“Thanks!” I gave him a hug, grateful to have had him around during my visit.
Gramps asked everybody to quiet down. “I want to thank you all for coming here to bid our favorite granddaughter good-bye.”
“Your only granddaughter,” I clarified.
There was laughter from the guests.
“But I think it would only be appropriate to send Macallan off with a parting glass.”
There were nods from their friends, who lifted up a glass. I joined them in the toast, but was unfamiliar with the song they started to play.
Gramps looked at me fondly and began to sing,
Of all the money that e’er I had,
I spent it in good company.
And all the harm that e’er I’ve done
Alas, it was to none but me.
And for all I’ve done for want of wit,
To mem’ry now I can’t recall.
Everybody joined in at this part:
So fill to me the parting glass.
Good night and joy be with you all.
Gran then joined Gramps as he wrapped his arm around her. She sang in a clear beautiful voice:
To all the comrades that e’er I had,
They’re sorry for my going away.
She smiled warmly at me.
And all the sweethearts that e’er I had,
They’d wish me one more day to stay.
But since it falls unto my lot,
That I should rise and you should not,
I’ll gently rise and softly call.
Good night and joy be with you all.
I felt tears rolling down my face. I should’ve been sad about leaving my grandparents and this wonderful place, but the tears weren’t for them.
And Liam knew it. “I’ll make it simple for you,” he said, leaning in. “If you want to be with him, be with him.”
My throat felt tight. “I can’t.”
He shook his head. Liam often teased me about making things difficult — typical American, he’d fondly call me. “I’d ask why, but you and I both know there isn’t any excuse good enough. Stop making excuses and be with him.”
I knew he was right. And it terrified me.
“Do you want to be with him?”
I didn’t think. I answered what I knew was the truth. “Yes.”
“Then be with him.” He got up and joined the group at the front singing.
Good night and joy be with you all.
I was surprised they didn’t hold me at customs since I was so shaky and nervous. As soon as I got my proper entrance stamp and baggage, I bounded for the greeting area. I ran out and didn’t have to wait more than two seconds before I heard Dad, Uncle Adam, and Levi calling out for me. I turned and saw Levi holding a huge sign: BLIMEY IF WE KNOW WHERE MACALLAN IS!
I laughed and ran up to them. There was a flurry of hugs and exchanges of “I missed you” and “You look great!” Dad and Adam took my luggage and went to get the car while Levi waited with me outside.
“I’m so glad you’re home,” he said. He wrapped his arm around me and I fell into him. We both stayed there for a while. It felt right. It had always felt right. But I’d kept telling myself that it would ruin our friendship. Never had I thought about how it could make things even better between us. I knew the average high school couple rarely made it work long-term, but there was nothing average about Levi and me.
I heard his phone go off, and he silenced it. I closed my eyes again, grateful to be back with him. Back home. Happy that the awkwardness we’d had when I left had been erased. I reached for his hand and entwined his fingers with mine. I was debating telling him everything right there and then, but the last thing I wanted was for my dad and uncle to drive up during that conversation, especially if it ended in a kiss. I was pretty sure my dad would be making up new rules about when and where we could be together if he saw that.
Levi’s phone went off again. He reached to silence it again, and I noticed an unfamiliar name on the screen.
“Who’s Stacey?” I asked before I had a chance to stop myself.
Levi pulled away from me. “Oh, yeah, that.” He shuffled uncomfortably. “I wanted to wait for you to be settled in before I told you that you and Stacey would not be allowed to be at parties together.” He laughed lightly.
Why would this girl and I not be allowed to go to …
No.
It hit me like a wall of bricks.
“You have a girlfriend.”
“Well, we’ve been hanging out — I’m not sure I’d say girlfriend yet. But she’s cool. Stacey Hobbs — she’s our year and on the cheerleading squad.”
“Oh.” I knew who he was talking about, but I was trying to figure out how this had happened and why Levi had conveniently neglected to mention anything to me about it. I found myself stepping away from him a bit, needing some distance to try to make sense of it all.
“But enough about me. Tonight is all about you.” Levi stepped forward. “I should warn you that Mom’s obsessed with making shepherd’s pie for you tonight to ease you back into the Midwest. And you know how paranoid she gets cooking for you, so throw in some brilliants and all will be good.”
I gave him a weak smile.
“Come here. I missed you so much.” He put his arms around me again. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to let go. Having your best friend leave you for the summer blows.” He kissed me on the forehead. “But I promise to stop being jealous and want to hear every detail of your trip. I want to be inundated with photos and stories that will make me green with envy. I mean it. You have to tell me everything.”
But I really couldn’t tell him everything, since there was one thing I had to keep to myself.
Awk-ward!
Dude, do you realize if you’d said something right then, everything would’ve been different?
Like you would no longer call me dude?
Whatever, dude. But don’t pretend that I’m the one into drama when you yourself led us into more drama.
You got me there.
So you’re admitting that I’m totally right?
No. Because you have to admit life is more interesting with a little drama.
Are you serious? Life is more of a pain in the rear with drama.
Oh, wait, you’re totally right on that one. My bad.
I was so stoked to have Macallan back. Summer wasn’t the same without her around. It wasn’t until she was truly gone, thousands of miles away, that I realized how much time we spent together each summer. And yeah, even though I had my guys, it was different. It didn’t feel the same. Nothing was the same without her.
At first I was mad at her for going away, but then I got it. We probably needed a break to reassess things.
I truly loved Macallan, I did. But I realized that she didn’t feel the same, so if the only way I could have her in my life was as a friend, that’s what we’d be.
I admit, she looked so cute when she got out of customs at the airport. She had that sleepy look she got when she was either super tired or under a lot of pressure. She was pretty quiet on the drive home and at dinner that evening. But I felt a lot better just having her near me.
I probably should’ve told her about Stacey while she was in Ireland, but it never had felt like the right time. Stacey was great and really cool, but truthfully I thought I should have a girlfriend by the time Macallan got back solely to avoid any more awkwardness. I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable or to think I was still pining over her. I had to put that aside if I wanted things to go back to normal.
I wish I could say that things went quickly back to how they’d been before all our problems. But Macallan started acting almost uncomfortable around me. At first I brushed it off as jet lag, I mean, she nearly cut off her finger one day in the kitchen when I asked her advice about Stacey, and Macallan was always very careful when she was cooking. So that I got. But after a week of her dropping things around me whenever I got too close to her, of her avoiding
my eyes, I realized that my confession to her might’ve done some significant damage that would take a lot longer to repair. I was willing to give her the space, whatever she needed to feel comfortable around me again.
It was two weeks before school was starting and Macallan was busy in the kitchen with my mom. She had come over to hang out with me, but the second my mom showed up with a bag of groceries, Macallan jumped up to help her, and I hadn’t seen her since.
It seemed like every time we were supposed to hang, she’d find something else to do. Someone else to be around.
I guess this was how she felt the second half of sophomore year: discarded.
If I could have taken back that confession to her, I would have. Keeping it bottled up inside probably would’ve destroyed me, but better my sanity than my relationship with her.
After nearly a half hour of being ignored, I decided to go into the kitchen.
Macallan was sitting at the kitchen table, not helping, not doing anything, just chatting with Mom.
“Oh, sweetie,” Mom said to me, like she’d forgotten I was home. “Macallan gave me a new barbecue recipe that I’m going to try out tonight. You have to join us, Macallan. I feel like I haven’t seen you that much since you got home. Plus, I need you as my expert taste tester.”
Macallan beamed at Mom. “That sounds great.”
“Fantastic.” Mom looked over at me. “Stacey likes brats, right?”
“Yep,” I replied.
Macallan hit her head. “Oh my goodness, today’s Wednesday, right? I thought it was Tuesday. I have something tonight.”
“Aww, that’s too bad.” Mom looked genuinely sad. “Levi, how did your driving class go today?”
“Good, I’ve almost mastered parallel parking. I was thinking that I really want to take my driver’s license test on my actual birthday.” My sixteenth birthday was in a few weeks and I had my fingers crossed for a car.
“Sure.” Mom paused. “Although you’re going to have your first football game of the season the next night, so I don’t want you to overbook yourself. School comes first — you know that.”
“But I figured that if I got my license, then I could drive us all into Milwaukee for a birthday dinner or something.”
“Hmm, again, I don’t want you overdoing it. We should think about doing something low-key for your birthday. Sixteen is a big one, but I don’t think we should get crazy. You can go out with your friends after the game.” Her phone rang and she picked it up and went into the other room.
That was so not like my mom. She’d completely brushed my birthday aside. Mom always freaked out over my birthday. Extravagant, overplanned parties. The benefits of being an only child, I guess.
I turned toward Macallan. “Wasn’t she being weird?”
She looked confused. “What?”
“My mom. Just now. She was so weird about my birthday, don’t you think?”
“Huh?” Macallan looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language.
“Don’t you remember how she usually is with my birthday? She always makes a big deal out of it.”
Macallan’s eyes got wide. “You’re right — she’s a monster!”
Maybe I was reading too much into it. “So is she planning something?”
“Not that I know of. Honestly.”
I studied her for a second and could see she was being truthful.
“Maybe she thinks we’re growing up and don’t need to have a big party with clowns and balloon animals,” she offered.
“But I really wanted a balloon animal in the shape of a horsey.” I pretended to pout. “You’re probably right, although I usually have to calm her down over my birthday, and now it’s almost like she doesn’t care.”
Macallan dismissed me. “Wow. You’re being so dramatic. Your mom is the most loving mother ever. So just chill. I think all that practice in the sun has gotten to you.”
I was used to being in the sun, but being outside in the sun wearing a football uniform wasn’t exactly easy on my body.
“Yeah, I guess you’ve got a point. Well, anyway, what do you have going on tonight?”
“Huh?”
“Tonight?” I said. She looked at me blankly. “You have some plans, so you can’t stay for dinner.” I decided to poke her playfully at her side, but she jumped. I wasn’t used to her being this nervous around me. Something had to be going on.
Her eyes lit up. “Yes. Of course. It’s a … a family thing I have with Uncle Adam.”
“Is everything okay?”
“Uh, yeah, it’s really not a big deal. I promised I’d go see a movie with him tonight.” She wouldn’t even look me in the eye.
“Oh, yeah, what movie?”
“Movie? Um, I forgot which one he wanted to see.”
Okay, it didn’t take a genius to figure out that something was going on with Macallan. She clearly had plans tonight that she didn’t want me to know about. I wondered if she was already dating someone. She hadn’t even been back that long. But what else could it have been? She was disappearing and making excuses to not hang out as much. She hadn’t even met Stacey. I knew that she knew who she was from school, but this was different.
Whatever it was, she didn’t want me to know, and I had to respect her privacy. The last thing I wanted to do was make it worse.
I used to complain about the cold weather in Wisconsin when I first moved here. But little did I realize that the August heat waves would become the bane of my existence.
Keith walked out of practice with me. “This has never happened before, California.”
“You’ve never had a practice canceled?”
He shook his head. “Nah, this heat wave is brutal.”
We walked up to his truck and he unlocked the door. “Thanks for the ride, man.”
“No problem.” He smirked at me. “I’m sorry I didn’t bring a car seat for you.”
Ugh. I couldn’t wait to get my driver’s license. I hated having to rely on my parents or friends to get me around, especially to practice.
“Listen, if practice doesn’t work out tomorrow, you should come over and run a few plays with me. My backyard gets pretty shady in the afternoon.”
“Sounds good.” I paused for a second. I know guys are supposed to be chill, but I really appreciated everything Keith had done to help me with the team. “And thanks, man, for everything. I don’t think I would’ve made varsity without you.”
“Yeah, well, you’re fast. We need a fast guy. But don’t start writing me love letters yet.” He laughed. “You’ve still got to get in the game and catch the ball.”
“Got it. Get in the game, catch the ball, then write you love letters.”
He pulled up outside my house. “Yeah, but I wouldn’t want Macallan to get jealous. She’s a tough one. If only chicks could play football.”
I hopped out of the car and noticed Mr. Dietz’s car parked out front. I rushed inside, calling out, “Is everything okay with Macallan?”
I stopped suddenly when I saw Mom and Mr. Dietz leaning closely together at the kitchen table. They were looking at a piece of paper.
“Oh.” Mom jumped up. “What are you doing home so early?”
I looked between them. Something was off.
“Is Macallan okay?”
Mom shot Mr. Dietz a nervous glance. He stood up. “Yes, yes, she’s fine. I was just in the neighborhood….” He tried to grab the paper off the table nonchalantly, but it was so obvious what he was doing.
“What’s that?” I motioned at the paper in his hand.
“Oh, well …” They exchanged another nervous look. “I was asking your mother for her opinion on some cooking stuff I was going to get Macallan for her birthday.”
For some reason, I didn’t buy it. “Really? Can I see it?”
“Mr. Dietz was on his way out,” Mom said right as the coffee-maker went off. Mom never made coffee only for herself. She did it when we had company.
“Yes.” He excused himself. ?
??I was taking a quick break from work. You know, Levi, I was hoping to surprise Macallan with this, so if you could not tell her I was here.”
I didn’t like deceiving Macallan, not when our relationship was in such a fragile place. But between Macallan’s behavior and our parents’ secretive meeting, I couldn’t help but think there was something going on that I wasn’t being told.
It was all very mysterious. And I wasn’t in the mood for mysterious.
In the next week, Mom and Mr. Dietz seemed to be talking on the phone a lot. Not that Mom told me it was Mr. Dietz. I had to sneak a look at her phone.
I figured Macallan might know what was going on. I headed over there the Saturday before school started. Normally, I’d just walk in, but since Macallan had been so uneasy around me lately, I knocked on the door.
“Oh, hey.” I could instantly tell that Macallan didn’t want to see me. She definitely knew what was going on. And I wasn’t going to leave until she came clean.
We walked into the kitchen, where she had all this dough and flour on the counter.
“I’m making pasta,” she said as she began working with the dough.
This was usually the part where she would invite me to stay for dinner. She always did that. But I hadn’t gotten one invitation since she got back. The only time we sat down for a meal was her first night home and during our Sunday night family dinner. The thought of having to sit around their dinner table the following evening made me uneasy. There were too many unanswered questions.
I decided to not dance around the subject. “Are you keeping something from me?”
Macallan stopped cold. I knew it.
“What are you talking about?” She threw some flour on the dough and turned around so I couldn’t see her face.
“I think there’s something going on with you. You’re doing that thing you do.”
She tried to play it off lightly. “Cook? Yep, this is what I do now, Levi. Call in the detectives!” She laughed, but it was self-conscious, almost calculated laughter. She wanted me to brush it all off and move on.