“I’ll join you!” Emily grabbed Danielle by the arm and headed toward the restrooms.
“Hey!” Levi finally acknowledged my existence.
“Hey.” I decided not to act like it wasn’t awkward.
“Listen,” he began. “I was thinking that maybe on Wednesday we could go grab a bite to eat and do some shopping. I totally need help picking out what to get my mom for Christmas.”
I let the icicles that were beginning to form around me melt a little. He was making an effort. He was also asking me to help him with his mom’s gift because I knew her better. I knew him better. Maybe I was being a little harsh. I wasn’t being replaced. Because that was really what I thought was happening.
I was being foolish. Levi would never replace me.
We’d solidified our plans by the time Emily and Danielle came back from the restroom.
“Ready?” Emily grabbed Levi’s hand.
“Yeah.” Levi winked at me. “Have fun!”
“You too,” I replied.
And I meant it.
Levi and Emily weren’t the problem. My attitude was. Clearly, there was something wrong with me that I got threatened the second my two best friends didn’t give me one hundred percent of their attention.
I knew right then what my New Year’s resolution would be: to stop being so needy.
Once I gave myself an attitude adjustment, I began to smile whenever I saw Levi and Emily together. I remembered reading somewhere that if you smile at something, it automatically makes you happier.
So whenever Levi or Emily would bring up the other, I’d smile.
Soon it became an automatic response.
Levi and I were walking around the mall, our hands full of shopping bags. “So I was telling Emily” — SMILE! — “that I still haven’t gotten used to this weather. I know everybody said last winter was particularly brutal, but I think this year’s even worse. Like, negative degrees? How can it be so cold that the temperature doesn’t even exist? Or, like, it’s less than zero? How is that even possible? At least Emily has promised to keep me warm.”
SMILE! I didn’t know what else to do. I had to play a role, a happier version of myself so he wanted to still spend time with me.
Levi took my silence as an invitation to continue. “Yeah, so I was also kinda hoping you could help me pick out something for Emily.”
SMILE!
“Oh, awesome!” Levi replied.
Even though I didn’t say anything, my stupid grin made it seem like I’d be more than happy to help him pick out a gift.
Levi led me to a jewelry store. “You’re so cool. I didn’t know if it’d be weird to ask you. But who knows Emily better than you?”
He had a point. I didn’t understand why I was freaking out over this. He was still the same Levi. It had only been a matter of time before one of us would start dating somebody. And in a way, this would stop people from thinking we were an item.
“Of course I’ll help pick something,” I conceded. “What were you thinking?”
“Well, I was here last week with my mom and saw this necklace and wanted to get your opinion.” He led me over to a glass case full of different silver and gold necklaces. He pointed to one that was in the middle. “This one, but with an E.”
My heart dropped when I saw which one he was referring to. It was a silver necklace with a small round pendant with the letter P engraved on it.
I took a few steps back. It felt like the floor was unsteady.
I heard Levi asking me if I was okay, but I couldn’t concentrate. Everything around me was a blur. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, I couldn’t really do anything.
“I can’t breathe, I need to …” I stumbled out of the store and quickly sat on the floor near a fountain. I put my head between my knees and tried to steady my breath.
“Macallan, what’s wrong?” Levi’s voice cracked. “Please, talk to me.”
Sobs started to come out. I had trouble catching my breath. I needed to breathe. I needed to calm down and breathe.
But I couldn’t. Just when I thought I was getting better, something always knocked me on my side. And it was always, always when I least expected it.
“Macallan?” He took out his phone. “Mr. Dietz, I’m with Macallan, I don’t know what’s going on. I think she’s having some sort of panic attack.”
Not my father, I thought. Please don’t bring my dad into this.
I somehow found the strength to reach out and touch Levi’s leg.
“Wait, she’s getting my attention.” Levi kneeled down. “Your dad wants to talk to you.”
Levi lifted the receiver to my ear. “Calley, sweetie, what is it?” My father’s voice was so worried. I hated that I was doing this to him. “Please talk to me.”
“It … was …” I tried to calm myself down, but hearing Dad’s voice made it worse. I took a deep breath. “Tell him about the necklace.”
It was all I could get out, but enough for Dad to understand.
I watched Levi listen to what Dad was telling him. His face went white.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” His voice was so low and quiet. “I didn’t know.” I couldn’t tell if he was apologizing to Dad or me. Probably both.
Of course he didn’t know. How could he have? How could he have known that my mom had worn a very similar necklace with the letter M that my dad gave her the day they brought me home from the hospital? How could he have known that she wore it every single day? How could he have known that she died wearing it? That she was buried with it?
Levi hung up the phone and sat down next to me. He put his arm around me, and I leaned against his shoulder. “Your dad is on his way. I’m so sorry, Macallan. I’m so sorry that I didn’t know. I’m so sorry that I had to remind you of something so hurtful. I’m so sorry I don’t know how to help you with this big part of your life. If it’s even possible. I’m so sorry that I don’t know what to say right now.”
He paused for a second, but just having him there, having him near me, was what I needed. “I know I’ve been a total idiot lately and haven’t really been around. And I’m sorry for that, too. I know I don’t know a lot, but what I do know is that I’m going to be here. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, you know you can count on me, don’t you? Nothing will ever change that. Nothing. You do know that, right?”
I don’t think I truly knew it for sure until that very instant. And even though my heart was being ripped apart by the memory of my mother, I let Levi’s kind gesture help patch it.
I realized it was time for Levi to meet someone.
We were bundled up as we made our way up the hill. Levi had been quiet on the ride over. I wasn’t sure how he would react, but I knew it was time for me to open up to him.
We approached our destination. Levi a few paces behind me, his head down.
“Levi, I’d like you to meet my mom.” I stood next to her gray marble gravestone. “Mom, this is Levi. I told you about him.” I brushed off some of the snow that was on top of the stone.
“Hi,” Levi said softly.
“Come sit.” I took out a blanket and laid it on the cold ground. “I wanted to bring you here so I could tell you a little about my mom.” My voice started to quiver. This was what I’d been afraid of. It was really hard to talk about Mom without getting sad. But the therapist I saw after she died said it was important for me to talk about her. To share my memories of her with other people.
I wished Levi could’ve met my mom. She would’ve loved him.
“She …” I began, but felt the sting behind my eyes.
“It’s okay,” Levi said. “You don’t have to if it’s too hard.”
“I want to.”
“Can I start?” he asked. “Um, Mrs. Dietz, I’m Levi. I’m sure Macallan has told you all about me. And, well, none of it’s true, unless she told you I’m awesome.”
A small, grateful laugh escaped my throat.
“Yeah, I met her on the first day of scho
ol and you should know how nice she was to me. I’ve seen pictures of you at the house, so I know where she got her looks. And, um, she’s a ridiculous student. It’s kinda annoying really.” He looked worriedly at me. “Is this okay?”
I liked that he was having a conversation with Mom as he would if she were here. “Yeah, it’s great.”
“Okay, so, like, when I first met her, I thought she hated me. You see, I had this long hair and I’m pretty sure she thought I was a hippie or something. But then she found out that I also liked this show, Buggy and Floyd.” He looked up from the ground. “Does she know what I’m talking about?”
I nodded. It made me happy that he used the present tense with Mom.
“Yeah, and from there we just kinda clicked. She’s really the only person who’s gone out of her way to make me feel at home. So thank you, Mrs. Dietz, for raising your daughter the way you did. She’s awesome and I know that’s because of you. I wish I could’ve met you, but I guess I have in a way. Because of Macallan. And just so you know, I’ll do my best to protect her. And be there for her. Even if she does have the worst taste in football teams.”
“Hey!” I swatted at him. “Mom’s a huge Packers fan. He’s only teasing, Mom.”
He wrapped his gloved hand around mine. “It’s okay that I joked?”
“Yes, she always jokes around.”
“What else does she like?”
And that was all it took. For the next hour, I told Levi all about my mom. All I could remember. I laughed at so many of the memories. And not once did another tear fall. I still ached for her, but talking about her was keeping her alive inside of me.
I had no doubt that Mom was looking down at us and smiling.
Everything changed after that.
Maybe change wasn’t the best word. But Levi and I were closer than ever.
Between my breakdown at the mall and the visit with Mom, Levi went above and beyond to make sure we spent time together.
It wasn’t as if Levi put Emily aside for me. He knew he didn’t have to make that kind of choice. He became more aware of how he was acting. The decisions he made. Whom he chose to spend time with.
Even though we constantly texted, he would call me at least once a day while he was in California during the holidays.
“I know how happy this is going to make you,” Levi said during his call on New Year’s Eve. “Everybody here is complaining about how much I’m talking about back home.”
“Do we think you have a case of the grass is always greener?” I asked.
He laughed. “Probably. But mostly the guys want to see more pictures of the coolest chick alive.”
“You better be talking about me.”
“Clearly. Even if said chick is having a rockin’ party without me.”
“Hey, I’m not the one who decided to spend the holidays two thousand miles away. And the party isn’t going to be rockin’ with everybody’s parents there.”
My dad had thought it would be fun to host a New Year’s Eve party. So he invited some of his friends and their kids, and I got to invite my friends and their parents. At first I didn’t think anybody would want to come to a party with their parents, but I guess it was the only way any of us would’ve been able to properly celebrate the ringing in of the New Year.
I had to hang up on Levi to get ready for our guests. Emily and Danielle came early to help me with the food. I made baked ziti, fettuccine Alfredo with chicken, spaghetti with turkey meatballs, garlic bread, and chopped salad.
Thankfully, the kids were relegated to the basement, so we got to have some privacy. I felt a little bad for Trisha and Ian, who were the kids of my dad’s friends, since they didn’t really know us. Trisha had moved from Minneapolis, and Ian was a year older than us. When I’d heard he was coming, I immediately thought he’d be upset being stuck with young kids, but he came downstairs with a smile on his face and introduced himself to everybody. Trisha stayed in the corner watching TV with Emily’s younger sister and Danielle’s brother for the first hour or so.
“I wish Levi was here.” Emily sulked. “Now who am I going to kiss at midnight?”
“Don’t look at me,” Danielle teased. “I’m going to try to work my magic on that freshman. He’s a hottie. Off to show him my winning personality.” Danielle went over and sat down next to Ian.
“You don’t think Levi’s going to be with a girl tonight?” Emily asked me.
“No, he’s hanging with his bros,” I reassured her. I’d had to do that every day since Levi had left. I knew he could be trusted. He wasn’t the cheating kind.
“What’s up, guys?” Troy came over with a plate full of chips. “Are we going to break open any of these games or what?”
Emily smiled at him. “Good idea! Games!”
She guided Troy over to the table where we had some old-school board games set out.
Emily’s sister grabbed checkers and brought them over to Danielle’s brother on the other side of the room, where they set up shop.
“Oh, they’re too cool to hang out with their older siblings.” Emily laughed. “I remember being in fifth grade and thinking I was da bomb.”
Troy looked up from the game of Monopoly he was examining. “I don’t know — I think you’re da bomb now.”
Emily threw her head back and let out that exaggerated giggle she did around guys.
Troy scratched his head, leaving his wavy brown hair sticking up in places. His smile was so big, I noticed for the first time that he had a dimple in his right cheek.
But for some reason, I had a feeling it wasn’t the first time Emily had noticed this. After all, he’d been her crush before Levi.
“Oh, you.” Emily swatted at his hand. Then she nervously twisted up her long hair and let it fall back in place. She finally brought her attention back to me. “Do you want to see if anybody else wants to join us or …”
At first, I thought she was trying to get rid of me. But then I realized I was being paranoid. Emily was inviting others to join them, which was something I should’ve been doing. In an effort to be a good hostess, I went over to the sectional where Danielle, Ian, and Trisha were sitting. “Do you guys want to play a game or watch a movie? We still have two hours until midnight. Or I can get you some more food from upstairs.”
“A movie would be cool,” Trisha answered.
“Okay. You guys can pick it out.”
Danielle joined Trisha while she went through the movie selection.
Ian got up. “I think I’ll grab us some more food.”
I went upstairs with him. We heard the parents’ laughter filling the living room. It seemed like they were having a more rockin’ time than we were.
“I can’t believe you made all this food,” Ian said when we got to the kitchen. He took another big helping of the ziti. “It’s so good.”
“Thanks.” I put some more garlic bread in the oven. “I really like doing it.”
“I can tell you this much — you aren’t going to like the food in the cafeteria next year.”
I debated asking him more about high school, but I didn’t want to seem so … young. “I guess I’ll start packing my lunches, then” was the only way I could think to respond.
He took a big forkful of pasta. His dark hair fell in front of his eyes briefly before he whipped his head to the side.
“Yeah, and if you need any advice on what classes to take next year or teachers to avoid, just ask.” He smiled broadly at me, a speck of tomato sauce staining his upper lip.
“Thanks.” I realized I wasn’t adding much to the conversation. I’d apparently forgotten how to talk to guys who weren’t Levi. It wasn’t that I never talked to guys; it was that I never felt compelled to make small talk solely for the sake of small talk.
Ian helped me cut up the bread and we brought some out to the adults, who were all busy having a debate over politics. When we got back down to the basement, we found Danielle and Trisha watching Sixteen Candles.
“I’
ve never seen this movie before,” Ian said as he plunked down on the couch next to me.
“It’s a classic,” Trisha told him. “My mom was apparently obsessed with it when she was my age.”
I looked around the room. “Where did Emily and Troy go?”
Danielle took a piece of garlic bread from Ian’s plate. “You didn’t see them? They went upstairs to get something.”
“Oh.” We must’ve missed them when we were in the kitchen.
The four of us sat back and watched Sixteen Candles with occasional commentary on the fashion and the hair.
“You should see this photo of my mom.” Danielle laughed. “She had, like, these tight ringlets in her hair and, like, her bangs stuck up about a foot. She swears it was cool back then, but I don’t know what planet that would be considered anything but a hot mess.”
“At least some decent music came from that time,” Ian offered.
“Yeah,” I agreed as I shut off the movie. I glanced at the clock. “We have fifteen minutes ’til the New Year!”
We turned on the TV to watch the ball drop at Times Square. It was only two years ago that I’d realized they delayed the feed from New York City an hour for the central time zone. Before then I’d thought they redid the ball drop for every time zone. I’d thought that was the coolest, to get to celebrate the New Year four times.
“Okay, seriously. Where are Emily and Troy?” Danielle asked.
I’d almost forgotten about them. “They probably got caught up in the grown-up talk. I’ll go save them.”
I went upstairs and didn’t see them in the kitchen or the living room. I checked the powder room and they weren’t there. I went upstairs and saw that my bedroom door was closed.
Never did it dawn on me that I should’ve knocked. Why would I have knocked on my own door?
“Hey, Em, are you guys —” I froze at what I saw.
Emily and Troy were kissing on my bed.
They both bolted upright. “Oh, hey, we were, um …” Emily bit her lip, probably trying to think of a lie that I’d believe. And I desperately wanted to hear something that would make me think I hadn’t just witnessed my best friend cheating on my other best friend.