What I really felt. Why I was really mad. Why I was pushing Macallan away. Why being with her became more and more difficult. Why I felt nervous and angry anytime a guy mentioned her.
The second I admitted it to myself, I knew it had been true for a very, very long time.
I was in love with Macallan.
I dropped the ball and left it there on the ground. Keith asked me what was going on. I yelled something to him and the other guys about needing to talk to Macallan and ran.
I knew love was a strong word for someone my age. But that was what it was. That was what we had.
And I wasn’t going to let it go.
We’d hit rock bottom, but this is what I found there. The truth.
I ran faster than I’d ever run before. There wouldn’t have been a one-tenth difference that day. I would’ve blown away every last runner that time. Because at the end of this finish line wasn’t a trophy — it was Macallan.
I was a little winded when I knocked on the door. I didn’t care that I was sweating and probably looked a little crazy.
What I was about to do was crazy.
What I was about to do would change everything.
But I couldn’t hold it in any longer. The truth I was concealing was driving her away.
It was time I stopped messing around and stepped up.
“Oh, hello, Levi,” Mr. Dietz greeted me at the door, and he did not look very happy to see me.
“Hi, Mr. Dietz. Can I speak to Macallan, please?” I almost didn’t recognize my own voice, there was so much pleading in it.
He sighed, but opened the door. “She’s out back.”
I went through the house and saw Adam, who looked at me stone-faced. I’ve never seen him look so serious. That was when I knew I was in big trouble. I went to the door to the deck, where Macallan was sitting on the steps that led to the yard. My heart almost broke when I saw there were crumpled-up tissues at her side. I slid open the glass door, and her dad stopped me from closing it.
“Levi’s here,” he announced. She turned around and her eyes were red. “You going to be okay, Calley?”
I’d never heard her dad call her anything but Macallan. This was worse than I’d thought.
She gave him a tiny nod.
Then I heard Adam’s voice. “I’m going to be standing right here if you need anything. Anything at all.” He nodded sternly at me, like he wouldn’t hesitate for a second to take me down.
Adam’s loyalty was a stark contrast to how I’d been behaving. I’d never been so ashamed of myself.
“Hey,” I said as I gently maneuvered myself next to her on the step. “I know I’ve been saying this a lot lately, Macallan, but I’m sorry. I was being a grade-A jerk. I was confused about a lot of things and was trying to fit in. But I realize that none of it matters, none of it matters to me. I mean, except you.”
I’d never had to declare my love to anybody before. But I was pretty confident I was doing a horrible job.
“I got so mad, because, I think, I mean, I know now that, well, I have feelings. I mean, you know, not just feelings, but I … Let me start over.”
“You made a promise to me, Levi. You promised you’d be there for me. But you haven’t been. And I never, never saw you as my ‘whipping boy’ at my ‘beck and call.’ ”
Those words, the words I used just hours earlier, stung. I could only imagine how much they’d hurt her.
She continued while tightly holding on to a tissue. “I didn’t realize what a burden it was for you to hang out with me.”
“No,” I said forcefully. I couldn’t believe she would have ever thought that, no matter what I said. But I had been ignoring her. So I guess I could see why she thought that.
She disregarded my comment. “It’s great that you’ve got your own friends. It would be selfish of me to keep you from them. That was never my intention.”
“No, that’s not it. I’m horrified that you would ever think that.” I took her hand in mine. “I’ve been a complete idiot. And I know why I’ve been so confused. I guess I have problems expressing myself and, um …”
She wouldn’t even look at me. I cautiously took my other hand and gently maneuvered her head so she looked at me. Her eyes were filled with tears.
“Macallan, I, I love you.” It was as if those words lifted a ton of weight off my back.
“I love you, too. You’re my best friend.” She gave me a weak smile.
I didn’t think my love and her love were the same.
“No, Macallan.” I brushed her face lightly with my thumb. “That’s not what I mean.”
I pulled her closer to me and leaned in. We were only inches apart. My body tingled with the anticipation of another kiss. One that didn’t have to end so abruptly.
Macallan’s eyes widened when she realized what I was about to do. She jumped to her feet. “I’m going to Ireland,” she blurted out, her voice a lot louder and higher than normal.
“You’re what? When?”
“I’m going to Ireland to spend the summer with my mom’s family. I’m leaving in a week.” She said it in such a dead tone, I almost didn’t believe her.
“Macallan, please.” I had a feeling I was responsible for this last-minute escape route. “When did you decide this?”
“Just … recently.” She was a horrible liar. “You know they’ve asked me every summer.”
“So why now?”
“Why not?”
WHY NOT? WHY NOT? I wanted to scream. BECAUSE I JUST CONFESSED MY LOVE TO YOU, THAT’S WHY NOT!
She took a step back. “Look, Levi, I know things have been … different. And now you have your summer to hang out with your friends and we can pick things up again when I get back.”
“Pick up what exactly?” I was testing her. Was she going to acknowledge that I wasn’t telling her I loved her only as a friend?
She looked lost. “This! Our friendship.” That word stung. “Clearly we need some time away from each other. You need some time with the guys, I need some time with my family. We need to figure out how to make this work. I don’t want to get in your way. So I’m giving you the freedom you so desperately want.”
“Macallan,” I pleaded. I went to grab her hand and she backed farther away.
“It’ll be fine,” she tried to assure me. But I wasn’t sold. “I’ve been thinking it was time for me to visit. Really, I’d been thinking about going this year for a while. You can ask Danielle.”
Now I cursed myself for never answering my stupid phone. Maybe one of those times she was going to ask my opinion. If only I had answered.
She tried to pretend everything was normal. “It’s not that big of a deal. We’ll email and chat while I’m gone, and if you’re lucky, I might bring you back a leprechaun.”
I didn’t know if I should feel relieved that she was making a joke like normal, or if I should be devastated that she certainly wasn’t going to confess any un-friendlike feelings toward me.
We were at a standstill. I knew I had two options at that point. I could confess my love to her again and make her realize we could be more than friends. Or I could swallow my pride and keep whatever was left of our friendship intact.
“A leprechaun, huh? I bet it would probably fit in the overhead compartment.”
I hated myself for it, but I didn’t want to push her any further away.
Who knew how far she was willing to go to avoid me?
Ireland was far enough.
Just so we’re remembering this correctly: When you kissed me, I went home and splashed cold water on my face. When I tried to kiss you, you ran away to Ireland for the summer.
Perhaps not the best timing on my part.
Understatement of the millennium.
I had a lot of time to think about what I was running away from. I had the two-hour drive with Dad and Uncle Adam to O’Hare Airport. I had the connection in Boston. I had the long flight to Shannon Airport. And then the drive with Gran and Gramps to Dingle.
At one point I stopped thinking about what time it was back home. I only concentrated about what was waiting for me in Ireland.
Which wasn’t much of anything.
I loved seeing my grandparents, but the town of Dingle was tiny. I’d only visited my grandparents once, years ago. Mom and I had visited two summers before. We went when they still lived and worked in Limerick. Then they decided to retire and move to this quiet fishing village.
Gran got a part-time job at the tourist center while Gramps worked on a book tracing the origins of famous Irish folk songs. Gran said that was his typical Irish excuse to go to pubs at night and listen to music. I always laughed when Gran made fun of Gramps’s Irish ways, because she sounded more and more like an Irish-born person with each year.
One of my favorite things about my grandparents was their story. They’d met their first week at college in Madison. Gramps said he fell in love with her when he spotted her across the quad during orientation. He was too shy to talk to her that day. He beat himself up over it all weekend. Then he walked into his first class the following Monday and saw her sitting next to the only other empty seat in class. He went right up to her and told her he thought she was the most beautiful human being on earth. And then the teacher started class. Gramps said he could hardly breathe for the rest of the class, especially when he realized he was in the wrong classroom. But instead of excusing himself, he waited until it was done. He thought Gran was taking diligent notes, but instead she was writing him a letter since she had noticed him as well. The letter was read at their wedding, after graduation.
I felt that was how people should fall in love. Instant connection.
So Gramps and Gran stayed in the States. They had my mom. But Gramps got offered a teaching job back in Ireland when I was a baby. So they went and would visit us every summer.
Now I was visiting them. They almost didn’t know what to do with me.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t much help.
“Can I please help you with that?” I asked Gran as she readied supper.
“You sit right there. You’ve had a long trip.”
I sat down at the kitchen table. I should’ve been exhausted, but I think I was the kind of tired that made you super hyper.
“You should join me tonight at the pub to hear some real music,” Gramps said, sitting down next to me.
“James Mullarkey, you’re not taking our only grandchild to a pub on her first night in town.”
“You’re right.” He rubbed his faded ginger beard. “That’s more of a Wednesday night activity.” He winked at me.
Gran groaned. “Macallan, honey, I have tomorrow off and thought we’d go around town. I can introduce you to some of the townsfolk. We’ve been telling everybody about your visit.”
“She’d have a better chance meeting people of her generation at the pub.”
“That’s enough from you!” Gran pointed a wooden spoon at Gramps.
“Now, now.” Gramps got up and went into the kitchen to wrap his arms around Gran. It was sweet how much in love they still were after all these years. “I promise to be a good influence on our dear, young, impressionable granddaughter.” Gramps had his back to me so I could see him crossing his fingers behind his back.
“Shoot!” Gran pulled away. “I forgot to pick up some thyme at the store.”
I stood up. “I can go get it. I’d like to go for a walk — I’ve been sitting for too long.” I tried to do the math in my head of how many hours, maybe even days, I’d been awake.
It took me only a few minutes to get my bearings in town. There was basically the harbor front and Main Street. Plus, if I got lost, all I had to do was ask where Jim and Betty’s place was. It was that small a town.
Since I had some time before dinner would be finished, I decided to go down to Dingle Harbor and watch a few boats come in. I wandered in one of the tourist shops and grabbed a few postcards. Then I made my way past the colorful buildings to the small grocery store a few blocks from my grandparents’ place. I picked up the fresh thyme and waited behind an older woman who was getting in a great debate about whether or not some guy was cheating on his wife.
“I’ll help you over here,” I heard a voice call out. I went to the other register and handed the bunch of sprigs to a young guy with messy black hair. “Once you get me mum started, you’d be waiting all night.”
“Thanks.”
He smiled at me. “Ah, I didn’t think you looked familiar. American?”
“Yes.” I felt embarrassed that I could be figured out so easily. I’d only said one word.
“Tourist?” He helped me figure out which coins I needed to pay.
“Yes, well, no. Um, my grandparents live —”
Recognition lit his face. “Ah, you’re Jim and Betty’s.”
“Yes.”
“Is this Jim and Betty’s?” The woman behind the other register came over.
“Hi, I’m Macallan.” I held my hand out.
“Welcome!” The woman bypassed my hand and hugged me against her slight frame. “We’ve heard so much about you. You’re from America.”
“Yes, outside Milwaukee, in Wisconsin. It’s near Chicago.”
“Pleased to meet you. I’m Sheila O’Dwyer, and this is my son, Liam.”
“Hi.” I gave him a shy wave, which he returned with a hearty laugh.
Sheila quickly ran off to help a new customer.
“So, Macallan from outside Milwaukee, Wisconsin,” Liam said with a crooked smile.
“Sorry, I didn’t know …” I felt so stupid. I should’ve just said I was from America.
“No, ’tis fine. I love the States. Madison is the capital of Wisconsin, and Milwaukee is the biggest city. I even watch your American football sometimes. The Packers, right?”
I couldn’t help but instantly like him. A fellow Packers fan in Ireland?
I felt my cheeks get hot. Danielle kept teasing me I’d meet a boy named Seamus O’Leary McHunky, and here I was meeting a Liam my first day.
Liam enthusiastically continued. “I hope to study abroad there while at university. I’m thinking either Boston or New York City or California.” I cringed at the mention of Levi’s former home. Liam pretended to not notice. “Have you been?”
“Oh, I went to New York once when I was little. I spend a lot of time in Chicago, since it’s nearby.”
“Ah, yes, the Windy City!” Liam pointed his finger in the air. “I’d love to talk to you about America sometime. And I will have you know that I do love Ireland, especially our fair peninsula. I’d happily be your guide.”
“That would be great.”
Liam smiled at me, and I felt a flutter. “Grand.”
I found myself walking back to Gran and Gramps’s with an extra bounce in my step. After supper, I wrote out my postcards before bed and stared at the one for Levi for far too long. I never overthought things with him. But I had trouble figuring out what to say. Things had been tense before I left. At first I was mad at him for ignoring me. Then he came over and tried to kiss me. For a few seconds I thought it was a dare from one of the guys, but I could tell he was confused. So was I. I knew it would be best for us to have a break, but it still felt weird to not write him. I didn’t want things to be strained between us. If I wanted things to return to normal, I needed to start acting like everything was fine between us. And if it wasn’t, I would fake it.
Dear Levi, greetings from Dingle (insert joke here)!
I’m sure I’ll have already talked to you by the time the owls have delivered this, but I wanted you to see where I’m spending the summer. Isn’t it beautiful? Wow, jealousy really doesn’t become you. I hope things are going well with your American football practice (yes, I’ve already changed so much). I must now go back to the flat and use the lift and the loo.
As they say in An Daingean, Sláinte!
Macallan
It took me nearly an hour to figure out how to sign it. Love would’ve been too charged, and anything els
e would’ve felt calculated. Which was exactly how my cheers in Gaelic felt.
I gave up for the evening and let sleep take over. I had the whole summer to fret about Levi, but for now I wanted to enjoy a good night’s sleep before my sightseeing date with Liam.
It took me only a couple days in Dingle to wonder why I’d been resisting coming to visit the past few years. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to visit my grandparents, but I guess I thought it would be strange. However, it was anything but.
It was quickly becoming the best summer of my life.
I’d start every morning with a run or bike ride and witness the green sprawling landscape, the jagged mountains, and dark blue waters. I never thought my little Milwaukee suburb was a concrete jungle, but compared to this, it was Manhattan. I’d come home and make lunch for my grandparents, then either sit outside and read or go to one of the restaurants in town and help out in the kitchen. I was determined to make “proper” fish ’n’ chips for everybody when I got home. Or I’d go get some Murphy’s Ice Cream. Hence the need for the daily run.
Or I’d hang out with Liam.
And it didn’t go without notice.
“So” — Gran linked elbows with me as we went for our daily stroll — “that Liam’s a nice fella. You two seem to be getting on quite well.”
“Yeah,” I admitted. There wasn’t really much more to say beyond that. We’d hang out and have a good time. He was a nice distraction.
But I wasn’t kidding myself. Liam was cute and that accent made him even more swoon-worthy. But I also knew the last thing I needed was to complicate my life further by getting involved with another guy. I didn’t even know if he liked me that way. And if he did, it was probably because I was the mysterious new girl from a faraway land.
I couldn’t help but laugh.
“What’s so funny?” Gran asked.
“I was thinking about how different my reception in Dingle has been to when Levi first came to school.”
“How is Levi? You haven’t said much about him.” I studied Gran’s face and found the same cheekbones and eyes as Mom’s. I wondered if this was what Mom would’ve looked like if she’d had the opportunity to grow older. “Macallan?”