Chapter 17
Awake
The rhythmic thumping of music through his father’s pitiful speakers barely covered the sound of his typing an email to CJ. Cadarn paused in his pounding on the keyboard. He wasn't really sure what was going on, but it was just embarrassing to be dragged out of school like a little kid. He was pretty sure he had made a good first impression with the teachers at this new school and missing class was never a good thing. This was one of the first times he actually didn’t mind class—this charter school thing was the best. Yes, this school was nice… Before he could stop himself, he had visions of Solbright in his mind, of the times he saw her in the hall, those rare times he could almost convince himself she had smiled at him... but he quickly slammed the door to where that thought led. There’s no way she could like you, he told himself sternly. She’s drop-dead, popular, and could have any guy in school. You are just a scrawny nerd, whose only interesting feature is that you are the new kid. She was probably laughing at you. He couldn’t get rid of the hopeful fantasy completely, however. Her smile lingered in his mind, like the tiniest film of fragrant oil on water, a shimmering drop of hope on his pool of self-doubt.
He dismissed it completely by resuming his rant to CJ about stupid parents and quickly sent it. Before he could refocus on the stupid history paper he was working on, he was being IM'ed by CJ.
“Dude,” CJ wrote, “Saw UR email. What happened?”
“Parental intervention,” Cadarn quickly typed back.
“Parents suck. You busted for something?”
“No,” Cadarn paused. He didn't really know what was going on, but he had a guess. “Family problems. My sister is always causing trouble.”
“Yeah, sibs suck, too. Let me know if you need a place to crash.”
There was a knock on the office door followed a moment later by the door opening. For the millionth time Cadarn wished his parents would let him have his new computer and get it connected. Their stupid dial-up might even be fast on that thing.
His father poked his head in. “Please come out, I would like to talk to you in the living room.”
Cadarn looked over his shoulder. “I've got a lot to do. Have to finish this paper and then figure out what schoolwork I am going to miss by getting dragged out of school against my wishes, after all.” He turned back to the screen.
“Two minutes. Then the power goes off,” his father said as he shut the door.
Cadarn typed quickly. His father had thrown the breaker before.
“Dude, gotta run, I'll catch up l8r.”
“Totally! I want gory details!”
Cadarn logged off and saved his work, but left the computer on and the music still as loud as it could go. He considered leaving the door wide open so he could still hear the music, but thought it would draw too much attention.
He found his sister sitting on the couch looking tired and anxious. He plunked down right next to her, causing her to bounce into him. He saw her bleary eyes up close and knew she had been crying. He was a little mad at her— her being the reason he was dragged out of school— but felt badly for her too. He always had a soft spot for his little sister.
She didn't even crack a smile at being bounced into him, so he pushed her over. She pushed herself up and was going to punch him back when their parents came out of the kitchen. Cadarn was used to seeing his mother looking angry, but wasn't used to her looking so scared. He didn't have a moment to dwell on it, though.
They sat down across from the couch, their mother on the edge of the old comfy chair, and their father on a kitchen chair across from them. He glanced at Haylwen, then looked at Cadarn.
“Something happened at Haylwen's school, to your sister, that has me and your mother concerned. We talked, and decided that you two are going to be homeschooled.”
Haylwen seemed only a little surprised, but Cadarn was barely aware of her. A year ago, he would have been happy, but now, this new school, things were different. His thoughts were a jumble.
“Home schooled?” Cadarn said. “Why?”
“There are a number of reasons, but the most important one is that you two need to learn other things.”
“What other things?” Cadarn blurted. “Why can't we just learn them after school?” He flushed a little but was upset enough to risk interrupting his father.
His father blinked, but didn't seem upset. He fixed his eyes firmly on Cadarn. “Your sister was attacked. We’re not sure why. You two need to learn how to defend yourselves.”
“I've been taking martial arts classes since forever,” Cadarn started, but his father interrupted.
“A different kind of defense,” he said softly, looking at Haylwen.
Cadarn looked at his sister, who had started quietly crying, seeming to slump even further into the couch.
“Kids, your mother and I are...,” his father continued. Then, the words stuck in his throat. He looked startled and looked at their mother. She also looked confused. “We decided that you are old enough to learn...” He seemed to be trying to force air out and was having trouble breathing.
Cadarn looked at his father, then to his mother. “What's going on?” She shook her head in confusion. “When does this homeschooling start?” Maybe there was an after school club, if he could just find one.
His mother had collected herself. “Tomorrow. We are going to move as quickly as we can find another place, but can't afford to wait that long,” she answered.
“Move? What, moving too?” He glared at his father, who wasn’t even paying attention. Something snapped in him and he stood up and yelled, “Move? Again? And home school? This sucks! I like this place, and I like this school! I am not moving and I am not doing any stupid homeschooling!”
He ran into the office and slammed the door. Without realizing what he was doing, he found himself on-line and pinging CJ.
“Dude, you still there?” He scrubbed at his eyes, trying to stop the tears. He distantly heard his parents arguing. The noise faded away.
Unsurprisingly, CJ was still online. “Ya, dude, got the gory?”
“We're moving again!”
“No way!”
“Way.” Cadarn paused, vaguely aware of a growing fear. The horrible, impossible thought jumped from out of hiding. He quickly typed, “What if they don’t have internet? Dude, I would die!”
There was a pause. CJ apparently couldn’t fathom such a thing either. “What are you going to do?”
“What can I do?”
“You could run away!”
“Yeah, and join the circus?”
“No, really! You could live with me!”
Cadarn didn't know if CJ was being serious, but felt uneasy about it. CJ lived with his uncle, just the two of them. He sounded serious. “Yeah, your uncle would let some strange kid live in your basement.”
“We have plenty of room, he wouldn't care! Honestly!”
Cadarn sat back. It was tempting. He imagined if CJ’s uncle was even half as cool as Uncle Chuck, it would rock! He looked over his shoulder and slowly typed, “Thanks, but there's no way.”
“Dude, come on, it would be great, we'd be like brothers!”
Cadarn paused again. To be free, never have to put up with someone telling him to turn down his music, never having to put up with a stubborn father, nagging mother, or annoying sister. A tiny part of him felt it was too good to be true, and a large part felt guilty for wanting to abandon his family, especially his sister. He sighed. “That would be cool, but I just can’t.”
There was a pause before CJ replied. “Well, your call. So, where are you going? Have you checked out the new school?”
“Oh, dude, that's the best, we're going to be homeschooled! Can you imagine my parents as teachers?” Cadarn quickly led the change in subject, to move into the more familiar ground of making fun of things.
He and CJ mocked homeschoolers, and Cadarn laughed at CJ’s joke about being able to say he was first in his class. He really was cool.
Maybe, if things didn’t work out well, or when he was a bit older, yeah, like in college, they could be roommates.
CJ had to run, so without thinking, Cadarn started back to work on his paper. Just as he opened it, the screen flashed and his paper disappeared. He swore under his breath as he re-opened the file. I bet CJ doesn’t have to work under these conditions. He paused at the first page of his paper. If I'm going to be homeschooled, I don’t need to finish this stupid paper! His emotions crashed, and he could feel tears filling his eyes.
The room wavered, and he felt a tingling in his fingers where they were touching the keyboard. He tried to move his hands away, but was stuck. He felt like his hands were disconnected, like they weren’t his. What is this? He watched as his fingers slowly disintegrated, spreading over the keyboard in a cloud of fine dust. He ignored breathing, tried again to move his hands, his arms, anything. Nothing. As he struggled, he felt the tingle and watched his arms disintegrate too. It was spreading, and quickly. He felt panic chase the tingling as it rushed into his chest, down his legs, up his neck to explode in his head. Everything went blurry. He tried to scream, but wasn’t sure if he did.
Was that banging at the door? He couldn't turn his head to look, couldn’t spare the attention to notice when it stopped. He was fighting something, like in a dream; he didn’t know what it was or how he was fighting. Maybe it was his sanity. Later, he remembered hearing his mother’s yell, would remember it sounded melodic, part of a song. He remembered as it was oddly both new and familiar, like an awareness of being in a dream while dreaming. Something in him snapped, like awaking from the dream. A bright blue flash came from what he thought must have been the computer exploding. He crashed back into being solid, normal, aware, as he was thrown back from the computer. He never did figure out if it was the computer exploding or what his mother did that threw him back. He knocked over the small chair, landing on the floor in a heap. It took a moment to realize nothing hurt. When the world reappeared, and he could see more than sparkles, he looked at his hands. They were intact. He flexed them to be sure. He tested his arms, then sat up, looked at the smoking, melted ruin of a computer, and then at his mother. She was standing there, shaking, still holding her arms out, both palms facing what was left of the computer.
Cadarn, his brain still numb, looked at her furrowed brows. “I'm sorry, Mom.” His father and sister rushed in a moment later to stand behind her, his father holding his sister back and looking very grim.
Their mother turned to look at them.
“Oh, no, I forgot about the internet. I didn’t…” his father said. He took a breath, starting to say something, but seemed to choke on the words. He tried to talk, but for some reason, he couldn't. Their mother’s face twisted in fear and anger. She closed her eyes and started humming. It sounded like when she was going to start singing. All of a sudden, her voice cracked and she went into a coughing fit. She looked at the computer, and then threw a confused look at their father. They both just looked at each other. Cadarn looked at Haylwen, who seemed scared, but at least like she knew what was going on. Cadarn shook his head, clearing his mind. He stared at them all as if the whole world had gone insane and by intensity of glare he could make things normal.
“What is going on? What happened?” His yell was as wild as the look thrown at his parents. They both looked as though they were going to say something, but didn't know what to say. “Say something!”
His father was the first to move. He said something Cadarn couldn’t catch to his mother. She shook her head, but it must have been something other than disagreement. He started to say more, but she waved him and Haylwen out the door. His father just nodded and even hushed Haylwen when she started to ask questions. His mother fiddled with the door for a few moments, trying to get the broken latch to hold. When she turned around, her face was calm, except around the eyes. It was the face she used when she was going to give him a lecture.
“What were you doing when... well… when you yelled?” she asked. She picked up the overturned stool, looked at it for a moment, then sat down on the floor next to Cadarn. He hadn't moved from where he had been thrown, and still didn't.
“Typing. What happened to the computer?” he said, stubbornly. His eyes and ears hurt, and he was shaking a bit. All that made sense at the time was the computer blew up. The thought of no computer was like an amputation.
She looked at him and he saw a bit more anger seep from behind her calm mask. “I can't tell you what happened to the computer. What were you typing?”
“I was doing schoolwork. You can't tell me, or don't want to? I have a right to know.”
“What schoolwork?”
“What happened to the computer?”
More anger seeped, and Cadarn saw cracks in her calm mask. Her mouth twitched. “I can't tell you! It’s not that I don't want to, although I don't want to, but I can't.”
“You can’t? Just give it a try.” It was one of her pet phrases, though mostly used on Haylwen, and he said it just like he heard it. He knew she was close to getting pissed and it terrified him. Usually. Right now, he didn’t care, maybe even wanted her to explode.
“Try?” Her anger flared and Cadarn fought the reflex of going to the familiar place in his head when his mother would lose her temper. “Did you see me try to set a ward, just then? It was like hitting a brick wall! My guts wrenched, and you want me to try some more? Please, give me some respect! You have no part of this!”
Cadarn let the words wash over him, his face blank. It’s your fault, a voice in his head whispered. You broke the computer, caused your mother pain, and it’s your fault. He paused, realizing that for the first time he didn’t care; the voice was the same, but newly powerless. That realization was lost as his mother suddenly clapped a hand over her mouth.
Cadarn looked at her, and tilted his head. “What.”
“What did I say?”
“How should I know?” He lost it. That new part of him, maybe a part always there but buried, fully emerged. He flashed back to the feeling that he was going to die, and he never felt more real, more alive. For the first time in his life, he yelled back as his mother.
“How the hell should I know! How dare you treat me like a little kid! Tell me what is going on!” His fists clenched and he stopped as he felt tears welling up. He tried, but couldn't stop a few tears from leaking down his face. He swiped at them angrily.
His mother flinched. Turning slightly, she glanced at the computer. She paused, took a deep breath, let it out, then slumped a little. She looked at Cadarn. “You look more and more like your father every day,” she said quietly. She seemed to say that a lot lately.
She stood up. “First, I need to do, well, want to try something, ok?” She closed her eyes, started humming again, and put her hands on her stomach. A big smile blossomed on her face, and she threw her hands out, tilting her head back as she sang one wordless note.
As she did, a wave of something rushed out from her, sparkling. Cadarn felt it in his chest like when the sub-woofer kicked in on the big stereo. The computer sent up another wisp of smoke. He looked back at his mother, who was still smiling. His own anger smoothed slightly. She sighed deeply, then opened her eyes and saw Cadarn watching her. A haunted look replaced part of her smile. She sat down on the floor heavily.
Cadarn got up to sit on the stool, never taking his eyes off his mother. “What did you just do—it felt like, well, something. What is going on?”
She slowly shook her bowed head. “Well, that was a simple protection bubble, a ward. I think we are safe, at least for the moment. The house is safe, at least. Until we move. Your father and I haven't had a chance to talk, really, but I know he will agree with me.” She gestured to the lump of plastic that was the computer. “There may be restrictions on some things.”
She paused, raising and tilting her head, looking at him as if just noticing something. She asked, gently but urgently, “You felt that?” He nodded once. “Have you felt anything
else lately, like this? Or, well, has anything strange happened around you?”
She was back into her lecture mode. Cadarn was still looking at the computer and too confused and upset to say anything but, “no.”
She looked at him, then sighed. “Well, if you do, you must tell me or your father. It is very important, ok?”
He looked at her, then at the computer. He stood as the anger flared. “What is going on?” he said through gritted teeth. He could feel the tears starting to come back and didn't want to risk saying more.
“I think someone is trying to get to, to use me or your father,” she said softly. “I think someone is trying to hurt our family.”
Cadarn blinked. It was his father’s computer. It wasn’t his fault at all. With that realization came another, one he would never forget. He relaxed in a brief moment of relief, which only made it worse when he fell into an endless pit of fear. This was bigger than him, much bigger. His mother was not just afraid for him, like usual. She was afraid for herself, too. This was something so huge neither she nor Dad could stop it. Cadarn felt the fear in his mother's eyes seep into him, felt how overwhelming it really was. It all finally hit him. Something serious, adult serious, had happened to Haylwen. Something had happened to him. He saw it all clearly, and was stunned.
It was like stepping off a cliff. He fell, never to return to who he had been. In his mother’s eyes, in that moment, he saw the truth. His parents were just people, just like him, falling down the same cliff of unknowing. They were just mostly used to it. He could die— they could die— at any moment. They couldn’t protect him or themselves. Overwhelmed, he shook uncontrollably. His mother reached out and pulled him into a hug. He collapsed next to her, let go, and sobbed big adult tears.