Across the galaxy, on an asteroid floating around the universe at fifty million miles an hour, Harvey Jackson was finding out the hard way that having room-mates was nowhere near as fun as he thought it would be.
He’d decided to live on an asteroid as a way to see the universe along with having somewhere stable to live and work. What he didn’t realise though was that almost everyone else on the rock were either wanted fugitives or hiding from something. What he also didn’t realise was that prime real estate was called prime for a reason, and his computer programming job would only get him a room at a push.
So he found himself, at the age of 23, sharing a house with a smuggler without a working ship and a neurotically criminal German mastermind by the names of Indy and Herstaff.
For starters, they hated each other, but never actually said anything to each other about it, if there were awards for passive aggression these two would have been the biggest winners. But, if you hate something hard enough that hate can sometimes blossom into fleeting love, and at these times they 'forgot' to tell Harvey that were going to the cinema or they told him that there was only enough room for two people in the super-secret clubhouse. He’d sneaked into the secret clubhouse (the spare room) one day and decided there was easily enough room for 3 or 4 people. The ostracism hurt, but it was something he was used to.
Today was not a secret clubhouse kind of day though. “Who haz used ze last of meine butter!? INDY! INDY!?” Herstaff paced through the house shouting.
Harvey looked up from his newspaper and spoke to the German over the back of the sofa “Sorry, but it was me Herstaff, I'll pick some more up when I drop into the shop tomorrow, but um, any chance you can pay me back the money you owe me? You know, for the electric bill?”
“Oh meine days, How many timez do I haz to tell you, I vill get ze money soon, my latest plan has nearly paid off!”
“You've been saying that for the past month” Harvey retorted irritably.
“Well look at zis” Herstaff pulled out, from the man-bag slung over one shoulder, what had to be the most blindingly intricate and dazzlingly brilliant gemstone Harvey had ever seen, it was the shape of an anatomically correct heart and about the size of an average man’s torso. Light danced off the ventricles that protruded from the top of the gemstone like industrial pipes. Deep inside its ruby core he could see a rhythmic pulse of red, softly dimming and brightening, as if the stone was still alive and beating.
“It iz ze heart of ze late Dragon King Stephan ze third. Stephan was ze last of ze old dragons slain by zat fluerenkumpfe. King Argennon…” he almost spat the words in his distaste “I had meine lovely robot soldiers steal it in ze transit outside New Zealand from those Viking Bank bitches, when zis bad boy is up on eBay you vill get your money Harvey I promise. Now vould you like me to fix you up a sandviche und a koffe?”
“Ok, but I really do need that money, the banks are all over me as it is” At that point Indy strode into the room.
“Did someone just call me? Uh, I was busy um.. fixing the uh.. hyper drive system? What do ya need?” Herstaff glared at him without saying a word and turned away to open the fridge. Indy stood there, looking bemused and slightly angry.
Harvey attempted to defuse the situation before it got out of hand again. “It was nothing, just a misunderstanding. Um,” He paused, thinking of the best way to phrase the next sentence without starting an argument or a hissy fit. “While you're here, could you possibly do some of your washing please? It’s been there for ages, and look” Harvey pointed at the sink, where one dish had grown so much mould it had appeared to become sentient. On quite disgusting fungus legs it stood up, took a look around and dived out of the open kitchen window in a bid for freedom.
“I really would but I’m really busy at the moment, you’ve picked a really bad time, I’ve got loads of other things to do.”
“To be honest I haven’t picked this time for you, you should be doing it anyway!” Harvey was beginning to lose patience.
“Why are you always telling me what to do? It’s not like it’s even affecting anyone.” Indy said, on the defensive.
“The other day a saucepan called me a wanker, I think that’s a sign it’s gone too far.”
“Well, you should clean it if it’s such an issue. Don’t forget whose ship we use to go places, I might consider not letting you use it if you keep making me do things.”
Harvey had concluded that Indy was a little girl, and quite spoilt to boot, so he decided to give up on finding a correct solution to the washing debacle today. “Whatever, just do it soon. Please.”
“You know what? I’ll do it my own damn time, I’m fed up of you asking me to do things.” Indy was now very riled up, and began mimicking Harvey’s accent and tone “Indy, pay your bills! Indy, don’t play rave music loudly at 4 in the morning! Indy, Indy, do this, do that!” He then diverted his attention to Herstaff “And you Herstaff, you’re always plotting and planning. You never have enough time to show me some damn affection. If I wasn't in a legally binding short hold lease agreement I'd take the Century Hawk and haul my ass off this godforsaken rock like there was no damn tomorrow.”
“The Century Hawk doesn’t even fly.”
Under his breath, but loud enough for everyone to hear, he muttered, “I’m surrounded by idiots.” Harvey didn’t have the courage to point out the irony in this statement. Indy then stopped, and walked over to the ornate gemstone sitting forebodingly on the dining table. “What is this? Is this the Dragon Heart?!”
“Vell, if you're finished being a bitch, yes it zis, but you cannot touch it, it iz meine!” Herstaff replied.
“This is one of the six pieces of awesome. I mean, wow, I never thought I’d ever actually see a piece” A sense of awe gleamed through his voice. This awe quickly turned to confusion “but, doesn’t this belong to Argennon the Barbarian King?” Confusion soon turned to dread. “What have you done? They’ll come here, and most probably cause structural damage, in the best case scenario we lose our deposit! Worst case, our lives.”
“Do not vorry so much, it vas Lord Evegart whom I… um… acquired this from, perfectly legally ov course.”
Indy eyed him warily, “I hope you know what you’re doing, these pieces of awesome are ancient and powerful, not something to be toyed with.”
“yes yes,” Herstaff waved his hand nonchalantly at Indy, “I hav done zis plenty of times before, I assure you it vill be vine”
“Whatever you do, don’t get the house trashed, I can’t afford to lose the deposit.” Harvey said getting up off the sofa. “I’m going to go play some computer games, I’ll catch you guys later.”
“See you” Herstaff and Indy replied.
Harvey was still concerning himself with the mention of structural damage. How did I end up in this position? Maybe I'll find a nice girl who'll take me away from these two loons, he thought, preferably with big boobies, boobies are nice.
Far away the solar winds of Parsenius Five heard his wish and great magic began to stir....
Not quite as far away, on Earth II, something else was also stirring…