Grigor disembarked from the pirate boat by somersaulting from the rigging, he landed with such perfection even a Russian gymnast coach would be impressed. He quickly stood up and saluted the royal guard that had come to meet him at the palace’s dock. It was a large jetty jutting out of the massive building that loomed over the industrial capital city of Arkansaw.
As far as the eye could see were massive chimneys from the many armouries and breweries that ran the barbarian planet’s vast economy. In between these massive factories were hundreds of ramshackle taverns, blacksmiths and whore houses. The smoke gave the whole city an eerie dim red glow, and even though it was midday the sun could not be seen.
“We’re here to give a grave message to the king” Grigor pronounced officially as the gangplank was lowered to the jetty “My crew and I must meet with the king now”
“He’s just come back from his bear wrestling session, I’ll send a message ahead, and by the time we get to the hall he should be there.” When the rest of the ragged band had disembarked they walked along the red carpet lined jetty towards the massive double wooden doors into the barbarian palace. The wind that high up made it hard to speak properly so they walked in silence.
The group was flanked by soldiers in wearing luxuriously ornate, head-to-toe suits of armour. They led them through the massively high doors out of the wind and into the grand entrance hall. Lined along the high ceilinged corridor were ancient statues and most of the décor was gold. Even though they could now talk due to the lack of wind, they still walked in silence, with Grigor leading the entire entourage.
As they reached the intricately detailed golden doors Grigor stopped, turned, and addressed the group. “Listen up, there are some rules here, you need to high-five the king when he speaks to you. It is a sign of respect, also, beware of the flaming lions, they have a habit of jumping up on unsuspecting people. Oh, and whatever you do, don’t whine or be a pansy. Got it?”
Some of the grouped nodded or murmured their understanding. “Do you reckon he’ll listen to my mix tape?” the Ty-rap-o-saurus asked.
“No.” Grigor said bluntly “Let’s go.” The Ty-rap-o-saurus was a sad panda.
The Great Hall was an amazing spectacle to behold. It was a gigantic circular room. In the centre was a completely gold throne on which the armrests were eagles, each one as big as a man. The gold backing of the throne went up towards the ceiling about fifty feet like a golden bolt striking down from the ceiling (which was painted in the same style as the Sistine church). Around this throne were a hundred bikini clad women, and around them was a moat of lava which had several bridges crossing it. Along the whole outside of the room were hundreds of wooden benches filled with barbarians drinking, singing and fighting.
Sitting on the throne in the middle was Argennon the Barbarian King. He was the largest barbarian since the last king and his hair was whiter than the moon. His face was covered in scars but it was a face that demanded respect. At his side was a mighty hammer, bigger than himself, legend said that he had fought a god for it, and won. His ragged armour covered his massive body, and at the end of one his tree trunk like arms was a massive tankard of ale, much bigger than a normal man could hold with both hands. He was sitting with some very curvaceous women and regaling tales of battling vicious beasts and slaying monsters of lore, his overly exaggerated hand gestures meant that everyone within his immediate vicinity was covered in ale.
As Grigor and his company crossed the lava bridge over the lava moat the barabarian king stopped mid imaginary –beheading and stared.
“Is that Grigor! I’ve heard news you were coming, and I hardly believed it!” The behemoth stood up and strode along to Grigor, he held his hand up expectantly and Grigor jumped to high fived him, lightning exploded from the contact. “And who are these people?”
“This is Chainsaw-boy my travelling companion and Napalm Explosionface, who I’m sure you already know, and this is the Ty-rap-o-saurus Rex. I honestly have no idea what he’s doing with us.”
“Oh well, any friend of Grigor is a friend of mine!” The king boomed, his great white beard shuddering with every syllable. He made a sweeping motion with a great hand in front of him “Sit down and have some mead friends.”
The rag tag troupe sat around a large wooden bench placed in front of the throne, they had to squeeze in between several dirty Vikings warriors who were already very drunk. As soon as Chainsaw Boy sat down the large Viking next to him decided that now was time for sleeping, and subsequently fell asleep on Chainsaw Boy’s shoulder, nearly crushing him in the process. Argennon stood in between the bench and his huge throne, a barrel-sized tankard of mead in his none-sweeping hand.
“You fellows have travelled very far, I presume your presence here is not simply a friendly meeting between comrades. What can the great king do for you?”
“Argennon, the only thing you can do for us is heed our news. The Dark Lord Volkang has the heart of the Dragon King.” The entire hall suddenly ceased the raucous cacophony that had filled the rafters. The laughing had stopped, the clashing and swearing of fighting had stopped, the sound of pouring ale had been stopped, the giggling of swooning maidens had stopped and even the roaring of tame bears and lions had stopped.
“Surely you jest Grigor” the King said slowly “you always were great at banter!” He began laughing, the great beard rising and falling with his guffaws, a shallow laugh spread out across the hall. At the sight of Grigor’s stony straight face the King stopped his barrel laugh, soon the whole hall was plunged into awkward silence. “I see, follow me to the antechamber, we will discuss this.”
He spun around, his cloak floating majestically behind him, strode around the throne and walked through the concealed archway behind it. Grigor and his band followed and found themselves in a small circular room. The dimly-lit room had bare, grey stone walls, dotted regularly with several flame torches that splashed an orange red glow around the room. In the centre of the room stood a large stone table, the same grey as the walls. They all took seats around this table, with Argennon at the far side of the room, facing the archway entrance.
“Ok Grigor, explain yourself.”
“Argennon, the heart was stolen in transit, now it and the Dark Lord are here now. I’m sure we both know what he’s after.”
“Yes, the Spirit, one of the 5 pieces of awesome, if he possesses all 5 he will have ultimate power. We can’t let that happen, ever. But the Dragon Heart? That’s the single strongest of all the pieces, and the core that links them. Volkang was a challenge even for me, I was the one who threw him from the cliff of solitude into the pit of despair. I watched as he was banished for eternity down there.”
“He’s been slowly building from the other side, I saw his mighty new Tower, and it seems his power has grown into something more powerful than it ever was before.”
The Ty-rap-o-saurus sheepishly piped up, rasing one scaly talon in the air. “Hey guys, if the Dragon Heart is so powerful why didn’t it make you guys, you know, more badass? Or even space-Hitler, I mean he had it for a while as well. Surely there’s loads of people who’d be super powerful now.”
“It’s not that simple, you don’t own the Dragon Heart, you merely work in a partnership with it, and it doesn’t lend power, you need to take it from the heart. Thus, only a handful of people in the universe are powerful enough to control it. Even then, it corrupts greatly, only someone powerful and evil enough could ever wield it.” Grigor replied.
“That’s why I never took it for myself” Argennon added “I am truly not evil enough to control such an object.”
“You said there’s 5 other pieces of Awesome, what are these things?” Illana asked curiously.
“The 5 pieces of Awesome are the remnants of the creator, some super dude who created this entire universe. Legend has it that there is another separate universe, similar to ours, but everyone only lives on one planet.” Suddenly the room felt a lot darker, and Grigor’s gruff voice was striking
awe into everyone. “They call this planet Earth, and on this planet was a man called Adam, who was the most manly of all men, truly a champion of his universe.” At the mention of that name a chill wind flowed through the sealed room. “Apparently one day he attempted to jump 100 armed nuclear missiles on a motorbike. This was nothing to Adam, but a more jealous man had sabotaged his attempt. As he flew through the air over the missiles he realised something was wrong, someone had put a deadly snake in his motorbike. He punched the snake so hard it went up in flames, but the movement distracted him, and as such he exploded into the nuclear missiles, destroying the entire earth.”
Grigor paused for effect while everyone gasped, and then continued. “This created a super massive black hole, which imploded on itself, destroying the entire universe. And out of this time-space continuum destruction, our universe was born. And all that remains of Adam and the previous universe were the 5 pieces of Awesome that formed the original guardians of this new universe.”
“The Heart of the Dragon King, the Spirit of the Barbarian King, the Rainbow Horn of the Inter-Stellar-Unicorn, the Flaming Motorbike of the Great Bear and the Cajones of the Ice-Wolf.” Napalm Explosionface said, looking up from his tankard of mead. “They each hold and grant immeasurable power, but the Heart is still the most powerful, only a combination of the other pieces could ever defeat it.”
Suddenly the floor shook. A resounding boom echoed around the room, dust fell from the ceiling and walls. Argennon jumped to his feet, and Grigor pulled out his broadsword, its flickering flames highlighting the features of his face in an orange glow.
“He’s here isn’t he.” Chainsaw boy said, his words falling heavily in the dense atmosphere of the room. From the doorway to the great hall they heard the clanging of steel on steel, the shouts of barbarians punctuating the air and the crashing and splintering of bodies being thrown through wooden tables.
Then, within seconds, silence. Only the occasional scream pierced through the walls and echoed around the room.
Grigor ran towards the doorway until Argennon shouted “Stop. Grigor, come up here.” Grigor stopped mid-step and turned to face Argennon, who was standing in the middle of the table. “If he gets the spirit he will be nigh unstoppable. I’m past my peak, and it’s my right to defend my hold. Take the spirit and hide it from the Dark Lord, secure the other pieces as well.”
Grigor stepped up onto the table and faced the massive king. “Are you sure? We can defeat him.”
“No, the heart is too powerful.” Argennon stood tall and put his hand on Grigor’s chest. The torch lights blew out and a bright blue light surrounded the pair. The whole room was bathed in a blue glow, throwing dark shadows of the assembled troupe around the walls.
The light swirled around the room before focusing into one beam that rushed around the room and flew into Grigor’s chest. The torch lights came back to life.
Argennon was left kneeling, he took in a deep breath and stood back up. He pointed to the wall behind where he had been sitting. “There are parachutes under the seats, the other side of this wall is above the dock.” He gripped Grigor by the shoulders and head butted him affectionately. “I’ve always thought of you as a son. Now go. I’ll see you in Valhalla.”
Argennon ran through the archway and out of sight. Grigor punched the wall with a straight right hand. Bricks and mortar exploded out of the side of the building and into the night sky. The room was suddenly filled with a violent wind, making it harder for them to don parachutes.
Grigor stood at the entrance to the night and looked down at the jetty. There was his ship, but all across the industrial skyline of Arkansaw were flames, smoke and explosions. Great black forms floated throughout the smoke, raining terror down on the Barbarian capital.
He turned to his cohorts, pointed down to the ship and shouted above the wind. “See you down there.” He then proceeded to dive out into the dark, sulphur tainted night.
As 5 parachutes bloomed open in the night sky like giant flowers, a great guttural roar filled the air. Glass shattered from every window of the great hall. Immediately lightning began to shoot out through the empty window frames, accompanied with the booming of iron clashing on obsidian.
Then there was nothing, except a great sadness that crept magnanimously into the hearts of everyone.
They landed on the deck of the Grigor’s large space ship, the crew had already prepped the ship, and looked cautiously at Grigor as he landed.
“Go!” he didn’t even need to shout this order, the ship was already pulling away from the jetty, and rose into the air, slowly at first, but gaining speed quickly.
They all stood at the rear guard rail of the ship watching as the great palace grew smaller. Even from that distance they could still see and feel the piercing red eyes of the Dark Lord as he stared directly at the ship.
They were frozen in place until the whole ship was enveloped in a black smoke-cloud, so dense they could barely see each other. No one said a word as they launched out of the top of the cloud, and out into space at hyper-speed.
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