating?” Shy asked as she twisted the cap off the bottle.
“Lila’s dying,” I said with no humor as I took the bottle from her hand and held it out for Lila. I was rewarded with a crooked smile as we both took a drink.
“You’re dying?” Shy slurred as she spun around, feigning concern.
“It’s true,” Lila replied, struggling to suppress her grin with a drink in each hand.
“You don’t look sick.”
“Um… thanks.”
“Maybe it’s all those pills your mom has you popping. Can you die from being crazy?” Shy glanced back at me with a wink and my stomach sank. So much for showing Lila a good time.
“I’m not crazy,” Lila’s voice had lost all of its confidence as her eyes widened and I knew she was only seconds from crying. I’d seen that look a million times before with Taylor as she struggled so hard to be strong. Our entire night was going to be ruined before it even started and Lila was nev
er going to trust me to take her out again.
One of the advantages of being tall was that I could see over the heads of most of my peers. Right now I was looking at half the football team making their way through the front door. When you play life safe, you have a choice. But when you are out of time, you don’t think about right or wrong, only what feels good. Right now, nothing would feel better than to make Lila smile.
“Shy, when are we going to finish what we started?” I asked as her attention turned back to me, a smug look of victory on her face as if she’d beat out Lila for my affection. Not that she needed to worry. Lila was the type of girl who would be settling down with a lawyer or some other guy in a fancy suit with a fat paycheck.
“I was hoping maybe later tonight,” she whispered, taking a small step closer to me, assaulting me with her flowery perfume that smelled like it could cover the scent of a decomposing body.
“Why wait?” I bent down, hovering my lips just an inch from Shy’s making sure she was the one to close the distance between us. She didn’t disappoint. As our mouths made contact, her body pressed against mine. A loud yell from her boyfriend behind Lila caused my eyes to snap open but when they landed on Lila, I froze. Her eyes were wide with horror as a boy three times her size crashed into her from behind. Beer flew, frothing from the bottles she held as her body crashed to the floor below.
“Lila,” I yelled out as Shy ducked out of the way with a squeal, still not aware that the commotion was caused by her own boyfriend. I grabbed Lila’s arms and helped her to her feet, panicking as I assessed her. “That isn’t what I meant to happen. You alright?”
“Yeah, I'm all right,” she mumbled. “What the hell are you doing?” Her look of betrayal was not lost on me. I’d brought her here and then locked lips with the same girl who’d just teased her. She must have thought I was an asshole. She wasn’t wrong, she just didn’t realize it wasn’t her who was being betrayed.
“Living… or dying. Not sure which yet.” I grinned as we both glanced up to see three football players standing over us. I pulled her to her feet, making sure she was steady before I turned to Shy’s boyfriend.