SAMUS bites his bottom lip trying to hold onto his thoughts not let them slip from his mouth and he gave the woman a smile.
PARKER
Okay mom! You need to go home now. You are being crude and disrespectful.
MARY
Fine I'll go. But not without giving you boys this basket first.
PARKER
Just like Samus said, we're going to get something to eat.
MARY
This isn't food silly. (Holds the basket up to them) It's filled with condoms, lube, edible lube, the first two seasons of 'Glee'-which were the only seasons worth watching and a CD of me singing show tunes. I know how you gays love your show tunes.
SAMUS
(aside)
Hello Stereotypes.
MARY hands SAMUS the basket and he takes it. His eyes widen as he feels it vibrate in his hand and he looks at her.
SAMUS
Why is it vibrating?!
MARY
(winks)
Oh you know why. And I've included extra Double A batteries. They're Duracell (winks), so you know they'll last longer.
PARKER snatches the basket away from SAMUS and looks at his mother. We focus on the conversation PARKER and MARY are about to have.
PARKER
(Faces his mother)
You have embarrassed me for the last time! You are going to take this basket and go home! No 'ands, ifs or buts'!
MARY
I'm sorry if I got super stoked to see you finally getting back out there after all these months of you whining and complaining that no one likes you.
PARKER
And how are you making that better now? You're sabotaging what would be an amazing date with your shenanigans. You're scaring Samus away! Now apologize to him and go home.
MARY
(Nodding)
You're right Porky. I'm truly sorry that wasn't my intention. And Samus I-
MARY and PARKER turn to face SAMUS but they realize he is no longer there. He snuck away while they were arguing. They are both upset and shocked to see he was gone.
PARKER
Dammit, Mom! I really liked that one!
CUTS TO:
Just around the corner SAMUS is seen speed walking through the crowds of people getting away from the chaos that was PARKER and MARY. As he safely crosses the street the V.O plays.
SAMUS (V.O.)
Well that was definitely interesting. It's crazy what you find online and even crazier whom you find online. But the journey makes it all worthwhile in the end. After all, what is a story without twists and turns along the way?
DISSOLVES TO:
"THREE WEEKS LATER (PRESENT DAY)" - Appears on the Screen
INT- SAMUS' APARTMENT HALLWAY-MID DAY
BELKY knocks on the door one last time before he grows upset and decides to go upstairs angrily mumbling to himself. As he goes upstairs stomping, URSULA walks up the stairs from the lower floor talking on her cellphone.
URSULA
(into the phone)
I know Dahling??Exactly why I'm going to ask Samus if he can cat sit Ariel??.Oh please, she loves him??.I believe he is allergic to cats but he'll be fine??.(giggles)Exactly! I want this weekend to be amazing and none of us having to worry about the cat???Okay well I'm here now. I'll talk to you later. (hangs up the phone and knocks on the door) Dahling, it's Ursula!
URSULA knocks on the door again and decides to turn the doorknob. The door unlocks easily and she shakes her head opening the door wider.
URSULA (CONT'D)
Dahling, I've told you plenty of times that you cannot leave your door open. You may live in Manhattan but the psychos are still out there.
We watch as URSULA enters the apartment closing the door behind her. The sound of URSULA'S heels can be heard from the other side of the door. Within thirty seconds we hear URSULA scream.
URSULA (O.S.)
Oh my goddess! SAMUS?! SAMUS! SOMEONE HELLLP!!!!!
BLACK.
END OF EPISODE
EPISODE 4- "NEXT!"
FADE IN:
INT- HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM- PRESENT DAY- EVENING
URSULA is pacing back and forth nervously in the hospital's waiting area. She looked as if she was crying for hours and her hands were covered with dried blood.
TARA turns the corner of the waiting area and spots URSULA. She sighs in relief and walks over to her.
TARA
Babe! I came as fast as I could. How is he?
URSULA
(sighs in relief and hugs Tara tightly, fighting back tears) I-I don't know. The doctors took him and they won't tell me anything.(Pulls back from the hug and looks at her hands) B-But there was blood?so much blood everywhere.
TARA
(Holds her wrists trying to console her)
It's going to be alright babe. Samus is a fighter. He will get through this.
Doctor #1 walks around the corner and approaches both women. URSULA spots him and lets out a nervous sigh.
DOCTOR#1
Are you family members of Samus'?
URSULA
Yes, he's my brother. How is he, doctor? Is he going to be okay?
DOCTOR#1
(With a solemn look on his face)
I-I'm sorry?He's-
CUTS TO:
"TWO WEEKS EARLIER"- Appears on the screen.
INT- A NYC CAF?- EARLY EVENING
"DATE #4- THOMAS"- Appears on the screen.
THOMAS
-Dead! He's dead! The writers just killed off the main character half way through the show! Can you freaking believe that?! Those are some brave writers if you ask me.
We approach SAMUS and THOMAS REDFIELD in a quiet and half empty caf? and seated across from each other at a small table. SAMUS is smiling as THOMAS continues to speak but it was pretty clear, SAMUS didn't want to be on this date anymore.
SAMUS
(dryly)
Wow, that must've been a huge twist for you.
THOMAS
Oh not really. I read the comics so I knew he was going to die before the show even aired. But I was still shocked they killed him considering he's a fan favorite.
SAMUS
(Nods slowly)
Ah I see. (Beat) So Thomas, how long have you been single?
THOMAS
(Ponders)
Very good question..Hmm..What year did Veluck invade Allensvilla and then impregnate his sister?
THOMAS pauses waiting for SAMUS to laugh at the poorly told joke but instead SAMUS just stares at him blankly.
THOMAS (CONT'D)
(clears his throat realizing Samus didn't get the joke) Um, a little over three years now. I divulge all my free time to keeping my community safe from bullies and crime.
SAMUS
(Sits up straight on the chair finally intrigued)
That is amazing! What district are you in? I think I saw a news segment about vigilantes who have devoted their time to protecting their neighborhoods. I mean sure they're not bulletproof, but it has brought the crime rate in Brooklyn significantly lower than what it was a year ago.
THOMAS
(laughs realizing what he said was misunderstood by Samus and he shook his head) Oh no! I didn't mean my actual neighborhood. I meant, my online community, in the game WorldOfMagic! I brought eight houses and married two gnomes, an elf and this huge Troll. Normally I'm not into Interspecies relationships-(whispers)- Or interracial relationships. But this dude is Level 989 and he is equipped with the Sword of Validation, how could you say no to that?
SAMUS
(aside)
I wish I said No to this.
THOMAS
Crap! I gotta take a whiz! (He gets up from the chair)
We watch as THOMAS walks over to the bathroom and SAMUS softly bangs his head on the table. He stops as his cellphone vibrates and he takes it out of his pocket. He looks at the screen and reads it to himself.
"Hey Sam-Sam! I dnt kno what u up to, but dnt 4get 2nite is the Speed Dat
ing Extravaganza! So U betta get ya big booty to the club ASAP! See ya then! Xoxoxox-Ursula"- appears on the screen.
SAMUS texts back: "Sure thing! I'll see you later tonight. Make sure Andrew Garfield is there early."- Appears on the screen.
The phone vibrates again: "Dahling, Andrew Garfield is NOT Gay!"- Appears on the screen.
SAMUS texts back: "Not yet ;)" - Appears on the screen.
THOMAS walks over to SAMUS and extends his right hand almost touching SAMUS' nose.
THOMAS (CONT'D)
Does my hands smell like Pineapple or Cherry?
SAMUS
(looks at Thomas' hand and then at Thomas)
Oh they have new soap in the bathroom?
THOMAS
(lowers his eyesbrows)
I don't know man. I didn't wash my hands.
SAMUS
(claps his hands together)
And with that I am calling this date officially over. (gets up from the chair grabbing his jacket)
THOMAS
(confused)
Why? Was it something I said?
SAMUS
Something you said? This date was over the moment you burped five times without excusing yourself! Then when you started babbling on and on about that damn movie based off of a video game. Newsflash buddy! Movies based on videogames are never really that good anyways! And not to mention-
THOMAS
Ah I see. You're one of those Gays.
SAMUS
Excuse me?
THOMAS
You're one of those Gays who think they're better than us Gay Nerds because they're all about Fashion, Make-up and theatre.
SAMUS
(chuckles)
Are you serious?! You're basically stereotyping me based on what? If you haven't noticed, you spent the entire date talking about bullcrap! And not to mention, you're disgusting! You were so boring I was actually counting how many cockroaches I've seen crawl under the counter, which by the way is more than enough reasons to never return back to this place again!
THOMAS
You remind me so much of the Dark Lord Garinstone in my favorite anime, 'DarkLoverHeart'.
SAMUS
Yeah, I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult.
THOMAS
He was the main villain who was shallow, rude and cold. He pissed off the protagonist Seriko and in the season three finale, Seriko stabbed Garinstone in the stomach ripping his intestines out.
SAMUS
(pauses and nods)
Yeah?okay.
We watch as SAMUS walks out of the caf? and THOMAS keeps an eye on him. We look down at THOMAS' fist and he clenches them tightly out of anger.
CUTS TO:
EXT-A NYC GAY CLUB- 30 MINUTES LATER- EVENING
TARA is setting up the chairs in the empty club. The club was beautifully decorated with red and blue streamers and red and blue balloons that were located on the other side of the club.
She is overwhelmed mumbling to herself and hoping everything runs smoothly during the event. SAMUS enters the club and sees TARA.
SAMUS
(sings)
I'm here!!
TARA
(sighs in relief) Oh thank Goddess!(she walks over to Samus and hugs him tightly) Ursula was hoping you'd show up.
SAMUS
(hugging her) Well at first I really wasn't, but then the date I was on crashed into CrazyLand and blam I'm free! So I thought why not?
TARA
(she releases Samus and smiles)
Thankfully it was horrible!
SAMUS
Geez thanks. (smiles and looks around) Where is the sea witch anyways?
TARA
She had an emergency at work and had to head out. But don't worry you're in safe hands. Besides we were down one Red.
SAMUS
(glares at Tara)
Is that a new gay slur?
TARA
(smiles)
No! There are two colors we use which makes the Speed Dating process a lot easier. Reds are the ones who will remain seated and Blues are the ones that will rotate. And you are a Red.
TARA (CONT'D)
(Hands Samus a red sticker)You will each have two minutes. If you have any issues with the guy you are talking to, you will shout out 'Next'. When that happens, the Blue will get up from the table and walk over to the bar, where they will stand there until the two minutes are up.
SAMUS
(places the sticker on the right side of his chest) Sounds easy. Are there limits on how many 'Nexts' I get?
TARA
(smiles shaking her head realizing what he was implying) There are no limits, but that doesn't mean you're going to Next everyone for no reason either. Whether you like it or not, Ursula and I want to see you happy with someone and because I know you like the back of my hand; everything that happens here tonight is completely off the Record.
SAMUS
(gasps)
What!? But this would be amazing to write about for the column.
TARA
You can write about the Speed Dating Extravaganza but nothing about the dates. If you write about them, I will gladly threaten your boss with a lawsuit unless a retraction is done.
SAMUS
(smiles admiring how tough Tara was)
Ursula sure knows how to pick 'em.
TARA
Okay! (she points to a chair) Now you sit there. The doors are about to open. Are you ready to find love?
SAMUS
(sitting down) Yes, if Andrew Garfield manages to walk through that door. (smiles and nods) Let's see how the night goes.
TARA nods and she looks around at the decorated space making sure everything was neatly organized.
She lets out a nervous sigh and walks over to the main entrance of the club.
SAMUS nods to himself nervously and he looks up to the ceiling trying to calm down his nerves.
SAMUS
Okay, let the game begin.
CUTS TO:
SPEED DATING MONTAGE
"Date #5: Greg"- Appears on the screen
GREG is seated in front of SAMUS wearing a blue sticker.
GREG
-and I told him, are you crazy or just?shmazy?
Both men laugh at the joke and GREG softly bites his own bottom lip as he stops laughing and looks at SAMUS.
GREG (CONT'D)
So is your hot dog skinless or is it wearing a turtleneck?
SAMUS
(confused)
I'm sorry. What are we talking about?
GREG
(smiling)
I'm uncut and packing an eleven incher. And just a side note-(he leans in as if he is about to disclose a secret to Samus)-it only takes eight licks to get to the cream filling of this lollipop.
SAMUS
(quickly)
NEXT!
DISSOLVES TO:
"DATE #6: Matty"- Appears on the screen
MATTY is seated in front of SAMUS.
MATTY
Wow you're cute.
SAMUS
Aww thank you.
MATTY
You're a Top or a Bottom?
SAMUS
(innocently)
I'm an Aries.
MATTY
I didn't ask that-
SAMUS
NEXT!
DISSOLVES TO:
"DATE #7: Will"- Appears on the screen
WILL walks over to SAMUS extending his hand and SAMUS shakes it smiling.
WILL
Name's Will. (jokingly) Hope the other guys were bad; this way I can shatter your expectations.
SAMUS
Oh Gosh, I assure you-
WILL lowers his eyebrows hearing SAMUS' voice for the first time and he takes back his hand softly as SAMUS releases it.
SAMUS (CONT'D)
-based on those Jerkwads, you can't do any worst.
WILL
I-is that your real voice or are you impersonating a Flam
er?
SAMUS
Um..no this is my real voice.
WILL
(nods his head and waits for ten seconds to pass)
NEXT!
WILL walks away without any hesitation and heads over to the bar.
SAMUS
(Lets out a loud gasp and jumps up to his feet)(to Will) Oh yeah?! Well?you're?you're Next! How you like that?! (He sits back down on the seat, rubs his forehead and shouts to the bartender)I need a drink! Make it a Bloody Mary. Less Mary more bloody!
CUTS TO:
"DATE #8: DANIEL"- Appears on the Screen
DANIEL is seated in front of SAMUS and in mid conversation as SAMUS nods taking a small sip of his Bloody Mary.
DANIEL
So you work out?
SAMUS
(swallows a bit of the drink and shakes his head)
No. But I walk literally everywhere. Does that count?
DANIEL
(shakes his head)